Ex not always bathing child

[edemamequeen]

DS is 8. So soon will be able to handle this himself but not yet. He is back from 6 nights away and had one bath and no hair wash. I think it’s bordering on neglect & want to say so. How do I phrase it so ex doesn’t go off the rails?

One bath is absolutely fine. The lack of hair wash, not so much.

This is not borderline neglect though and to suggest it is, is borderline ridiculous. No actually it's just ridiculous.

Get a grip.

Ideally would have had one hair wash by not the end of the world or anywhere near neglect. One bath is fine

Can DC not be taught how to shower independently with dad close by if needed? My exDH didn’t feel comfortable bathing DD at that age so I taught her how to shower and just helped out with her hair needed. DS just copied suit and got the hang of it very quickly.

It's laziness not neglect.

I think this is where you pick your battles @edemamequeen , I have similar with my DS9 when at his fathers - to the point where he has got a sweat rash not washing after sport. My ex is abusive so I'm not able to say anything or risk much worse happening.

It won't be very long before your DS wants to shower and smell clean so will instigate it himself, and in the meantime being a bit mucky for a few days isn't the end of the world (I get it, I really do...but this comes under "different parenting styles" and isn't worth the angst).

At 8 he should be perfectly capable of showering himself including hair washing unless he has very long thick hair?

But one bath every 3 days and 6 days without a hair wash isn’t awful. I’d personally say a bath or shower every other day for kids but twice in 6 days isn’t a million miles off the mark and I only wash my hair once a week 😬 (it’s dry and curly so it works best for keeping it in good condition) so I think 6 days without is fine unless his hair was noticeably dirty or smelly.

It’s once in 6 days not twice.

So was that a bath half way through his 6 nights? Or when he first arrived or just before he came home?

That’s completely fine and nothing to be concerned about at all. Perhaps you are over-washing him.

That’s completely fine.

So every 3rd day if you pick? Could be worse. And better. Let it go.

Did the child smell? Personally I would go at it from the other side and remind the child they need to bathe more often when they get older kids will notice and they will say something

pick your battles….teach your son to shower himself….won’t be long before he is just getting on with it…

Forgive me, but are you sure this is accurate? Is he messy/smelly?

My DD is 8 and spends her time 50/50 with her two parents, and honestly, I have learned not to trust a word she says about how often she has had a shower or a bath. In her case the answer is invariably 'yes, I had one this morning/yesterday night' when this is patently not true. Because she is a tiny filthpacket who would love to avoid showering (mind you, try prising her out of the shower once she's in ...).

If you are really certain that he hasn't washed, and he is obviously suffering for it, then I think you need either to say to your ex 'DS keeps avoiding showers with me; has he with you? He needs one every other day (or whatever your rule is)'. You also probably need to start the very tedious drip-drip of reminding your DS to bloody wash himself. If friends' children are any indication, you will be doing this for many, many, many years.

An extra bath or shower would possibly have been nice, but I don't see the issue with the hair?

Did he smell, dirty clothes, dirty nails, dirty face, tangly hair, greasy hair?

One bath is ok, presumably he had a hair wash before he went so leaving it a week is ok also

Not neglect. Not the same routine as at yours obviously but not neglect.

Unless he came back covered in grime theres nothing to say.

I feel this is optimistic!

I have a strong memory of the relief in my SIL's voice 'oh ... he has a girlfriend ... now I'll finally be able to stop reminding him to have a shower!'

Little did she know. Her DS is nearly 16 and while he does shower for the girlfriend, he's still a water-refuser the rest of the time.

Children are grim.

I love the way its always assumed that the girlfriend will also be clean and tidy as well, many are not!!

Another fucking useless male who shouldn't be allowed to look after children on his own.

Why whats the matter?

Unless he was obviously dirty/smelly I think this is ok. Every couple of days rather than every three days would have been better but it's nowhere near neglect.

Was DS upset/distressed by this? If he asked if he could have a bath and was told he couldn't that's maybe different, but if DS is happy and well then a bath every few days is fine.

It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t hurt your DS, it’s fine. it’s utterly ridiculous to refer to this as neglect. This is this is the very definition of a difference. In parenting styles, it’s Christmas, everyone is in a more relaxed mode but even if they weren’t, it still wouldn’t matter unless the child smells or there’s another practical reason it’s an issue. I hope you haven’t stressed your child out by complaining about this to them.

Absolutely! Again, if my own darling DD is anything to go by ...

I do think it's relatively normal to have to chivvy children to bath/shower, though. They don't see how grim they are being. You teach them, like you teach them everything.

Thank yourself lucky we had one for night visit where no teeth were brushed