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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need to leave after what has just happened

206 replies

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 20:59

I posted a while back in ‘relationships’ under a different name. My (D)H and I have been having issues for a while.

we were at my family’s today. Our DS son had a melt down as he was overtired and overwhelmed and all of a sudden my H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed DS by his jumper so he was in the air and took him outside. My DS screamed for him to put him down and I instantly followed telling my H to let him go. He took him outside where he did calm down but he left a mark on his neck. Family didn’t see as they were in a different room, not that it’s excusable. He then tried to block me from going upstairs as he wanted to talk.

we are now home and DS is asleep. I’ve told him I’m packing a bag and leaving in the morning, but I’ve nowhere to go with 2 young children. He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him and he’s sorry, but it’s too little too late.

I genuinely don’t know what to do or where to start, but I can’t hang around in case it happens again.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 26/12/2023 23:11

So he stormed down the corridor into the room to grab DC?
That's not even a knee jerk reaction to something is it (which would also be unacceptable). He's made a decision there.
Agree with pp, he should go.
"If you really want help to change then you need to go while we figure that out so that DC isn't disrupted any more than necessary." Even if you don't intend to help, whatever gets him out easiest!!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 26/12/2023 23:14

Haven't rtft, so sorry if it's been said already: it's not up to you to help your husband. He needs to go for help, parenting courses, etc himself. You are absolutely right that your and your children's safety is the priority and it sounds like you will prioritize that. Women's Aid is a good start.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 26/12/2023 23:20

You help him OP,
You help by saying, I'm removing DS from your environment, until you've worked on your anger...I am so proud of you for realising you have a problem.
In the immediate, you need to find somewhere else to be, away from DS.
I'll find childcare, and attend the GP surgery with you, to see where you can get help.

I will support you all the way!

...and go quietly to see a solicitor. Get advice, speak to NSPCC, speak to children's services,and even the police. speak to DCs school when they return- you need their safeguarding lead.

You need to make it clear that you have removed him from contact with your son, and you have ensured that it is actually something he has documented at his GP surgery.

Take full advantage of his remorse before it disappears into thin air.

Grimchmas · 26/12/2023 23:22

Tell him that you will help him, but it starts by him moving out temporarily.

In essence, lie. You and your children need the house more than he does.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 26/12/2023 23:36

Sorry, I meant to ask...how is your son?
I know I'm hormonal, but I'm sat thinking how scared he must have been both times his father has hurt him. Poor little guy.

Cuttysark4321 · 26/12/2023 23:45

I'm so sorry OP. You're a brilliant mum and you know it's over. I was abused like this as a child - my father had violent outbursts. He would cry when my mum tried to leave him, she would feel sorry for him and stay - only for it to happen again weeks later. I never properly understood or forgave my mum for not leaving. I'll never forgot those incidents but you have a chance now for your son to remember you doing your best to protect him. Do it - don't delay. Also I think you need to report, because it might help if he wants custody. Good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/12/2023 23:50

Grimchmas · 26/12/2023 23:22

Tell him that you will help him, but it starts by him moving out temporarily.

In essence, lie. You and your children need the house more than he does.

I agree with this. HE is the one with the problem so he should leave. Play it any way you can to make him think him leaving is the key to getting you back. All's fair in love and war. He's declared 'war' by his behaviour.

Get him out then catch your breath. Then see a solicitor, preferably yesterday.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/12/2023 23:51
  1. He leaves, now tonight - either to a relative or a friend or a hotel
  2. You inform the Police
  3. You inform Social Services
  4. You get help - Womans Aid, Domestic Abuse - look up Google / Ask the Council what there is
You need to make a paper trail and you need photos - for the future
LuluBlakey1 · 26/12/2023 23:53

You are asking again about a man who is being violent to your child.

Why aren't you doing the right thing?

Protect your child- he has been assaulted twice

Leave this man.

Ring the police and report this so it is properly recorded.

Ring social services.

bigyellowmoxi · 26/12/2023 23:55

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 22:33

@14q yes that was it. I do feel safe (as in no immediate threat tonight), but know that the line has been crossed. I just don’t know how to start getting things in motion when I can’t/wont leave them with him.

You call the police and you tell them he has assaulted your child twice.

You go to court and you get an emergency court order.

You need to safeguard your son and you need to do that tonight. He needs to know that his other parent will keep him safe and at the moment he won't be feeling safe with that pathetic man still in the home after attacking him then sobbing all over him.

I know this is hard and I know you feel like a rabbit in the headlights at the moment but you have to act, right now.

Tell him to go and if he won't you call the police.

You can't wait another month or however long it's been since the last incident.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/12/2023 23:56

The worrying thing op is that he did this at a family gathering and nobody noticed. I think it was your side too. Did he make sure it was done in a way nobody noticed/there were no witnesses. That is so manipulative it has made me shiver.

Phone your mum/sister/dog's, friends owner and make sure they know he is an abuser and you need support. You are bigger than a five year old, he won't care when you stand between them and he wants you out of the way.

katepilar · 27/12/2023 00:17

He needs therapy to control his anger. Him asking for help is a good start - tell him to find a therapist and sort himself out.

sprigatito · 27/12/2023 00:23

You need photos of the mark on your son's neck, and you need to report both incidents to the police. I know it seems extreme, but if you don't raise the alarm now, he is going to get unsupervised access when you split. He may even get 50% custody. You must start a paper trail and get some support. I'm so sorry Flowers

Bournetilly · 27/12/2023 00:23

He should leave. He needs to get help but he can’t guilt you into this.

You need to report him because he sounds like he will be wanting access to DC and he doesn’t sound safe to have unsupervised access.

Harridge74 · 27/12/2023 00:24

I think you're over reacting. Yes he may be in the wrong to react that way but I think packing what and leaving, phoning the police etc is also a massive error. By the sounds of his reaction I think he warrants a mature 121 discussion about what the issues in your relationship might be. Every man/woman has a breaking point and nothing tests that like a kid. Give him the benefit of the doubt and time.

Nembutal · 27/12/2023 00:24

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Midnightgrey · 27/12/2023 00:25

Her no doubt terrified son has been assaulted twice and she has done nothing other than pack her bags with nowhere to go. She needs to call the police, not cower in the spare room. He doesn't need help - this is a man who assaults small children and then snivels about needing help. I am willing to bet he doesn't go around assaulting grown men who could knock his teeth out - he doesn't need help controlling his behaviour there, does he? She didn't leave or throw him out after the first instance so he'll probably explain how it was really her fault, cry some more, promise never to do it again and she'll give him another chance.

Yalta · 27/12/2023 00:28

He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him

Well that ship has sailed

As for him asking for your help. You were there and couldn’t stop him from hurting your ds.
You aren’t responsible for his anger that is his responsibility. Him asking for you to be responsible is so he doesn’t have to change and if anything happened to ds during one of his outbursts then he can blame you.

PropertyManager · 27/12/2023 00:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Que??

PropertyManager · 27/12/2023 00:32

So, you don't like the way your husband disciplines your son? you want to leave?

If you feel strongly leave... surely its as simple as that, it's up to you is it not?

WhistPie · 27/12/2023 00:32

@PropertyManager there's no need to quote the whole fucking spam post that goes on for miles, just report it

LittleMissSunshiner · 27/12/2023 00:36

Please report post above, I already have.

OP you would probably be best served by asking him to leave. Appeal to his pride and dignity and what is fairest for everyone.

Also you can lure him out by assuring him you just need space and time out to chill and relax before you're prepared to have conversations about your relationship. Tell him you want a month of space and after that, you're happy to meet for discussions and relationship counselling. That buys you a month. At the end of the month you only agree to see him at a therapy session where you can discuss your issues. Therapist will probably see the problem and walk him into 'separation'.

Redruby2020 · 27/12/2023 00:41

LittleMissSunshiner · 27/12/2023 00:36

Please report post above, I already have.

OP you would probably be best served by asking him to leave. Appeal to his pride and dignity and what is fairest for everyone.

Also you can lure him out by assuring him you just need space and time out to chill and relax before you're prepared to have conversations about your relationship. Tell him you want a month of space and after that, you're happy to meet for discussions and relationship counselling. That buys you a month. At the end of the month you only agree to see him at a therapy session where you can discuss your issues. Therapist will probably see the problem and walk him into 'separation'.

Why make it so long winded! Yes in some situations careful planning is necessary, but to then go to therapy 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm sure some would throw the meeting out under certain terms. It's something you can't sort out in therapy, even going under the disguise of it being about the relationship.

Midnightgrey · 27/12/2023 00:42

Call your family. Surely somebody can watch your children. Not sure why you need somebody to take the children to allow you to telephone the police unless he leaves the house.

AmazingDayz · 27/12/2023 00:44

I find it strange none of your family heard this apparently? Do they live in a mansion? If it happened how you said it’s very surprising no one heard?

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