How to live alone at 42 after 18 years of marriage!

[mom2daisypie]

Hi all,

Im really hoping for some words of wisdom here. A bit of background. I met my husband when I was 23. Id lived with my parents until we bought our first house. We married 15 years ago. 2 months ago I knew, after a couple of unhappy years, that I was no longer in love and wanted to seperate. It was very tough but I now rent my own home and co parent our children (12 and 10). Its very early days I know (Ive only had my keys for 4 weeks) but Ive had terrible anxiety and panic attacks about being alone. I dread the days and nights when my children arent here. I cant sit and watch TV as we always did that as a family and I find it triggers my anxiety and panic.

I try to have a candlelit bath to relax but I just cant.

Can anyone who became newly single in middle age please give me some encouragement and advice please? Im scared to be alone with my own thoughts and I go down a rabbit hole of reminiscing, grieving a lost future etc. Although the split was my decision in the end, Im still deeply hurt and grieving the loss of companionship.

School is a good idea actually. I was never very involved at the primary school...too busy I guess but my youngest will join my eldest DD in Sept at the High School so maybe that would be a good time to get involved somehow. I'm naturally a bit antisocial, my husband and I were best friends so only did things together. We used to joke that being hermits suited us fine but I guess it was a mistake!

I love living semi-rurally on my own. Plenty of lovely spaces to walk the dog, small community so I worry less about my safety, lots of farm-shops and cafes - I've found if I want to treat myself, going out for breakfast to a farm shop cafe is less intimidating than going out for dinner alone (but feels just as, if not more indulgent) nd I invariably end up talking to people. Large towns and cities can feel quite isolating on your own. Plus I'm a short drive from a small town if I need shops etc. I wouldn't swap it for a large town or city easily.

School is a good idea actually. I was never very involved at the primary school...too busy I guess but my youngest will join my eldest DD in Sept at the High School so maybe that would be a good time to get involved somehow. I'm naturally a bit antisocial, my husband and I were best friends so only did things together. We used to joke that being hermits suited us fine but I guess it was a mistake!

By September you might be ready to look into what is going on at your DDs’ new school. You can be a bit antisocial and still have good friends and acquaintances. I’m happy meeting friends 1-1 or in small groups rather than having a big social circle full of outgoing types. I made a new set of friends after my marriage. Before then it was ex and my joint friends. I didn’t have my own. And when I left I realised that I didn’t particularly enjoy their company. Either that or they didn’t want to ‘take sides’ and we drifted apart. I’ve got some wonderful friends and am very grateful. You have plenty of time to meet like-minded spirits.

Hello OP. Just to say I've been here too. I'm 4 years on now. Some days I still struggle, but you will find a way. The list you made about the annoying habits of your ExH should be made in your phone so you can refer back to it when you feel low.

I think moving to a new place is definitely a good thing. If you want to lie in bed/hibernate etc just do it. You are grieving, but it will get better. I used propanolol too and it was helpful.

I think you do need to get back into the swing of working though, to get you out the house and into a routine. Can you go to the shop and start production again to build up some stock. If you meet another shopkeeper tell them what's happened/that you feel a bit broken etc. you don't need to go into a lot of detail. I'd ask them to pass on the news to the others so you don't need to keep repeating it. Take the propanolol that day before you head to the shop. I found the kindness of strangers quite overwhelming but it restores your faith in human nature,

I'd also get into treating yourself - book a long massage, go to the cinema on the days your girls are away. Also I changed my diet and got healthy and into eating home cooked foods. Lost weight and had more energy - the power of good food is amazing.

I've got really into podcasts and these are helpful in the night. Desert Island Discs, Young Again, health podcasts. Dish with Angela Hartnett and Grimmy. Changes with Annie Mac, even Griefcast resonated at times.

Be kind to yourself. You've done the right thing. X

This is such a beautiful and uplifting thread. Thank you to all those who have shared. You've answered the OP and your stories have inspired others. It has turned around my sadness into hope. Thank you.

Also look at the number of posts on here about 'd'hs not "helping" (ie just pulling their weight). I firmly believe this is a choice they make - they can do high powered jobs, but can't load a dishwasher or supervise DC activity.

My home needs minimal effort to look pristine now I don't have DH and his messy habits around.

So, 8 days on from my original post I thought I'd give an update.

In a nutshell I'm doing better overall and have been very proactive in getting things in place to occupy my time when I don't have DC with me. I'm still crying daily but not for as long.

I've got a 9 week old Shihtzu puppy! He's only been here a few days but he's already a little bundle of joy. Looking after him definately gives me a reason to get out of bed. I was gutted when I saw that his birthday is the day before my exes (14th Nov) as I was worried that it might always trigger some sadness in me but hopefully by November I might not bat an eyelid.

I've booked onto a zoom class tomorrow aimed at boosting confidence.
I've booked my first puppy training session for Saturday.
I'm going to the cinema on Monday to see Nosferatu (not alone but with 2 friends - I wasn't brave enough to go alone!)
I'm going to a Sound Bath session on 27th Jan (New Moon) with a friend
I've booked 3 Reiki sessions over the next 3 weeks.
(yes I hit Eventbrite pretty hard!)

I also have my 2nd counselling session on 20th Jan and think I'll feel much stronger compared to the first one.

I can't face journalling (worried about how upset it might make me) but have made a list of all of the benefits of this separation and have read it a few times.

I'm feeling quite proud of myself but must admit that there are moments each day that I feel incredibly sad that I'm even having to make an effort to fill my time because I'm now alone. I try to ignore those thoughts though but today I sat in a chair and stared into space ruminating for about an hour.

I still haven't reopened my little shop but I'm moving closer to doing it.

My big fear is being alone forever. Never falling in love again or being loved but I need to ignore that as much as possible I think and focus on my DC and the puppy for now. I know people who have found love and got engaged within 12 months (although that's not for me) so I guess anything is possible once I'm feeling stronger.

The support, kind words and inspiration I've had from this thread has been so important, I'm never leaving here! Thank you all.

Blimey you'll be exhausted! Well done OP. You can do this. You'll surprise yourself, it's early days. X

The first little while is hard! Let that be ok... it'll soon change, and you'll love the time on your own!

@mom2daisypie I'm glad things are looking brighter. You really can build on what you have achieved and keep the momentum going. It was inspiring to read your last post and I'm sure it will bring comfort to others reading it. Instead of thinking about not falling in love again or being alone, try to imagine the possibilities and opportunities that are in front of you. They will be there when you are ready if that's what you choose.

What an update OP. I’m glad you’re proud of yourself because you flipping well should be. It’s wonderful that you have your new puppy. What a brilliant focus as well as companionship through the good and the hard and sad times. It’s understandable to not get through a day without tears. It will get easier but while it’s painful, it might help to know that it’s normal and completely ok to feel sad, scared etc. it’s a good idea to try distract yourself when you find your thoughts turning to worry about being alone forever. You are at a vulnerable time in your life and it’s so natural to go into your most feared scenario mode. I’ve friends and neighbours who swore they never, ever wanted a partner again, who are now happily with someone they love and are content with. And as I said, my 87 year old neighbour who declared my 82 year old father was the love of her life. For now your plan on concentrating on your DC, looking at getting back into your business creating new opportunities for your leisure time, and your lovely new puppy, sounds an excellent plan . Keep going OP. Down days, down hours and down moments are normal and you are doing so well.

Well done OP! As you know, I identify so strongly with you. You are doing so well.

That’s amazing strides in a week or so! Well done.

Thanks all. I'm determined to be ok.

I find the mornings are just awful, and today is no exception. I wake up and start ruminating over it all until I feel so anxious and upset that I don't want to get out of bed. Maybe if I forced myself to get back to work, open my shop and face the world then it might put a stop to that cycle? I just worry I'll still have all of the awful thoughts and worries but in public!

You need connection and just go outside in nature at some point today if you can. That will definitely help x

A morning walk? I find walking very calming and quite often you see the same faces after you have done it for a while and people start being friendly. If you have your dog with you, that’s even more of a conversation starter!

It does get easier, so do be patient with yourself. In fact, I would allow 2 years before the stress that you have left is truly behind you. I have been divorced 7 years now (after 23 years marriage) and don’t realistically expect to repartner. I have developed hobbies and interests - creative writing (very good if you can’t journal because you explore emotions through your characters!), weightlifting, and cooking. I enjoy my life now.

Another tip - on public holidays or times when everyone is with their families and you are alone, have a standardised plan ready. My plan is that I order Thai take away, sub onto a live-streaming service with shows I want to watch for a month, have some new books ready to read, buy fresh flowers to put in a room or two and so on. It really works and I feel pampered and not sad.

I had similar in my mid 30s OP, like yourself it was my decision. Although it was what I wanted, I found it really hard for the first few months, I couldn't get used to having the whole house to myself, for years me and DH had avoided being in the same areas so I was used to only having a few rooms to myself (that sounds horrific when I write it!). I slept downstairs for ages in the new house until I got used to it. I also found it really hard on the nights I didn't have my kids. Unfortunately I threw myself into a bad relationship as an avoidance strategy. I wouldn't recommend that obviously. 7 years later I absolutely adore it and can't imagine living with someone again. Its a hard few months but i see it as one of life's luxuries now.

I also wanted to add that I always remind myself of a Charles Bukowski quote, I can't remember it exactly but the gist of it is that freedom is the other side of loneliness. Once you get used to this new phase it can be joyful and life-affirming.

I think you have mentioned before but could you go to your shop but not open up. See how it feels. Just remember that it's still early days and it's completely natural to feel this way.

@mom2daisypie unless there is some structure to your day, it's inevitable that you will be left with your own thoughts. You need some routine and to get back to work.

Why don't you go back to the shop on Monday 20th? Give it a clean for a few hours. Wean yourself back in there. Start going 3 days a week. A phased return.

I wouldn't survive without my pets. Marriage (20+yrs) ended recently, not my choice, and very complex reasons, children are older teens and very caring to me but busy. I have a job, friends, the pets so can distract myself.

But mornings, so silent, no shared cuddling. I miss just chatting, tea together. Evenings. I have TV as a distraction to fill the room but I'm quite anxious the whole time. I could call friends but I want to chat with him. It's a particular kind of friendship I miss.

I am trying to fill my time positively keep busy etc. my DH is/ was my best friend and we were very bonded.

Good luck OP, your puppy will be a joy for you.

Sorry to hear you're going through this too. My husband was my best friend for 18 years. The separation was messy, he was devastated and now only communicates with me by email and in relation to childcare only. I miss the companionship, cups of tea in the morning, TV in the evening together, all that stuff but I try not to 'rose tint' the past. Theres a reason I was unhappy in the marriage and had been for years. We were more like brother and sister and over the course of 10 years I just got used to it and assumed it was my life forever. When I turned 40 I started wondering if I actually deserved more. He's a good man and great with the children but I haven't been in love with him for many years. I also felt I was holding him back from the potential for real love by staying.

I'm hoping I get to that point of acceptance and comfort soon.

yeah this is a good idea. I think I will. The others shops are closed here on Mondays so it's a good time for me to get back into the place without worrying about being disturbed all the time.
I'm pretty sure I'll feel sad as I'll be thinking oh the last time I was here things were "normal" and stuff like that but I guess the more often I go the less that will be a thing.

God this adjustment phase is brutal.

How are you OP?

Facing similar emotions. Husband 27 years cheated on me. I've filed for divorce. Have two small childrne. I hate him but love him still
Im anxious in the mornings, cry all thr time and evenings are awful despite being busy with children.