How to live alone at 42 after 18 years of marriage!

[mom2daisypie]

Hi all,

Im really hoping for some words of wisdom here. A bit of background. I met my husband when I was 23. Id lived with my parents until we bought our first house. We married 15 years ago. 2 months ago I knew, after a couple of unhappy years, that I was no longer in love and wanted to seperate. It was very tough but I now rent my own home and co parent our children (12 and 10). Its very early days I know (Ive only had my keys for 4 weeks) but Ive had terrible anxiety and panic attacks about being alone. I dread the days and nights when my children arent here. I cant sit and watch TV as we always did that as a family and I find it triggers my anxiety and panic.

I try to have a candlelit bath to relax but I just cant.

Can anyone who became newly single in middle age please give me some encouragement and advice please? Im scared to be alone with my own thoughts and I go down a rabbit hole of reminiscing, grieving a lost future etc. Although the split was my decision in the end, Im still deeply hurt and grieving the loss of companionship.

That was me aged 45, I'm not alone now because I met my now dh but it's a tough transition from a family life to just you. I was mostly alone because kids were at university, though I did have the family dog for company. I did rebuild my social life and had some interesting dates then when i thought dating was not going anywhere boom I met my now dh.

I second the suggestion of having friends over for dinner, drinks, fun etc when the children aren't there especially. My house became a kind of an escape pod for some of my female friends and we even had some grown up sleepovers. Some good memories were made there amidst the sadness. I also decorated the house as I wished, played the music/radio/podcasts I liked, ate the food I liked and generally suited myself. The security aspect never bothered me at all and I had lived alone in college so I wasn't without some experience of it. For me, it was more about missing the children when they weren't there (50% of the time) - I'm afraid I didn't miss my exhusband very much. You will adjust OP but it will take time and possibly a fair bit of it. For a long time, a few years maybe I would cry when I came home in the evening to an empty house after being out, those were the loneliest times. But they too passed.

I’m 42 and also left two months ago…I had never lived alone (moved in with my husband when we bought a house together when I was 18). My daughter doesn’t stay with her dad overnight much so it’s a bit different but I have found the alone time strange but mostly because I’m not accountable to anyone.

I am quite a busy person which helps - play an instrument, member of WI (highly recommend that by the way - my WI friends have been very supportive but a group of 30 women have seen it all!), go to the gym and have a dog that I walk. I’m in a couple of writing groups too.

I have been busying myself with house things (I’m in a rental) - I bought a kit to make jesmonite coasters, have done some non permanent adjustments to things.

Are you a reader? I got a book and went and sat in a cafe at the weekend…made a change from being home alone. I listen to audiobooks when I walk the dog.

I also like learning - not necessarily formal stuff but there are some good cheap courses etc on the WI Learning Hub (open to non members, members just get it free). Learn to crochet, listen to a talk on Jack the Ripper or join the film club…all online.

This was me 2 years ago, a few years younger. Full disclosure I am male. As others have said, it will get better, I promise.

A pet really helps. My dog has been a lifeline. Even knowing she is in the house makes it feel completely different.

The shipping forecast/Radio 4. I sometimes get sleep paralysis and wake up in the middle of the night having had nightmare flashbacks of a death I witnessed at close quarters last year. When you’re trying to get your head straight again in those first few moments after waking up in the dark, panting, drenched in sweat in an empty house, mundane Radio 4 (or world service at night) is a lifesaver. You can feel normality coming back into your body through your ears, horror being replaced by reassuring boredom.

Reading silly stuff online. I watched that haunted oil rig TV show last week on Prime (The Rig season 1), fell asleep on the sofa, and woke up in a state at 2am too scared to get up. Reading a mumsnet thread about farting allowed me to get going again.

Don’t binge watch Happy Valley season 1 in the middle of the night like I did. Did not know it features horrific PTSD flashbacks. Took a long time to climb the stairs to bed after that one.

Reading is excellent. But don’t make the mistake I made of reading Elizabeth Bowen’s “The Demon Lover” at 2am, having misunderstood the title. Spoiler alert: the twist in the last paragraph is so terrifying that you’ll be left hearing the sound of your heart pounding in your ears for minutes afterwards. PG Wodehouse is a much safer bet.

Don’t hang wetsuits up to dry in the shower, unless you remember before going to the bathroom at 2am. Looks like a headless monster has hanged themselves right in front of you, flashing up when you turn the bathroom lights on. Still recovering from that one.

On the topic of bathrooms, make sure your bathroom fan doesn’t malfunction and scream like a banshee. Mine did that once in the middle of the night. Worse than watching Woman in Black.

All of those mishaps aside, I’ve now adjusted so much that I often don’t bother turning on the lights when moving about the house after dark. It is quite big old spooky house too. (My kids are too terrified to go upstairs alone when they are here - the vibes of the building are not good). But I enjoy being here now, even when it is just me.

I hope you manage that adjustment without some of the unlucky mishaps I had! I can now look back and laugh. The tricks and workarounds I’ve developed give me a lot more confidence and reassurance. You’ll be able to too, even if it feels impossible now. Depending on what your previous relationship was like, your home will soon feel like a safe place just because you don’t have to share it. Don’t mess it up and get a new partner! Good luck.

Puddingcloths your post made me laugh.

A few months after I left my ex, I made a list of all the things I’d done and had managed to sort out since I left. My confidence and self esteem and absolute shock, had left me feeling like a stupid, wounded animal, but when I listed what I had done, it reminded me how dogged, able and competent I was. All the things my ex had made me feel I wasn’t. Gradually the really painful things like seeing families doing stuff together at the weekends, lessened and became bearable and started to enjoy eating cornflakes and toast for dinner and watching crap on my computer in bed at 8pm, just because I could.

I was 46 when I left. I was homeless, had been left in debt due to horrific financial abuse and was trying to get my head round the whole of our life together being a pack of lies. I still can’t look at old photos nor bear to think of holidays and shared times. But I do love having total autonomy, making all my own decisions, choices and living a simple and honest life. An acquaintance phoned me when she heard I’d left. She had just come through the other side of a grim divorce and wanted to tell me she understood and that I would get through all this, and would be ok. At the time she called, I couldn’t even see the metaphorical tunnel, let alone a light at the end of it,somehow it gave me strength.

The early days are utterly destabilising and surreal. You are dealing with so much practically, emotionally and that really knocks your stuffing out . Try not to think past a few days ahead. I made a to do list for each day and try do at least a few of the things on it. Everything might take you longer to do because stress can really slow you down. Just know people understand and are willing you through this. Keep on going, one day at a time.

Wow.
Thank you so much to everyone for reaching out. Im suffering with terrible sleep and anxiety which is making moving forward and staying positive very difficult.

There are so many painful triggers at the moment that I avoid so many situations for fear of anxiety. Some days I feel like staying in bed and just crying. I had a few positive days when I first moved in 4 weeks ago, and got the place looking homely but I guess the reality and scale of the situation has hit me, I wonder how Ill ever be happy again.

Did the school run today and currently back in bed. I have a little shop that hasnt been open since the split. We worked together there and I cant face questions from people.
Im in such a hole.

Give yourself time, @mom2daisypie it's a massive adjustment - be very kind to yourself. There's some brilliant advice above. I lived completely alone for a number of years and while initially being worried, I grew to love the peace and cleanliness of my own home. I loved that no one else had the right to come in and invade my space. I think you'll grow to love your place. Don't give it up too easily x

Same situation here OP, 18 years together and finally split just before Christmas. It’s been a long festive break.

I'm going to give some of the suggestions a go - off to Google how to upcycle furniture now, as I need something that’s not my phone to keep my hands busy.

OP - Could you summon up the energy to go down to your shop and give it an early-spring clean?

Please don't add guilt of even feeling this way to your already chock full plate of emotions. It is totally understandable and its a stae of grief.

Allow yourself to grieve for the life that was / was imagined for your future, and given yourself time to adjust to the new set up. At some point it truly will feel like you have a new Normal, and the pain will have gone. It's just it's a process, and it takes time.

I live alone have done for 12 year and bloody love it.
But ive never found it hard to be on my own.
I suppose im just a weirdo that just gets on with it.
I did tell myself a few time look you can do what you want when you want you can be selfish because its just you.
I would never live with anyone ever again.
Plus its cheaper and i get to travel more cheaper flights no one to compromise with.
Listen to all the music i wasn't allowed to.
Life is bliss.

You have a bit of task ahead of you and it can be hard to get started as you don't know how to sometimes.

I left my marriage after 20 years together three years ago and moved far away (but for me it was home) and restarted my life. I was in a slightly different position because I was elated that I had left and life felt so light and free.

However, I did anticipate that I could become lonely so I joined a couple of exercise classes which took up two evenings during the week plus every Saturday morning, I joined a friendship app and met a bunch of new friends, I already have a dog plus adult kids so between all of that and full-time work the time I get where I am not doing anything in particular is quite welcome.

So basically, what you have to do is face the world (go back to work) and make changes to fill up the time where you are struggeling. It might also be a good idea to get a few sessions of therapy to get started with it all. It's basically a journey of re-inventing yourself that you will have to go on, but it's fun too!

I lost my husband of 50 years, two and a half years ago and two years ago I moved to a new area. Divorce causes grief too and I have experienced bouts of severe anxiety but it is getting better all the time. I also lost my confidence in several areas, including driving my car, but I keep challenging myself and going further afield.

As others have said I feel better having got a security system in (a DIY one like Simplisafe is cheap but good). Also I have redecorated and bought velvet curtains and colourful artwork to make my house a home. I bought a new bed and beautiful, good quality bedding. I now enjoy my space and can do whatever I want in my own time.

I also joined the local WI and have made a good group of friends, and developed a social life. I will never get over losing my husband but I have made a life for myself, in my 70's and I'm proud of myself. This year I have booked my first solo holidays abroad! You can do the same, just give it time and find things to enjoy - a hot bubble bath is my favourite pick me up.

So many wonderful women (and one man!) on this thread, sharing their struggles, but also their hard won insights and inspiring stories of how they got through this phase of life. Not just got through it but came our more resourceful, capable and seemingly at peace. We are very lucky to have this space to hear this.

Thank you so much to everyone for reaching out. Im suffering with terrible sleep and anxiety which is making moving forward and staying positive very difficult.
There are so many painful triggers at the moment that I avoid so many situations for fear of anxiety. Some days I feel like staying in bed and just crying. I had a few positive days when I first moved in 4 weeks ago, and got the place looking homely but I guess the reality and scale of the situation has hit me, I wonder how Ill ever be happy again.
Did the school run today and currently back in bed. I have a little shop that hasnt been open since the split. We worked together there and I cant face questions from people.
Im in such a hole.

It’s understandable and ok to avoid triggers at this stage . It’s all so raw and you don’t need to add to your fragile state right now. Do what you have to do , and anything on top of that can wait. It’s tempting to think you should be cracking on and going out, making new connections etc. But you are in survival mode. The turmoil of such a massive life change is physically exhausting and if you need a day in bed or a rest, don’t feel guilty. You’re at the very beginning of rebuilding a new life. When you are ready you can start to venture out of your den. Right now you need to get over the shock and turmoil. Listen and watch light and unchallenging stuff, don’t force yourself into things you don’t have to and don’t feel ready to do.

I bloody love being single and living on my own . I divorced in 2009 after 23 years. I have good friends and neighbours, interests and love living on my own. I don’t want or need another relationship. Many do though. There’s plenty of time to think about what is right for you and to change your mind about that as well. In the early days the pain was horrible. I felt like a scared, panicky , wounded animal. I never imagined I’d cope, let alone build a new and better life. You’ll get there OP, but don’t expect much from yourself for now. And just know there are people on here who understand and are willing you onwards and (in your own time), upwards 💐

Very similar timing! The Christmas break was incredibly long and difficult.

Yes I really do need to get down my shop, I guess I know the other shopkeepers and locals will probably have lots of questions after not opening for a few months and I'm not sure how I feel about saying out loud what's happened yet. I could go down on a Sunday I suppose as nothing is open.

Hope youre getting on OK yourself?

Really appreciate the comments and support here, it helps to hear that happiness can be found again.

My GP started me on Citalopram a week ago and to be honest Im in 2 minds about carrying on. He did warn me the anxiety could get worse for about 2 weeks until my body gets used to the meds and it definitely has. I've had 2 panic attacks since being on them but then it could be coincidence. The mornings are awful. I wake every 2 hours through the night in an anxious state. I only feel OK around 5pm and into the evening. All day I'm anxious and on edge.
Is this normal?

Go onto YouTube and search for Dr Claire Weekes - she'll help you deal with your panic attacks.

And, at the risk of getting blasted, was your marriage really bad? You mention a couple of unhappy years and not being in love with your DH anymore but every marriage has its ups and down and being in love isn't everything. Did your husband want to split? Is there any chance you can make changes and work things out?

I'm not saying this to make you doubt yourself (you will be fine) but maybe you're unhappy because it's early days or maybe because this isn't what you really want.

Best of luck, OP.

Thank you for replying.

No, I definitely did the right thing. I don't miss my husband at all. I miss the security and companionship I guess but I used to work away from home sometimes and obviously missed my children, but it occurred to me this year that I didnt miss him.

He'd have carried on with the marriage but I'd been sleeping on the sofa for 6 months and over the past 12 years we'd been in seperate rooms in our old house off and on. It's not the life I want for either of us.
He's a good person and a great father and I'm sure in time we'll get along fine for the children but that's it.

People are less interested than you may think. We forget how common divorce is. Only really nosy people asked intrusive questions (which you just shut down) everyone else was just sympathetic. Maybe try yoga or a meditation app / YouTube class. Maybe an online class and work up to in person class with a local teacher. I joined a more expensive gym mainly for the yoga / pool and spa and 1. The cost made me use it. 2. It was usually empty late evenings and weekend morning/evenings which were times I didn’t want to be in house anyway. 3. It made me relax as there’s not much else to do in a steam room and the yoga relaxation / guided meditation really helped. 4. The classes were popular and I had to pre book and couldn’t cancel last minute which made me get out the house at set times each week.

My GP started me on Citalopram a week ago and to be honest Im in 2 minds about carrying on. He did warn me the anxiety could get worse for about 2 weeks until my body gets used to the meds and it definitely has. I've had 2 panic attacks since being on them but then it could be coincidence. The mornings are awful. I wake every 2 hours through the night in an anxious state. I only feel OK around 5pm and into the evening. All day I'm anxious and on edge.
Is this normal?

I think it’s normal. I had the most bizarre symptoms - the tip of my nose and cheeks felt numb, I felt that with each step I walked, I would fall over, a dull pain in the centre of my back, weak arms, reading but not taking anything in etc. I’d be exhausted but just couldn’t sleep. In the end my GP gave me sleeping tablets as he said I needed to be able to function during the day. I had no idea all these things could be part of anxiety/panic, but a work colleague said my stuff sounded like anxiety and it definitely was. It’s worth giving citalopam a chance I think.

I agree that people are less interested and surprised than we think . We feel like we are the only person going through a divorce because it impacts every part of our life, but to others, it’s totally un-shocking. I’d not worry about telling others. They’ll be sympathetic I’m sure. How you feel sounds very similar to how I felt. I felt like I’d been picked up and plonked down on an alien planet, where nothing was familiar or comfortable or right. Just go with it and do what you can to help yourself feel less destabilised.

Also single after 20 years of marriage and in my 40's.

As others have or will say get a dog, I'd be lost without mine!

Security lights, cameras, ring doorbell just for peace of mind.

My children are the same ages as yours and ex has them 2/3 nights a week... I schedule the majority of my work for when the children are with their dad.

My children are neurodiverse and I adore them greatly, they are very very hard work so I've learnt to view my down time as time for me and time to relax. I've started to read again.

Like you, I miss the security of being in a relationship and whilst I get on very well as friends and co parents with my ex, I don't miss living with him. In hindsight, I should very have got married.

I hope you get some comfort in knowing you are not alone in terms of what you are feeling.

Hi, my STBX left me in June for his girlfriend. We had been together 20 years.
She’s now bought a house in the same town as me and her and EXH are making it their new home.
I have fairly young pre teen DC and I work shifts but I’ve been trying to listen to podcast, go to the gym, meet friends for walks/coffee and visit family and other friends. I agree with having the radio on in the background. That’s helped me.
I’m also in the process of selling the family home so I’m doing tip runs, emptying the loft out, selling furniture and boxing stuff up.
I’ve saved and I’m having a 3 night City break with a friend in a few weeks. I’m hoping to sort a holiday with DC at Easter ( credit card 🫣🤣) I’m trying to give myself little things to look forward to. The days I’m not working, I get the kids off to school then head out for a long walk with a podcast on.
It’s still so hard. I miss being able to organise things with a partner…. I miss being part of a couple. I miss the laughs and same sense of humour we had.
I don’t however miss my EXH bad breath, annoying farts, funky body odour and the boring sex.
Everyone says it gets easier. It hasn’t yet but I keep hoping. Good luck xx

Yeah but how will the OP feel less alone by hearing from some random from the internet saying that they're not in the same situation and talking about their own lovely husband. Don't you think it might be more helpful for her to hear from people who are going through or have been through the same as her?

If you felt moved to empathy and wanted to comment, you could say something like "that sounds really tough, hang in there" rather than saying that being alone is the worst thing you can possibly imagine and then talking all about your lovely husband

Really appreciate the experiences shared here and the support. I have moments of feeling like it's all going to be OK but they're few and far between. When I have those moments I put the radio on, take a bath, do some cleaning etc.
Something I just cannot face at the moment is sitting in the living room and watching TV in the evening. I've created a lovely space, new sofa, my own artwork and books around me but as the evenings were always family time, I feel extremely isolated and alone if I sit in that room in the evening. The house I'm renting is also on a main road (our family home is very rural and quiet) and so I find the new noise a bit of an issue at the moment.

Does everyone think it's OK during the first few months to avoid triggering situations/reminders, while it's all so raw, or should I be exposing myself to things?

Does everyone think it's OK during the first few months to avoid triggering situations/reminders, while it's all so raw, or should I be exposing myself to things?

Cant speak for everyone, but I think at this stage everything is hard enough without pushing yourself to do things that make you feel worse. Your living room sounds lovely, but if spending the evenings in there is upsetting now, then be where you feel less upset. If that’s your bedroom (that was my sanctuary and most comfort giving room for about a year ), so be it. Make it as cosy and nice as possible and enjoy snuggling up and watching and listening to enjoyable things and heal. In time you’ll feel stronger mentally and physically and wanting to emerge from your comfort zone. I felt like a wounded animal and looking back I treat myself like one, which I think is what I most needed. A friend of mine is totally different and is out going to pubs and and socialising. Everyone is different and has different reactions.