Ex not always bathing child

[edemamequeen]

DS is 8. So soon will be able to handle this himself but not yet. He is back from 6 nights away and had one bath and no hair wash. I think it’s bordering on neglect & want to say so. How do I phrase it so ex doesn’t go off the rails?

This is nowhere near neglect. It’s a different approach from yours, but it would be normal in thousands of families with perfectly healthy and well-loved children. Bathing children every day is completely unnecessary and can be harmful to the skin for some people.

I appreciate that you don’t like it, but I think differences like this are part and parcel of shared custody. You have the authority to decide how often your ds washes when he is with you. You don’t have that authority when he is with his father and it would be pointless (and wrong) to try to dictate his parenting decisions unless there is a risk of actual harm - which absolutely isn’t the case here.

I think once in 6 days is fine at that age, providing there are no other factors such as wetting the bed etc. My 12yo has only had a shower once in the last 5 days which was on Christmas morning, he’s washed his hand/face/bits and he doesn’t smell.

OK clearly different views. DS can just about wash himself but his dad won’t let him have a shower or bath by himself. And at 8 I think it’s not crazy to think a parent should lead on this.

You realise not that long ago one bath a week was the norm, with a stand up wash by the sink in between (maybe). It was fine.

I know this MN but I'm still astonished how MANY excuses for crap parenting there are when it's the dad. So much protection, so much glossing over, so much assumption that the real parenting is the mum's job and the dad doesn't have to do it on his time. Because he's done enough just having the kid in his house, right? Why burden him with the boring bits of being a parent? He's too precious.

One bath is usually fine for a child that age

its a preference thing although I know many find that hard to see

Have you spoken to dad and asked about what the hygiene routine is and how its managed. Out of curiosity, not accusation.

He had a bath, so Im not sure what you think wasnt led

Oh really, so the poster above (sorry to pick on you PP) has just told us about her woeful, lacking neglectful parenting of her son bathing once in the last 5 days.

I await your judgement and pile on of her.

And they bloody well smelt
My father decided to continue this tradition log into the 80s and as a child my overwhelming memory of the man is that he smelt
I wouldn’t want that for my child, would you?

My ex husband was like that too. I used to pick ds up from him at that age, ds would be in the same clothes he took him in, unwashed, having slept in the clothes he went in.

It was one of the many things designed to get a rise out of me though, so as with everything else, I smiled and never said a thing.

He gave up trying to get a reaction from me after a few years.

I think you have to accept that your DC will not get the best parenting at his dad's. It's crap, but it doesn't meet the threshold for neglect. If your ex won't take kindly to being given parenting advice, just leave it. I've been there: you telling him won't change his behaviour and will just exacerbate any bad feeling.
Sorry.

Children didnt smell, grown ups sometimes because they're older and in those days was doing more manual stuff even if they didnt have a manual job. Most of us also walked around, sat on buses and trains and in other peoples houses in a cloud of smoke fog so that added. Plus clothes were not washed as much.

Thats what you remember probably.

And as people age they develop more neonal which does smell. Unpleasant in my view but some people like it.

Yeah, I think that's too long. I don't think it's OK for a 12-year old to think 5 days between properly washing is a great idea. So there's my judgement on that that you asked for.

But really you're missing the point - if the child is with you all the time then you deal with the consequences. Bathing a child once in 6 days and no hair washing when they don't live with you the majority of the time is very unlikely to be a conscious decision here, it's because he knows the child will get washed when he's back with his mum so why should he bother. And I very much doubt that there has been any washing in between of 'bits'.

All this 'different standards' chat is excuses - it's laziness, and it's the reliance on the other parent to pick up the slack.

Does your son have additional needs? My daughter is 9 and has been showering and washing her own very long hair independently for years now. Why can’t your son wash himself and his presumably short hair?

I also think standards of hygiene are a lot higher so whereas my smelly dad might not have been as noticeable surrounded by all the other smelly dads. He would stand out now quite significantly.
As would an eight year-old child
Most parents when they’re married except that the children get bathed every night usually, It’s only when the family splits that the standard plummet and everybody just has to get on with it apparently you’re not even allowed to have a little Moan on mum’s net With other mothers

If your son is asking for a bath/shower and his father is refusing the I think that is neglectful tbh.
If your son feels ok with this frequency then it's just lazy parenting.

At 8 surely he's old enough to be able to wash himself? If not, then I would train him so that he can be independent with this. This would be my solution if I were in your situation.

Not sure that I share your view re: neglectful parenting @edemamequeen

I think it depends - if he has been washing even if not bathing then it's fine. If he hasn't been washing and has had one bath and no hair wash than I don't think that's fine. I would wonder about other things like brushing his teeth as his dad should absolutely be prompting all basic hygiene.

Not all children are bathed every night, its not always necessary. Not sure where this definition of a standard has come from

We've lost sight of the fact that people have an odour to them, we have a scent, its normal and natural.

What people mean when they talk about 'higher hygiene standards' is often sanitising naturalness to the nth degree so that what humans now smell of is washing powder, soap/shower gel, perfume etc etc.

Im as guilty of this as the next person, I shower every day and love the smell of soap and perfume, but if I didnt, I wouldnt have 'low standards' or be dirty. Its just a different preference. Theres nothing wrong with the decision of the dad in this case or the PP who talked about their 12 year old.

Exactly, OP hasnt answered any of the questions I asked about whether he smelt, had dirty nails, dirty hair, was hair tangled, dirty face. Was he unhappy himself?

So many people thinking one bath in six days is fine? How gross. No wonder there are so many stinky people around in public

This standard comes from every parent I’ve ever met with young children, especially boys that are prone to To Being muckier. six days in a young boy’s fingernails would be disgusting if nothing else.

It would indeed make you smelly and stand out by today’s standards, You really can’t argue against that . In every class in the 70s and 80s there was the stinky kid. Nobody wants to return to those days and nobody wants it to be yours.

Just one of the million comforts and kindnesses that go right out of the window when parenting is split between one person that attempts to maintain standard standards and the other person who doesn’t. And yet is deemed equal 🙄

I’m so glad somebody else is talking sense on this thread, Mine were bathed every night as part of the nighttime routine to get them out out of a nappy that they’ve been surrounded by piss and shit in at least part of the day.

To relax them before bedtime and to start a good hygiene routine that you would hope continues into adulthood.
Yet again another one of the disservices enforced onto children where one parent can’t be bothered.

He's a lazy parent, kid should be getting washed/showered more often than that.

I think it's unlikely the OP's 8 year old is in a nappy.

If he is, I agree that he needs a bath more frequently.