Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

WHY WOULD DIVORCED WOMEN KEEP SURNAME?

160 replies

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 10:02

I am really curious about this. I am married and have 2 children and I honestly think I would revert back to my maiden name if I was to divorce my partner.

When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts. Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!!

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Tuckshop · 05/06/2013 17:08

I was about to post exactly that in support of you DoingIt - that the name is no more his than the money or the house.

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 17:18

I do understand this view Tuckshop (now its been explained better) but that name IS his no matter how you justify it, my point is - why keep it? A bit of paperwork is surely not a good enough excuse?

Also what has Cheryl Coles previous conviction got to do with her name? What now she is a Cole the slate has been wiped clean?!?

OP posts:

Tuckshop · 05/06/2013 17:44

We cross-posted.

Ok, well it's his name but it's mine too and has been for many years. So why not keep it? He doesn't have ownership of the name, and it's not something we can divvy up like the finances.

JimmyCorkhill · 05/06/2013 17:47

Doing Thanks for explaining your views . I suppose part of the reason my children have their dad's name is precisely because I did have the pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc. They are all experiences which my partner couldn't have although I would have swapped!! so having his surname linked them to him because they were blatantly linked to me IYSWIM? There's also the chance that we might get married in the future so it saves future hassle of name changing. I also think that it's obvious to everyone that we deal with regularly that I'm their mum because I'm always with them (SAHM) so the fact that my surname is different doesn't stand out because I'm just called 'Little Jimmy's mum' anyway. And if they had my surname it might not be clear to people that their dad is their biological dad although does this really matter? And finally, I'm not really that bothered about my surname! We did discuss this and it was my choice.

bigTillyMint · 05/06/2013 17:48

DM kept her married name after she divorced my father. Maybe it was for convenience, but I tend to think she was ashamed to be divorced even in the 70's (she is very old-fashioned)

Chubfuddler · 05/06/2013 20:32

Are you just going to ignore all the posts which explain why someone would keep their married name on divorce op?

DoingItForMyself · 05/06/2013 20:37

Cheryl Cole is probably, like many of the posters, mainly because she has been known professionally as CC for longer than she was known as Tweedy, so all the press, all her solo 'music' and her reputation (minus the GBH!) has been built on her married name. Her rise to fame on X Factor was as Cheryl Cole, so everyone knows her as that (even down to that ill-fated tattoo).

If Elton John suddenly changed his name back to Reg whatsit he might find that his back catalogue suddenly looked a bit less impressive too.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 05/06/2013 21:00

I have kept my married surname. It has no emotional meaning to me at all. I'm not trying to stay connected to xh or hankering after him. When I give my surname he doesnt even enter my mind.

I don't think of it as my xh's name, it's just a name. If forced to think of it in any kind if emotional way I'd say it's my dc's name. But really it has no associations attached to it at all, it's simply just a name.

I'm not reminded of my failed marriage every time I give my name just as I'm sure most unmarried people don't bemoan their unmarried status every time they give theirs, and I'm certain married people don't give their name and think smugly of their married status each time they do.

I might still change it. My boyfriend wants me to. Its not important to me at all but he actually cares one way or the other about it so I might let him win this one .

It's a massive faff though when you consider everything that needs to be changed. Passport, driving licence, bank accounts, bills, lease, premium bonds, insurance, tax credits, work details, school details, doctors, dentists, opticians, dc's savings accounts and child trust funds, details on all the companies you use to shop online and a million other things

LtEveDallas · 05/06/2013 21:20

I wouldn't change my name if DH and I divorced. I like my name, I like the way my signature looks, I like having the same name as DD and DSD, everything I do is in this name, and it's quite unusual whereas my maiden name is quite common.

It's 'MY' name just as much as it is DHs name - especially in light of the fact that it isn't DHs birth name, but the name of his (dead) stepfather.

I can't quite see the issue, or why a woman doing this would be considered to be still hankering after her ex. A name is just a name after all, it doesn't have any particular meaning.

'A rose by any other name...'

cjel · 05/06/2013 21:25

I married at 21 and left dh at 53. I have my dhs name, my dcs and dgs have the same name me and dh have. it is our family name,we will always be family and the idea that they should have my name because I gave birth and did most if the caring is really weird to me!! My name is special to me because it is mine.

skyeskyeskye · 05/06/2013 23:52

Maybe if I had been married longer I would have felt differently, but I was Skye X for 33 years and Skye Z for just 7 years. I only took his name because of marriage therefore if no longer married, I don't want it. It's not a question of being reminded of a failed marriage, it's being reminded of him full stop. I am no longer his wife, therefore I am no longer Skye Z.

But that is just my personal opinion and not an attack on anybody else who chooses to do differently.

HighInterestRat · 06/06/2013 00:08

I wouldn't choose to get involved with someone who had an ex wife and a family but if I did and the ex wife was still using her married name I would find it a bit odd. I know my stepmother (rightly or wrongly) took it as meaning my mother still had feelings for my father and it diminished her in her eyes as someone unable to move on, which wasn't necessarily the case.

It's about as much hassle to change your name back as it was in the first place but everybody seemed keen enough to do that.

fortyplus · 06/06/2013 00:17

It's only a label - I'll keep my married name unless I remarry at some time in the future. As far as I'm concerned my surname doesn't define me - I'm quite secure in myself and don't feel the need to change my name from the same one as my children. In fact I kept my single name for quite a while after my marriage. I could just as easily be Smith or Jones - it's just more convenient to keep my married name. I can't understand why anyone would think this meant I'm still hankering for my husband - how ridiculous!

Monty27 · 06/06/2013 00:25

I took my vows, I had to children and named them after my married name.

When we got divorced i changed the pronunciation

Exh hates that.

I did not want to have a different name from my dc's because they got their name from me. I probably wouldnt even want to change it until they change theirs. old fashioned

HaveToWearHeels · 06/06/2013 09:51

HighInterestRat It is actually more hassle to change back as you need to provide more documentation to change back than to change in the first place.

flipchart · 06/06/2013 10:06

There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your name as your children's after you have divorced whether it is 2013 or not OP.

Why can't you accept it's horses for courses. People do what they are comfortable with.
I have been at married name a lot longer than my maiden name and guess what, I like it and have no intention of becoming a 'Wilson' again.

lottieandmia · 06/06/2013 10:16

I'm divorced and kept my married name because it would be hassle to change it back and also I do want us all to have the same surname. I can honestly say that I'm not trying to hang onto my ex.

Weegiemum · 06/06/2013 10:29

Divorce isn't on the agenda here, but I think I'd probably keep my current name (though bizarrely though I was happy to change it at 24 when I got married, I'd not do that now at 42).

I've been an X almost as long now as I was a Z. My children all use our family name. My maiden name is a fairly common name, but my married name is unique - we are literally the only family in the uk with this name (with dh's parents and bil+family and us there are 11 of us!). I quite like the rareness factor!

Mil and fil split up when dh was 20 and his db was 19. Mil has also retained her married name - she got married while a student and all her professional life had used that name. Also, she always hated her maiden name and was glad to be rid of it. Now she has the same name as her sons, daughters-in-law and 5 grandchildren, which I think she really loves.

When my parents split up (much earlier) my Dad asked my mum to change her name back. He was very hurt as she had been having an affair with his best friend for several years. She agreed, reverted to her maiden name then took my Dad's ex-friends name when they married.

My opinionated 13yo dd says she's never changing her name!

Chubfuddler · 06/06/2013 10:56

It would actually be more hassle to change back than it was to change in the first place. When I got married in 2001 the Internet has we know it didn't exist. I didn't have multiple online accounts, I didn't have a credit card, I didn't have two children with all the multiplicity of records involving my details that they entail, I wasn't qualified in my profession etc etc. I had a driving licence and a bank account. They was it.

jenny99 · 07/06/2013 18:07

I'm in two minds at the moment....I would like to have the same name as my DCs but when I am referred to as Mrs XXXX I feel like my mil....and as someone said further up, if stbx remarries, I will share the name with her....

cjel · 07/06/2013 23:49

This thread s interesting. I was married 30 years from age 21 so have been mrs xxx for longer, I never considered changing but now wondering, trouble is all dcs and dgc have my married name and i like being associated with them.

Justfornowitwilldo · 08/06/2013 00:07

If I got divorced I wouldn't change my name. Why would I? It took me a good couple of years to get used to it but it's now very much mine. I've had it for most of my adult life. It's who I am. If we split up it wouldn't change that. A divorce doesn't magically erase all that time and reset you to the person you were pre marriage. It would feel as unfamiliar and wrong as donning school uniform again!

Justfornowitwilldo · 08/06/2013 00:11

If I could change anything it would be changing my name in the first place if that makes sense. I adore DH, but there was no need for me to change my name. It was just assumed by everyone, including me, that I would because that's what you do.

I already have the 'name of someone who clearly doesn't love (me.)' MIL!

FreakoidOrganisoid · 08/06/2013 08:43

It would be a lot more hassle for me too. When I got married all I had to change was bank account and passport. And even then I waited until my passport was going to expire(about a year later) and did a name change instead of standard renewal.

OneHandFlapping · 08/06/2013 08:52

I think it's strange, and tbh, slightly pathetic that women still change their name to their H's on marriage.

It's a complete loss of personal identity, and subhumation of the self of the woman into that of the man. What is more personal than your own name?

It looks particularly chattel-like if you have more than one marriage, and a string of surnames behind you.

""But I lurve him..." whine the name changers. Well if he loves you as much, let HIM change his name. Strangely that's something that very few men countenance.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread