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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

WHY WOULD DIVORCED WOMEN KEEP SURNAME?

160 replies

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 10:02

I am really curious about this. I am married and have 2 children and I honestly think I would revert back to my maiden name if I was to divorce my partner.

When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts. Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!!

Thoughts?

OP posts:

starsandunicorns · 05/06/2013 11:23

My sister divorced and kept her married name because she liked better than her maiden name i changed mine back beacause it would remind me of him both marriages and divorves were crap

HaveToWearHeels · 05/06/2013 11:26

I am offended by your presumption that you are doing it out of spite, "Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore?". My husband still loved me dearly, but I needed to move on.
We had no children yet I kept my married name
a. because I had my married name so long it was who I was, why should I change it ?
b. it is a right pain in the arse to revert back.
c. I think it quite petty when you change back to maiden name (unless of course your ex was an arse, then I can fully understand it) I had a very happy 14 year relationship with my ex, we just drifted apart and wanted different things.

MrsOakenshield · 05/06/2013 11:28

I didn't have DCs but to be honest I couldn't be bothered with the hassle, and it wasn't an acrimonious divorce, plus in a way I felt it was drawing attention to it from people I didn't know well (so name changing at work, for example) and also it felt like I was pretending that it never happened (the marriage was my mistake, and mine alone). Also, having been bothered about 'losing my identity' when I changed it after getting married, and discovering my identity had nothing to do with my name, I wasn't that fussed. I now have DH's name, but that's mainly cos of DD, I wanted us all to have the same name (and having my exh's name when married to my 2nd H did seem a bit weird!).

TolliverGroat · 05/06/2013 11:33

"When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts."

Yes, but your hypothetical woman didn't do that, did she, in spite of all those options? She decided that she wanted to have the same name as her children, and deliberately chose to change her name after marriage to reflect that. She doesn't stop wanting to have the same name as her children just because she's divorced, whether it's 2013 or not.

I would keep my surname on divorce, because I kept it on marriage.

CloudsAndTrees, I think "what they contributed to the marriage" should include lost potential, though. If you have a couple in their mid-20s going into a marriage with roughly equal earning potential and then over the course of the marriage one spouse has his or her earning potential diminished as a result of decisions jointly taken for the good of the family unit (e.g. moving area to follow the other spouse around to further that spouse's career, SAH for a while with lost years of career experience and possibly difficult to get back into skilled work, etc.) then that imbalance ought to be recognised in the divorce settlement and the cost of it shared between the parties rather than just left where it falls.

DuelingFanjo · 05/06/2013 11:53

Well, my mum still has her married name, grown up kids, is divorced from my dad and my dad is dead yet she still keeps the married name. Why? Because she had it for 20+ years and it's a complete pain and faff to go about changing something everyone is used to.

SgtTJCalhoun · 05/06/2013 11:57

Well quite simply I do want to have the same name as my children. They were born to me having that name and I see no reason why I should have to change back. As their mother that's who I am.

However I do use my maiden name for email, FB etc.

Startail · 05/06/2013 11:59

Because her lifes work is in that name, thats why my favourite university lecture kept hers.

It's why other academics keep their maiden names for work. Just depends what name they used on their first paper. Science citations index can't cope with people changing their names.

CloudsAndTrees · 05/06/2013 12:03

Tolliver, I agree with you up to a point. But it's a difficult one, because unless both parents are 100 behind every decision then it can become unfair.

It would be wrong for a man to force a woman back to work if she was desperately unhappy with the idea and wanted to be a SAHM (presuming they can afford it).

But it would be equally wrong for a woman to insist she stays at home and gives up work despite her DH being unhappy about being the sole earner, and to then use her lack of career progression and earning potential as a reason to take more of her ex husbands income.

We can't have it both ways.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 05/06/2013 12:05

It's not my husband's name. When we married, I chose to change my name to match his, because I wanted us and our future children to share a name (and was too lazy to faff about with complicated options). Just because he had it from birth and I had it from marriage doesn't mean it is my name any less than his. I'm not walking around with a 'borrowed' name.

If we divorced, I wouldn't change my name. Nor would I change my name if I married again. It is being the same as my children that matters to me.

TheSurgeonsMate · 05/06/2013 12:09

Amanda I think that articulates it well - it's not a "borrowed" name.

olgaga · 05/06/2013 12:10

I don't see the problem in wanting to keep the same name as your children. If it's your family name, you're still part of your own family whether you're divorced or not!

It also depends how old you are, and how much of a hassle it is to change your name.

MatersMate · 05/06/2013 12:14

I'm really glad my Mum kept her married name after her and my Dad divorced. i would have been sad to see her name as her maiden name.

I've got a different surname to my kids, and that makes me sad too, keep thinking of changing it on line! >>

ThreeDaughtersLoveSandwiches · 05/06/2013 12:16

I divorced exH nearly 18mths ago and haven't changed my name. The reasons being that I can't be bothered, my name is the same as my 3 DDs and reverting back to my maiden name would feel like I was going backwards so what name would I use? I think it would look stranger to give myself a completely different name.

Xenia · 05/06/2013 12:19

It is the surname of our 5 children. I wrote 30 books in that name. I would lose money/reputatuon if I reverted to a maiden name I have not used for work ever in nearly 30years. Not surprisingly I would not change it.

TolliverGroat · 05/06/2013 12:25

Well, yes. But that's rarely what happens ("she stays at home and gives up work despite her DH being unhappy about being the sole earner"). And in a lot of cases I know of where the husband might see it that way it's because he's fundamentally clueless about the cost and availability of flexible childcare. How many of them are sufficiently "unhappy about being the sole earner" that they'd happily see the total family income drop significantly in order to see their spouse bring in a second income even though more than that income was being paid out in childcare? And then if the marriage did break down how many of them would actually go for 50-50 shared residence or otherwise pick up 50% of the childcare bill? Yes, there are some. But overall IMO and IME most go for maximising family income and their "unhappiness" at being the sole earner only becomes concrete when it starts costing them money (i.e. on divorce) rather than over the many preceding years when it was saving them money (by avoiding a disproportionate childcare bill).

babyboomersrock · 05/06/2013 12:27

I kept my married name for as long as my children were at home - much more convenient for us all and less of a slap in the face for them. I didn't like the idea that their name had suddenly become one I couldn't bear to hear.

In any case, as other posters have pointed out, I don't have a name of my own to use. In the UK, you're either your father's possession or your husband's.

smoothieooo · 05/06/2013 12:29

I'm keeping my married name when STBEx and I divorce - mainly because it is also the surname of the DC. Also, I don't want to go back to being 'Smith'

skyeskyeskye · 05/06/2013 12:36

I have chosen to go back to my maiden name because my XH walked out on me with no warning and turned my life upside down. We are not friends, the only connection now is our 5yo DD. I don't see him, I don't speak to him and I don't want to be reminded of him every time that I have to sign my name.

I do not want anything to do with him and I certainly don't want his name. I only took that name when I married him 7 years prior to the divorce. If I am not married to him, then I do not want his name. It was important to me to become Mrs Skye XH when I married, but it is just as important to me now to become Ms Skye oldname now that I am divorced.

My mum thinks I should have kept married name for DD's sake, but there are so many unmarried parents nowadays, that it is not unusual for DC to have different name to their parents. and if I married again, I would have a different name to her then anyway.

I understand why people keep it for their DC sake though, or for professional reasons. My business name included my married surname, so I have had to change everything, but this time I have used a business title that does not include my surname.

Satnightdropout · 05/06/2013 12:38

Partners ex has kept his surname. But, they were married so long that she had had her married name longer than her maiden name. She also wanted to keep the same surname as the kids they share. And has even given her other 3 kids since then partners surname.

It does bother me at times, especially when our son goes to the same playgroup as his exes kid and is sometimes assumed to be siblings. But, then I've got more important things worry about, and I know that the ex would love to know it bothers me.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 05/06/2013 12:42

Why do people always say that a woman has 'her father's name' as her maiden name, but never complain that a man has his father's name? By that reckoning, none of us have our own names, ever.

JimmyCorkhill · 05/06/2013 12:50

Why wouldn't you believe that someone wants the same name as their DCs?! I think its really odd when a couple aren't married and a woman gives the DCs their dad's surname. To me its a sign that we're all part of the same family.

This confuses me . I'm not married and my DC have their dad's surname. I don't mind. They would either have my surname or his so surely one of us would miss out it sounds stupid double-barrelled. They are equally our children so my surname is no more important than his.

HMSVictoria · 05/06/2013 12:57

Where I live, after divorce a woman loses the right to use her ex-husband's name and has to revert to her maiden name.

But then a woman's married name is only considered to be a usual name, not her real name. You never lose your maiden name here administratively speaking, whether or not you use it in everyday life.

Which is fine with me as I'm using my maiden name more and more since my separation. Ironically, when in the UK still I have to be Mrs Marriedname because that's what my British passport says (which costs £££ to change so I'll do it when it expires)

I don't mind the DC having a different name. I'd rather shake off the legacy of my cheating ex and become myself again.

Tuckshop · 05/06/2013 13:11

I'm undecided but I think I'm going to keep the same name. You're way off though Noddy with thinking it's a way of staying connected to my ex, or that because I'm getting divorced it's because he "clearly doesn't love me any more". I was the one who left, he's the one who is clinging on and I can't wait to be divorced. There are all sorts of reasons why people divorce and why they choose the name they do. Mostly at the moment I can't see the point of changing it, and I don't associate it with him or being married to him - it's just who I am I suppose. Maybe that's my decision made.

wannaBe · 05/06/2013 13:32

My dad's sister kept her first husband's name when they got divorced, and subsequently made her other husbands (of which there were several) change their names to that one. Now that IMO is weird.

As for changing after divorce, yes I want to keep the same name as my ds, plus it's more hastle than it's worth to change it back. Frankly I think that wondering and making assumptions about "wanting to stay connected to their ex", etc is far more weird than actually retaining the name.

FanjoPaterson · 05/06/2013 13:58

MIL kept hers because then 'every time he has to write to me, he'll remember who he should be with.'

Which I suppose would be fine if FIL had cheated or something, but MIL was the one who refused treatment for her psychiatric issues and had emotional affairs. FIL was just the one who out his foot down and said 'enough.'

If I married (and then divorced) DP I'd keep his name because it's nicer than mine, which I'm really not keen on. It's hard to spell and very harsh, much rather DP's lovely soft Scottish one.

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