Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need to leave after what has just happened

206 replies

Itshapenned · 26/12/2023 20:59

I posted a while back in ‘relationships’ under a different name. My (D)H and I have been having issues for a while.

we were at my family’s today. Our DS son had a melt down as he was overtired and overwhelmed and all of a sudden my H came pounding down the corridor and said ‘fucking’ something (I didn’t quite catch what he said) grabbed DS by his jumper so he was in the air and took him outside. My DS screamed for him to put him down and I instantly followed telling my H to let him go. He took him outside where he did calm down but he left a mark on his neck. Family didn’t see as they were in a different room, not that it’s excusable. He then tried to block me from going upstairs as he wanted to talk.

we are now home and DS is asleep. I’ve told him I’m packing a bag and leaving in the morning, but I’ve nowhere to go with 2 young children. He’s now crying on my DS’s bed saying he would never hurt him and he’s sorry, but it’s too little too late.

I genuinely don’t know what to do or where to start, but I can’t hang around in case it happens again.

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 13:10

If he thinks he needs help, why didn't he prioritise getting some after he pinned the 5 yr old down, or called the mother of his kids a fucking idiot in front of them, or was shouting "shut that baby up" (cause babies don't cry, no - they're very silent creatures (.

Again, notice the entitlement - not only is it the woman's role to to help and support him - while he's abusing her and their kids, its the woman's role to quieten a baby and remove all noise and stress from him.

Abuse is usually down to values, not anger management issues.

Yet the myth of anger management is alive and kicking in 2023, parroted in this thread alongside the other minimising, abuser apologist nonsense.

Put him in a male prison with men who could kill him and watch him control his "anger" & "autism" just fine. He'd be a quiet, well behaved boy then, I'm sure.

morechaimama · 27/12/2023 13:18

Sending love and hugs dear @Itshapenned I was in a similar situation with my XH and DC, and it took me a little while to realise that he was never going to change ... but we are out of it now, me and DC much happier and more settled. Do what you need to do to look after you and the little ones, your STBXH can look after himself, he is no longer your problem.

Lancia72 · 27/12/2023 13:28

Well said @Ladolcevita233

Lancia72 · 27/12/2023 13:38

Important to bear in mind the event(s) may be over but the child's memories of them are permanent and will be carried into adulthood. If you stay in the relationship, there'll soon be more.

gooddayruby · 27/12/2023 15:31

Good luck op. You're a great mother

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 27/12/2023 15:47

What happened when he pinned his 5 year old son to the bed?,
How long ago was it that he did this to his son?

Qhat has he done since to try and understand what drove him to do it, and what he may need to keep his son from being rightfully frightened of him?

Why did you stay then?

What have you done to explore what keeps you with a man who uses his physical strength to frightens a 5 year old boy?

Why are you staying?

What do you think you truly deserve?

What happened to you when you were 5?

I hope you are ok and can keep yourself and your son safe and living without fear of men. This cpuld be your son in 20 years time if you don't do something soon.

I hope you can do something to support yourself and your son.

I hope you reported the pinning him down on bed.

Take care of yourself and get supprt from someone you trust and who you know would not put up with this. Thye may be able to help you through it.

Good luck.

Redruby2020 · 27/12/2023 17:38

Ansjovis · 26/12/2023 21:47

I think I remember your previous thread. You say you were with your family today, will they help you? I am still suffering the effects of childhood abuse and no-one ever laid a finger on me. Your son has already suffered physical abuse on at least two occasions so it's on you here to limit the damage to what has already been inflicted and safeguard your child or risk him ending up a very damaged adult. If that means you have to sleep on a sofa then you do it. Trust me, it's better than the alternative.

Edited

Same here!

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/12/2023 17:44

If he means it then he needs to pack the bag. I'm sorry, it's so hard but you do need to call it a day. He can't cope with family difficulties and it won't get easier. Get a network to support you.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/12/2023 17:48

DC1888 · 27/12/2023 02:30

I wouldn't write him off yet. He needs therapy for his anger (that or this is a wake up call for him).

I say this because at one point I would have needed therapy, but the penny dropped with me which meant I no longer required it. After behaving like a brat (swearing/throwing food around the place), I left my amazing dad crying, and the shock of seeing him like that left me numb as I went to another room to stare at the ceiling in disbelief at how I was acting. It was the proverbial bucket of water over the face moment. I haven't sworn or thrown a wobbly since (over a decade) as that in built realisation is now with me. In my case the anxiety had got the better of me, I had no control over it nor had I any realisation that what I was doing was out of order. Its surreal even typing that out as its so far removed from who I am and I've said to family members if I could see a recording of myself behaving as I did I would still scarcely believe it.

He might need medication, he might need to talk to someone, but one thing is sure he can't do what he did ever again.

Show quote history

He's assaulted a 5 year old, it's not time to see if he has a think. He's not safe.

Redruby2020 · 27/12/2023 17:48

ChateauDuMont · 26/12/2023 21:58

A grown man doesn't need your help.

His emotions and behaviours are his own. He is a very weak willed man who acts impulsively and I bet it's only towards those that are vulnerable as he wouldn't do it to a big built bloke.

Get this piece of crap away from your children before he damages them mentally and emotionally as well as physically.

Bruises and cuts heal, the damage done inside of being terrified of your dad can last a lifetime.

There are many who think differently 🫣 I am just going to say women for this part, who make a lot of excuses, I have done it myself so hands up.
There is no doubt that what happens in our childhood/upbringing and anything else then or later on in life can cause us all sorts of problems and issues.

I know when I get angry or stressed there are several causes.

But I've had this even in my own family, and excuses that have been made oh he doesn't have confidence, his mother was the same, he is like this because of his upbringing blah blah.
And that you have to let alot of it (what they've said and done in the past/present) go over your head like I've had to 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
My response to that was 'other things maybe, abuse no'

Sad to say it, but there are quite a few who for example are parents and the other one who is supposed to be the better one is actually a Co abuser, in one way or the other.

Quirkyme · 27/12/2023 17:50

@Redruby2020

Your last sentence is spot on.

Redruby2020 · 27/12/2023 17:55

Harridge74 · 27/12/2023 00:24

I think you're over reacting. Yes he may be in the wrong to react that way but I think packing what and leaving, phoning the police etc is also a massive error. By the sounds of his reaction I think he warrants a mature 121 discussion about what the issues in your relationship might be. Every man/woman has a breaking point and nothing tests that like a kid. Give him the benefit of the doubt and time.

🫣 I can't believe what I just read

Redruby2020 · 27/12/2023 18:08

Quirkyme · 27/12/2023 17:50

@Redruby2020

Your last sentence is spot on.

Thankyou.

xyz111 · 27/12/2023 19:01

He needs to leave. Otherwise your children will grow up being terrified of him, and you'll be dealing with the consequences for years.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 27/12/2023 20:58

TBH there are a few responses here that make me realise exactly how children die in their homes at the hands of adults.

Truly sickening that there are people saying Ooh, autism! We all have bad days! Or don't write him off! It's an overreaction.

This 5 year old has been pinned down by an adult, and in a separate assault has sustained markings to his neck!
If this was a woman who had been subjected to these assaults people would be saying well, there's a correlation between choking or other assaults to the throat and death in DV cases, get out.

Please OP, do not listen to the people who are trying to make any excuse at all.

These assaults on your son are serious and he should not be anywhere near children.

I hope you have spent today making moves to get him as far away as possible. If not, who knows what may happen next time.

Quirkyme · 27/12/2023 20:58

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 27/12/2023 20:58

TBH there are a few responses here that make me realise exactly how children die in their homes at the hands of adults.

Truly sickening that there are people saying Ooh, autism! We all have bad days! Or don't write him off! It's an overreaction.

This 5 year old has been pinned down by an adult, and in a separate assault has sustained markings to his neck!
If this was a woman who had been subjected to these assaults people would be saying well, there's a correlation between choking or other assaults to the throat and death in DV cases, get out.

Please OP, do not listen to the people who are trying to make any excuse at all.

These assaults on your son are serious and he should not be anywhere near children.

I hope you have spent today making moves to get him as far away as possible. If not, who knows what may happen next time.

Right the autism response was taking the biscuit.

Women will make all sorts of excuses for men when it's right in front of them. Absolutely despicable

Anita848 · 27/12/2023 21:31

Just in case you need any outside help, I'll leave here a list of some organisations/charities that you might want to reach out to for advice/help if you don't know what to do next. Sometimes it helps to speak to someone who's experienced in this kind of thing and can guide you towards what's best for you and your kids. https://iamlip.com/help-guides/registered-charities-that-could-help-you/
Although you may not be at this stage yet - consider how much you want to stay in this relationship and whether it's the best thing for you and the kids. You need to safeguard you kids which is what it looks like you are looking to do. See if this might help you with that - https://educationandchildmatters.iamlip.com/
and if you decide to separate from your husband, this guide can help you sort out what you need to sort out as it's hard to know what to do when your head is scrambled (i've been there with my ex) - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/ I hope this can help with your situation xx wishing you and the kids the best.

Registered Charities That Could Help You

Registered Charities That Could Help You - I AM L.I.P

https://iamlip.com/help-guides/registered-charities-that-could-help-you

MsDogLady · 27/12/2023 21:42

@Itshapenned, how are things going now?

Original poster
Itshapenned · 27/12/2023 22:33

Thank you all for your messages and kind words / links of support. I am sorry for not replying until now. My littlest one hasn’t been well for a few days and so I’ve not had a chance to reply.

my H is out of the marital home and I have spoken to woman’s aid. He came back this evening on my agreement to talk, and has now left again as per my request. I now have time to breathe and will take the next few days to sort some immediate arrangements out.

thank you again. For clarity, my H doesn’t have autism.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itshapenned · 27/12/2023 22:33

@Anita848 thank you so much,your kind support really does mean a lot

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/12/2023 22:41

Thank goodness you have updated ! It's almost 24 hours since you last posted on this thread.

So pleased you have phoned Women's Aid.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 22:50

Thanks for the update op - hope you're doing ok Flowers

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 27/12/2023 23:29

I was in the same position as you when my son was 7
i too wish I had left then
do you have any family you can stay with if he doesn’t leave

caringcarer · 27/12/2023 23:47

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 26/12/2023 21:26

This is the second time he has been violent to a 5 year old child. You pack HIS bag and tell him if he doesn't go you will report him to the police.

This and if he refuses to go you phone a Woman's Aid and ask for help leaving him. What if you were not there. He would/could seriously harm your 5 year old. How long before he starts on the other child. You have to get the DC away from this monster who attacks small DC.

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 00:13

@Ohthatsfabulousdarling

But no one believes us the family court is like this because we legally cannot talk about what happens in family court. I was in an online single parents group once and I had to leave because there were too many woman who had left following a post on AIBU like this or a conversation with friends like this and then the system fucked their kids over. Giving the same advice all the time about the need for evidence and it being too late as the mother was labeled as difficult. Just too triggering for me.