Ex not always bathing child

[edemamequeen]

DS is 8. So soon will be able to handle this himself but not yet. He is back from 6 nights away and had one bath and no hair wash. I think it’s bordering on neglect & want to say so. How do I phrase it so ex doesn’t go off the rails?

As always has to be pointed out for some bizarre reason, not having a bath doesn't equal not having a wash. If he had a bath at mum's on Monday, and a bath at dad's on Thursday, and then a bath when he returns to mum's on Sunday, and was washing each day in between, that's absolutely fine for an 8 year old in the winter.

Edit: just to add that I personally prompt my daughter into the shower more frequently as she's a mucky pup but not all kids are.

Ha ha

I'm the shower police at home- tell kids to get showered every evening (12 and 15) but obviously not helping them out.

We were visiting DH's cousin who is a single mum to 3 kids, similar ages. They only showered once during the whole week. Tbf they didn't smell. I couldn't see myself being the shower police in her home because that would mean criticising her parenting so to my sons joy I only asked them twice to have a shower in 7 days. And they survived, as did I. But had they been doing sports I would have told them to get a shower.

@edemamequeen I think you just have to accept that you don't have the same standards as your ex. It's not considered child neglect. Just different standards. Give him a bath and wash his hair before he leaves and the same when he comes back and try not to think about it if he's happy at his dad's otherwise; getting fed, loved etc.

Why is having a bath once in three days 'crap parenting'?

It's perfectly acceptable and perfectly normal. You only NEED to have a bath or shower more often if you have body odour issues or work in an occupation that necessitates it. That's actually not most people. Lots of people LIKE to have a bath or shower more often, but that personal choice and modern social conditioning. Indeed there is plenty of scientific evidence to suggest this is too often for many people.

Suggesting it's 'crap parenting' is just ignorant and judgemental and based on a narrow-minded attitude to life.

It is not excusing anyone of anything to point this out.

I missed the bit where he is still in nappies?

Once is 6 days is not ideal, but it absolutely isnt neglectful.

@edemamequeen this is definitely a "pick your battles" time. It's not gonna end well if you create a fuss over something relatively innocuous.

Washing once a day is not over washing. Good Lord this is why the British are thought to be unclean by so many other countries and cultures.

This standard comes from every parent I’ve ever met with young children, especially boys that are prone to To Being muckier. six days in a young boy’s fingernails would be disgusting if nothing else.

Do you only ever wash your hands and nails in the bath or shower? Personally, i use a sink, multiple times a day and have taught my sons the same.

A child of primary school age does not need a bath or shower every day!

Am neglecting my own son, 6 and capable of showering himself while I am in the bathroom. However he hasn’t showered since Christmas Eve and I can’t be arsed battling with him over it!

If your 8 year old can barely wash themselves then you’ve both done a bad job. But one bath in 6 days is fine, not close to neglect

Because it's not a choice, it's most likely laziness in this case. I highly doubt the dad has any firm convictions about how natural things are, or is fastidiously hand washing or doing and a flannel wash everyday - he just can't be arsed. Why is the bare minimum now seen as a 'parenting choice' to cover the fact that his father has got a safety net because he knows he only has to take the path of least resistance until the child goes back to his OP and she'll take care of it.

If someone only bathed their child basically once a week I'd think they were lazy too, for all this trying to justify it by oh this is a choice and the technicalities of how cavemen would have behaved blah blah blah.

Unless he had dirty from a muddy activity, I don’t think that’s bad? Surely an 8 year old could learn to have a shower themselves, with help turning it on and off?

Yes it was 1 bath in 6 days but he didn’t go 6 days without a bath. It was presumably something like Sunday night bath at OP’s, Monday-Saturday at Dad’s with a bath on the Wednesday evening then back to OP’s on Sunday where he had a bath. So in a week he’s actually washed 3 times and gone no more than 3-4 days without a bath. Which isn’t awful for an 8YO since they’re old enough to be out of nappies but young enough not to have BO and I assume hands were washed regularly and his face every night before bed.

SD9 would stink and have a chip pan for a head in that time so for her yes it would be unreasonable. She can’t go to school stinking of BO.

DS8, no signs of puberty and has dry skin. He washes hair once a week and baths twice a week. He washes with a flannel at the sink each morning as he’s prone to sweat rash in warm weather but he’s autistic so it’s easier to keep the habit all year.

I ageee with you, 1 bath in 6 days is disgusting.

Im not sure there’s anything you can do though other than teach your son the importance of bathing regularly.

The obvious question might be what else is he neglecting?

Ok a lot of really critical comments here. I don’t think one bath in 6 days is enough & I don’t think all 8 year olds bathe without help & even if he did, his dad won’t let him. Quite bewildered by the negative & personal & aggressive comments. I was only asking for advice on wording a message. Coparenting is difficult & I came here for support.

I don't think 1 Bath in 6 days is enough I would have though everyday or every other day at least.

An 8 year old is perfectly capable of showering themselves - my eldest has been doing so since that age. Yes needs prompting but she has past waist length long hair

I’m not asking for opinions on whether it’s enough. I think it isn’t. DS is unhappy about it and told me without me asking. I did not comment negatively or positively.
He doesn’t have additional needs and also does not have short hair. A lot of assumptions & presumptions here! And as I have said he is not currently allowed to have a shower or bath on his own at his dad’s so his capacity & my parenting are not up for comment.

My 7 year old tends to only have 1 bath a week in the winter...
I would wash her hair during this though.
But this is a parenting difference not neglect.
People do feel strongly about this issue. Some people bathe their children every single night and some people do once a week and then there's everyone in between.
What the issue is that most kids will need to bathe every day or at least every other day when they start entering puberty. Otherwise they start smelling.
But by that time they should be able to deal with that pretty independently.
For example I bathe my youngest two once or twice a week but my 10yo son bathes every other day but he does it himself.

People have different parenting approaches and unfortunately when you are divorced there's not much you can do about it trying to dictate how they parent on their time with the kids.
This really isn't neglect as its VERY common for young kids to just have a bath once a week, whatever you personally think of it.
I certainly was only given a bath once a week by my parents up until around age 10

It isn't really enough washing in 6 days imo, no. Maybe not too bad if you dropped him off on a Monday for example and then he had a bath on Wednesday and then back to you on Saturday, but even still, I don't think that's enough.

But like others, I am a bit surprised that anyone is "bathing" an 8 year old child. Supervising in the bath maybe, but not bathing him. He isn't a toddler!

I know you said your ex won't allow him to have a shower on his own - have you any idea why? Is it a particularly dangerous or difficult to operate shower?

Lots of people, both mims and dads, only bathe young children once a week. This is not exclusive to dads. You can't accuse someone of crap parenting or neglect for doing a perfectly normal thing.

The amount of people who think it's fine to bathe once a week is concerning to me. No wonder there are so many smelly people when you're out and about in the world.