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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

WHY WOULD DIVORCED WOMEN KEEP SURNAME?

160 replies

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 10:02

I am really curious about this. I am married and have 2 children and I honestly think I would revert back to my maiden name if I was to divorce my partner.

When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts. Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!!

Thoughts?

OP posts:

LondonJax · 09/06/2013 17:33

I kept mine because no-one I had worked with for 17 years would have known me as anything else. As my work involved a lot of networking it would have been like starting my career all over again. Privately though I reverted back to my maiden name.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/06/2013 18:03

OPI would disagree that you were honestly curious.

You assumed that it was done to hurt the ExH. Surely the most logical explanation would be to do with DCs, known professional name and convenience. Indeed you seem to think that all ExWives try to use whatever means they have at their disposal to hurt an Ex. So I was simply wondering if you were speaking from quite bitter experience.

olathelawyer05 · 09/06/2013 18:05

"...Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!! "

If as you say he doesn't love you anymore, then its not going to be much a kick in the face is it... In fact, in that scenario, he'd probably want you to relinquish his name.

Frikadellen · 09/06/2013 18:08

CheesyPoofs read my first post didn't want to be known as male genitalia for the rest of my life esp not as I have a unisex first name yuck.

olathelawyer05 · 09/06/2013 18:23

"I think it's strange, and tbh, slightly pathetic that women still change their name to their H's on marriage...."

Its no more strange or pathetic than men being expected to fork out for a ring, and get on their knees (literally or metaphorically) to propose. You cannot simply pull these conventions out of the context in which they exist, and then criticise them whilst completely ignoring that context.

I speak as someone who is completely unconvinced by marriage as an institution, and is vehemently opposed to it for men.

tutu100 · 09/06/2013 18:25

My Mum kept my Dad's surname after they divorced as it had been her name for over 20 years and she didn't want to have a different name to me and my brother.

Ledkr · 09/06/2013 18:34

I have already explained my reasons but the realisation that keeping it may have caused ow some annoyance has cheered me up greatly

DonutForMyself · 09/06/2013 19:25

Do you realise OP that even your signature would have to change, as well as all those official documents, driving license, passport, mortgage, bank accounts, all online shopping accounts, tax credits, all the utility bills? Have you any idea how much effort is involved in changing your name this far down the line?

I think its more likely that someone who changes it back quickly is trying to 'make a point' that they want nothing more to do with their ex (probably with good reason) and those who don't change it back are not bitter, twisted, resentful women who plot ways to get back at their ex (& his new W), they are busy people with full lives, making the most of their new opportunities to have fun and be happy now that their crappy relationship is finished rather than spending their free time filling in endless forms.

cjel · 09/06/2013 22:37

yes yes donut, thats what wanted to say!!!!

olgaga · 10/06/2013 00:38

I intend to be Ms Maidenname all my life whether I'm married or divorced. Easy peasy.

Not so easy peasy actually. Having kept my single name for work purposes and starting out as Ms (singlename) and Ms (marriedname) I'm now alternatively Mrs (singlename) and Mrs (marriedname) depending on where I am.

After 20 or so years I just can't be arsed.

Call me whatever you like, just don't call me late for dinner.

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 10/06/2013 08:09

DioneTheDiabolist I dont know what to say - I dont know why you dont believe that I am honestly curious! My friends and I often discuss this topic with mixed responses so thought I'd see what you lot thought! Maybe my original comment was deliberately provocative...

OP posts:

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 10/06/2013 08:15

My sister has been divorced 7 years and still uses her married name. I think it's just laziness tbh as she is terrble with paperwork at the best of times. Definitely not about wanting to stay connected to the ex- they have zero contact (no kids) and she initiated the split, albeit it was reasonably amicable.

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin · 10/06/2013 08:16

Thankfully, I don't anticipate having to make this decision but if i did, I think I would want to keep 'my' married name. I would want to have the same name as my children and it would be easier.

Once you get married the surname becomes the family name and I wouldn't consider it the husbands.

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin · 10/06/2013 08:22

Noddy.
You don't come over as being curious . You come across as a bit angry about this subject but I don't know why

Bambi27 · 10/06/2013 08:32

Agree with thereareeggsinmyviolin I believe that my 'married' name is now my family name the same as my daughters so would definitely keep it...I think!! I obviously don't feel we will get divorced so hard to know!!

TolliverGroat · 10/06/2013 09:33

I suspect people doubt your genuine curiosity because your OP effectively said "Why do you do this? I think all the reasons women give are lies and it's actually for this other reason I've made up in my head. I've never actually been in this position myself, you understand, but I think I know what I would do if I ever were so that qualifies me to tell the rest of you who have been there how wrong you are."

This doesn't exactly scream "genuinely curious".

MOSagain · 10/06/2013 16:00

same surname as DC
all professional qualifications/practicing cert in married name
PITA to change everything

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 10/06/2013 17:07

Tollivergroat - I am not going to keep going on about being curious. But even if I had a trail of ex wives all of which had kept my partners name - what difference does it make? It's an open debate and I'd like to know what everyone thinks - I've stated my opinion feel free to state yours

OP posts:

TolliverGroat · 10/06/2013 18:13

I have done, upthread quite a way. But you also said "I dont know why you dont believe that I am honestly curious!" and I felt free to state my opinion on that too: if you start off your thread by telling the people whose views you claim to be soliciting that you don't think they are telling the truth (effectively dismissing what they think before they've even had a chance to say it) then they are going to doubt your motives for asking.

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 11/06/2013 11:52

TolliverGroat when did I say I didn't believe anyone? You are missing the whole point of this debate.

OP posts:

DonutForMyself · 11/06/2013 12:35

Noddy you say in the OP that you can't help thinking that you know exactly why they do it and have dismissed anyone who has explained many other perfectly valid reasons for keeping their married name (note it is THEIR married name, not their husband's name).

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/06/2013 13:13

You say it in your OP OP.

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 11/06/2013 14:17

DonutForMyself and DioneTheDiabolist I say in my OP 'I can't help thinking...' - this is my opinion and I am then asking for yours! I haven't dismissed anyone!

Its a real wonder why people hate coming on this Mumnet isn't it?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 11/06/2013 14:19

DonutForMyself where in my OP do I say 'I know exactly why they do it'???? I think you may have hang ups of your own...

OP posts:

DonutForMyself · 11/06/2013 16:21

erm no, no hang-ups, I'm planning to change back to my maiden name when I can be arsed once I am actually divorced & so will have the paperwork required for an official name change.

However, if I don't get round to it for a while, it has nothing to do with clinging onto the STBXH (FWIW it was my decision to split up with him - obviously not an easy decision where DCs are involved, but mine nonetheless). I'm certainly not hankering after him or clinging onto him or trying to wind anyone up (he doesn't even have a new GF as far as I know) or any of the other crazy speculations that have been bandied about on this thread!

I am happily in a new relationship (DP has no worries about me keeping my married name as he says its a nice name and doesn't mind that I'm still technically a Mrs, which is the only part that bothers me).

STBXH's opinion on my name has no bearing whatsoever, the only people whose opinions mean anything in this situation are my DCs who all understand that if I change my name I will still be their mum and their dad will still be their dad and that as we double-barrelled our names on marriage we will both still have the same name as them.

If any of my 'friends' were speculating about why I might be keeping it for longer than necessary for any reason other than sheer laziness, I would think they didn't have much going on in their life if that was of any interest to them whatsoever!

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