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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need to leave after what has just happened

206 replies

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 20:59

I posted a while back in ‘relationships’ under a different name. My (D)H and I have been having issues for a while.

we were at my family’s today. Our DS son had a melt down as he was overtired and overwhelmed and all of a sudden my H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed DS by his jumper so he was in the air and took him outside. My DS screamed for him to put him down and I instantly followed telling my H to let him go. He took him outside where he did calm down but he left a mark on his neck. Family didn’t see as they were in a different room, not that it’s excusable. He then tried to block me from going upstairs as he wanted to talk.

we are now home and DS is asleep. I’ve told him I’m packing a bag and leaving in the morning, but I’ve nowhere to go with 2 young children. He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him and he’s sorry, but it’s too little too late.

I genuinely don’t know what to do or where to start, but I can’t hang around in case it happens again.

OP posts:
Easipeelerie · 27/12/2023 08:11

Don’t wait to call Women”s Aid. Contact police and pass on to them every single aggressive thing he’s done to the children and to you.
You have to do this as he’ll get unsupervised access in the future if you’ve not informed the police of domestic violence.

banananas1999 · 27/12/2023 08:14

Why are you and the kids going- he needs to go!

urbanbuddha · 27/12/2023 08:19

@PurpleBugz

Not with children but a neighbour - a sweet newly married girl - was the victim of repeated domestic abuse from her well-presented middle-class husband. The police turned up within minutes of each call and took him away but she wouldn’t give evidence. She left eventually.
Your situation sounds terrible and I really hope it improves. I know the police can be useless. I think it depends to an extent on the individual officer.

Lancia72 · 27/12/2023 08:24

I apologise for going off at a slight tangent but I have to say, you Mumsnetters are the greatest.

My 'father' did the exact same thing to my brother and me, at a similar age, as @Itshapenned describes, it's uncanny, among other violent incidents.

My mother totally enabled him and continues to do so, and to read how disgusted you all are and how clear it is to you that the welfare of the child is at stake - it's like therapy.

JamieKnows · 27/12/2023 08:30

"safeguarding my children is the only thing I care about."

Right, ring the police then

Seeleyboo · 27/12/2023 08:31

PLEASE READ THIS VERSION AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD DO OP.

Please report him.

We were at my family’s today. I had a melt down as i was overtired and overwhelmed and all of a sudden my H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed me by my jumper so i was in the air and took me outside. I screamed for him to put me down. He took me outside where he did calm down but he left a mark on my neck. Family didn’t see as they were in a different room, not that it’s excusable. He then tried to block me from going upstairs as he wanted to talk.

Poufpastry · 27/12/2023 08:33

Harridge74 · 27/12/2023 00:24

I think you're over reacting. Yes he may be in the wrong to react that way but I think packing what and leaving, phoning the police etc is also a massive error. By the sounds of his reaction I think he warrants a mature 121 discussion about what the issues in your relationship might be. Every man/woman has a breaking point and nothing tests that like a kid. Give him the benefit of the doubt and time.

You're having a laugh. Does she wait for a third attack on her son, one that might leave him seriously injured or worse? If he truly cares they can work on his issues while living apart.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/12/2023 08:36

Tell him to leave and report to the police. Well done for advocating for your son. This is your second warning, don’t let a third leave even more damage on your poor DS.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/12/2023 08:40

Harridge74 · 27/12/2023 00:24

I think you're over reacting. Yes he may be in the wrong to react that way but I think packing what and leaving, phoning the police etc is also a massive error. By the sounds of his reaction I think he warrants a mature 121 discussion about what the issues in your relationship might be. Every man/woman has a breaking point and nothing tests that like a kid. Give him the benefit of the doubt and time.

Fuck that! Her poor son needs protecting from this violent man.

Zanatdy · 27/12/2023 09:08

You need to report this as otherwise he’s going to get unrestricted access to your children. As you say, you need to safeguard them and reporting this is key to keeping them safe. Of course he’s crying now, as he realises his life is crumbling around him. We all get a bit fed up at relatives during Christmas but that’s completely unacceptable to hurt a child in this way, he must have been terrified. As someone else said, things are escalating. The police can make him stay elsewhere so you can remain in family home. I know this all feels so huge right now to end your marriage and report your husband but what next if you don’t? I was a victim of my mums moods / mental health issues as a child, sometimes physically, largely mentally listening to fights etc and it impacts you for your whole life.

Bbq1 · 27/12/2023 09:09

He pinned a 5 year old to the bed? Get out now.

Switcher · 27/12/2023 09:11

This makes me so sad.

Bingobatman · 27/12/2023 09:19

I’m in the minority here but I also think your husband sounds autistic and if I were you I would ask him to leave until he or you has organised parenting lessons and therapy to help him deal with his own meltdowns but I wouldn’t be reporting him etc or doing anything that a relationship can’t come back from (yes I’m aware that many of you will feel that he has crossed this line already).

I haven’t read the full backstory so if this is the last straw and you see no future with him then of course you should leave him. I do know however that young children can be very triggering for asd parents and I also know that once an adult understands their own asd and triggers, they can work on their behaviour and become a better parent (it happened to me).

GreyBlackLove · 27/12/2023 09:31

Bingobatman · 27/12/2023 09:19

I’m in the minority here but I also think your husband sounds autistic and if I were you I would ask him to leave until he or you has organised parenting lessons and therapy to help him deal with his own meltdowns but I wouldn’t be reporting him etc or doing anything that a relationship can’t come back from (yes I’m aware that many of you will feel that he has crossed this line already).

I haven’t read the full backstory so if this is the last straw and you see no future with him then of course you should leave him. I do know however that young children can be very triggering for asd parents and I also know that once an adult understands their own asd and triggers, they can work on their behaviour and become a better parent (it happened to me).

Why you think the man has autism? What has given you that belief?

theconfidenceofwho · 27/12/2023 09:36

Nttttt · 26/12/2023 22:58

OP tell the police and have HIM removed. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

This! Good luck Op.

3luckystars · 27/12/2023 09:38

I just wanted to wish you all the best today and hope you will be alright.

flawlessandfearless · 27/12/2023 09:41

Bingobatman · 27/12/2023 09:19

I’m in the minority here but I also think your husband sounds autistic and if I were you I would ask him to leave until he or you has organised parenting lessons and therapy to help him deal with his own meltdowns but I wouldn’t be reporting him etc or doing anything that a relationship can’t come back from (yes I’m aware that many of you will feel that he has crossed this line already).

I haven’t read the full backstory so if this is the last straw and you see no future with him then of course you should leave him. I do know however that young children can be very triggering for asd parents and I also know that once an adult understands their own asd and triggers, they can work on their behaviour and become a better parent (it happened to me).

What brought you to that conclusion?

wronginalltherightways · 27/12/2023 09:56

Classic abuser, and not the first incident.
Crocodile tears so you'll forgive him.

He should be going, not you.

I'm glad you're calling Women's Aid, etc, but you should also call the police and ask them to remove him.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 27/12/2023 09:58

PurpleBugz · 27/12/2023 08:05

@urbanbuddha

"I think if OP goes to the police tomorrow with the children that’s going to be much quicker and more efficient. The police can see any marks for themselves then. They will be able to advise on what other support is available."

Hopefully you are correct. Do you have experience of the police protecting yourself or your children from abusive men? I personally do and they did nothing. They said photos I had of injures could have been done by anyone it wasn't proof it was him (these marks appeared during his contact hours). They would not pull cctv footage of him violently snatching and dragging our upset toddler along a train station floor by the arm from clinging to my leg because "it was handover and his contact hours". I've been through group support sessions and met a lot of women who have similar experiences with the police.

I really would love to have the faith in the system people who haven't been through it have as what you "think" is the norm everyone thinks the police and court will protect them until they need protection

See, this is my concern.
Once your the "ex" you are seen as trying to alienate the other parent because of a vendetta you have, opposed to actually protecting them from a parent that's hurting them.
I went through court again and again with proof that DDs father was abusive in many different ways... never was I listened to.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 10:07

Anyone else thinking he has made op and dc's breakfast this morning and all is forgiven? Sleeping on things does dampen the horror ime. The police should have been called last night....

Floppyelf · 27/12/2023 10:13

I would call the police now and get that mark footage on police bodyworn camera’s. I would blab about being scared for my and my sons life so that they categorise the call as high risk and turn up. Give a statement and follow through. You can use the criminal proceedings in a divorce to protect your son.

Sugarsun · 27/12/2023 10:14

He’s the one that did wrong and so he needs to be the one to leave!

It will also be much easier for a single person to find somewhere, then a person with 2 kids in tow.

Does he have any family members he can stay at?

zurala · 27/12/2023 10:18

Bingobatman · 27/12/2023 09:19

I’m in the minority here but I also think your husband sounds autistic and if I were you I would ask him to leave until he or you has organised parenting lessons and therapy to help him deal with his own meltdowns but I wouldn’t be reporting him etc or doing anything that a relationship can’t come back from (yes I’m aware that many of you will feel that he has crossed this line already).

I haven’t read the full backstory so if this is the last straw and you see no future with him then of course you should leave him. I do know however that young children can be very triggering for asd parents and I also know that once an adult understands their own asd and triggers, they can work on their behaviour and become a better parent (it happened to me).

I'm autistic and just no. I don't think there's anything to indicate that he might be in what has been posted, but even if he is it does not excuse abuse and violence.

He's still a danger, even if he is neurodivergent. OP still needs to protect her children from him while he gets help/assessment/whatever.

She does not have to fix him or put up with this appalling behaviour. OP needs to protect her children.

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 10:24

God that poor child. He must be absolutely terrified, being pinned to the bed, held aloft like that, being abused in his own home, unable to stop it.

id report him to the police and insist he leaves. Get social services involved. Your children need protecting from their violent abusing father.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/12/2023 10:24

@Topee has it right…
**I also think you should be calling the Police. Firstly, when you separate you need the seriousness of the abuse on record to avoid him having unsupervised contact.

Secondly because he’s abused his own child and should face the consequences of that. Lastly, given how he has now shown violence on two occasions, I would want them to be the ones to remove him from the house to keep you and your children safe.**

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