It's never a good idea to approach the OW? is it?

[Helpagirlout222]

DH has recently left, and has been having an affair. We are communicating regularly and reasonably amicably in terms of children related issues. He holds the upper hand in terms of being more financially secure; I don't want to piss him off as I think he could turn nasty.
At the beginning I wasn't giving OW too much thought, but now I'm so angry. I know I'm angry with him, but I'm also furious with her. She knew he was married and had kids. I know he'll have fed her a pile of shit about me. My kids are so upset about the whole thing, and I'm just feeling like I don't get my voice heard. I just want to tell her what she's done.

I know it's a bad bad idea to go anywhere near her...please talk me down!

Thank you for talking me down!

I’m in your shoes OP and I feel such rage against exH and OW.
I’m furious at exH for having an affair and choosing to wreck our family, but I’m also furious at the OW for pursuing him when she knew he was married.
It turns out she already has one affair with another married man under her belt so she’s got form. She’s also much younger than me and DH… but he is naive and she knew exactly how to play him! He’s fallen for having his ego stroked and mistaken lust for love.

She blocked me on Social Media when I found out who she was so I’ve not been able to message her but I’m quite glad as, as others have said, he’s probably fed her a load of rubbish about how our marriage was dead etc (he had been sleeping with us both for months… I had to get STI tested!) and what a boring old cow I was…

So I just call her a nasty nickname whenever I talk to ex about her which I know is childish but I also know she reads his phone so she knows what I call her.

I like to think that they are both moraless, lying cheats and they will never trust each other.
I think ex will try hard to make it work as he’s given up a lot and needs to save face. He won’t be happy deep down though. I know him too well. He will work hard to try and keep the relationship alive but she will eventually realise what a boring tight arse he is.

How can you trust a man you stole from another woman?
And how can he ever trust a woman who willingly partook in breaking a family apart and splitting up a marriage. My child will always know the reason dad left was for this woman and yours will too.

Ex has already introduced her and her daughter to him.

Tbh op I'm not saying never do it and I don't necessarily believe in the old 'be the bigger person' trope. But right now it seems like you could have more to lose than gain by doing this.

Bide your time...

But if any 'wronged' woman did this they'd get no judgement from me.

Take care OP.

Don't go near ow.

She is a silly cow for getting involved. Of course she is.

But she will never believe what you say, tell you the truth etc. because she is a sucker who believes everything your h has told her.

Just like you used to believe him but you're no longer believing his bs.

So you work this situation to your long term advantage and make sure you progress so you're never treated so badly again.

I'm in this situation and I haven't contacted her, althoughbeen very tempted.. She didn't care enough about you while starting the affair so won't care now. It's very very hard.

Well I was briefly the other woman and apart from one or two acquaintances, one of whom was close friends with my affairs partners wife, it really didn't effect my friendships or people in the communities attitude towards me. At least not so as I noticed. Anyone expecting revenge or karma that way might be waiting. The reality is that most people are busy getting on with their lives or don't care or think 'life is complicated, who knows what went on?' Scarlet letter type fantasies are just that.

Just from that post I can tell you are a true delight and I'm sure everyone is lucky to have you in their lives.

Sometimes for a whole host of complex reasons they are a victim too. Nuance people.

So only "one or two" people openly thought you were disgusting. And however many kept their feelings private. And you consider that a win.

Dear me.

Unless the ow themselves owes you something (ie they are a friend or relative) what difference does it make who they are? Your dh chose to have an affair- it it wasn't with her it could have been someone else. He is responsible for his actions not you.

People can't be stolen nor was he taken advantage of. The sad thing is that he chose to behave as he did. The ow is a stranger to you. She didn't tempt him away or manipulate him. He is responsible for his own actions.

I have never (knowingly) been the OW. But I don't recognize this purported horror of adultery. I don't know anyone who takes a strong view on it. My dad had an affair- I don't at all blame the ow.

Not never, no. If you thought that the OW is unaware he's maried/in a committed relationship then I'd probably tell her. I'd also at least consider it if you were going to try to move past the affair and make the relationship work. And I think the situation is totally different when the OW is someone the wife/gf has a relationship of their own with; in those cases there is communication to be done about that relationship.

But if the goal is just to vent your feelings at her? Don't do it. t's not about what she does or doesn't deserve IMO, it's because she's extremely unlikely to give you a response that makes you feel any better and you can't undo it if you regret metaphorically getting down in the mud. Sharing vulnerable feelings (including hurt and anger) with someone and having them shrug them off or tell you to fuck off tends to feel absolutely awful. My best advice is to do the same as I'd recommend someone do if they were struggling with resentments towards a shitty ex - write it all down, burn it, and repeat as necessary. Stick up a picture on the wall and scream your feelings when you're alone in the room. Pour it out to a counselor or trusted friend. The person(s) who hurt you with complete disregard for your feelings and dignity is not going to help heal that hurt, no matter what words or effort you put into convincing them they're the villian.

Reframe this OP - it’s what I did
I see my exes ow as a great refuse collector. Not only did she take the bag of trash from my house, she lived with it, saving me a fortune and letting me move on to meet my amazing dh. I think she is still nursing that trash now, and has a miserable life doing so .

The average Mumsnetter doesn’t like holding women responsible for any kind of wrongdoing. When there is an affair it’s always the man’s fault. Even if it’s a lesbian affair they will forensically search for a man in the lives of one of the perpetrators to blame them 😂

So don’t expect to get any advice that agrees that the OW is to blame. Even though odds on they probably met on a cheating website these days.

See I wouldn't be able to help myself either OP and I'd have to very politely and calmly tell her what I thought of her as well and then wish her luck

I would focus on getting the best divorce deal possible because with a younger woman, potentially more children to support now and for inheritance your children will need that financial security.

How old are they? Teens? Chances are if they are teens they will find the age gap repellent. Ours are incredibly scornful of even a few years difference. I would not stand in the way of them meeting but not condone his behaviour in any way to them.

@Helpagirlout222 @RosieLeaf

Very few people will live blissfully happy ever after. She's young, she'll wonder what the fuck she's done in 5, 10, 15 years. Affair partners can stay together but that doesn't mean they're happy. Karma, life, call it what you want, but their time will come.

I'm not saying to wait for it to happen, you need to move on but keep that delicious little thought in the back of your head until you don't care any more.

in my experience, the OW will get exactly the same as what’s happened to you. He will cheat on her and leave.

my ex’s OW came crying to me when he did the same to her as he did to me. I just ignored her. He’s onto his 3rd victim partner within a year of me leaving

so just sit back and wait for karma to work it’s magic

Just focus on moving on. Can you imagine being so pathetic that you wanted an older married man with kids? You need to send good thoughts her way, but definitely don’t approach her. You don’t have to co parent with her though. I think being the other woman you must respect that you won’t be invited to open presents with the kids and their dad Christmas morning.

Once you are divorced, the financial settlement is completed and you have sorted access, get a bag of old clothes for the charity bin to send with the kid. Get them to pass a message that you thought she might like some more of your hand me downs.

Once you are divorced, the financial settlement is completed and you have sorted access, get a bag of old clothes for the charity bin to send with the kid. Get them to pass a message that you thought she might like some more of your hand me downs.

Don’t do this, they’ll just have a good old laugh at how unhinged and bitter you are. They don’t care. People who’ve left their old partner and kids for someone new do it because they want to be the with the new person more than they care about hurting the other people. You won’t make them think twice, or feel bad. They’ve moved on. It’s best to do the same.

The advice to get the best settlement is good advice. If she’s younger, it’s likely more DC are coming.

The age gap sounds disgusting.
Hold your head up OP and be thankful you're not with such a perverted sleazy slug anymore. No way would I want to be with a man who saw younger women as someone to be with and have sex with.

It’s fine to fantasise about doing something to the other woman. The likelihood of still wanting revenge in a year or so is very slim. You absolutely have to get every penny you can.

Theres is nothing to win by trying to convince her who you really are, it only feeds into his narrative of you being ‘unhinged’ to contact her.

My ExDH new wife (no affair I left him as he was verbally abusive) admitted to my adult daughter that she’d always been nervous and afraid of me 🤣😂 if you knew me irl you know how ridiculous that is. It was only that one comment that made me remember when he’d told me his ex before me had once pushed him down the stairs and stepped over him at the bottom after an argument….took me 15 years to realise that was a lie, and it was to discredit her if I ever heard of her saying something about his abuse.

He was a dick to her, a dick to me and is now a dick to his new wife - none of us could have warned the other as we wouldn’t believe them.