How to live alone at 42 after 18 years of marriage!

[mom2daisypie]

Hi all,

Im really hoping for some words of wisdom here. A bit of background. I met my husband when I was 23. Id lived with my parents until we bought our first house. We married 15 years ago. 2 months ago I knew, after a couple of unhappy years, that I was no longer in love and wanted to seperate. It was very tough but I now rent my own home and co parent our children (12 and 10). Its very early days I know (Ive only had my keys for 4 weeks) but Ive had terrible anxiety and panic attacks about being alone. I dread the days and nights when my children arent here. I cant sit and watch TV as we always did that as a family and I find it triggers my anxiety and panic.

I try to have a candlelit bath to relax but I just cant.

Can anyone who became newly single in middle age please give me some encouragement and advice please? Im scared to be alone with my own thoughts and I go down a rabbit hole of reminiscing, grieving a lost future etc. Although the split was my decision in the end, Im still deeply hurt and grieving the loss of companionship.

I’m really sorry you feel this way. It sucks. I can’t offer any advice but just wanted to say that this is my worst nightmare. I have not lived alone in over 20 years. My DD have grown up and my last one left for uni in September and now it’s just me and my DH. I am lucky in that we have an amazing marriage and are very happy but I have this deep seated fear of being alone. I now worry that something will happen and I will lose him and be left by myself. It’s been so long since I have been alone that I’m not even sure I know how to be alone anymore. It’s a horrible feeling and when I think about it I feel anxiety and panic. 🫤

I really hope that you soon settle into this new way of life and get used to it. I really do. Xx

This is quite an insensitive post!!!

OP: I'm newly single and struggling with being alone

1st comment: That sounds awful, I would hate that but luckily I have a husband who I love so I'm not alone.

Seriously why bother commenting?!?!

First, be absolutely sure of your home security. Good doors & windows, new door locks. Video door bell.

Once you are secure in your surroundings, you could redecorate your bedroom in completely your taste. I'd indulge myself with music - a lovely sound system - and colours & textures. Lots of books and distractions.

Then get to know your neighbours if you can. Build up your local support network. Look for local societies or activities you are interested in. Take your time, it won't all happen quickly.

Good luck x

OP

You are in a steep learning curve, so please be patient with yourself. How you are now is not the way things will be forever- things will get better.

Can you do something to your place so that it feels like yours? Something that makes you happy every time you see it? Perhaps start a new hobby or return to an activity you used to like?

I'd suggest:

1. Get to know your neighbours so you feel there's someone there in an emergency - pop round and say hi, I'm new in the neighborhood etc etc.
2. Get a project for when the kids are out - decorating the house is a good one, restore some furniture, paint the walls etc.
3. Make sure the security of the house is solid
4. Could you consider not being alone? Get a lodger or a foreign student there are a number of schemes like this. I do understand that might not work with kids but it's worth thinking about.

Congratulations on getting out of a marriage that wasn't working

Apart from when my son comes home from uni, I've been living alone since last summer in the marital home. Apart from the odd is that a burglar thought it's been great. Been kinder to yourself, it is still early days. Think about what is bothering you and try and come up with solutions. I know all doors are locked and I have a dog so that helps me.

Great suggestions here

I obviously didn’t mean it to come across as insensitive and expressed I was sorry she was feeling this way because I truly am. My intention was to make her not feel alone in how she was thinking and know that I would also feel this way if I found myself alone.

Do you have much time at home rather than at work all day? Might you consider a cat or dog?

I was newly single in my early 40s, with 2 kids. At first it was hard, but now I would never go back to living with a man.

The day will come when you will be sat in your home, and suddenly realise how peaceful and wonderful it is. In the meantime, things that helped me are:

1. Feeling safe in my home, especially at night. I had an alarm installed, and set it downstairs when I went to bed (might seem ott, but I live in a bit of a dodgy area, and wanted to feel safe just me and the kids at night).

1. Look for social, craft, or meetup groups in your local area. If you can, get out and make some new friends and do things that you enjoy.

1. Make your house your own, think about what you would like to do with it. Buy a new duvet, and bed too if you can afford it.

I promise you, the day will come when you feel happy being single. Give it enough time, and you'll never want to go back!

This is the hardest time as everything is still so raw, unfamiliar and exhausting. So my first bit of advice is to not judge yourself for finding this so hard.

It’s really hard when you have time to think - to not go down the worst scenarios and to not focus on the things that create the most anxiety and panic. I found listening to podcasts, radio, anything you find relaxing/calming on YouTube or tv helped stop my thoughts racing. I often fell asleep with something still playing . I know screens etc aren’t advised before bed, but needs must.

The things that are the most anxiety/panic inducting - are there any practical steps you can take to help reduce them? Is it more generalised anxiety that is about everything in general but nothing specific?

it’s ok to be scared and to feel whatever you feel and to not expect yourself to be doing great. Have you got any support in RL?

Oh and you are right - you are grieving, and that takes time to carry around with you a little easier.

It's a huge change.

Keep music or an audiobook on in the background to help avoid rumination.

If you have the time, getting a dog might help. Not a puppy but an older rescue.

Catch up on sleep.

Good luck! There are many upsides.

This was me at 42 after leaving my husband and I’m soon to be 44. I also coparent 2 DC and am still renting.

It absolutely gets easier but the first couple of months are hard and it’s completely normal to feel the way you do.

Counselling may help, I really struggled with a sense of guilt that I had left the relationship (even though it had been awful for some time), the loss of routine, with small things like preparing dinner and eating on my own felt terrible…. But now I actually really enjoy cooking dinner for myself with some music on singing in the kitchen.

Remember some of this is your brains basic instincts to seek routine and comfort … it does pass.

Try and get some structure to your weeks and if you can then do small things to your rented place to make it feel like yours.

Look after your sleep and nutrition too.

Have you had friends round for drinks and food? I'd happily visit a friend new to living alone and help her throw an old school sleepover with shitty telly, cocktails and pizzas in the hope of filling her new home with some nice fun memories.

I was in your exact situation 2 years ago when I was 42!
So a message from future you 😀
Follow the good advice above, from previous posters, and I would add-
Have noise on as much as you want. I am addicted to podcasts but in the first 6 months, music was my absolute saviour. Sia was my artist of choice, but see who speaks to you.
As said before, find something to keep you busy such as a diy project. I am still in rented housing so diy not been so much possible but paint by numbers has been amazing for evenings when the kids are in bed. I loved my garden in the summer too.
I have 2 rescue dogs who have been amazing therapy. I am also really lucky that the only rented house I could find that would take the dogs is by the sea. Seeing the sea every morning and the birds doing their thing reminds me that life does and will go on.
I was lucky enough to have a therapist client who is willing to do a skill swap, so sessions with her every 3 weeks or so was essential in the early days.
If you have single parent friends in your circle, invite them round for a coffee or meet for a walk. Seeing people in a similar situation smashing it is positive for your view on your own life.
Oh and at 42 (for me) I realised I was perimenopausal and HRT and cutting out caffeine was crucial.

Suddenly, eventually, you will realise that you are actually enjoying having your own space.
Good luck, you will be OK

Please don't think this is flippant, but try some audiobooks. They fill the silence and distract you, I find them useful while I potter and they stop me focusing on things that are upsetting me.

Another echo from future! 3 years ago (almost the day) I separated from my H. Similar time line. I’d lived on my own for 18 months before we moved in together but with my parents round the corner, I never felt like I’d ‘adulted’ alone.
It was difficult at first. I found it difficult to get to sleep, worried about every noise. I just..got used to it. I kept busy when DD was with her Dad. I did find it helpful that I have a dog (who stayed with me) so I literally had a reason to get up in the morning and go somewhere. DD asked me once if I got lonely without her and I said ‘Yes but I talk to the dog!’. She thought that was hilarious 😂 but having something to get up for helped. Music on. I cleaned and tidied a lot. I’ve upcycled a fair bit of furniture!
Now I’m quite happy living with DD, Ddog. I do have another half now but we don’t live together and won’t for some time. It would be a big upheaval for either of us plus DC and I will not rush it. But I enjoy his company. He makes me feel loved and happy. I look back and realise I’d become a shell of myself in a miserable marriage. Now I’m working my way back to a happier version of me. I also got promoted into a better job 🙂
It DOES get easier. There will be ups and downs. Lean on the people you trust. You’ll look back in a couple of years and be so proud of yourself!

I'm in a similar position, alone after 24 years with my STBXH.

Security wise I set my house alarm every night, I also have a ring doorbell and cameras on the outside of the house. It gives me peace of mind and hopefully puts off any would be prowlers.

Initially during my child free time I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt a bit untethered and out of sorts. I started small, structured my time, planning walks, gym visits, self care sessions to fill my day. Also started doing all the annoying small DIY things that needed fixed that the ex never got round to. Nothing screams strong independent woman than re-felting the roof of a shed by yourself.

Slowly but surely I got used to having me time and now I actively look forward to my child free time.

I don't have a lot of friends and those that I do have are in long marriages and I'm the first to separate with the intention to divorce, so no one is really available to potter around with.

I've got comfortable with my own company, it just takes time to adjust. Be kind to yourself.

I've lived alone (just with DD) since leaving home / Uni.
Solve physical problems first so security, get a motion light and CCTV at your door.

Start doing new things just for you that perhaps you wouldn't do if your children were home / living with your H, - a dance workout or yoga.

• Use music around the house or listen to podcasts, comedies or even the Archers to have other adults wittering in the background, I like an Alexa as the sound quality is better than through my phone (on sale at JL at the moment).
• Take up a comforting habit like crochet (I learnt from the Attic24 blog) and listen to Audio books whilst doing it
• Get a new, calming routine and get upto bed earlier than normal, warm drink and read a book
• Get a new routine rowdier than normal and get out to the cinema, theatre, exercise class with friends or alone.

When ever DD stays with her dad I always hotfoot it to M&S and get some nice treats food. Go for a walk along our local beach, pub for a hot chocolate then relaxing shower, book and fancy treats. Or I make plans with friends and go out or go out alone to the theatre or cinema if there's something on. Want to see

Get a cat! There is a lot going for the 'crazy cat lady' stereotype they truly do make a massive difference, the perfect mix of independent / needy, great companion and lap warmers

OP - this was me 3 years ago. Same length marriage, 2kids, suddenly separated from them loads. It's really, really hard. Totally understandable to find it weird.

There are great suggestions on here about making sure firstly you feel safe and secure and forging relationships with neighbours etc.

I find still when I'm alone I have a tendency to procrastinate and sit around wondering what on earth I'm doing all alone. Having a plan with timings helps. E.g. if I get home from work at 7 I'll give myself an hour for dinner and a quick tidy up. Then phone a friend or family member if possible for a quick chat. Then any jobs I want to do that evening (school/life admin etc). Bath by 9:30 and then read a book or listen to the radio for a bit in bed before bedtime.

Can be anything you want but having a list can help pass the time.

If telly feels awful but silence is cringey too, listening to the radio or podcasts can help.

I try to enjoy a lie in or just longer getting ready and doing my hair in the morning when I don't have to do the school run.

I guess it's about creating new routines and trying to find small pleasures in them.

It will get better.

You write a list of all the things (achievable, not like going into space, naked, wearing just a rocket on your back!) that you've fancied having a go at and then having a go!

Go to the pub on your own with a book, magazine and a big smile.

Look at volunteering things. My local council has a page just for volunteering from gardening to being a steward in a local heritage site or crafting for people in nursing homes.

Do you want to learn something new? Or try journaling or grow herbs on your kitchen windowsill.

Buy new bed linen, pamper yourself and then starfish, naked, in your bed.

This is the start of your beginning, not a beginning of an end!

Lay a big jigsaw out on a table, knowing no one is going to complain / take a piece / knock it off.

Is it feasible to get a cat or dog? You're never alone (even in the bath!) with a pet to stare at you :)

A cat would definetly fuck with your jigsaw.