It's never a good idea to approach the OW? is it?

[Helpagirlout222]

DH has recently left, and has been having an affair. We are communicating regularly and reasonably amicably in terms of children related issues. He holds the upper hand in terms of being more financially secure; I don't want to piss him off as I think he could turn nasty.
At the beginning I wasn't giving OW too much thought, but now I'm so angry. I know I'm angry with him, but I'm also furious with her. She knew he was married and had kids. I know he'll have fed her a pile of shit about me. My kids are so upset about the whole thing, and I'm just feeling like I don't get my voice heard. I just want to tell her what she's done.

I know it's a bad bad idea to go anywhere near her...please talk me down!

Many many years ago my husband had an affair with my best friend. The double betrayal made me so hurt and angry. I went round and told her what I thought of her and slapped her face . Then I walked away and got on with my life . I don’t think it made me feel much better but it would have festered if I hadn’t said my piece. I did also tell ExDH what I thought of him.

@BusyGoldBee OP said she's closer to the kids ages and is much much younger than him.

How many children do you have OP? I was in a similar position and chose not to contact the OW, which I’m now pleased about.

Its not easy, but the anger does subside

20 years +
I can see why she's appealing to him but can't see why he's appealing to her!
I've seen their messages so i know she was well aware he was sneaking around. I can't remember being her age tbh, but being honest I probably wouldn't have thought much about an "almost" ex wife (that's how he framed it to her). Or maybe I would have, I don't know. Now of course I see it completely differently but I wonder how much of that comes with maturity.

Ii too don’t agree with abdicating women who have affairs and not apportioning some responsibility to them as well.

My advice though is don’t do or say a word to her, believe me i know how much you want to make her feel your pain and rage, devastation and hurt for your children. It’ll feed the narrative of my crazy , unstable ex wife and add to the justification.

She thinks she’s the “winner”, she’s better that you, newer model, he chose her and not you. Off with her. She’s no winner at all. She has a man with no integrity, no loyalty and no morals. When you start a relationship under those conditions can you ever truly trust the other person?

Always maintain your dignity, you’ll be so delighted with yourself down the line. Even when you want to punch them both in the face, keep your cool.

She won’t be getting away with it. People won’t think well of her, it’ll affect some of her other relationships and who’d want to be with someone who’s a proven liar and cheat?

I know someone who’s been the OW, due to who she chose it’s totally disrupted her life, ruined relationships etc. All she’s really got is him now, and recent superficial friendships. All deserved of course and not a great prize imo.

I'd just feel sorry for her. He has treated you like shit, who's to say he won't do it to her. She will always be looking over her shoulder.

There is no shift. The focus has always been disproportionately aimed at the OW

Karma doesn’t exist. It’s made up bullshit people say to make themselves feel better.

You are right. At a young age she's likely genuinely believed everything he said. People are incorrect in thinking no reasonable person would believe the lies they are fed. Just look around. Fully grown adults fall for scams and lies and abusers ALL THE TIME. Why wouldn't a 20 ish year old believe a seemingly lovely man who says his marriage is over, his dw is a nightmare and the only reason he hasn't already left is because of the kids.

Even just that line "I can see why she's appealing to him" 🤢 what a gross turd.

It’s entirely human to want to get some form of “justice” for hurt and harm. Everyone’s minds springs there but life experience suggests these types of confrontations never work out the way they do in your mind. It just leads to escalation and can become risky.

For every person who does nothing about having their face slapped there is one who will report that as assault. There are people who will report you speaking your mind as harassment and abuse. There are people who will respond in kind and become aggressive physically and emotionally. Think of yourself and think of your children. They don’t need to be in that type of melodrama.

There is definitely benefit in knowing facts when making decisions. But knowing the “truth” in these situations becomes impossible. Plus a lot of people die happy not knowing the “truth”. Remember also that the truth in these situations is fungible. It becomes what suits someone’s need for validation and optics.

You know what he has done. You know what his true feelings and lack there of are for you That’s all you need to know to take control of your life.

I honestly have no idea what kind of parallel universe some people on this thread live in. Most people are fllawed, life is messy and extramarital affairs are extremely common. So are many other bad things that people do to one another in the context of relationships. One of the people who you think found me disgusting within a few weeks was her normal self with me and in the aftermath of the affair and moreso me leaving my husband (not for the AP), my friendships if anything grew stronger and my friends were there for me. Yes, I was briefly the OW, but I am also the same person I always was who does loafs of volunteering, is a great neighbour, a great friend and a good mother. I was in a bad marriage and fell in love with someone also in a bad marriage. This does not make a monster and the vast majority of people may not think this is a good thing, but very few would use it as reason to despise me either openly or privately. In Irekand of today, where I live, we are wary of the kind of judgemental black and white overly moralistic thinking that got us into so much trouble and caused such pain in the past.

That's it exactly! He's even tried saying the same kind of stuff to me, I know he's re framing it all in his head to justify it.

I think the best policy in this situation is elegance and being pleasant if your paths cross with her… in the unlikely event that his new relationship lasts the course, you may have to have contact with her because of the DC, and if nothing else her crossing paths with the ‘crazy ex’ who is clearly ‘not crazy’ but will likely help her realise herself that she has been an idiot and has also been fed a pack of nonsense by your ex. The best revenge is for your life being happy, successful and all the better from not having him!

There is nothing attractive about a bloke who can lie to his wife and children. The woman’s self esteem is so poor that’s all she feels she’s worth. No point talking to her.

He’ll cheat on her too, in time. As painful as it is now, she’s got your trash.

I have a bit of a different perspective. Not the OW!

I was a PA in my early 20s working for CEO property developer. I watched many a young woman believe the crap they spouted. Some were ridiculously romantic and others didn't care.

I really struggled to be civil to be honest. My father walked out clearing my college fund to fund his second wife. The destruction an affair does spreads, to friendship groups, colleagues and just your impression of an individual.

I have no issue with people who leave marriages, but with dignity and respect for the individuals involved.

I don't see any advantage to having a conversation but if it's something you feel you need then you go ahead.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, I always feel it isn't the relationship broken that leaves the long lasting hurt but the fear you never really knew a person that you trusted and loved.

Wishing you happiness.

Don’t do it OP. Will probably make you feel worse. Silence is golden….just make sure you take him for every penny you can! Men hate that. They think their money is theirs so don’t agree to anything without legal advice.

I would gracefully turn away, it won't make you feel better to contact and don't give them your attention, she will think she's won the prize but I doubt she will long term.

He's definitely not a prize! And that's one of the things I'd like to tell her (but won't!). I can see him actually repeating behaviours from when we first got together, and yes it works on young silly girls, which i was at the time too I'm sure!

It will take years, but in time she’ll realise how silly she was to get sucked in by his lines. You explaining it to her now will just make you look bitter and jealous and she won’t get it. Her coming to the realisation herself, along with experiencing the booby prize she’s bagged herself - that will be far more profound.

You will be OK - she might not be. She might be depriving herself of the chance to have kids, for example. My father got together with someone my age. Deprived her of the chance to have kids (whilst pretending he would have them). She’s now a bitter vindictive cow (too old to have kids) and he’s still the selfish liar he always was. I have nothing to do with either of them.

Keep out of it OP, remember the best revenge is living well.

Agree very much with the living as well as you can - until you can you will have to fake it a bit, but eventually the pain will subside. Use the pain as anger to push you to better things; be the best version of you for your kids. They'll remember it. Take all the photos of special events for them you can, spend all the time with them you can. Keep building yourself and refinding who you want to be now you don't have to pander to him. Being busy is exhausting but for a while you will need distraction from the crazy details. Eat well (don't fall into the trap of punishing yourself or you'll become ill and everything will feel 100x worse) and eventually things will feel a bit more normal.

I've had first hand experience of exes' exes telling me they should have realised what they did to me would come around to them. Not an apology, nor would I want one, but a reminder that it does very often play out. Personally I feel if the person doesn't think they did anything wrong and can just up and continue as if nothing happened, they haven't reflected or learnt what their weak points are and are doomed to repeat it with someone else. Having had one of the new gf's actually tut and shout at me in a Court setting, it was weirdly satisfying to have her email me to explain he had huge drug and alcohol issues and so many MH issues he never got help for. I feel slightly bad for her these days; she had me as a red flag and she wilfully ignored it and even participated in hurting me and insulting me in public. I didn't have anything to warn me. You weren't to know OP, but you do now. He did this, she likely thinks she is saving him (because that is what she has been told). Just pity her for the wasted years ahead.

Chances are the younger woman will wake up and run a mile when she realises she’s got together with someone old enough to be her dad, and she’s the evil hated stepmom who destroyed their lives.

You need to keep your cards close to your chest, and not do anything yet. Let it peak, and nose dive.

Right now you need to save your own skin, and extract as much out of him financially as you possibly can. After you’ve got what you are owed, you can make his and her life difficult.