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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

It's never a good idea to approach the OW? is it?

217 replies

Helpagirlout222 · 13/12/2024 20:48

DH has recently left, and has been having an affair. We are communicating regularly and reasonably amicably in terms of children related issues. He holds the upper hand in terms of being more financially secure; I don't want to piss him off as I think he could turn nasty.
At the beginning I wasn't giving OW too much thought, but now I'm so angry. I know I'm angry with him, but I'm also furious with her. She knew he was married and had kids. I know he'll have fed her a pile of shit about me. My kids are so upset about the whole thing, and I'm just feeling like I don't get my voice heard. I just want to tell her what she's done.

I know it's a bad bad idea to go anywhere near her...please talk me down!

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 14/12/2024 16:17

Relax in the sure knowledge that he'll leave her as he found her. ie: He'll cheat on her too given half a chance.

She'll know this and will live in suspicion and doubt.
Unless.. Is he punching well above his weight with this younger woman? 🤔

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 14/12/2024 16:43

WELL above his weight! Altho I struggle to see her as a catch as she's obviously devoid of brains or morals. But she's young, pretty and won't be "nagging" him (yet) as evil haggard old me did

OP posts:
LePetitMaman · 14/12/2024 17:25

Helpagirlout222 · 14/12/2024 16:43

WELL above his weight! Altho I struggle to see her as a catch as she's obviously devoid of brains or morals. But she's young, pretty and won't be "nagging" him (yet) as evil haggard old me did

The way to view it, is that she's a twat of a woman who carries on with lying married men.

Why on earth would you want to lower yourself to engage with such a twat?

Ew. Don't go near it. Don't look directly at it. You're worth 1000 times more, and everyone will know this.

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 14/12/2024 18:20

It's an exercise in patience right enough! I can't imagine where we'll all be 6/12 months down the line.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 14/12/2024 18:20

LePetitMaman · 14/12/2024 17:25

The way to view it, is that she's a twat of a woman who carries on with lying married men.

Why on earth would you want to lower yourself to engage with such a twat?

Ew. Don't go near it. Don't look directly at it. You're worth 1000 times more, and everyone will know this.

Show quote history

Love this, thank you!!

OP posts:
sunflowersngunpowdr · 14/12/2024 20:11

Wait until the divorce is over and you have rinsed him for as much as you can get. Then confront her - if you can be bothered by that point.

ShinyShona · 14/12/2024 20:30

I think the key thing to remember is that it doesn’t really matter if he is the problem or the OW is. Either way, the problem has transferred to their relationship.

My first husband did this to me. Whilst I was able to move on and found a partner who found cheating abhorrent, my ex-husband got cheated on by the OW. The lack of morals had transferred to the new relationship and I guess it was only a matter of time before one of them ruined the relationship because neither saw relationships as sacred in the way we do in the first place.

Even if they stay together, they will never be able to trust each other the way we can with our partners.

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 14/12/2024 20:42

It's heartening to hear so many of you have been able to move on...is it not hard to trust someone new?

OP posts:
CandiedPrincess · 14/12/2024 20:49

I think people would move on a lot quicker if they just forgot about the concept of "karma" because it doesn't exist. Don't sit around waiting for "karma" to get them back, because it very rarely does, and like you're own experience OP, it's quite common that couples who started as affairs stay together. Best thing you can do is put your head up and high and give them little thought. The best revenge is a life well-lived.

Guest100 · 15/12/2024 02:58

OoohChristmastreeee · 14/12/2024 09:41

Karma doesn’t exist. It’s made up bullshit people say to make themselves feel better.

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Some people behave terribly and nothing happens. But occasionally there are natural consequences to shit behaviour, and sometimes people hand out consequences. So I think karma does exist to some extent.

Guest100 · 15/12/2024 03:22

You just need to remember she will be the one picking up his dirty underwear and washing it. You will move on and have an amazing life. You don’t need to approach her. The life she has chosen will come back to bite her. Women hate the OW. We feel the rage on behalf of others deeply when it comes to affairs. She won’t get out of this without consequences. Your exs friends wives will hate her. Your kids will probably hate her. Her friends will lose respect for her, and probably not want her around their partners. Lots of comments on here about being the OW and nothing happened, but they were absolutely talked about. There were people who crossed the road to avoid them. Party invites they or their kids didn’t get. Women are petty and don’t forget. There is a mum at school who had an affair with a married man, fucked up a family. now she has been left with two kids and he has moved on to another unfortunate woman. That poor woman is a victim of a man that needs to be shot. But none of us offer any support, we just stand around and talk shit about her. Unfortunately men don’t have the same consequences. No one cares. But if a woman breaks up a marriage she will have a red A tattooed to your forehead in many eyes.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 15/12/2024 09:18

Yeah I don't think people care that much though.

LostittoBostik · 15/12/2024 09:21

MayaPinion · 13/12/2024 21:15

He’ll have fed her a load of lies too.

I think this is the important thing to remember, especially if she is much younger.

He's the complete arsehole here. He's screwing you both, in very different ways.

But I agree with those who say keep your dignity.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/12/2024 09:23

Write it all on a (large) piece of paper. Read it out to yourself several times.

Then set fire to it.

Good luck, OP, life will get better in the future.

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 15/12/2024 09:32

I sincerely hope you are all right! Seems a long way off now but I know we'll get there.

In terms of the OW I am pretty sure she is too young and silly to have any feelings of remorse, she thinks she's in love! And all of the sneaking about, no one else approves etc just adds to the excitement for them at the moment I'm sure. Nothing more romantic than you and me against the world!
But I am getting satisfaction at the thought of him trying to get along with her friends for example.
For every person that accepts them as a couple I reckon there will be ten people who just think he's an old creep!

OP posts:
researchers3 · 15/12/2024 11:44

Op what is the age gap out of interest? Just roughly. Is it literally a generation?

Weyohweyoh · 15/12/2024 11:55

Even if they do stay together, she’ll be the one wiping his saggy arse one day when she’s still in her prime and wondering how the hell she got there. It’s more likely she’ll eventually ditch him for someone her own age and he’ll be a sad lonely old git. Either of those scenarios would make me smile.

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 15/12/2024 15:02

@Weyohweyoh me too!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 15/12/2024 15:16

researchers3 · 15/12/2024 11:44

Op what is the age gap out of interest? Just roughly. Is it literally a generation?

Yes, he could be her father! His friends have daughters her age, so that makes me wonder what they think of him

OP posts:
LePetitMaman · 15/12/2024 15:20

Guest100 · 15/12/2024 02:58

Some people behave terribly and nothing happens. But occasionally there are natural consequences to shit behaviour, and sometimes people hand out consequences. So I think karma does exist to some extent.

Show quote history

Yeah it definitely does, helped hugely by circumstance.

You've got two people already proven to ok be immoral and treat marriage like it's nothing. Of course it's more likely to go to shit than not. Look at the calibre of the people involved.

And I feel real pity for the people in denial that "no one really cared or treated me differently."

You have no idea how many people talked about you. As PP states: avoided you, wouldn't let your children round etc etc. Being so self centred and so self absorbed that you don't even notice is a big part of why you spread your legs with no thought for anyone but yourself with a dirty cheating married man in the first place.

We've got one at school like this. People smile at her because they have manners, but she's left well alone. Struts about, but you can see deep down it's all a defence mechanism.

Atinybird · 15/12/2024 18:58

I’m sorry you have been treated so unfairly. Being betrayed by someone you love is extremely painful and takes time to come to terms with. Don’t ever blame yourself for his choices. Don’t let this humiliate you or turn you into a victim. He’s the one that should be embarrassed but he probably isn’t because he’s convinced himself he’s entitled to do what he wants. This man obviously doesn’t have strong values or the strength of character to be a trustworthy and loyal partner. If he did he would have been able to work at his marriage. I imagine she is not the first ego massage he has had.
You have wasted enough of your life on him so take comfort in that you now know how weak and deceitful he is and let someone else have the misfortune of living with him. He is not going to suddenly develop a strong character and respect for women.
As for the other woman, it’s understandable that you would have so much to say to her but I agree with others, she will have no empathy for you, so you must not give her the satisfaction of making you feel worse. When you get the opportunity, make sure your ex sees you at your best and get out there and meet new people. Thats what will make you feel better. He will hear about your new life, that will be enough for him to mull over and wonder if he did the right thing. Believe in yourself and put all your thoughts and efforts into your new life. x

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 15/12/2024 21:01

Thank you @Atinybird these are lovely words.

I'm absolutely dreading running into her or them...wish it could be when I'm feeling fabulous but can guarantee it won't be.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 15/12/2024 21:19

The OW didn't hold a gun to your husband's head and force him into an affair - he made a conscious choice. Equally, no one forced the OW into an affair with a married man, with children - she made a conscious choice too. Both are to blame. I'm sure your husband has told the OW a load of old bollocks. She has probably fallen for the oldest lines in the book. However, she is perfectly aware that your husband is married and has children, so therefore must be aware of the upset the affair has caused. I'm sure she's justified it all in her own mind, based on the rubbish your husband has fed her. Karma will eventually turn and bite her on the arse. The old saying 'when a married man leaves his wife for his mistress, it leaves a vacancy' springs to mind. If he can leave you and his children, then he'll have no issues leaving her further down the line. Honestly, there's very little point in confronting the OW. You won't achieve anything, other than upsetting yourself.

ShinyShona · 15/12/2024 22:45

CandiedPrincess · 14/12/2024 20:49

I think people would move on a lot quicker if they just forgot about the concept of "karma" because it doesn't exist. Don't sit around waiting for "karma" to get them back, because it very rarely does, and like you're own experience OP, it's quite common that couples who started as affairs stay together. Best thing you can do is put your head up and high and give them little thought. The best revenge is a life well-lived.

Karma doesn't exist, no, but character does. Those who engage in affairs don't necessarily break up families (because to have an affair, the relationship is normally over anyway) but the behaviour does tend to demonstrate a lack of patience and a selfishness that doesn't sit well with committed relationships. Thus people with that kind of impulsive behaviour do tend to end up unhappy in the end, either because the impulse to be with someone new isn't as good as they thought it would be or because they cannot trust one another.

Atinybird · 15/12/2024 22:51

Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. Practice how you will deal with different scenarios so that you don’t feel like you have let yourself down when the time comes. They are bound to feel embarrassed when they have to face you, so you can enjoy their discomfort and not let the situation intimidate you. Push yourself to move forward and meet new people, however hard it feels. There are lots of adventures to be had and people who will value you for who you are if you let them.x