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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

WHY WOULD DIVORCED WOMEN KEEP SURNAME?

160 replies

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 10:02

I am really curious about this. I am married and have 2 children and I honestly think I would revert back to my maiden name if I was to divorce my partner.

When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts. Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!!

Thoughts?

OP posts:

DoingItForMyself · 05/06/2013 14:41

Jimmy that's what I mean, your DC's have their dad's surname - why not yours? I'm not being accusing, just genuinely wondering, was there a discussion or any question about this, or was it just an automatic decision?

My DP's DCs were given his surname, presumably on the assumption that at some point he would marry their mum (they were engaged) and they would all have the same name. However, they didn't marry so now she has a different name to her DCs and if that were me, I would be a bit annoyed!

For me, knowing that I would go through the pregnancy, the breastfeeding & sleepless nights, be their main carer as toddlers, that I would be the one attending school meetings and the one filling in endless forms for tax credits etc with all their names on, the one applying for their passports and the one who basically does everything for them 90% of the time, I would want their name to reflect that.

Neither parent is 'better' or 'more deserving' than the other, but as the one who has literally done all the hard work, I would want their name to be mine and find it strange that other mums don't feel this way. Not judging, just saying.

PostBellumBugsy · 05/06/2013 14:45

I use my "married" name (even though I'm divorced) for everything concerned with the children and I have my "married" name on my passport.

At work, I am known by my maiden name - but then I never changed that even for the 7 years I was married. All my bank accounts are in my maiden name & all bills, tax stuff etc is in my maiden name.

Works fine.

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 15:12

DoingItForMyself - whilst you was slaving away filling in those forms who was out earning the money?

OP posts:

UniqueAndAmazing · 05/06/2013 15:36

"In any case, as other posters have pointed out, I don't have a name of my own to use. In the UK, you're either your father's possession or your husband's."

FFS that is not true! your name (regardless of its origin) is YOUR NAME
full bloody stop.

UniqueAndAmazing · 05/06/2013 15:39

I'm married, kept my name, child has a different name to me.
she also has a different name to DH.

jellybeans · 05/06/2013 15:45

I would keep it as would want to be same as my DC, including 2 who who stillborn, and all my academic certificates etc are in this name so would be alot of hassle to change. It's just a name really. Don't see the big deal.

jellybeans · 05/06/2013 15:46

My DC had my maiden name until we married though and then we all changed to DHs. In a way I wish I had kept my maiden name on marriage but would have caused furore amongst DH family even though it isn't even his bio fathers name so really ours should be something else!

DoingItForMyself · 05/06/2013 16:15

Noddy we both were. He was earning it as an employee, I was earning it by enabling him to work whenever, wherever, however he wanted/needed to without ever having to worry about childcare, housework, shopping, cooking, organising family activities etc.

When he was away from home for a month at a time he knew I was always here for the DCs. Oh and I was also running a business from home to help out financially, along with running a home single handedly for the best part of a year, but yes basically he has a 'proper' job so deserves to have his DC named after him

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 16:22

Being a mother is no doubt a proper job but I always hear women like you complaining that they think they are the hard done by ones. I would take looking after and seeing my kids every day over an office job any day. Over the years some women convince themselves they did all the hard work and end up bitter and twisted.

OP posts:

SgtTJCalhoun · 05/06/2013 16:40

I wish I hadn't contributed to this thread now because the OP is quite unpleasant and clearly has an agenda.

Cambam2010 · 05/06/2013 16:41

On seperating from my husband I d-b'd my name as I wanted to be me again but also wanted to have the same name as my ds. Fortunately my ds has my maiden name as his middle name, so all that's really missing is a little -

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 16:47

I do not have an agenda at all thanks. All I am doing is pointing out a fair argument. As women we all need to take a rain check now and again. I think having kids is a blessing don't use it as a stick to beat your husbands with.

Anyway I am interested to hear the feedback people are giving regarding name changes...

OP posts:

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 05/06/2013 16:47

I've often wondered this too. No way would I keep a man's Surname after divorce. It seems a destructive thing to do and suggests a hankering after a man they cannot have.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/06/2013 16:49

I changed my name once in my early thirties according to patriarchal custom, when I got married. But it became my adult name, and the name we gave to my 2 DCs, who I have a greater connection with than anyone else on this Earth.
Whatever happens between me and DH I think I'll be keeping my name as it is for the remainder of my days.
Plus once a woman's changed her name once she knows what a monumental PITA it is to do !
Odd as it might sound I don't especially associate the name with DH anymore, anymore than myself or the DCs.
Tis patriarchal though, obviously.
If I were to change it I've wondered about choosing the surname as far back as I can trace on the maternal line - And in any case am interested to find out more about my maternal lineage.

SgtTJCalhoun · 05/06/2013 16:49

Well I found your post to doingit quite attacking and I despise the saying "bitter and twisted". Have you noticed that its mainly used to describe women?

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 16:53

Yes 'bitter and twisted' is an irritating saying BUT by talking about taking someone's house and money is also fairly irritating wouldn't you say? Anyway I apologise for any attacking it might have looked like I did.

OP posts:

SgtTJCalhoun · 05/06/2013 16:54

Well I agree with doingit so make of that what you will.

PostBellumBugsy · 05/06/2013 16:54

Does keeping your ex's name have to mean you are hankering after him? Could it not just be for convenience sake?

When you get divorced & you have DCs it is all fairly nightmarish, there is so much to worry about (like a roof over your head, custody, finances & so on & on & on) that the name seems relatively insignificant.

DoingItForMyself · 05/06/2013 16:58

I don't recall saying I was hard done by, just that I felt that my link to my children was a large part of my identity, hence feeling that given a choice, I would rather they had my name than that of the dad they have spent very little time with over the years. Anyway, I've said my piece and don't want this to become a SAHM bashing thread so will sod off now.

DoingItForMyself · 05/06/2013 17:01

And the part about the house has also been explained... It is no more 'his name' than it is 'his house' or 'his money'. They belong to the family. Wasn't very well put I admit, but I have already explained that it was meant in a sarcastic way. I do happen to live in the house he has helped to pay for, not because I am a grasping gold digger, but because I have the children the majority of the time and he does not.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 05/06/2013 17:01

I can totally appreciate all of that, Post. We are all different. I would not want to be reminded of my failed relationship each time I gave my name. It would annoy me, I think! I find it odd that Cheryl Cole still has her ex hubby's name. I think she has a tat on the back of her neck reading 'Mrs Cole' too.

DoingItForMyself · 05/06/2013 17:01

Original poster

Noddyandbigears · 05/06/2013 17:03

The Cheryl cole thing is beyond weird! There really was no reason to keep that name he absolutely shamed her so publicly as well.

DoingItForMyself - completely understand where you are coming from now. Sorry to have got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 05/06/2013 17:04

I qualified in my profession in my married name. I am known to colleagues, clients and peers in this name. And I really don't like my father so I don't want to revert to his surname.

I'm definitely not hankering over my STBXH, I left him, we are divorcing at my instigation.

ProphetOfDoom · 05/06/2013 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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