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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

It's never a good idea to approach the OW? is it?

217 replies

Helpagirlout222 · 13/12/2024 20:48

DH has recently left, and has been having an affair. We are communicating regularly and reasonably amicably in terms of children related issues. He holds the upper hand in terms of being more financially secure; I don't want to piss him off as I think he could turn nasty.
At the beginning I wasn't giving OW too much thought, but now I'm so angry. I know I'm angry with him, but I'm also furious with her. She knew he was married and had kids. I know he'll have fed her a pile of shit about me. My kids are so upset about the whole thing, and I'm just feeling like I don't get my voice heard. I just want to tell her what she's done.

I know it's a bad bad idea to go anywhere near her...please talk me down!

OP posts:
TheBestBear · 22/12/2024 13:43

I wrote one. Actually I wrote a few variations. One that bragged and thanked her for bringing me and partner closer than ever before.

One that really was written to make her look pathetic, sad and unloved and how wonderful and kind I was so i could empathise with her flaws. And his.

One that thanked her as I now saw what a loser OH is.

Etc etc

I never sent them. Ultimately, I think because this kind of woman wouldn't even care so I didn't think it would achieve what I wanted (whatever that was).

Still, I've got them for if ever I can be bothered to send in future (I won't, I don't think).

Mildly cathartic to write i guess.

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 27/12/2024 20:49

It's so interesting how wildly feelings can fluctuate. When I started this post I was really having to stop myself from knocking on her door! Today I feel she's just irrelevant, trash, not worth my headspace
Tomorrow who knows!!
I appreciate your kind words so much

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/12/2024 22:12

It’s amazing how your feelings can change so dramatically from one day to the next. I totally understand x

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 27/12/2024 22:26

It's a bit disconcerting not feeling in control of them. But at least I know the really shit times don't last!

OP posts:
sunflowersngunpowdr · 27/12/2024 23:14

Helpagirlout222 · 21/12/2024 11:26

@sunflowersngunpowdr thank you, I am starting to feel the odd glimpse of getting excited for the future! Then I mainly get angry as I'm going to be so badly off. But there will be positives i know!

You don't know what's waiting for you around the corner. There's plenty of money in the world and if you want it you will find a way to get it. Keep looking forward, don't look back - you got this 👍🏽

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 10:39

Hi op
I've been left for a work colleague by an ex fiance of 9 years before. Last I heard is they're married with two kids now- luckily I didn't have my child with him.
I absolutely hated her, still do tbh, this was back in the days of Facebook and I had quite an open profile that 'friends of friends' could see a lot of my posts so she would have seen our whole relationship from teen sweethearts to planning our wedding and if made me feel sick she could poach him and beak my heart like that. But I never dignified her with any attention (despite them often showing up to things they'd know I'd be at).

No good will come of it. She knows what she's done and doesn't care. If you get an emotional spill to her then she'll use this as proof that you're 'crazy' and don't want the best for her lovely boyfriend. It's sickening but honestly the best revenge for both of them is to focus on yourself and making yourself as healthy and spoilt and beautiful as you can - use that hatred as energy for workouts! Spend the money you saved on not getting him a Xmas present on Botox! Get yourself a massage. Redirect any thoughts of them to 'how can I spoil myself today I deserve it' and 'what am I doing to get stronger mentally and physically'
Also get some counselling to process it all.
I promise you it gets so much better and focusing on yourself helps a lot. Xxx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 10:42

I remember when I found out about them via looking at his phone I said , 'HER... really?! Do you think she's pretty?' And he said yeah don't you think so? I said 'no honestly I think she looks like a pig' (I was genuinely surprised - he could objectively have 'got' someone much prettier)
That was an honest initial reaction but I'm glad in hindsight I said it, kept it classy ever since though

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 10:42

Op another idea is to write down everything you want to say to her in a note. Tell yourself if you still want to send it in a year you can do.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 10:44

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/12/2024 21:28

But sadly, the kind of woman who has an affair with a married man won't care a jot for what you had to say anyway...so you'd end up feeling worse.

I agree. Or even if she wants to be a 'nice girl' imagine if she writes back apologizing and saying they just couldn't help it they're just so in love etc and don't worry you'll find someone else one day, that will make it worse too!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 10:47

Gowlett · 13/12/2024 21:41

She will grow up.

And she will regret him.

Shell also be his carer when she's a young woman- glad you don't have to bother doing that for him op

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 10:50

Frazzled54 · 13/12/2024 23:13

I’m in your shoes OP and I feel such rage against exH and OW.
I’m furious at exH for having an affair and choosing to wreck our family, but I’m also furious at the OW for pursuing him when she knew he was married.
It turns out she already has one affair with another married man under her belt so she’s got form. She’s also much younger than me and DH… but he is naive and she knew exactly how to play him! He’s fallen for having his ego stroked and mistaken lust for love.

She blocked me on Social Media when I found out who she was so I’ve not been able to message her but I’m quite glad as, as others have said, he’s probably fed her a load of rubbish about how our marriage was dead etc (he had been sleeping with us both for months… I had to get STI tested!) and what a boring old cow I was…

So I just call her a nasty nickname whenever I talk to ex about her which I know is childish but I also know she reads his phone so she knows what I call her.

I like to think that they are both moraless, lying cheats and they will never trust each other.
I think ex will try hard to make it work as he’s given up a lot and needs to save face. He won’t be happy deep down though. I know him too well. He will work hard to try and keep the relationship alive but she will eventually realise what a boring tight arse he is.

How can you trust a man you stole from another woman?
And how can he ever trust a woman who willingly partook in breaking a family apart and splitting up a marriage. My child will always know the reason dad left was for this woman and yours will too.

Ex has already introduced her and her daughter to him.

What's the nasty nickname (looking for inspo not to judge!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 10:52

I think the 'they won't trust each other' is not entirely true as they will have such narcissistic levels of arrogance that they'll think they are different and special and the better ones.

As my therapist advised when you start obsessing over thinking about what they're thinking or doing, redirect your focus consciously back onto yourself and your own life and goals and wellbeing so that it becomes a habit

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 10:55

GravyBoatWars · 14/12/2024 00:09

Not never, no. If you thought that the OW is unaware he's maried/in a committed relationship then I'd probably tell her. I'd also at least consider it if you were going to try to move past the affair and make the relationship work. And I think the situation is totally different when the OW is someone the wife/gf has a relationship of their own with; in those cases there is communication to be done about that relationship.

But if the goal is just to vent your feelings at her? Don't do it. t's not about what she does or doesn't deserve IMO, it's because she's extremely unlikely to give you a response that makes you feel any better and you can't undo it if you regret metaphorically getting down in the mud. Sharing vulnerable feelings (including hurt and anger) with someone and having them shrug them off or tell you to fuck off tends to feel absolutely awful. My best advice is to do the same as I'd recommend someone do if they were struggling with resentments towards a shitty ex - write it all down, burn it, and repeat as necessary. Stick up a picture on the wall and scream your feelings when you're alone in the room. Pour it out to a counselor or trusted friend. The person(s) who hurt you with complete disregard for your feelings and dignity is not going to help heal that hurt, no matter what words or effort you put into convincing them they're the villian.

Edited

I agree with this speaking from experience of someone who poured my heart out to my babys father who left just before baby was born, his responses were so cold and callous and me blaming that it made me feel so much worse

Familycomplications · 28/12/2024 10:56

I think you need to work of the basis and get over this on the basis that they will not break up (they obviously could do) but my husband’s ex girlfriend (I wasn’t the other woman but we did meet before him and ex girlfriend split up) has got worse over the years because people kept telling her we wouldn’t last (I’m 15 years younger than my husband) and then we got engaged and again people kept saying to her oh but they won’t marry (my husband didn’t want to marry before he met me) and 1.5 years after getting engaged we got married, we also had a baby and have another on the way and we are genuinely happy. His ex gf has been relentless in a smear campaign to the point where we’ve got to a solicitor and said please just leave us alone. I firmly wholeheartedly believe though that this is because she was being told not to expect us to last and he would leave and I would get bored and he’ll never change…instead DH has stopped drinking (wasn’t a big drinker anyway but knows I don’t like it), married me, gave up hobbies to spend more time together (something she begged him to do) and has turned into a wonderful person to be married to. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. I hope you get over this soon and find someone who treats you so so well xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 10:57

Guest100 · 14/12/2024 07:59

It’s fine to fantasise about doing something to the other woman. The likelihood of still wanting revenge in a year or so is very slim. You absolutely have to get every penny you can.

I agree the finances are the real way to hurt her

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 11:01

FUBAR77 · 14/12/2024 08:14

Theres is nothing to win by trying to convince her who you really are, it only feeds into his narrative of you being ‘unhinged’ to contact her.

My ExDH new wife (no affair I left him as he was verbally abusive) admitted to my adult daughter that she’d always been nervous and afraid of me 🤣😂 if you knew me irl you know how ridiculous that is. It was only that one comment that made me remember when he’d told me his ex before me had once pushed him down the stairs and stepped over him at the bottom after an argument….took me 15 years to realise that was a lie, and it was to discredit her if I ever heard of her saying something about his abuse.

He was a dick to her, a dick to me and is now a dick to his new wife - none of us could have warned the other as we wouldn’t believe them.

Edited

My child's father did so similar - told me that his ex had been emotionally abusive to him. I felt so sorry for him when I met him and thought what a kind man trying to love and help someone that clearly had mental health issues.
Fast forward a year and a half and I'm pregnant and he's telling me I'm the crazy one who needs a therapist for being too emotional because I'm upset that he's punching holes in the wall of my flat!
I can only imagine how he's described me to his new girlfriend. He likes to email
Me telling me I'm obstructing contact to our child whereas I'm doing anything but. I'm sure he's done a father's for Justice sob story to her though.

Original poster
Helpagirlout222 · 28/12/2024 18:27

Sorry to hear so many of you have been at the receiving end of this type of behaviour. I'm definitely working on the assumption it'll last. And tbh I don't know what I would prefer as despite everything I want him to find a positive outcome somehow...don't relish the thought of him going through multiple new girlfriends!!

OP posts:
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