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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

It's never a good idea to approach the OW? is it?

217 replies

Helpagirlout222 · 13/12/2024 20:48

DH has recently left, and has been having an affair. We are communicating regularly and reasonably amicably in terms of children related issues. He holds the upper hand in terms of being more financially secure; I don't want to piss him off as I think he could turn nasty.
At the beginning I wasn't giving OW too much thought, but now I'm so angry. I know I'm angry with him, but I'm also furious with her. She knew he was married and had kids. I know he'll have fed her a pile of shit about me. My kids are so upset about the whole thing, and I'm just feeling like I don't get my voice heard. I just want to tell her what she's done.

I know it's a bad bad idea to go anywhere near her...please talk me down!

OP posts:
MyGladBiscuit · 18/12/2024 07:53

Helpagirlout222 · 18/12/2024 07:51

What @LePetitMaman said about faking the new relationship is what I see happening (or maybe I just want it to happen!) - they've both thrown so much away to enter into this relationship, I'm sure they'll stick with it even when it's clearly not right. As they'd be admitting they were wrong otherwise.

but what has he thrown away? i hate to say it, but a marriage he wasn’t happy in. He presumably will still see his children very regularly?

CandiedPrincess · 18/12/2024 08:00

But that's exactly it. NOBODY knows that goes on behind closed doors. So for every affair couple that is apparently living in absolute misery they'll be another that is perfectly happy.

As OP has just said, that is what she wants to believe but quite honestly the only people who know anything is the couple in the relationship.

It's all a lot of Chinese whispers for the most part.

The point is - why sit around and wait for it all to fall apart or not - surely the best "revenge" is moving on and being happy despite them. The other way is just a path to bitterness and misery. Why give them that satisfaction?

Atinybird · 18/12/2024 08:32

You are right. He has definitely thrown away the life he had, all the pleasures of being part of a family but also whatever it was that he found a strain. He obviously didn’t value it enough, but often in life you really don’t realise what you’ve got til it’s gone and that’s for him to discover isn’t it. He will continue to see his children but their relationship will not be what it was. His pleasure is his priority, he has chosen to leave and this woman may well be his cowardly exit strategy, it won’t necessarily last but he will still have left. You are hurt and probably still in shock, that is a hard place to be, but keep trying to look towards your new life, get out in the world and meet new people, open up your horizons, for you and your children.x

Sharptonguedwoman · 18/12/2024 09:03

It's hard, isn't it? I found out my DP (now ExDP) was having an affair in October. OW apparently knew I existed but I suspect was told by DP that he felt responsible for me as I've had some health problems.

With some difficulty I have maintained absolute radio silence. I know the best revenge is to live your own life and be happy so I have tried to do that. I do not think well of her but know that you can't 'take' someone's DP, the DP has to want to go.

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 18/12/2024 19:39

Funnily enough I've had health issues too @Sharptonguedwoman , must be an awful hassle for them!

@Atinybird I agree with every word you're saying. I can't believe he's willing to chuck it all away, but even when /, if he does regret it, he's not going to admit that

OP posts:
LePetitMaman · 18/12/2024 20:23

MyGladBiscuit · 18/12/2024 07:52

but @LePetitMaman seemed to be referring to multiple affair relationships that she’s seen evolve in to failure

Show quote history

If that's all you can understand despite what is written (and easily understood by everyone else) then that's kind of a you problem

LePetitMaman · 18/12/2024 20:25

Helpagirlout222 · 18/12/2024 07:51

What @LePetitMaman said about faking the new relationship is what I see happening (or maybe I just want it to happen!) - they've both thrown so much away to enter into this relationship, I'm sure they'll stick with it even when it's clearly not right. As they'd be admitting they were wrong otherwise.

Yep.

Kind of like it's a tale as old as time.

Atinybird · 18/12/2024 20:39

Would you feel better if he were to admit that at some point? Would you take him back if he asked? You are vulnerable right now so maybe give some thought to this, because if it happens you want to be sure how you would react. What would life be like if he came back? If he was full of remorse, could you ever trust him again? Would you become resentful? We don’t have the insight that you have into your relationship, only you know the details. It’s easy for people to say what they would do if it happened to them, but emotions are not as clear cut when faced with a traumatic situation out of the blue.x

Loopylambs · 18/12/2024 21:01

One of my closest friends Husbands , went off with a much younger women . They got married and he would send nasty emails to my friend , saying he was so much happier with other women. karma took a long time , after six years he left OW for an even younger women. First OW is now alone and childless and watching the same thing happen to her. We are waiting to see what happens to second OW . You mention you wonder what OW thinks of you , and the lies he’s told about you . Don’t give this headspace , no one who matters cares. You will rebuild a better life and be thankful the trash took itself out .

3luckystars · 18/12/2024 21:22

It can takes months and months, and even years to end a marriage /long term relationship.

There was a poster recently raging with the ‘other woman’ meanwhile she had been separated and living apart from her husband for over a year. She still thought there was hope of them getting back together and was calling him ‘adulterous’ and I was honestly scratching my head at what more the man could do to end the relationship.

It’s all nice to think you would end a relationship before starting another, but you can’t do that overnight and sometimes one person still is hoping they will get back together and it’s messy.
Clearly not in this case but it’s not always black and white is all I’m saying.

I don’t judge anyone, but I think the advice here is correct to stay away from them both. All the best to you x x

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 18/12/2024 22:31

Oh I absolutely would not take him back! Never in a million years. I am just incredulous at him walking out on the kids like this. Men seem able to do this though!

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 18/12/2024 22:44

Helpagirlout222 · 18/12/2024 22:31

Oh I absolutely would not take him back! Never in a million years. I am just incredulous at him walking out on the kids like this. Men seem able to do this though!

They do! Our daughter is 30 so a fully fledged adult. No ExDP was worried he’d lose his relationship with her when he had to tell her he’d been cheating. A clean break, she’d have been ok with but having a cheater for a father? He has a lot of rebuilding to do. Hasn’t even got in touch with her about Christmas.

Atinybird · 18/12/2024 23:13

Good to hear you have no doubts about taking him back. I think I said before, his pleasure is his priority. We reep what we sow, it’s his loss leaving his children. Stay strong, your children have your love and commitment, that is what really matters. You will be strong together and share many more happy times. x

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 19/12/2024 07:50

Thank you, I know this deep down it's just hard to find some days

OP posts:
QuickOpalOrca · 19/12/2024 08:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Marblesbackagain · 19/12/2024 08:29

Helpagirlout222 · 19/12/2024 07:50

Thank you, I know this deep down it's just hard to find some days

Don't hold yourself to a standard that isn't obtainable. You are human, having a moment, an hour, a day where you feel any emotion healthy or unhealthy is only that moment, hour or day. It's not you.

Mind yourself, tough time of year.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 19/12/2024 14:05

Helpagirlout222 · 16/12/2024 22:39

Thank you both of you! I've been upsetting myself thinking how rough i must look compared to someone 20 years younger! But I know it's not a fair comparison!

Everyone gets their fair share of youth. You had your turn now she has hers... let's see what she does with it as so far her decisions aren't good. She's landed herself a middle aged man. If they stay together by the time she's 40 he'll be 60! I wonder how she will feel when she is working full time whilst he is enjoying his golden years. Then when she finally gets a chance to retire he'll be 80 and she'll be his carer. If she's unlucky he will cling on to life for another 15 years and she'll be in her 70s before she is free of him. Her whole life down the drain. And how is he going to cope with babies at his age? The shine of the new relationship will dull once he realises he has another 15/20 years of child rearing. You on the other hand are in a very nice position. Older kids. More freedom. I would genuinely be looking forward to this phase of life. It's a shame your husband turned out to be a rat but there are other men out there, better ones if that's what you want. And so much more: travel, career, hobbies, grandchildren, friends, lovers - freedom. I know it hurts but don't look back, look forward. X

LemonTT · 19/12/2024 14:44

Helpagirlout222 · 19/12/2024 07:50

Thank you, I know this deep down it's just hard to find some days

At the end of the day there are beautiful, intelligent, talented, charming people who go through a relationship break up and who get cheated on. It’s not a reflection on you.

You have value and you have a future. You also have the resilience and fortitude to get through this and build your own happiness. It won’t come from anyone else’s failure or downfall. Think about you not them.

It’s all speculation as to whether they will make each other happy. But you know he won’t make you happy. And one day you will be thinking only about you and not them. That happens sooner if you decide to make it happen.

ShyBlueDreamer · 19/12/2024 15:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 21/12/2024 11:24

I'm always curious what people say to get themselves deleted!
Thank you for all the lovely responses. Christmas is going to be hard but also hopefully nice as I will have time with the kids and without sounding petty I hope he's miserable that he's not going to have the same. Maybe this year he'll be too wrapped up to care but he's the one missing out, not me.

OP posts:
Nc546888 · 21/12/2024 11:25

It won’t bring you peace.

i briefly thought about OW but realised she has no morals or compassion so what’s the point in communicating with someone like that. She’s trash and I don’t talk to trash

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 21/12/2024 11:26

@sunflowersngunpowdr thank you, I am starting to feel the odd glimpse of getting excited for the future! Then I mainly get angry as I'm going to be so badly off. But there will be positives i know!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 21/12/2024 12:19

Nc546888 · 21/12/2024 11:25

It won’t bring you peace.

i briefly thought about OW but realised she has no morals or compassion so what’s the point in communicating with someone like that. She’s trash and I don’t talk to trash

Love it! You are so right !

OP posts:
Atinybird · 21/12/2024 13:32

Your Christmas, and your future is going to be different, but different doesn’t have to mean miserable does it? Go all out to have as much fun as you possibly can with the people who really matter to you. x

LittleRedYarny · 21/12/2024 17:57

Very similar advice to what @Nc546888 has said

Think about what outcome do you want from the message that you’d like to send? Are you likely to get it? And if not, which party is going to be left feeling miserable/sad/disapointed etc? If it’s not the other person don’t bother.

If you look at it from the principal of a zero sum game you’ll save yourself a bit of heartache/regret/embarrassment etc in the long run.

I’m not saying this isn’t all utterly shit but at times like these you need to be careful you don’t make decisions that are essentially emotional self injury. And so far you look like you’re doing fantastic @Helpagirlout222.

Would also recommend Helen Thorns book Get Divorced Be Happy to give you a boost.