It's never a good idea to approach the OW? is it?

[Helpagirlout222]

DH has recently left, and has been having an affair. We are communicating regularly and reasonably amicably in terms of children related issues. He holds the upper hand in terms of being more financially secure; I don't want to piss him off as I think he could turn nasty.
At the beginning I wasn't giving OW too much thought, but now I'm so angry. I know I'm angry with him, but I'm also furious with her. She knew he was married and had kids. I know he'll have fed her a pile of shit about me. My kids are so upset about the whole thing, and I'm just feeling like I don't get my voice heard. I just want to tell her what she's done.

I know it's a bad bad idea to go anywhere near her...please talk me down!

At the end of the day, the OP isn’t going to find happiness in someone else’s unhappiness. Because they sure as shit aren’t thinking about her. They are getting on with taking what they want to be happy.

The longer they live rent free in your head the longer it takes you to move on. Waiting for the karma bus to catch up with them is just wasting your life and emotional reserves.

Negative feelings, anger, resentment, hurt and bitterness can overwhelm you. They are strong emotions and they are unhealthy emotions to sustain for any length of time. They are hard to contain. People don’t like to be around angry people any more than they like to be around cheaters. Probably more so.

I never said it would be easy but what I am saying is that the going behind someone's back is unnecessary. What is particularly unfair is that it allows the cheat to move on whilst denying the cheated the same opportunity. The cheated on often end up in limbo for years, first in a shit relationship that is a facade and then taking years to learn to trust people again.

Someone always peddles this baloney. Usually to self justify their own behaviour.

The so many people they know who are marvellous stories of success from grubby foundations.

No. You know a handful in comparison to the ones that fail miserably.

Much like I know some people who are left handed. But let's not try and act like that's the exception not the rule.

Can I just point out that I never mentioned karma?! It's not actually something I believe in, I'm long in the tooth enough to see that people get away with being arseholes all the time!

I absolutely won't approach her...although I know I'll struggle when I do finally come face-to-face with her.

As someone mentioned, he's had the opportunity to move on and I've been hit with a bolt out of the blue.

I'd really just like to tell her that no, the marriage wasn't over and no, I didn't know what was going on. Also point out that her behaviour has devastated two young kids.

But I won't. And I know she wouldn't care anyway!!

You might feel as though he has moved on but with that big age group it probably won’t last. She may feel it’s exciting at the moment but she’ll get bored. Keep on being amazing! Your time will come.

Try not to be intimidated by this woman, let her have this deceitful middle aged man and his insecurities. Can you imagine living with a partner 20 or so years younger than you? Isn’t one of the benefits of getting older, being more mature and experienced and having shared experiences of life events etc to draw on?
Maybe people who are struggling to come to terms with getting older seek out younger partners to convince themselves they are still young, attractive, desirable etc
Surely it’s a constant effort. He will be the one having to keep on his toes. You on the other hand, don’t have to keep up with anyone other than yourself. If and when you feel like it you can find a new person to share your life with that can offer you as much as you offer them and you don’t have to wait for them to grow through the stages of life that you have already grown through. I hope you can soon look forward to a better quality of life, hard right now but it could be the best part of your life, you never know. 😊

Thank you both of you! I've been upsetting myself thinking how rough i must look compared to someone 20 years younger! But I know it's not a fair comparison!

And it is not your problem but she will look blank at most of his cultural references. This will eventually irritate them both.

Please do not give these pathetic arseholes the time of day.

Secure the documents you need, cry, scream, drink, talk to your closest, do anything you need to do - but do not contact her. You will only feel worse and give her the disillusioned satisfaction of you being the 'crazy' wife.

Steel yourself. The way you win now is living your best life, and when he realises what he's lost and the shag wasn't actually worth it. You'll be so over it.

I am so so sorry you are going through this. X

Thank you! I will re read this thread when I'm feeling down.
It's so strange just continuing on the same life but with a part of the family missing.

The same way people peddle the "karma, what comes goes around comes around" bullshit?

This is what I have found. He has happily got new life etc while I am just doing the old one without him in it.

I can’t say i know many affair relationships either way - whether they last or fail miserably

you know lots to have come to this conclusion @LePetitMaman

before he left… surely it wasn’t great between two of you and he’d checked out? or at least seemed very preoccupied and shady?

Don’t demean yourself OP. Be angry at your husband. Keep your dignity.

Except it's not "bullshit". Are you hard of reading?

Two lowlifes with little morals rarely make a new successful relationship. Hardly breaking news.

Most of the time they stay faking their relationship because they know the devastation their affair caused, and they'd look like total fucking pricks to have done that for a relationship that turns out to be a joke.

The odd few stay together. And most of them fall into the above.

Tell us you've had an affair without telling us...

huh?

Never had an affair

Why so hostile? 😆 Chill out a bit.

Ohhhh...I see.

Ignore. I think they are working through some tricky feelings.

So you know or have known a lot of affair couples?

I think i know of 2

im still curious about what sounds like the dozens of affair relationships that @LePetitMaman seems to have been aware of and know how they evolved!

@MyGladBiscuit You never know what goes on behind closed doors. I know a couple who met through an affair, decades ago. To the outside world they look happy and loved up. A success story!
But I know her really well. I know how he belittles her and puts her down, how he’s work shy and lazy, how deeply unhappy she is. But she won’t leave because the affair caused so much devastation to so many people and if she leaves that was all for “nothing”.
Statistically, such relationships are far more likely to fail. Some will some won’t. That’s life.

What @LePetitMaman said about faking the new relationship is what I see happening (or maybe I just want it to happen!) - they've both thrown so much away to enter into this relationship, I'm sure they'll stick with it even when it's clearly not right. As they'd be admitting they were wrong otherwise.

but @LePetitMaman seemed to be referring to multiple affair relationships that she’s seen evolve in to failure