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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need to leave after what has just happened

206 replies

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 20:59

I posted a while back in ‘relationships’ under a different name. My (D)H and I have been having issues for a while.

we were at my family’s today. Our DS son had a melt down as he was overtired and overwhelmed and all of a sudden my H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed DS by his jumper so he was in the air and took him outside. My DS screamed for him to put him down and I instantly followed telling my H to let him go. He took him outside where he did calm down but he left a mark on his neck. Family didn’t see as they were in a different room, not that it’s excusable. He then tried to block me from going upstairs as he wanted to talk.

we are now home and DS is asleep. I’ve told him I’m packing a bag and leaving in the morning, but I’ve nowhere to go with 2 young children. He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him and he’s sorry, but it’s too little too late.

I genuinely don’t know what to do or where to start, but I can’t hang around in case it happens again.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/12/2023 10:28

Every man/woman has a breaking point and nothing tests that like a kid. Give him the benefit of the doubt and time

I'm childfree from choice. Even I know that you don't use a small child as a punching bag for your frustrations.

Perhaps have a sit down and ask yourself why you're excusing someone who's done that.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/12/2023 10:32

He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him

He did though, didn't he? physically assaulted him and probably terrified him as well.

Summasolstice · 27/12/2023 10:48

Report him for assault and the police will get him to leave. Then you can divorce

Grammarnut · 27/12/2023 10:51

Can I ask what DH's behaviour is besides this? Taking a child outside to calm down is not abuse (I used to turn on a cold tap and splash water over DS's face if he threw a wobbly - Penelope Leach's advice, it works). You need to look at what it is between you.

Over40Overdating · 27/12/2023 10:51

@Bingobatman nothing the OP had said suggested her husband is autistic.
And to infer that autistic parents are routinely abusive to give this man a pass is so offensive to autistic parents who have never and would never abuse their children.

Without fail these threads bring out women whose sole concern is to make excuses for abusive men by throwing everyone else under the bus. You should be ashamed of your complicity.

Ulysees · 27/12/2023 10:52

Wishthiswasntmypost · 26/12/2023 21:09

To be honest I think you need to report this. When you separate (because that's the safe thing to do) he will have access unsupervised with those children. You need to get help from NSPCC or someone to try and ensure all access is supervised

This

Ulysees · 27/12/2023 10:55

You need to call the police.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 10:55

Grammarnut · 27/12/2023 10:51

Can I ask what DH's behaviour is besides this? Taking a child outside to calm down is not abuse (I used to turn on a cold tap and splash water over DS's face if he threw a wobbly - Penelope Leach's advice, it works). You need to look at what it is between you.

Did you read the op?

H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed DS by his jumper so he was in the air and took him outside. My DS screamed for him to put him down

THAT's not just 'taking him outside to calm down' and if you read OP's subsequent posts, you'd see this is the second time he's done something like this.

DewHopper · 27/12/2023 11:06

Report this OP - this man should never have unsupervised access to these children.

Mommabearof8 · 27/12/2023 11:18

So what have you done this morning @Itshapenned?

Or had it all been smoothed over? Because IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN! I have been in your shoes and I reported to police & SS. You mentioned a baby? So, let’s just say, baby is really unsettled, and can’t be soothed. Your H looses his shit with the crying and picks up the baby in the same way! You just going to let this slide? Your son is 5! I know you don’t want to be dealing with this but you’re in the situation now and as a parent you need to put those kids first and report this. If your son does say anything to a teacher etc and you haven’t done anything about this SS won’t view you as a protective person - therefore your risking the children remaining in your care. Is HE worth that?

MyCakeyBakeyHeart · 27/12/2023 11:59

I’d suggest Googling for Mumsnet posts where mums have done much the same for balance.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/12/2023 12:00

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 10:07

Anyone else thinking he has made op and dc's breakfast this morning and all is forgiven? Sleeping on things does dampen the horror ime. The police should have been called last night....

@Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob

no. I think you need to give op a little more credit. I’m sure she knows what’s best for her child and for her.

Goatymum · 27/12/2023 12:15

Your husband needs to go, not you & ds.

Orangewinegum8481 · 27/12/2023 12:20

Please be the one to leave, then your husband won't know your location. Please report him and get everything documented on record.

ChanelNo19EDT · 27/12/2023 12:24

I would go to a refuge. If ever there was a situation where refuge was needed, it's for you, right now. IT DOESN'T DEFINE you. I thought to myself ''I'm not the type of person that goes to a refuge'' but the situation I was in was what defined the need, now ''who I was''. I didn't go. I stayed much longer than I should have too, and like you, one of my wake up and smell this coffee moments was when he reefed our toddler up off the floor by her arm, she was already crying. I had to leave. I did leave but didn't go to a refuge and I wish I had because they give the best advice. They ''process'' you and assist you with help. xx

ChanelNo19EDT · 27/12/2023 12:27

It will happen again of course, but the same anaesthetic that gets you through is what prevents you from taking action when everything has calmed down. Then it's a cumulative lethargy. You think, well if I didn't leave the last 50 times he kicked off, why would I leave today? Would it be ''dramatic'' to leave now, today, when I've endured this the last 50 times?

I left a maniac in 2007 but I still remember the thought processes that kept me locked in

Newgreendress · 27/12/2023 12:29

He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him

Pure gaslighting - he DID hurt your DS, but now (D)H has said this, your DS would be 'unreasonable' to be frightened of him.
Bad role model, you don't want tour DS to grow up like him, do you?
Report to police, he needs to leave, not you.

ChangedUserName13 · 27/12/2023 12:38

@Itshapenned you're doing the right thing - protecting your child and showing them right from wrong. Showing them they can trust you and you are a safe parent.

This scenario is exactly what happened with my parents - from when we were about 4/5. My mum never left; well she did once then went back; he made all the same promises - the behaviour changed for maybe 2 months - then the behaviour reverted and escalated each time - kicking a child on the floor / weapons being involved / strangling - we now don't speak to our "dad" and are very low contact with our mum who has still to this day - stayed with him.

We have no respect for their of them and they do not see our children. We don't trust either of them; for anything.

Our mum kept spouting "I was keeping the family together. I had nowhere to go. I had no money"
None of these are a reason. They are an excuse.

I myself, as an adult and mother, left an abusive partner whilst pregnant and 19. This is why I have 0 respect for my own mother.

Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 12:45

Op, your h clearly cannot handle family life at this time.

Whether that will change, who knows..... It's not looking great.

As a result he's abusing your 5 yr old, more indirectly abusing your baby (shouting "shut that baby up"; I'm sure they feel the aggression & tension in that even if they're "just" a baby), and verbally abusing you; the "fucking idiot".

He is not fit to be in a family, unfortunately.

As for helping him, he's an adult, he helps himself .... Your kids are kids, they cannot help themselves, you must

(I have a feeling this man who's said he didn't want a second child, didn't do a thing to prevent a second child like using condoms or even withdrawing, as unreliable as that is ..... But it is clear that his resentment, anger, intolerance etc. are peaking - with abusive outcomes for you and your kids).

Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 12:48

Anger and anger management are also a myth.

You'll find most of these men who "can't" control their anger with dependant, physically weaker humans - like women and kids - would manage to control it just fine with police-men, bruisers who could give them a beating etc.

Quirkyme · 27/12/2023 12:49

Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 12:48

Anger and anger management are also a myth.

You'll find most of these men who "can't" control their anger with dependant, physically weaker humans - like women and kids - would manage to control it just fine with police-men, bruisers who could give them a beating etc.

Edited

Agree.

Quirkyme · 27/12/2023 12:51

Bingobatman · 27/12/2023 09:19

I’m in the minority here but I also think your husband sounds autistic and if I were you I would ask him to leave until he or you has organised parenting lessons and therapy to help him deal with his own meltdowns but I wouldn’t be reporting him etc or doing anything that a relationship can’t come back from (yes I’m aware that many of you will feel that he has crossed this line already).

I haven’t read the full backstory so if this is the last straw and you see no future with him then of course you should leave him. I do know however that young children can be very triggering for asd parents and I also know that once an adult understands their own asd and triggers, they can work on their behaviour and become a better parent (it happened to me).

THIS IS BS.

Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 12:55

katepilar · 27/12/2023 00:17

He needs therapy to control his anger. Him asking for help is a good start - tell him to find a therapist and sort himself out.

He must have lost all his jobs and got continually in trouble with the law and fought policemen and got into fist fights with other men and been arrested loads and had no end of trouble due to this lack of control of his anger, right?

Or is only dependant women he can't control himself from calling a "fucking idiot" and dependant vulnerable 5 yr olds he roughs up ...cause he can't control his anger?

Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 12:57

Oh and him asking for help is not a good start ... It's manipulation.

It's "I've realised I'm on the verge of being chucked out, I'll cry and wail and I'll ask her for help - so she feels she's responsible for helping me . .so I'm a victim too .... And so she's torn in two directions and that detracts from the concern and focus on my son".

It's a guilting, play the victim, manipulate someone's good nature tactic. "I'm not really an abuser or villain you see, i need help, I'm a victim in my own way too!"

And behind it is such make entitlement. Your job is to help me, even while I abuse you and our kids.

If a man really had some conscience and care for his family - he'd take responsibility for himself and he'd say he would go and seek help, and that he'd leave the home because they needed to be safe and stable and calm while he tried to seek help. But I bet he's offering to go nowhere. He's angling to stay. Around the & yr old who doesn't know the next time he's going to be pinned down or sweet of his feet by an adult man who's shouting "fucking" something before he does so.

Some posters on this site are greener than new cut grass. Or they're something worse.

Pluviophile1 · 27/12/2023 13:05

Harridge74 · 27/12/2023 00:24

I think you're over reacting. Yes he may be in the wrong to react that way but I think packing what and leaving, phoning the police etc is also a massive error. By the sounds of his reaction I think he warrants a mature 121 discussion about what the issues in your relationship might be. Every man/woman has a breaking point and nothing tests that like a kid. Give him the benefit of the doubt and time.

This is TERRIBLE advice.

He's attacked his son at least twice. How much benefit of the doubt should he be given before he hospitalises or unalives one or both children?

Phone the police and have him removed from your house. He is a danger to your children and to you. If he really wants help, he can do this away from you and prove that he is addressing his anger issues.

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