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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need to leave after what has just happened

206 replies

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 20:59

I posted a while back in ‘relationships’ under a different name. My (D)H and I have been having issues for a while.

we were at my family’s today. Our DS son had a melt down as he was overtired and overwhelmed and all of a sudden my H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed DS by his jumper so he was in the air and took him outside. My DS screamed for him to put him down and I instantly followed telling my H to let him go. He took him outside where he did calm down but he left a mark on his neck. Family didn’t see as they were in a different room, not that it’s excusable. He then tried to block me from going upstairs as he wanted to talk.

we are now home and DS is asleep. I’ve told him I’m packing a bag and leaving in the morning, but I’ve nowhere to go with 2 young children. He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him and he’s sorry, but it’s too little too late.

I genuinely don’t know what to do or where to start, but I can’t hang around in case it happens again.

OP posts:
Quirkyme · 27/12/2023 03:39

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 21:04

@BCBird he was fed up and wanted to go home. It’s just not excusable. Only once, last month, where he swore at DS and pinned him to the bed. That is what I posted about and should have left then.

Nah your husband has issues.

Quirkyme · 27/12/2023 03:40

Leave him. He needs to go not you.

vulvacious · 27/12/2023 03:40

This brings back so many memories of a friend of mine. She had 3 children and her husband did “little” things like this for a couple of years that slowly built up and she’d minimised his behaviour (and his family, hers not so much but he’d managed to isolate her from them in the main) gradually over the first year. She didn’t report or kick him out and when it finally got so bad that services were involved he lost custody of the children but so did she for not protecting them and they believed he had messed with her mind so much that she wouldn’t be able to. It’s been years now and she gives talks to social workers, women’s aid, teachers, etc on what she did wrong but also how services could have intervened sooner and the signs to look out for at the earlier points that were missed that could have kept her with her children rather than them being adopted/fostered.
Please report this man and take care of yourself and your children.

Quirkyme · 27/12/2023 03:40

Ladyj84 · 27/12/2023 02:48

Are you seriously still in the same house with a man who acts like that? One shake or drop and your little one is dead. Unbelievable, nothing in this world would have made me stay after the first incident

This.

Quirkyme · 27/12/2023 03:41

By continuing with this man, you are an enabler of abuse.

YireosDodeAver · 27/12/2023 03:44

Yanbu but he should leave not you. He is a safeguarding risk to your children and he is responsible for sorting himself out. If he can't put their needs first enough to leave and go elsewhere until he has dealt with his anger management issues then he is being an even more crap dad and destroying any chance of healing/reconciliation. If you leave tomorrow let it be for just one night to the nearest travel lodge to give him the opportunity to reflect on the above and choose to leave so you and your kids to return to the house. It is far better for him to sofasurf than for you plus 2 kids to be in emergency accommodation.

He is currently not safe to be around his kids. He cannot be trusted not to do this again just by promising he won't. He will, unless he gets professional help.

Dentistlakes · 27/12/2023 04:32

I would be very concerned. This is quite violent behaviour towards a small child and will likely escalate. Follpw
the advice of others here to ensure he doesn’t have unsupervised access after HE leaves.

PurpleBugz · 27/12/2023 04:46

You need to tell him you will stay if he gets help for his issues. Then after he's gone on record with GP (who will refer to social services so they get involved). After you have evidence coming from your husband this happened THEN you leave. Otherwise you could end up with him having kids 50/50 with you if he takes it to court and you are not there to protect them. This happened to me I left when he hurt our child then couldn't prove it and he got unsupervised contact and I got accused of parental alienation.

Get photos of the injury. Prey your child tells a teacher.

I hate reading these posts and it's always overwhelmingly "leave now protect your child". Any hesitation from OP gets roasted as terrible. I left my ex after a post I did like this. I have always regretted how I did it ever since.

Protecting your children is a long term thing. Don't just suddenly leave him if you don't have evidence. Unless you are sure he won't take you to court for contact then you should leave

PooglesWood · 27/12/2023 05:07

Get a picture of the mark on ds neck as I bet he’ll deny it

mistletaupe · 27/12/2023 05:13

Have you considered he's masking his own autism and having a meltdown himself? Either way he needs professional help.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 27/12/2023 05:23

PurpleBugz · 27/12/2023 04:46

You need to tell him you will stay if he gets help for his issues. Then after he's gone on record with GP (who will refer to social services so they get involved). After you have evidence coming from your husband this happened THEN you leave. Otherwise you could end up with him having kids 50/50 with you if he takes it to court and you are not there to protect them. This happened to me I left when he hurt our child then couldn't prove it and he got unsupervised contact and I got accused of parental alienation.

Get photos of the injury. Prey your child tells a teacher.

I hate reading these posts and it's always overwhelmingly "leave now protect your child". Any hesitation from OP gets roasted as terrible. I left my ex after a post I did like this. I have always regretted how I did it ever since.

Protecting your children is a long term thing. Don't just suddenly leave him if you don't have evidence. Unless you are sure he won't take you to court for contact then you should leave

This was what I advised too. She needs to manipulate any of the guilt he's saying that he has so there's some proof of what he's done, or risk not being believed that this happened.
Instead if he admits it, then she's got a lot more chance of protecting her child.

The minute she closes down and leaves him, his manipulation will ramp up, and his guilt will be replaced by anger that he's lost control of the people he's been abusing.

Leaving without groundwork in this situation will leave him with unsupervised access and OP won't be able to protect her child from him.

Newchapterbeckons · 27/12/2023 05:42

You are in shock and I imagine exhausted.

This has to be the very last incident. Calling WA and logging the assault with your local police station is a good idea. I would also take your son to the GP and have his neck checked - I assume you have the photos? Show the dr the area, he is a small child and necks are delicate.

Call your closest friends or family and tell them everything, ask for their help and support.

He needs to be sent to his mothers for now and if you feel strong enough, request a restraining order today, your children are both at severe risk op.

Remember this is a well trodden path. Other women have been in your shoes and taken the steps required to protect their babies. I know this first step is hard, gather as much support as you can and do it for your little boy’s sake. It is terrifying to live with an abuser, and he will be severely damaged in all ways even if he survives his childhood. This is deadly serious op. Please protect your children.

Newchapterbeckons · 27/12/2023 05:47

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 27/12/2023 05:23

This was what I advised too. She needs to manipulate any of the guilt he's saying that he has so there's some proof of what he's done, or risk not being believed that this happened.
Instead if he admits it, then she's got a lot more chance of protecting her child.

The minute she closes down and leaves him, his manipulation will ramp up, and his guilt will be replaced by anger that he's lost control of the people he's been abusing.

Leaving without groundwork in this situation will leave him with unsupervised access and OP won't be able to protect her child from him.

Show quote history

The only ground work required is a call to the police, GP and NSPCC. Photos are useful but not essential. Op needs to report both incidents.
This will be more than enough to secure contact supervision if needed.

urbanbuddha · 27/12/2023 05:58

PurpleBugz · 27/12/2023 04:46

You need to tell him you will stay if he gets help for his issues. Then after he's gone on record with GP (who will refer to social services so they get involved). After you have evidence coming from your husband this happened THEN you leave. Otherwise you could end up with him having kids 50/50 with you if he takes it to court and you are not there to protect them. This happened to me I left when he hurt our child then couldn't prove it and he got unsupervised contact and I got accused of parental alienation.

Get photos of the injury. Prey your child tells a teacher.

I hate reading these posts and it's always overwhelmingly "leave now protect your child". Any hesitation from OP gets roasted as terrible. I left my ex after a post I did like this. I have always regretted how I did it ever since.

Protecting your children is a long term thing. Don't just suddenly leave him if you don't have evidence. Unless you are sure he won't take you to court for contact then you should leave

I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a difficult situation.

I think if OP goes to the police tomorrow with the children that’s going to be much quicker and more efficient. The police can see any marks for themselves then. They will be able to advise on what other support is available.

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2023 06:58

I grew up with that kind of explosiveness hanging over my head all the time. I was a quiet, anxious child who barely slept. My mother became increasingly violent because she kept getting away with it. I applaud your decision to act expediently.

user1492757084 · 27/12/2023 07:12

I agree with getting Police to see the evidence and making a report.
I also agree with husband being asked to leave - under Police advice - and him not having access to DC until he completes counselling and courses, proves new skills of monitoting his emotions and handling the children with kindness etc

Change the locks and make plans with a mediator about living arrangements for the next few months/years.

mottytotty · 27/12/2023 07:18

I agree with pp. Ask him to leave. And if he refuses then you leave.

You’re doing the right thing, OP, by protecting your dc.

PBandJ111 · 27/12/2023 07:27

Write down exactly what happened whilst it’s fresh in your mind. Every detail. Take a photo of the mark. Tell him to leave, not you.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 27/12/2023 07:30

Sorry to hear this.

Sounds like he was feeling shitty and transferred those feelings onto your son. It’s so easy to do especially to children. They’re an easy target.

When I’m hormonal I’ve caught myself transferring onto my DC but I own it now and I say, “oh I’m doing that thing where I blame you to make myself feel better” and apologise. We’ve got to recognise and own our behaviour and be responsible for the energy we bring to situations.

He clearly needs some education/anger management ASAP so he can raise his awareness of his own behaviour and understand where his outbursts come from. He’ll work through it. There’s a lot of support out there if he wants it.

There’s still hope!

You sound like a good mum.
Take care of those babies and yourself.

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 07:34

keffie12 · 27/12/2023 02:18

Ring these and get into a refugee. Alternatively, ring the police and get him removed and charged

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Show quote history

Going to a refuge is the nuclear option, involving children leaving their home possibly permanently with none of their stuff, changing schools etc. that's absolutely not required here, as OP can report him to police and he will be arrested and bailed not to return for long enough for her to secure the home for the children, if the system works as it should. Refuge is for women who don't have other options.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/12/2023 07:35

If he won't go, yes leave and call tbe police to log BOTH incidents with them so it's taken into consideration when access to the children is granted.

christmaspawpaws · 27/12/2023 07:58

urbanbuddha · 27/12/2023 03:36

If you stay with him you are failing to protect your child and are complicit. Get him out the house, now.

I agree with this, and also think you should call the police.
What are you waiting for? Till he breaks a few bones?
I understand you will be shocked but you need to take action rather than simply reacting. He’s a bully and you need the support the police are there to offer you.

That ^^

If a stranger walked down the street and did this to him, what would you do? It makes it worse that it's not a stranger, it's someone that should love and protect him

PurpleBugz · 27/12/2023 08:05

@urbanbuddha

"I think if OP goes to the police tomorrow with the children that’s going to be much quicker and more efficient. The police can see any marks for themselves then. They will be able to advise on what other support is available."

Hopefully you are correct. Do you have experience of the police protecting yourself or your children from abusive men? I personally do and they did nothing. They said photos I had of injures could have been done by anyone it wasn't proof it was him (these marks appeared during his contact hours). They would not pull cctv footage of him violently snatching and dragging our upset toddler along a train station floor by the arm from clinging to my leg because "it was handover and his contact hours". I've been through group support sessions and met a lot of women who have similar experiences with the police.

I really would love to have the faith in the system people who haven't been through it have as what you "think" is the norm everyone thinks the police and court will protect them until they need protection

Andthereyougo · 27/12/2023 08:07

SavBlancTonight · 26/12/2023 21:18

Asking for.your "help" is just a sneaky way of making it your problem..."oh, its so hard and I feel.so bad what can you do to fix it?" Followed by, "if you do x I won't get that upset" etc.

He should leave. If he is genuinely sorry and wants to fix it, he would respect your need for him to go in the meantime.

This.
He needs to leave. He has assaulted a 5 year old twice.

LakieLady · 27/12/2023 08:10

Harridge74 · 27/12/2023 00:24

I think you're over reacting. Yes he may be in the wrong to react that way but I think packing what and leaving, phoning the police etc is also a massive error. By the sounds of his reaction I think he warrants a mature 121 discussion about what the issues in your relationship might be. Every man/woman has a breaking point and nothing tests that like a kid. Give him the benefit of the doubt and time.

Phoning the police is absolutely the right thing to do, unless you have the number for the children's services emergency duty service, who deal with urgent out of hours safeguarding issues (although they would quite probably involve the police anyway).

The first priority is to ensure the safety of the child, either by taking him to friends/family or for the father to leave the family home until a full assessment has been done. If he won't go willingly, and OP can't or doesn't want to leave with the children, then the police need to come and remove him.