It's never a good idea to approach the OW? is it?

[Helpagirlout222]

DH has recently left, and has been having an affair. We are communicating regularly and reasonably amicably in terms of children related issues. He holds the upper hand in terms of being more financially secure; I don't want to piss him off as I think he could turn nasty.
At the beginning I wasn't giving OW too much thought, but now I'm so angry. I know I'm angry with him, but I'm also furious with her. She knew he was married and had kids. I know he'll have fed her a pile of shit about me. My kids are so upset about the whole thing, and I'm just feeling like I don't get my voice heard. I just want to tell her what she's done.

I know it's a bad bad idea to go anywhere near her...please talk me down!

this is all on your DH

Hard disagree. He didn't have an affair with himself. The OW is also despicable, just with an added dose of pathetic imo.

I disagree. This woman is a menace, she knew he was a married man. In my eyes she is scum. But I wouldnt approach her.

I don’t think you’ll get anything from confronting her; whatever you’re hoping for it won’t do it.

@Viviennemary

Agreed

She already knows what she’s done op, she just doesn’t care. Or rather, she doesn’t care enough to stop acting like a complete cunt. There’s nothing you could say to her that would make you feel better or improve your situation… but you could make it worse.

This. She knew. She is complicit.

Karma will get her, OP. If you don’t have the patience for that, make sure that anything you say or send is something you wouldn’t be ashamed of your friends / colleagues / neighbours / family seeing.

I sent a very short, to the point message to the OW (who was a mutual ‘friend’) and I’m glad I did it.

I just want to tell her what she's done.

But she knows. She just doesn’t care. I’ve contacted the ow and I’ll always regret doing so.

She's ending up with a cheater who can do that to his wife and kids...what a prize!

He is your concern, shame he made shitty choices in conducting himself and finding a lowlife to take him despite his clear lack of commitment and honesty.

No doubt ow is a scumbag but she really isn’t worth your time. She didn’t consider you or your children at all so please, don’t waste your mental energy on her. She really isn’t worth it. Make you and your dc your focus. Literally put you and your dc in your minds eye and keep you all there. You are the most important things now. She is frankly irrelevant.

Thank you all, mixed responses are interesting! She is much much younger than him and I really just want to tell her to grow the fuck up but I know it won't achieve anything! Fairly stomach churning, an old married man, but she obviously doesn't see it that way.
I know he'll have painted me as the baddy, I also think he'll have told her it was over blah blah whereas in actual fact it absolutely wasn't. She's been lied to almost as much as I have!
But yes, she knew his situation or at least his version of it, and still went ahead.

@UneasyMe what did you say?

I hate the OW owes OP nothing brigade. Human to human we owe it to each other not to be like destroying arseholes. Ow don’t get off guilt free because it’s all the man’s fault. I haven’t made a pledge not to go after another woman’s husband and father of her children but I don’t do it because I’m not a dick. You can be angry as ex dh and ow.

I wouldn’t give ow the satisfaction you care about her at all though. She’s caught herself a cheating scumbag. Don’t be jealous of that.

My own experience is that my H left after finally admitting an affair. All I had left to me was my dignity, and I knew I wanted to look back and think, I didn’t do anything wrong, I have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s served me well, and I have no regrets. You will get through this.

Re the mixed messages - yep, there seems to have been a shift recently to apportioning at least some of the blame to the OW (where she knew of the relationship/marriage). I’m glad. We need to stop letting these sisterhood-rejecting horrors off the hook

Just leave her to have her much older man.
The fact she chose to have a relationship with a married man says it all.

Don't waste your breath on her or him.
Concentrate on you and your children.

Hopefully you've got a good support system.

The OW might not be involved with the OP or owe her anything, but she’s still seriously lacking some morals. While the husband is the one that schemed and cheated, if the OW did know about the wife but still shagged the husband she’s a pretty low piece of work.

OP it’s not worth contacting her. Neither of them are worth worrying about. Just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through this. My ex cheated on me and the OW used to ring up and put the phone down when I answered (landline). I think she was awful. She ended up marrying my ex. I actually think they suit each other - both with no scruples or dignity. A few years later I met somebody worth ten of them. And I couldn’t get upset about my past anymore. Sometimes having had someone dreadful means that you really appreciate the good ones that come after them!

He’ll have fed her a load of lies too.

Op

my heart goes out to you - what a life shattering thing to happen

the best revenge you can have on those two scumbags is to be very happy and successful or at least appear to be whenever you have the chance

do whatever you need to do that you can secure yourself financial as best as you can

she will always wonder if he is cheating on her - they are utter scumbags - I don’t know how they can live with themselves

good luck with the future

Don’t care how young she is. Even at 18, I wouldn’t have fallen for some married man’s shite and I knew enough to not do anything ever that would hurt someone else’s children. She really, really isn’t worth your time or head space.

Don't. When I accidentally messaged my now ex H OW she sent a very spiteful message back. Not nice.

Don’t do it! She’s a nasty bitch and will hopefully get what she deserves. The key is don’t do anything that could give him any sort of excuse to paint you as a psycho or use against you regarding the kids.

it must be soooo hard but don’t give either of them the satisfaction.

If you message her, you’ll just look like the unhinged, bitter ex he’s told her you are.

And that’s the end of you being ‘reasonably amicable’ with him, if you think this is what you need to get what you want out of the divorce.