I need to leave after what has just happened

[Itshapenned]

I posted a while back in ‘relationships’ under a different name. My (D)H and I have been having issues for a while.

we were at my family’s today. Our DS son had a melt down as he was overtired and overwhelmed and all of a sudden my H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed DS by his jumper so he was in the air and took him outside. My DS screamed for him to put him down and I instantly followed telling my H to let him go. He took him outside where he did calm down but he left a mark on his neck. Family didn’t see as they were in a different room, not that it’s excusable. He then tried to block me from going upstairs as he wanted to talk.

we are now home and DS is asleep. I’ve told him I’m packing a bag and leaving in the morning, but I’ve nowhere to go with 2 young children. He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him and he’s sorry, but it’s too little too late.

I genuinely don’t know what to do or where to start, but I can’t hang around in case it happens again.

Maybe I got a bit convoluted LOL

I was just thinking of a strategy whereby OP could lure bloke into leaving on a voluntary basis and appease his future hope about resolving the problem or such. If he thinks once he's out the door, he's gone for good, it could get nasty.

Take your son to the GP and get him checked, get this on record.

Or maybe you should leave with the children before you telephone the police. Just in case he isn't really sorry and ramps up. With a bit of luck he might get done for resisting arrest though perhaps he's only violent with small children.

It's not a once off. The OP's H has been violent to her child previously.

OP, he needs to be gone. End of.

I wouldn't leave I'd pack his bag and make him leave x

You ‘feel safe’. Do you think your five year old does? Would you feel safe if a work colleague pinned you to a bed, or grabbed you by the neck?

Some people do not deserve to be parents and are incapable of being so. Your husband is clearly one of them. If he’s still living in your home by the time you read this, you’ll be fast joining his ranks. Why is he still there?

My working class father was hot tempered but he would never have ever done this. He'd never have called my mother the f word either for that matter. This is simply not normal. Imagine when your son is a teenager and "talks back".

@Itshapenned, I well remember your other thread about your physically and verbally violent H. Your children are living in a dangerous home. It’s time to take action.

(1) He called you ‘a fucking idiot’ in front of your 5 year old and your father. Witnessing his abuse of you will damage your children.

(2) He pinned your son to the bed and cursed him. Although he claimed to regret his violence, he has now assaulted/terrorized your poor child a second time. His manipulative crocodile tears are from the Abuser’s Script.

(3) He told you (after the fact) that he never wanted a second baby, and he indeed gets very angry when your little one cries. He has even barked, ‘Shut that fucking baby up!’

@Itshapenned, don’t be conned by his attempt to make you responsible for his destructive behavior. He has shown hostility to both children, so you must protect and safeguard them by calling the police asap. If you don’t take definitive action, they will be set up for a life of anxiety, shattered self-esteem, and dysfunctional future relationships.

Kick him out asap.

Please report this to the police.

When my ex assaulted me when my son was on my lap screaming I called the police and didnt look back. You need to put your children first.

The waiting lists on NHS are too prohibitive for this to be a solution

Get out of there, OP. He's pinned a 5 year old child to the bed, and now he's left a mark on his neck. This is really serious. He cannot and should not be alone with that poor little boy. The violence is clearly escalating. How long until it becomes frequent? Injuries or threat to the neck are very high risk factors in very serious incidents of domestic violence.

Leave in the morning. Don't speak to DH about this as he will try and manipulate you and it could put you at risk. Report this to social care and they will help you. If you don't feel safe, ring 999 and tell the police what's happened and that you feel unsafe in your home.

Take care OP, and I'm so, so sorry.

Really? He hasn't hasn't blown up one time and shouted loudly. He's pinned a 5 year old child to the bed. He's placed his hands around the neck of a 5 year old. He's using physical force to frighten and overpower a very small child. Violence like that almost always escalates. Would you want someone who can't control themselves like that alone with your child? It's not an overreaction to call the police for any assault, let alone the assault of a little boy who has absolutely no means to defend himself.

Kids being annoying is not a defense. There is no excuse for that behaviour. Children are annoying sometimes, but you take a breather and walk away for a few minutes. You don't grab them by the neck. I'd rather 'overeact' and call the police, than do nothing and risk it happening again and ending up with a seriously injured child.

He needs to leave, not you. The blocking you from leaving thing is a lot more serious than it sounds. What he did to your DS is crazy and so dangerous. The crying thing is just a cop-out, not taking responsibility or real repentance. Don't fall for it. If you let him stay it will get worse because you're basically giving him permission.

Are you for real? 🙄

I love MN for this alone.

He is the who needs to leave. Not you.

Ring these and get into a refugee. Alternatively, ring the police and get him removed and charged

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Refuge re above not refugee

I wouldn't write him off yet. He needs therapy for his anger (that or this is a wake up call for him).

I say this because at one point I would have needed therapy, but the penny dropped with me which meant I no longer required it. After behaving like a brat (swearing/throwing food around the place), I left my amazing dad crying, and the shock of seeing him like that left me numb as I went to another room to stare at the ceiling in disbelief at how I was acting. It was the proverbial bucket of water over the face moment. I haven't sworn or thrown a wobbly since (over a decade) as that in built realisation is now with me. In my case the anxiety had got the better of me, I had no control over it nor had I any realisation that what I was doing was out of order. Its surreal even typing that out as its so far removed from who I am and I've said to family members if I could see a recording of myself behaving as I did I would still scarcely believe it.

He might need medication, he might need to talk to someone, but one thing is sure he can't do what he did ever again.

Are you seriously still in the same house with a man who acts like that? One shake or drop and your little one is dead. Unbelievable, nothing in this world would have made me stay after the first incident

This is one of the more measured responses.

Ultimately he needs to do the work to better himself here, and prove to you that this won't happen again. If his tears and remorse are genuine then he will make the change happen, first by getting help himself and taking it onboard.

In the meantime he needs to find separate accommodation to work through this.

If he's willing to go through this then you will have your answer. It's down to him though OP. You make it clear to him that this is what he has to do or there's no way back.

He needs to leave, not you, he is the abuser. Ring SS and tell them you need help in keeping your children safe from him.

OP, obviously I don't know where you are, but when I finally called the Police to report yet another assault, they immediately notified a local DV support service who basically did everything to support me, from sorting out benefits, housing, counselling, offered me a place in a refuge if we needed it, etc. Because they were local, they knew how the system worked and sat in appointments with me, acting as my advocate when I couldn't speak, liaised with the Police, council, etc.

Because of them, we survived - and you will too. It's been 8yrs now, and I still feel this incredible sense of safety in the home we have now, and my DC are thriving. Not everywhere has such a good set up, but it might be worth seeing if there is a local charity that could help you.

If you stay with him you are failing to protect your child and are complicit. Get him out the house, now.

I agree with this, and also think you should call the police.
What are you waiting for? Till he breaks a few bones?
I understand you will be shocked but you need to take action rather than simply reacting. He’s a bully and you need the support the police are there to offer you.