It's never a good idea to approach the OW? is it?

[Helpagirlout222]

DH has recently left, and has been having an affair. We are communicating regularly and reasonably amicably in terms of children related issues. He holds the upper hand in terms of being more financially secure; I don't want to piss him off as I think he could turn nasty.
At the beginning I wasn't giving OW too much thought, but now I'm so angry. I know I'm angry with him, but I'm also furious with her. She knew he was married and had kids. I know he'll have fed her a pile of shit about me. My kids are so upset about the whole thing, and I'm just feeling like I don't get my voice heard. I just want to tell her what she's done.

I know it's a bad bad idea to go anywhere near her...please talk me down!

Keep your distance. Seeming indifference is the best course of action and packs the biggest punch. Better to avoid her at all costs so you are not to be tempted into confronting her. Confronting her will not help you. Nothing you can say to her will undo anything their affair has done to you. And I’m sorry to say- and repeat this to yourself- she simply does not care even a little bit for you or how you feel. Telling her will not suddenly make her care or feel bad. At best she’ll pity you. Which is way, way worse.

The OW has shown a complete lack of respect for you and your children and I understand why you would want to say your piece to her, however how will you feel if she doesn't reply or she replies with a very cruel, hurtful message. Or your stbexh flips his lid at you.

Or would you prefer to leave a dignified silence between you and the OW. Pretend she doesn't exist. Don't acknowledge her, don't utter her name, don't rise to it.

Whatever choice you make, make sure you're happy with whatever the outcome is ❤️

Your contract is with your DH, not the OW. As hard as it is, direct your anger at him. He was the the one with the supposedly emotional & moral obligation to you. Personally, my dignity would stop
me from ever contacting an OW.

Agreed

But sadly, the kind of woman who has an affair with a married man won't care a jot for what you had to say anyway...so you'd end up feeling worse.

All this will do is reaffirm the bullshit he's likely told her about you. Paint you as the emotionally unstable woman who neglected her husband blah blah blah 🙄

It also won't make you feel any better either. Focus on moving forwards, not back.

I know it’s hard but you will appear more powerful if you ignore her. Don’t give her the satisfaction. You will be okay and I wish you well.

You're all right, thank you. I can only begin to imagine what he's told her about me, and I don't want to give her any grounds to think it's true.
It riles me that she's getting away with it, but I will just need to deal with that.
Any advice on getting past that?

Any time he brings her up i make it very clear I have no interest.
I worry about the kids having to deal with her.

Stop and think for a minute..... You want her to know what she has done, but there's a v good chance she knows and is loving every minute. Having you sit across from her while she tells you every detail will just reinforce the feeling she's won and make you feel even more shit.
If he's lied to her, oh well she can lie in the bed she made, but if she's fallen for the usual routine of 'we are only together for the kids blah De blah' she can't allow herself to believe what you say and she tell you he was right you are unhinged.
You can't win here OP, leave it alone

She won't get away with it. Karma will bite her in the arse. It might not be this month or this year but it'll happen.

Every time he mentioned her just say, hmmm that's nice.

This just isn’t true, sorry. This is what all your friends will tell you in the aftermath of the split, but the truth is there is no such thing as karma.

It’s possible they’ll remain happy ever after and live in bliss. I know of more than one couple who has.

Don’t waste any of your life waiting for karma to bite them; head up and move on.

She will grow up.

And she will regret him.

I'm so sorry, OP 🙏
I would say that she got what she deserves: a cheater, who's morally at the same level as her.
You are above them, don't get to their level.

I tend to agree unfortunately..
The men i know of who have cheated are still with that person.

My friends are saying to me oh it won't last, but I reckon it probably will!

My poor kids, they know he has a girlfriend but don't know her age.

FWIW I've had a friend who recently had an affair with a married man with kids and she herself was in an extremely vulnerable place when she met him and none of us think the relationship will last or is good for her but she's so wrapped up in it because of where she was when she met him. She's a nice person normally but my sense is that the guy is not, and manipulates the situation to both women. I feel very sorry for his wife. The OW often gets swept along with it and the whole thing is a shit show on both sides.

Reframe it: Ultimately all she's 'won' is a manipulative liar who has no integrity and probably she has no self esteem to get herself in that situation in the first place...

I've been on your side and it's infuriating, but often we should feel sorry for them although it's hard not to hate them.

Hi , I am really sorry that you are having to go through this . It is truly shit and your emotions will continue to be all over the place .

As others have said , it was your husband who made vows to you and made a family with you . It was also him who has been unfaithful and put his own needs above you and your kids . Your anger needs to be directed at him and not her . She did not owe you anything . She may simply not care about your circumstances or he fed her lies . Possibly a combination of the two .

I wrote a message to the OW on my phone notes and didn't send it . It did help as I got some of my anger out that way .

I think you also do feed into the narrative of bitter and twisted as your H may have already painted you in any event . If you contact her directly .

I think it is all so raw when you find out, so you just have to do your best and look at getting through this day by day . Try and be as " dignified " as you can . I did not always succeed in this , but I tried my best and accepted I was human and going through a really difficult time .

Childish I know but it did really help me to put my ex in my phone under an abbreviation for an unflattering name and I also gave the OW an unflattering name when I mentioned her in any messages between me and my ex .

I did get some counselling at the start and it helped to talk through it with them and family and friends .

I think it is difficult to let go of the anger even further down the line . There will be further bumps along the way , but you just have to get through these and be kind to yourself .

Know how you feel but I'm glad I made zero contact. Why give the scumbag any of my time or attention? There is something fundamentally wrong in the make up of any man or woman who can have an ongoing affair with a person with a view to replacing their spouse - especially if there is a family with kids involved. Letting them know that you are upset by giving them a piece of your mind will make them feel empowered and/or validated (Guaranteed that they will have anti-social or histrionic traits, or low-self esteem so whatever their issue they'll be pleased).
Also, another reason not to contact them is that people generally find mysteries unsettling, so your silence will give you a measure of power over them.

Oh believe me, every woman I've met at the playground gates or elsewhere who has explained they were the other woman has really struggled to make friends. These things are huge red flags to everyone, no matter the apparent circumstances. If an adult can't see why they shouldn't be doing that with anyone in a relationship people recognise they can't be trusted.

Use your anger for good .

use it to get every penny you and your children are entitled too.

He wasn’t worth having anyway .

play the long game

Oh, and it's highly, highly unlikely to last. I know you will hear of relationships that start in this way that that last - but data shows that they rarely do. Throw in age disparity and the fact that he has a fully formed family of dependent children - and you can pretty much guarantee it'll all go pear-shaped at some point.

For now wrote it all down and put it away .
Once the divorce is complete you can say what you what to both of them .
Why shouldn’t you . !

For now though bide your time

The other thing that holds me back is the kids...if I anger him it could affect them and that's the last thing I want.

He really thinks he can keep the same relationship with them he's always had, while dating someone closer to their age than his. I have not said anything against him to them and don't plan to - I want to be able to hold my head high. Their feelings towards him have definitely changed.

There is no good outcome to this conversation. She is not going to say 'im sorry I have been part of a terrible wrong'. If you succeed in a (completely understandable) mission to make her feel bad , this will rebound on your divorce negotiations. Keep rising above it all.

Silence is your friend right now op.

Get your divorce sorted and if you still want to say something then then you have that option.

Totally get your desire to want to do this.
Wait it out for now.

She knows what she's done and she doesn't care. Please don't waste your breath. Keep your dignity and play the long game. She has got herself involved with a cheater - she will never really be able to trust him knowing he's already cheated on his wife and mother of his children. She's onto a loser there! You, meanwhile, are now free of him 😊 concentrate on making a good life for yourself and your lovely children.