How to live alone at 42 after 18 years of marriage!

[mom2daisypie]

Hi all,

Im really hoping for some words of wisdom here. A bit of background. I met my husband when I was 23. Id lived with my parents until we bought our first house. We married 15 years ago. 2 months ago I knew, after a couple of unhappy years, that I was no longer in love and wanted to seperate. It was very tough but I now rent my own home and co parent our children (12 and 10). Its very early days I know (Ive only had my keys for 4 weeks) but Ive had terrible anxiety and panic attacks about being alone. I dread the days and nights when my children arent here. I cant sit and watch TV as we always did that as a family and I find it triggers my anxiety and panic.

I try to have a candlelit bath to relax but I just cant.

Can anyone who became newly single in middle age please give me some encouragement and advice please? Im scared to be alone with my own thoughts and I go down a rabbit hole of reminiscing, grieving a lost future etc. Although the split was my decision in the end, Im still deeply hurt and grieving the loss of companionship.

At first I couldn’t bear parks at the weekend with all the happy families. Honestly, happy couples barely ever bug me now. I just think ‘good for them.’ Because certainly most of the women I know who are married have to make massive compromises in their life and happiness that I’m just not prepared to anymore. Many marriages are certainly not that happy. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone and that will change but I can’t see it tbh

I took sertraline (similar to Citalopram) for anxiety - it’s not just for depression so a very odd thing for the doctor to say - and to take you off it at the very point it turns around and starts to help. Propranolol deals with physical anxiety symptoms but not emotional ones. Could you see another doctor perhaps?

It definitely gets easier over time. My youngest left for uni too and I was bereft at first. Missed him terribly but also felt vulnerable on my own despite being a single parent for 15 years.

Do you have any pets? Although my cat is rather aloof, he's a comfort. I may get a dog too but not sure yet.

I was on my own for ten years. I both liked the freedom and hated being alone. So, yes I do understand. I organised my life, I went exercise class one evening, shopping another and so each evening filled up. In the end, I met someone by chance at an evening class and happily married. All the best, it's very difficult as you are probably grieving your old life at the same time

Yes the smug couples really bothered me too at first and the 'we' did this and 'we' did that. Never 'I'. One thing that hurt was I stopped getting invited to nights out when they went as couples but I got over that too eventually.

Now I relish my independence and will never live with a man again! It's so peaceful and you can do whatever you want, whenever you want.

Thats exactly how I feel. Everything was more or less certain (as much as life can be) but yes, I was unhappy. I'd gotten so used to the unhappiness though that I just assumed it was my life and that it was just how things are for people who have been together a long time, have kids, jobs and responsibilities. I let it carry on for far too long, avoiding intimacy by sleeping on the sofa, going tense when my husband tried to hug me, cringing at his constant throat clearing and coughing, no longer finding him even remotely funny, his smell...everything. In the end the thought of spending another 18 years feeling like I was sleepwalking through my life was just unbearable.

I guess I'm an old romantic but even at 42 I long to stroll hand in hand with someone, gaze into their eyes and feel like the only 2 people in the world. I just feel really scared that it will never happen for me now.

For now though, I just want inner peace. I want to feel happy and content in my own company and not feel bereft. I'm trying to find local groups to join just to fill some evenings when I don't have DC but I live rurally and there doesn't seem to be much happening at all, even on zoom!

when you are alone in the house, every little normal noise seems amplified. Getting a pet can help because you can blame it on the pet. Even something small like a hamster could cause a sound to echo through the house.

then there is knowing you are responsible for everything. Admit your weak areas and start researching tradespeople or services to plug the gaps. We all have strengths and weaknesses. It isn’t sexist to admit that when we have a partner, we divide and conquer life’s responsibilities. If you are a horrible cook, look to outsource meals a bit or take a cooking class. If you aren’t good at fixing things, find a jack-of-all trades who will do small jobs. It doesn’t have to be forever for don’t want it to be. You can improve your weaker skills, but knowing you have a backup plan will help.

After my divorce, I was all alone. My family lived far away and it turned out all our friends were really my XH’s friends. I managed to break toes on two separate occasions (moving furniture by myself). I did such a bad job trying to change the very old style locks (after my ex misbehaved) that I had to call an out of hours locksmith for crazy amounts of money. I got strong-armed into a discount by someone I was selling an old appliance to when I was moving out of our old place, something I know would not have happened if I wasn’t a solo woman. I got through it and ended up in a much better place. You will too.

I would be the same. I understand.

My only advice is to ‘feel it all’

It might feel like physical pain in your chest at times but you are learning a new skill and it is important that you go through it. There is no way around it, only through it.

You won’t always feel like this x x

I'm really sorry you feel this way OP. I just wanted to say how brave you are for taking this step.
I am currently struggling in my 17 year marriage and questioning whether to leave or not.
I love and care about him and don't want anyone else. We have been through so much the past few years and we have lost ourselves.
I'm petrified of what it would mean for both of us if we broke up. He doesn't have a lot of family support so no idea where he would go.
I hope things get better for you soon and you settle into your new chapter of your life.

I don’t know of this link will work but this fella always makes me laugh

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DD47RBYKRQ4/?igsh=MW0zcmhhb2U3N2ZpYQ==

Sorry this one might work : www.instagram.com/reel/DDxf0vMq4Ro/?igsh=M3JzcTNmMnZpazA4

I guess I'm an old romantic but even at 42 I long to stroll hand in hand with someone, gaze into their eyes and feel like the only 2 people in the world. I just feel really scared that it will never happen for me now.

My DFs neighbour told me that my DF was ‘the love of her life ‘. He was 82 and she was 87 at the time. Her second husband (who she was unhappily married to) died in his 60s and she’d been living on her own and had a very busy life since. A year or so after my DM died, they spent more and more time together, doing puzzles, making each other lunch, going for a walk and cup of tea most afternoons. They were very close but I’d no idea she considered my DF her one true love 🥰. You never know where or when or how you will find someone. As you say, for now though, you need to let life settle into a new normal and for the stress, fear and anxiety to ease and to start to find new things to do when you’re ready. Harder if you’re rural perhaps. Is there a neighbourhood/village etc Facebook group, is there a local shop where you can find out if there’s anything going on ?

Hi OP. We 'met' on another thread the other day. A lot of posters here saying they're the future you; I feel like you're the future me! I've never been in love and want to experience it. It eats me up inside that I never have (I stupidly thought it would be shallow of me to turn down a good man because I didn't feel a spark), but leaving a relationship with a good man is hard. I suspect you are finding it hard for similar reasons; if your DH was a decent guy, there's not the immediate relief of being shot of him. I don't know if I'll ever manage to split up with DP, but I know reading your posts that what you have done is what I want. You are doing this and it will get easier. More power to you.

This is not a good reply. Insensitive & you’re not in the same position & smacks of pity and not in good way.

Op, I’m sure you’ll be just fine. I felt similar when I split up with my ex. It’s hard to get used to a new normal, it really is. I feel totally fine now a couple of years down the line. I have great friends, my DD and I live a full life making my own decisions. I’m quite picky where men are concerned and although I’ open to someone enhancing my life, I won’t just settle for anyone. You just have to keep pushing on, it’s early days.

I didn’t want to mention this as it might not be the case but be kind to yourself, perimenopause might be partly to blame, it’s a shitter but does get better!

Longer term solution but have you thought about living less rurally? Towns and cities are far easier for socialising and finding friends

I've been where you are now. A little older than you and after 20 years of marriage.

They say it takes a year to get over a bereavement and 2 years to get over a divorce. You will be grieving your old life for a long time.

I made the mistake of getting involved with someone else too quickly (which also turned out to be abusive, but I accepted his poor behaviour rather than being alone).

I now have my own house, which I've had major works done on and it's the first house I've owned which is completely mine).

Now, rather than resenting the silence, I love it. I have friends and family coming to stay, but I'm equally happy when they leave my little sanctuary again. I can lock the door and decide who I want to let in.

It's definitely not easy. However, I look back on the days of my marriage where I was sat in a full house feeling completely on my own. That was worse.

I own a dog, who is my wing-man and we do everything together. I've found it quite surprising which vague acquaintances have come out of the woodwork since I've been on my own and become true friends (and also people I thought were true friends that haven't been able to understand).

I never want to live with another man again. That doesn't mean I don't want a significant, committed relationship, but I won't give up my independence, my home etc to combine living space with another person again.

I love the fact that my home is always clean and tidy and I'm not having to deal with other people's mess and clutter. I love the fact that I can do whatever I want to do. There have been days where I've barely managed to get out of bed. There have been days when I've thought about ending it all. On those days a very good friend has messaged and reminded me that I've still achieved stuff. I've still got out of bed, got showered and dressed, walked the dog etc. Baby steps.

One day you'll look at the future and it might not be the future you'd imagined, but it will look good. You'll get there, I promise.

Oh lovely.

I split from my ExH when I was 34. Having never lived alone.

The first few month when I didn't have DD I literally just went to bed. My counsellor said that if that was fine, wherever I felt comfortable.

I hated coming home to an empty house. So along to cats protection league and adopted and older three legged boy that no one wanted. He was the most wonderful companion in those early days.

a friend set me a challenge of creating a list of things to do and achieve over the next couple of years. They didn't have to be huge. I put down get a belt in martial arts. So I took up kickboxing. One was read a set of books etc. it gave me a little focus when I was lost.

I'm now 8 years down the line. Turn 42 tomorrow. Still happily single. Have another cat (original boy is still here too). And wouldn't change it for the world. Sometimes lonely pangs hit, but they're fleeting and I really do love my life now. That first 12 month was really hard though. And you're doing it in Dec/jan which is always tougher.

Why don’t you start a book club? Put it on a local fb page. There might be others like you looking for something.

Id love to get back into reading again but I struggle to concentrate especially at the moment. I do need to get my mojo back workwise. I have my own business making organic skincare but haven't opened my shop or done anything since the split. I just cant face it but I know its making it harder for me overall being alone with my thoughts both day and night. I have a little shop that hasn't been open since Oct but the thought of the questioning from other shop owners and locals just makes me want to hide. I'm like a wounded animal.

Possibly although I'm right next to my girls schools here which is great for them. They love the novelty of walking to and from which we didn't have before when I lived further in the sticks where my husband is now.

I think this is home for at least the next couple of years

My good friend was a single mum for a few years before her ds went away to uni leaving her alone in the house. What she did was create a really lovely cosy reading area in the kitchen as she found the living room too big a space on her own. She now spends evenings in the kitchen with a book or the radio or Netflix on the laptop.

Not sure the OP really wants to hear about your amazing marriage.

This post makes me think you would really benefit from some professional counselling to help you decide what you need most whether - it’s to curl up and lick your wounds a bit longer or whether it’s to put a plan in place for reemergence. Maybe online counselling would work for you? You could find some support to allow you to decide for yourself your roadmap and timeline.

I had my first counselling session last week actually and have booked a 2nd for 20th. The first session I cried throughout off and on and she told me I'm grieving and that grief doesn't always follow a set pattern interests of stages. I'm bouncing between a few of them mainly shock, sadness and acceptance. Each day varies but the main emotion is definitely sadness.

Id love to get back into reading again but I struggle to concentrate especially at the moment. I do need to get my mojo back workwise. I have my own business making organic skincare but haven't opened my shop or done anything since the split. I just cant face it but I know its making it harder for me overall being alone with my thoughts both day and night. I have a little shop that hasn't been open since Oct but the thought of the questioning from other shop owners and locals just makes me want to hide. I'm like a wounded animal.

No way could have concentrated enough to read a book or set up/join a book club either OP. Maybe podcasts or audiobooks might be do-able? And if you can’t focus or fall asleep along the way, so be it - you can always replay the bits you’ve missed if you are enjoying it.

If you are in a financial place where you can take more time out, then I think the less pressure you can put on yourself right now, the better. Truly though, you will probably be surprised at your customers reactions when you do first speak with them. You don’t have to answer any questions you don’t want. I’d just tell people, I’ve ended my marriage but it’s hard to talk about it and not very interesting and then change the subject. In time, I told those I wanted to, what had happened, but you are under no obligation to talk about anything that you find upsetting.

Once you feel less fragile, your DDs school might have things you can get involved with if that appeals. Schools are a good place to meet possible friends or acquaintances.

You're only 42, I didn't live on my own until I was 34. I was really worried how lonely I'd be. WRONG! Loved it, do as i please when I pleased. No one pulling a moody if I wanted to go out with friends or order another takeaway. Try to look at the positives, you need to change your mindset maybe. You will be ok, I'm sure of that.