It's never a good idea to approach the OW? is it?

[Helpagirlout222]

DH has recently left, and has been having an affair. We are communicating regularly and reasonably amicably in terms of children related issues. He holds the upper hand in terms of being more financially secure; I don't want to piss him off as I think he could turn nasty.
At the beginning I wasn't giving OW too much thought, but now I'm so angry. I know I'm angry with him, but I'm also furious with her. She knew he was married and had kids. I know he'll have fed her a pile of shit about me. My kids are so upset about the whole thing, and I'm just feeling like I don't get my voice heard. I just want to tell her what she's done.

I know it's a bad bad idea to go anywhere near her...please talk me down!

I also think he'll have told her it was over blah blah whereas in actual fact it absolutely wasn't. She's been lied to almost as much as I have!

Exactly

So .....no, don't get mad at her.

Hes the absolute tool here

Keep calm and retain your dignity

PS - their relationship won't last

You can’t say their relationship won’t last. You don’t have a single clue how they will get on. Lots of affairs last.

He certainly seems to think it will! And short to medium term he's probably right, as they're all swept up in the excitement of it. Long term, who knows.

Sorry - PPs are absolutely right.

I should have been more specific

PS - Imo the relationship won't last

My apologies 🥰

^^ This.

It happened to me too OP. I composed many a text to the OW. I didn't send any. She wouldn't have cared and it would have made me look even more pathetic than I already did (I was broken).

These days I say hello to her if I see her when I pick our child up from their house. She always looks shifty and awkward. I'm proud of myself for retaining my dignity despite what they did to me.

Not in my experience at all. I know many couples, 20 years later happy and together - the majority married longer than the first relationship. There are a million reasons people have affairs - every situation is unique. It’s not always because people are impulsive and reckless and sex starved.

why apologise? who wants to be told “don’t be silly” like Angela Rippon fhs

empirically, statistically, this new relationship will not, cannot last - particularly
if the OW is much younger then it’s highly likely a 3 legged stool situation exists

I'm not in the same position op but a friend was in an almost identical one. She was bloody epic. The much younger woman was very aggressive and clearly came into every meeting expected my friend to be nuts/bitter/abusive as that's what the ex had told her.

My friends was devastated by the affair but quickly managed to cultivate a quiet confidence and patronising smile whenever they saw each other. She practiced some calm put downs but focussed on her ex not the ap.

'honestly it's nice not picking up after him anymore'

'tell (ex) that he left his snoring medication at my house, can I give it to you or does he want to pick it up?'

'Oh ex, don't forget it's MILs birthday next week, you'll obviously have to sort a card out.'

Etc etc adjust as needed. Phrased as helpful but carefully illustrating how useless ex was and how reasonable a partner she is.

Friend said that she saw almost in real time the scales falling from ap eyes as weeks went by. They didn't last 6 months.

Shes doing amazing now. Single and loving it.

OP, as wise posters have advised, leave the OW to it, keep your dignity
and to some extent, keep them guessing.

Its baffling that any woman would want a man prepared to leave his family
but young single self centered childless women used to being competitive
with other women do not yet understand this most basic character flaw.

Your friend is a queen 👑 ❤️

many couples? this is anecdotal, when statistics show second marriages are most likely to end, or run their course, ending in divorce within a shorter period, for numerous reasons : unrealistic expectations, hostility from children, family, friends, colleagues, workmates, neighbours even, new babies in the mix, financial strain, regret.
There are a million reasons people have affairs but every situation is unique ?

That’s ok then, affairs now de rigueur, think of a ‘reason’ and go for it !!!

It takes a strong character to swim against the tide, especially with a different
or controversial unpopular viewpoint,
Of course it is easier to dismantle or destroy than build.

daft?

put the wooden spoon away, why be deliberately provocative
and upset the OP

Same. And the couple were not ostracised in the slightest either, despite the rabid proclamations that no woman at the school gate will talk to the OW on this thread.

Best just to move on and be dignified. There is no certainly of karma coming like in the movies and chick lit.

The OW didn't say the marriage vows with OP's DH. It's DH's fault all day long.

But they are impatient for what they want. Most people who are done with a relationship have the class to end it before moving on.

Exactly ! what happened to decency, morality, self denial

Agree. But neither is a great option is it? There was a thread on here a few weeks ago and the OP’s husband left because he had feelings for someone else. He ended one relationship before starting another which is what everyone says should happen - but then OP couldn’t understand how he could leave for someone he’d never been intimate with. in her eyes it didn’t make it easier or better that he left before starting a relationship, it made it worse.