How to live alone at 42 after 18 years of marriage!

[mom2daisypie]

Hi all,

Im really hoping for some words of wisdom here. A bit of background. I met my husband when I was 23. Id lived with my parents until we bought our first house. We married 15 years ago. 2 months ago I knew, after a couple of unhappy years, that I was no longer in love and wanted to seperate. It was very tough but I now rent my own home and co parent our children (12 and 10). Its very early days I know (Ive only had my keys for 4 weeks) but Ive had terrible anxiety and panic attacks about being alone. I dread the days and nights when my children arent here. I cant sit and watch TV as we always did that as a family and I find it triggers my anxiety and panic.

I try to have a candlelit bath to relax but I just cant.

Can anyone who became newly single in middle age please give me some encouragement and advice please? Im scared to be alone with my own thoughts and I go down a rabbit hole of reminiscing, grieving a lost future etc. Although the split was my decision in the end, Im still deeply hurt and grieving the loss of companionship.

So sorry to hear that.
I'm feeling better than I did but still had a good cry in the shower tonight.

They say it gets easier, and I know it does (my anxiety has now gone) but I also know it doesn't help when people say it.

For me, my cats have been everything.

I did get a new bf quite quickly but I don’t see him much so it’s the really cats doing the heavy lifting on my endless nights in.

So glad to hear you're doing a bit better mom2.

They say it gets easier, and I know it does (my anxiety has now gone) but I also know it doesn't help it doesn’t help when people say it.

When someone posts that their 6 month old is still waking every few hours and asks if it gets easier, you can tell them it’s entirely normal and it’s just a phase and will get easier. That is very little comfort when you’re in the thick of it, and it won’t make the next 2 am wake up, any less grim.

It’s so good your anxiety has improved. I do think to treat this as you would grief, and just get through the sudden tears springing out for no particular reason, and having bad days, or hours, and feeling generally on the edge. It’s horrible no matter how normal it is.

Bad morning so far. I've managed to put a wash on but hiding in loo.crying so the kids don't see
I cant get over whqt he djd to me. The lies just keep going qround and around. Like he had a double life.

The anxiety is your brain going 'this is different, how do I know I'm safe, I can't cope with this, arrrrgh'

And through getting through the days and weeks and months, you tell your brain that it doesn't need to worry. I don't think there's a magic fix. Maybe having little mantras you repeat to yourself, I can do this, I'm getting stronger every day etc. making plans and creating new routines.

The pain is so bad. Hes still woth her. Why wasnt I good enough

@superplumb You've got this. Cry and grieve for the life you thought you had. That's ok. I always think these post affair relationships must have an undercurrent of distrust.

But try and frame it a different way.

You deserve better.
How dare he disrespect you like this.
You are strong.
Focus on getting the best deal possible. Don't undersell yourself and all the things you brought to the family. Ensure your solicitor gets the best for you.
You will build a better life with your children.
This is the next chapter of the story of your life.

Thank you. I cried less yesterday. When I'm woth friends and straight after I feel more positive but then when I'm alone amd I wake at night, I miss him the old him and my old life. I just fucking hate this. I wish he hadn't done this. I wish he was strong enough just to leave me and not hurt me like this. This is something which jqs scarred my heart forever. The last 27 years are now tainted.