WHY WOULD DIVORCED WOMEN KEEP SURNAME?

[Noddyandbigears]

I am really curious about this. I am married and have 2 children and I honestly think I would revert back to my maiden name if I was to divorce my partner.

When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts. Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!!

Thoughts?

[Nacster]

I'm not changing my name on divorce.

I didn't realise I was only borrowing it while I was being a good little wifey!

I like it. It's a good name. Living in NI, it is also a nicely neutral name, whereas my father's name placed me very firmly in a certain religious camp.

It's a bit odd to assume it's usually done out of spite or some other weird ass emotional motivation. Reverting to your old name requires action, and quite a lot of it. Remaining the same requires no effort and little explanation. I think it's possible that apathy causes more women to keep a name than spite.

[Sinned]

So you want to change it from one man's name,the ex, to another man's name, your fathers?

[SpringyReframed]

It has given me so much pleasure to revert to my maiden name. It is hard to describe in words but I am now me again and it has been a massive part of my recovery process. My children didnt mind at all. It has caused no problems whatsoever with school or anything like that. Loads of children have different surnames to their parents and no one bats an eyelid.

[CatDogAndMouse]

I kept my married name because my maiden name is awful!

DPs EW wanted to change their DCs surname. When he refused to agree she 'threatened' him that she would keep his name too if he wouldn't give his permission. And? Doesn't bother me or him what she calls herself. It did matter that the children kept his name.

She used a different name for DCs until the court dismissed her request.

[cjel]

donut glad you don't give a stuff about your ex but please who are you alluding to when you say we? I do give a stuff about my ex, violent abusive and cheat, but i still care about him and worry for him, just don't have to have him in my life any more. the phrase \i think she doth protest too much just came to mind!!

[Noddyandbigears]

Oh Jesus I give up.

[DonutForMyself]

But even that implies that we care enough to want to 'show him that we've washed our hands of him'. I don't give a stuff about my ex!

[Noddyandbigears]

THANK YOU cjel!! You have restored my faith in mumsnet!

My original post was a thought / a view etc, I put it out there as I wanted to know and understand all of your opinions and do you know what? its really made me think and change my original view. I honestly do believe that a lot of people keep the name for simple reasons such as being the same as their children, or just being used to the name etc. I really haven't meant to attack anyone, but it does make you wonder if some people DO keep the name as 'one up' especially as some people have really taken offence to the mere suggestion. I am telling you that my friend did just that - she honestly thought by keeping his name it was a way of getting to her ex's new partner. I doubt anyone would come onto this post and admit to that which is fine but I think we have to accept there are some people like that.

My original point was that if anyone did think like that then surely by keeping his name its not spiting him or his new partner its just spiting yourself and the whole 'kick in the face thing' was meant in the sense that by getting rid of his name would be one of the best ways to show him that you'd completely washed your hands of him. That was all I meant. However I accept this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone.

[cjel]

I am keeping MY name, its mine for 30 years, it makes me feel part of the family of my dcs and dgcs. Never considered changing it. not hanging on for spite or changing to 'show him' any thing/

I don't read anywhere that OP has dismissed my views or reasons but some of you are being very judgemental on OP. Some of you do sound a tad bit hung up!!!!

[Noddyandbigears]

No hang up at all then!

[DonutForMyself]

erm no, no hang-ups, I'm planning to change back to my maiden name when I can be arsed once I am actually divorced & so will have the paperwork required for an official name change.

However, if I don't get round to it for a while, it has nothing to do with clinging onto the STBXH (FWIW it was my decision to split up with him - obviously not an easy decision where DCs are involved, but mine nonetheless). I'm certainly not hankering after him or clinging onto him or trying to wind anyone up (he doesn't even have a new GF as far as I know) or any of the other crazy speculations that have been bandied about on this thread!

I am happily in a new relationship (DP has no worries about me keeping my married name as he says its a nice name and doesn't mind that I'm still technically a Mrs, which is the only part that bothers me).

STBXH's opinion on my name has no bearing whatsoever, the only people whose opinions mean anything in this situation are my DCs who all understand that if I change my name I will still be their mum and their dad will still be their dad and that as we double-barrelled our names on marriage we will both still have the same name as them.

If any of my 'friends' were speculating about why I might be keeping it for longer than necessary for any reason other than sheer laziness, I would think they didn't have much going on in their life if that was of any interest to them whatsoever!

[Noddyandbigears]

DonutForMyself where in my OP do I say 'I know exactly why they do it'???? I think you may have hang ups of your own...

[Noddyandbigears]

DonutForMyself and DioneTheDiabolist I say in my OP 'I can't help thinking...' - this is my opinion and I am then asking for yours! I haven't dismissed anyone!

Its a real wonder why people hate coming on this Mumnet isn't it?!

[DioneTheDiabolist]

You say it in your OP OP.

[DonutForMyself]

Noddy you say in the OP that you can't help thinking that you know exactly why they do it and have dismissed anyone who has explained many other perfectly valid reasons for keeping their married name (note it is THEIR married name, not their husband's name).

[Noddyandbigears]

TolliverGroat when did I say I didn't believe anyone? You are missing the whole point of this debate.

[TolliverGroat]

I have done, upthread quite a way. But you also said "I dont know why you dont believe that I am honestly curious!" and I felt free to state my opinion on that too: if you start off your thread by telling the people whose views you claim to be soliciting that you don't think they are telling the truth (effectively dismissing what they think before they've even had a chance to say it) then they are going to doubt your motives for asking.

[Noddyandbigears]

Tollivergroat - I am not going to keep going on about being curious. But even if I had a trail of ex wives all of which had kept my partners name - what difference does it make? It's an open debate and I'd like to know what everyone thinks - I've stated my opinion feel free to state yours

[MOSagain]

1. same surname as DC
   
2. all professional qualifications/practicing cert in married name
   
3. PITA to change everything

[TolliverGroat]

I suspect people doubt your genuine curiosity because your OP effectively said "Why do you do this? I think all the reasons women give are lies and it's actually for this other reason I've made up in my head. I've never actually been in this position myself, you understand, but I think I know what I would do if I ever were so that qualifies me to tell the rest of you who have been there how wrong you are."

This doesn't exactly scream "genuinely curious".

[Bambi27]

Agree with thereareeggsinmyviolin I believe that my 'married' name is now my family name the same as my daughters so would definitely keep it...I think!! I obviously don't feel we will get divorced so hard to know!!

[ThereAreEggsInMyViolin]

Noddy.
You don't come over as being curious . You come across as a bit angry about this subject but I don't know why

[ThereAreEggsInMyViolin]

Thankfully, I don't anticipate having to make this decision but if i did, I think I would want to keep 'my' married name. I would want to have the same name as my children and it would be easier.

Once you get married the surname becomes the family name and I wouldn't consider it the husbands.

[RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief]

My sister has been divorced 7 years and still uses her married name. I think it's just laziness tbh as she is terrble with paperwork at the best of times. Definitely not about wanting to stay connected to the ex- they have zero contact (no kids) and she initiated the split, albeit it was reasonably amicable.

[Noddyandbigears]

DioneTheDiabolist I dont know what to say - I dont know why you dont believe that I am honestly curious! My friends and I often discuss this topic with mixed responses so thought I'd see what you lot thought! Maybe my original comment was deliberately provocative...