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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need to leave after what has just happened

206 replies

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 20:59

I posted a while back in ‘relationships’ under a different name. My (D)H and I have been having issues for a while.

we were at my family’s today. Our DS son had a melt down as he was overtired and overwhelmed and all of a sudden my H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed DS by his jumper so he was in the air and took him outside. My DS screamed for him to put him down and I instantly followed telling my H to let him go. He took him outside where he did calm down but he left a mark on his neck. Family didn’t see as they were in a different room, not that it’s excusable. He then tried to block me from going upstairs as he wanted to talk.

we are now home and DS is asleep. I’ve told him I’m packing a bag and leaving in the morning, but I’ve nowhere to go with 2 young children. He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him and he’s sorry, but it’s too little too late.

I genuinely don’t know what to do or where to start, but I can’t hang around in case it happens again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 21:01

Sorry forgot to say. DS is 5

OP posts:
BCBird · 26/12/2023 21:03

Ask your husband to go. Has he said why he reacted in this way? Has he ever done this before?

Original poster
Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 21:04

@BCBird he was fed up and wanted to go home. It’s just not excusable. Only once, last month, where he swore at DS and pinned him to the bed. That is what I posted about and should have left then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 21:06

He’s asked me for my help. To be around him and help him, but I have just lost all respect for him

OP posts:
OT2023 · 26/12/2023 21:08

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 21:06

He’s asked me for my help. To be around him and help him, but I have just lost all respect for him

Help him? To what un-cunt him?

Wishthiswasntmypost · 26/12/2023 21:09

To be honest I think you need to report this. When you separate (because that's the safe thing to do) he will have access unsupervised with those children. You need to get help from NSPCC or someone to try and ensure all access is supervised

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 26/12/2023 21:10

Tell the DH to leave. Then you can talk later and decide if there is any relationship (at a distance) to be had or whether you want to support him in making a change.

You think DH is a danger to DS and have evidence, you can threaten to call police or ss if he won't leave.

SavBlancTonight · 26/12/2023 21:18

Asking for.your "help" is just a sneaky way of making it your problem..."oh, its so hard and I feel.so bad what can you do to fix it?" Followed by, "if you do x I won't get that upset" etc.

He should leave. If he is genuinely sorry and wants to fix it, he would respect your need for him to go in the meantime.

ZebraD · 26/12/2023 21:20

He said he would never harm him but already has?! Don’t be guilt tripped or manipulated into thinking anything else. Dont pack your bags…pack his!

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 21:22

You need to tell him to leave. You stay put. And if he won't, you tell the police. Because this is escalating behaviour.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 26/12/2023 21:23

He can leave and go seek help himself. Tell him ds can decide when he feels safe enough to want to see him..

Loubelle70 · 26/12/2023 21:24

Manipulators do that... 'Please help me to do it right' bollocks... putting the onus on you.. tell him to fuck off...he must leave not you. Your DS is 5 with autism...wtf..poor lad must be frightened of his dad..pinning him to bed before? you are right to separate but he must leave not you.

Consideringachange2023 · 26/12/2023 21:26

If he truly knows he needs help and is willing and wanting to seek it then that’s something he must do. You can’t fix this and you can’t keep your children in an unsafe environment.

If he is genuine about change then ask him leave tomorrow so you can keep kids at home in a routine and immediately seek legal advice.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 26/12/2023 21:26

This is the second time he has been violent to a 5 year old child. You pack HIS bag and tell him if he doesn't go you will report him to the police.

SteadyEddi · 26/12/2023 21:28

Yep he needs to access help for himself. Better if he goes

elfintinsel · 26/12/2023 21:29

Phone the police to report him, get him to leave and be proud to be sticking up for your son. Your husband sounds quite dangerous. The behaviour will keep escalating otherwise.
Has he ever been violent towards you or is this something he only does to small children?

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/12/2023 21:34

If he is sorry he will leave .
Imfact say if he doesn’t you will report what he has done . Make it clear you chose your schedule and the relationship is over .
He doesn’t know how to parent or adult even. It appears the more challenging your Dd gets with age the more this is happening .
End this before you son is effected.

DollyDaydreamW · 26/12/2023 21:35

If a man picked an adult up by the sweater/neck, after having pinned them down earlier, you'd ring the police. A five year old can't do that. Be his parent and call the police now. You will need that report in future, to attempt to help your son when his dad inevitably gets 50/50 unsupervised contact awarded by the court.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/12/2023 21:37

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 21:04

@BCBird he was fed up and wanted to go home. It’s just not excusable. Only once, last month, where he swore at DS and pinned him to the bed. That is what I posted about and should have left then.

I bet your son is screaming for help inside .
Ypu need to protect him

BornIn78 · 26/12/2023 21:38

Report this incident and the previous one to the police. Make sure to take photos of the mark on your sons neck.

Tell your husband he needs to leave.

ladycarlotta · 26/12/2023 21:40

I know he had never done anything like this until recently, but it's actually escalating now. Nothing has changed since the first time he assaulted your five-year-old, in fact he seems emboldened. Don't wait around to see what he'll do next. Don't allow your son to continue to feel - and be - unsafe.

Over40Overdating · 26/12/2023 21:40

Well done for being clear about what you won’t accept around your son.

He needs to leave, not you. The plea for ‘help’ is nothing more than a ploy to make you culpable when he continues abusing your 5 year old. He’s already escalated to the point he was happy to do it despite being in a house full of your relatives.

The tears are for him not for what he’s done to your son or ending your marriage : only for the consequences he’s now experiencing. He’s also lying about never hurting your son. He already has, twice.

Wishthiswasntmypost · 26/12/2023 21:45

I think you should photograph your sons neck and contact the police.

NSPCC Telephone: 0808 800 5000. Ask for advice

Ansjovis · 26/12/2023 21:47

I think I remember your previous thread. You say you were with your family today, will they help you? I am still suffering the effects of childhood abuse and no-one ever laid a finger on me. Your son has already suffered physical abuse on at least two occasions so it's on you here to limit the damage to what has already been inflicted and safeguard your child or risk him ending up a very damaged adult. If that means you have to sleep on a sofa then you do it. Trust me, it's better than the alternative.

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 26/12/2023 21:51

Do you feel safe @Itshapenned ? How will he react to you asking him to leave? Or calling the police?
Yes, you have to protect your son. Is there someone who will babysit tomorrow while you go and report him, ask for the police to remove him and when they have get a non molestation order that would prevent him returning?
Sending hugs 🌺