I need to leave after what has just happened

[Itshapenned]

I posted a while back in ‘relationships’ under a different name. My (D)H and I have been having issues for a while.

we were at my family’s today. Our DS son had a melt down as he was overtired and overwhelmed and all of a sudden my H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed DS by his jumper so he was in the air and took him outside. My DS screamed for him to put him down and I instantly followed telling my H to let him go. He took him outside where he did calm down but he left a mark on his neck. Family didn’t see as they were in a different room, not that it’s excusable. He then tried to block me from going upstairs as he wanted to talk.

we are now home and DS is asleep. I’ve told him I’m packing a bag and leaving in the morning, but I’ve nowhere to go with 2 young children. He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him and he’s sorry, but it’s too little too late.

I genuinely don’t know what to do or where to start, but I can’t hang around in case it happens again.

@Itshapenned how are you doing today?

Really pleased to come back and see that update OP. How was the talk?

Thank you @Mommabearof8 , I’m doing ok.

@AuntMarch it was hard, a lot of home truths for him and he did acknowledge a lot and listened. I just don’t think I can forgive or forget this, although I do believe he is genuinely remorseful and is a decent person. He has already arranged counselling and knows it is likely over for us.

That's really good news. Well done.

You need to be clear that you can't be the person helping and supporting him on the next phase of his journey because your priority has to be your (&his) DC and it's not possible to do both until he has sorted his head out. I am so glad that he has the sense to have left the family home but there's a danger of blurring your boundaries if that's where you meet to talk. Perhaps better to meet on neutral territory in future?

Absolutely. This is what happened to us all, my mum clearly didn't want to leave, not only couldn't or for the reasons that usually are behind why someone stays.
I have heard a few similar things about the older generation.
And it seems my mum was one of them, where you generally put your husband first, and you stay put.

I don't think she had the power to deal with it all.
I think when my father met her she was vulnerable and mental health has always been an issue.
Plus she wanted a husband and a home to look after, and wanted someone who would always be around, well yeah lol abusive men very rarely leave.

My father has scorned me in conversation for saying you told her to leave me lol. And that do you know how long we have been together.

If I shouted at/mother daughter things with my mother, my father would say now that's my wife etc, you don't talk like that etc, but I said oh but one is not referring to what they have done all these years to her.

I could go on forever with so many examples. But just one, where my mother would be in conversation with him, and him not appreciating what it takes to run a home cook meals daily etc.
And his response was 'I can get my dinners down the cafe, now shut your f*** mouth' that for me right there I would never cook again!
That is what I was conditioned to as being ok and normal.

My mother would brush it off say you have to let things go over your head 🤦‍♀️
But a one off in a two sided row maybe, and a decent man who treats you and your kids well, maybe, not years of it.

But it was never physical so apparently that is ok 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I can’t see that you done this yet op from your updates, please make a report with the police asap - just give them a ring and tell them what you have told us. This will protect your children from unsupervised access in the future. It’s a protective measure.

You can also request a DVPO that can stop him entering the house for up to 28 days and/or no contact to offer you the comfort and space of up to 28 days. Restraining orders too, for longer.

A bit of counselling is unlikely to work with this level of anger and violence, he may even find the process validating. The safest strategy is for him to never return, but you know this.

Please hold on to your strength and resolve. He will try everything. Say anything to worm his way back. Next time - and there WILL be a next time your child could be seriously or fatally injured please remember that always.