How to live alone at 42 after 18 years of marriage!

[mom2daisypie]

Hi all,

Im really hoping for some words of wisdom here. A bit of background. I met my husband when I was 23. Id lived with my parents until we bought our first house. We married 15 years ago. 2 months ago I knew, after a couple of unhappy years, that I was no longer in love and wanted to seperate. It was very tough but I now rent my own home and co parent our children (12 and 10). Its very early days I know (Ive only had my keys for 4 weeks) but Ive had terrible anxiety and panic attacks about being alone. I dread the days and nights when my children arent here. I cant sit and watch TV as we always did that as a family and I find it triggers my anxiety and panic.

I try to have a candlelit bath to relax but I just cant.

Can anyone who became newly single in middle age please give me some encouragement and advice please? Im scared to be alone with my own thoughts and I go down a rabbit hole of reminiscing, grieving a lost future etc. Although the split was my decision in the end, Im still deeply hurt and grieving the loss of companionship.

Completely agree with Combust above. Find areas in your house where you feel comfortable and hang out there. It will all feel raw and difficult and overwhelming. Totally normal feelings. However.....be very mindful of the fact that they are just feelings. They will pass eventually. Don't allow yourself to spiral too far down. Force yourself to do some things. Even if you feel wretched. Don't let it all get totally out of hand. The awful feeling of anxiety WILL fade eventually but don't put your whole life on hold waiting for that moment. Being alone isn't the end of the world. Millions of people live very successfully alone and you will be able to aswell.

I think you find the balance. For me, I tried to find a new routine. I went back to some things I hadn’t been doing when I was married/had been ill, like the gym and seeing friends more, but I didn’t really feel like I pushed myself until about 6 months after when I felt ready. Adjusting to a ‘new normal’ was enough.

Particularly if that cat is a kitten!

Thank you. This is how I feel. I love my bedroom here and it's where I end up most of the time. It's very calming and cosy. Good to know it's OK to retreat from the norm for a while.

Hey - I split from my partner of 22 years at the age of 43 about 4 years ago. He left me but….I’ve never been happier!

I was always terrified of being alone (thought I hated it) but our split happened during lockdown so I spent a lot of time alone and honestly have learnt to love it. I have my children 50% of the time and I love that time too. But I couldn’t imagine not having all this lovely decompressing time too.

Don’t stop taking the anti-deps. For the first few days I always get horrendous panic attacks. Then they go swiftly and you’ll feel so much better. Once your mental health is on the up you’ll feel much better prepared to tackle other aspects of your life.

The beauty of living alone is you can do what the fuck you want! Who cares if your bedroom is your main room? No-one! Go for it!

PLEASE stop digging 🙄🙈

op - I’m a other one here. Alone at 45 after 25 year marriage. Usual story of affair etc. Now 50 and would never want to live with a man again.
I got a dog, joined a gym and I listen to lots of talk radio and audio books. I avoid anything on tv etc with happy couples.
it will get easier

Finding your happy space is important...I've styled my bedroom exactly how I wanted it and that was important after spending 9mths sleeping on the lounge floor!

Snatherwang · Today 13:45
The beauty of living alone is you can do what the fuck you want! Who cares if your bedroom is your main room? No-one! Go for it!

Even After so many years of living alone, I appreciate doing exactly what I want, where I want, how I want, when I want. After 23 years off living in a messy house with totally disorganised, inconsiderate ex, I love having a place that I’ve decorated and organised how I want it. If I want to go to bed at 7pm I go. If I want cereal and toast for dinner, that’s what I have. It’s so nice. But when I was first alone, like OP, I just needed to retreat into my lair and get through the shock, weirdness and depression and anxiety. It’s bloody hard and I felt wretched - like all the cards of life have been thrown up in the air and I’d no idea how they are all going to land. I hope it helps for OP to hear she’s not alone in how she feels and how she’s getting through it.

It may sound trite but I would recommend daily meditation with no expectation. Even when the practicalities are sorted we can still suffer anxiety, unwelcome thoughts and memories and inability to feel relaxed enough to fall asleep or be woken by disturbing dreams.

I do Headspace. It helps you observe thoughts as if from a distance and not be caught up emotionally with them. So they are neutralised and you feel calmer, can sleep better and can cope better. So you feel better about yourself and your resilience and ability to cope and one day you don't feel the need to return to your safe space of bed after the school run.

It may take some time. I spent a lot of days in my safe space meditating before I got there because I had a lot of crap to navigate. But it is worth it for you and your loved ones. And let's face it there is nothing else on offer in the immediate term.

You deserve to live in every room of your house. Maybe you should meditate in the room you don't feel entitled to occupy?

@CactusSammy

Going rid of your marital bed is quite symbolic. I glad I did it!

Thanks for your comment. I struggle to focus on meditation to be honest. I have tried in the past. I use the Calm app if I wake in the night. Either sleep stories or breathing exercises. There is a visualisation on there which involves imagining worries on clouds drifting away, but I found that visualising painful memories was worse than distracting myself from them at this stage.
When it comes to the lounge I do use it when my children are here. I'll sit with them in there with the TV on, it's just when I'm alone. My husband didn't live in this house so I don't have any memories of him here or anything, it's just feeling strangely alone. It doesn't feel like it in the bedroom but then I guess I'm used to travelling for work, staying in hotels etc so sitting on a bed with the laptop is second nature! (and something which I always did on my own when working away).

Yes, this is the part I try to focus on. Doing what I like. Some days I feel quite sad and lonely drifting from room to room. Other days I try to think about what I fancy to eat later...tonight I've decided to have pizza in bed which watching Netflix! Not huge but I think it's these little wins that will get me through, a day at a time. My youngest daughter is 10 and she's often quite upset with me. Not tearful but grumpy and won't really communicate which sets me back a bit. I get upset but not in front of her. I've only been in my own home a month though, I guess it's early days for both of my girls.

Sorry to hear you were on the floor. I spent a lot of time sleeping on a mattress on the dining room floor in our old house and on the sofa in the last one. When I say it, it sounds ridiculous and people who know me are shocked. I never told anyone. I used to put my duvet and pillow away upstairs when anyone visited. When I told my Mum yesterday she said "why didn't you tell us years ago we'd have helped you get out sooner". I wish I had.

I've heard a lot of women say the same, they'd never live with a man again. I'm getting a puppy on Saturday - a Shih-tzu. I know I'll have my work cut out but I think it's exactly what I need at the moment. I've always wanted a small dog, but my Husband had a German Shepherd and wouldn't have another dog so now I get to have my own little companion!

Do you mind me asking about avoiding TV shows with happy couples? does it make you feel sad or is it just annoying? At the moment I can't listen to love songs and avoid looking at couples/young families when I'm out of the house but I'm hoping that will pass in time?

Great to hear you've never been happier!

I actually called my GP yesterday and she said that she'd been thinking and thought I should stop the Citalopram, as I'm not presenting with depression, just anxiety/panic. Instead she prescribed me Propananol (beta-blockers) and I have to say, yesterday when I started feeling my heart racing, I took one and within 20 minutes my chest felt much better. I still felt anxious but I didn't have the chills, shakes or racing heart. I'll see how it goes.

Do you mind me asking about avoiding TV shows with happy couples? does it make you feel sad or is it just annoying? At the moment I can't listen to love songs and avoid looking at couples/young families when I'm out of the house but I'm hoping that will pass in time?”

I stopped walking in my local park at the weekends as it was too painful to see families looking happy and doing normal weekend things. No way could I listen to love songs or watch rom coms etc either. I think it’s completely normal to find stuff like this just too hard and sad to put yourself through if there’s a choice. It’s so good you’re getting a dog . That will be a wonderful new focus for you and the DC? A new little being with no associations with the past. It will be a comfort to you all I’m sure and hopefully help DD with her grumpiness and reluctance to communicate. The swap of antidepressants with beta blockers sounds a good one. Keep going. For a month on, you sound to be doing what you most need to get through

Ah yes I can understand that. I get sad seeing little girls anyway now mine are growing up so fast so at the moment seeing families having fun would be too painful for me too.

I left my Husband in Oct but was staying in Air BnB houses locally until getting the keys here at the beginning of Dec. It all moved very quickly after he decided he didnt want to "nest" anymore. We had planned to share the family home (3 days on 3 days off) and alternate between there and a rental but he decided one day that he wasn't leaving "his own bed" so that was that. He suggested I move into one of the childrens bedrooms and they share a room but I couldn't bear the thought of being under the same roof.

I went straight from living at home to living with my now ex (then children) for almost 20 years. It can feel lonely, especially in the early days when everything is still unfamiliar, and you are probably still grieving the relationship- even though it was your choice, it’s still like a death in a sense, something has ended and will take time to adapt.
I’m a serial overthinker/anxiety ridden catastrophiser - being on my own hasn’t scared me in that sense, but I do feel the ‘burden’ for want of a better term of being the one responsible for everything, I’ll quite often feel anxious about finances.

I can’t empathise completely as it’s very rare the children stay overnight with their dad (think ha weeks holiday once a year) so I haven’t really had much time totally alone, but I’ve certainly felt vulnerable.

id suggest making time for yourself when you know no one is at home - plan dinners or catch ups with friends, go swimming/gym, find an evening activity class you’d enjoy. You may meet new friends as a bonus.

practical things such as locks and alarms as already mentioned should be a physical reminder you are safe, but I get that our minds can play us up and still cause worry, I’ve no idea if it’s the right way to deal with things, but that’s when I’ll try to do something to ‘switch off’ and distract my thoughts and worries.

just remember this is the hardest time, things will get easier 😊

Hi Op. the not watching tv shows and avoiding couples etc is partly to do with the smugness of couples, the grieving of what I thought my life would be, and no longer being able to relate. It doesn’t bother me now so much although I ensured, and still do, that most of my socialising is with other single women and I steer clear when people at work chat about their partners.

As a previous poster said, you really need to understand it will not be forever. It's so different for you but it WILL get easier and then when you meet the right person, it will change again. Give yourself permission to relax and enjoy your dsc at this time.

Thank you everyone. I'm struggling again today although after stopping the Citalopram at day 9 I did get my first nights sleep last night so hopefully that continues and I start to feel better. My thoughts today are consumed with "my life has fallen apart".

But it wasn’t a happy one.

turn that thought into

I did something very brave to give myself a chance of building my life to where I want it to be.

Early days are always the hardest.

I have been through this about 10 years ago. Was on my own for 5 years until I met someone else and now that has ended too so I’m back on my own again.

In early days I used the solo days I had to get the house how I wanted it, painting, garden etc, I joined a drama group which took up 2 of the nights. I binge watched loads of boxsets while slobbjng around in my pj’s when I fancied it. I went to bed early some nights and slept in some mornings.

I found it hard at first to get used to the quiet but I absolutely love it now. You will too with time.

I also did a bit of flirting online too, had a few dates, had some good sex, some bad sex and some mediocre sex 🤣

I remind myself too that I felt very alone in my marriage which actually looking back now was worse than anything I have experienced since.

There will be up days and down days OP. At first, probably more of the down ones. That’s ok. You are in a weird sort of limbo right now, and that’s stressful, exhausting and frightening. Everything that was ‘a given’ before - where you lived, when you see DC, how work will work out etc , has now been turned upside down with huge changes and and adjustments involved. You are doing really well to have made the move to end a relationship that wasn’t working, rented a place, be there for your kids and sort out all the admin that moving involves. Keep doing the things that help you feel a bit better. It’s so good you got some sleep finally.