Questino for you DHs: what do you do when you come home from work? BE HONEST PLEASE...

[PippiCalzelunghe]

...as I am really confused and cannot see anymore whether I am asking too much and being unreasonable of DH or if he has recently being engulfed in a time warp (sp?) and thinks he's is dad.
I know that most women will back me up but that is not constructive as I want to see it from the other side.
The marriage is quite new and we are both struggling in trying to define our roles I think.

Please could you specify whether your DW/DP is a SAHM and how many kids you have etc?

thanks in advance.

question and thinks he is HIS dad

apologies

Pippi - obviously I am not a man.

My sister and I have been having lots of conversations about this issue recently, as she and her husband are at each tooth and nail about what a reasonable domestic contribution from her husband is (or rather, might be ).

How many hours is your DH away from home per day and how much does he earn and what percentage of his energy does he expend on work? And do you think he is overall contributing as much to the household as you?

Those are the questions (difficult ones) that I believe need answering - not particularly whether or not your DH does as much as other DHs.

It's so hard... I fear my sister might yet get a divorce over this issue .

DH works 6 days a week. He gets home a 5pm and he plays with ds while I make dinner and then we all eat together. We usually all then sit around in the lounge playing with DS/chattinng until 6.30pm when DH takes DS upstairs for a bath while I clear the Kitchen.

Sometimes I read the story and put DS to bed sometimes DH does it. But he ALWAYS does bathtime. Can't remember the last time i bathed ds (2.6)

Anna yes it is hard as it is never a clear cut situation, I am very aware of this.
The issue is that mine (and Dh's no doubt)life has completely changed in the past 3 years so we are both trying our feet. We have discussed it but at the moment we are obviously going around in circles. That's why I am asking other dads. I'd like to see how other couple have balanced out their relationship/duties etc.

Connor do you work?

My DH does a good job in the evening. I cook our tea which the 4 of us have together. He loads the dishwasher and tidies the kitchen - much more efficiently than I ever would. He also gets our 2 boys ready for bed although we share the bedtime stories and we each put a boy to bed. I also don't bath the boys ever unless DH is out which is very rare. However, it is his time with them alone so it isn't just a question of getting a job done but having a chat as well.

Whilst he is doing that I am tidying up the lounge and sorting out washing and generally mooching around getting things straight.

He also empties all the bins and puts the rubbish out on bin night.

He doesn't do any cleaning, washing or ironing but then he works and I am a SAHM so that wouldn't be fair. However, I don't think either of us think it is fair if he came home in the evening and did nothing whilst I carried on with all the jobs all evening.

niecie are your boys school age? menaing: are the boys with you all day or are away for part of the day/some days?

I don;t want to comment as I don't want this to end up as a debate: I am looking for examples not what is right or wrong.

No I'm a SAHM

DW works a 4 day week, picks up DS (just over 1 year old) from childminder 2 of those days and I leave work early on the 2 others so she can stay later/go out.

On 'my' days I collect him, give him his tea (DW does almost all his cooking in advance though) bath him etc. If she's back in time she'll put to bed. On 'her' days I'll try and make it back in time to give him his bath and put him to bed. I can't imagine why any Dad wouldn't want to do that. I have a week night pint with friends roughly once a fortnight.

Whoever isn't doing bedtime sorts our dinner, but honestly it's 50% DW, 25% me, 25% M&S!

Whoever didn't sort tea does the dishes afterwards. DW does all the washing (God she moans about it too ) I clean the bathroom and hoover, but only at the weekends - and not necessarily every weekend.

Sorry for the epic but you did ask!

yes!!! definitely!!! please dinosaur. that will actually be very interesting as I have got a friend who is in this situation and believe me the logistics of the evening 'duties' are very very different.

He works until 6pm & if I haven't finished the dinner then he will finish cooking. We eat together & then he gets ds & dd ready for bed whilst I tidy the kitchen & do the dishwasher.

The he goes to the toilet with a newspaper He can be a while.

Then he heads off to the gym or footie or something. If he doesn't then he tends to watch tv or something.

There isn't that much to do on a daily basis really. I am a full time student & I usually tidy the kitchen after breakfast so I come home to a clean kitchen at least.

The rest of the house gets done once a week. We're not messy be nature I guess so there really isn't a lot to do.

dadada PERFECT!!! I did want an epic, thanks very much!!

Oh I am desperate to have my say but I'll have to bite my tongue for a while more.

DH is much better at doing bath and bed time. To me it's another chore but for him it's quality time with DS and he makes it lots of fun.

I just go over ds agressively with a flannel and skip pages with his story

"We're not messy be nature I guess so there really isn't a lot to do" ... maybe that's our problem - we are both very very messy - from one day to the next the house could look like a pig-sty. but never mind that.

I always do the washing & load the tunbledryer though, I forgot to add that.

I think dh does enough when he goes to work all day & he does help out at weekends if I suggest it. He will hoover & tidy etc.. he will not polish or iron. (I don't iron either though)

H and I used to both work full time so both did everything equally.

Whoever got in first would start the tea. One would do dishes and tidy up while the other did bath time.

H would think nothing of putting the washing on or changing the bed or whatever. Would also do the weekly shop.

I must admit I did most of the ironing and cleaning, but I tended to do that at weekends when H was out at football or whatever.

We never had any issues though. Both just put in equal effort and shared the tasks between us. Everyone always has things they don't mind doing and things they avoid like the plague. Just work that out between you.

Even when I was off for a year after having ds he would do his fair share. Obviously I'd have a lot more done as I had more time. But he'd still come in and cook the tea even if I'd been home all day.

If I'd have been married to someone who didn't do his fair share I'm not sure I could have put up with it. It's a joint house, the children are both of yours, so surely it's only fair that you both pull your weight equally.

If DW was a SAHM or I was a SAHD I would say the fairest way is for once the WOH partner gets home that chores are 50/50. You've both been working all day.

Mind you, I think it's only fair that the WOH partner gets more of the fun chores that involve decent time spent with the kids when they get in form work.

Also I think you've got to allow for people's individual strengths. DW is a better cook than me. I feel guilty I'm not more involved in what DS eats (I just whack whatever has defrosted in the micro and boil some rice or pasta) but I think we'd need to meal plan and DW isn't interested in doing that.

I have no defence on the washing but then she barely knows what a duster is for.

I work 3 days, DH works 5. He leaves at 7.15 am and doesn't get home till about 7m, chats to me while I bath DS, stays with us, reads stories or listens while I read, then stays with DS while he goes to sleep. I make dinner, he washes up. I do all clothes washing, 90% of the (very limited amount of) house cleaning, prepare all meals for DS, pick up and drop off at nursery. DH does his own ironing and takes DS every sat morning so I get time off. He does about 25% of the night wakings too. (DS is 22 months and has never slept through.)

DH works away quite a lot, but if he is around...

He gets home from work at about 7. Gives the children a bath (not every night) and puts them to bed. While he is doing that I cook our dinner. He and I will both tidy up after the children, and one of us will hoover living room. Depends on whether I'm still doing dinner by the time he comes down after sorting out the children. If I am busy with an assignment or revision or marking (I mark exam papers) or other stuff he will cook. But it is me usually.

BUT, in the morning, he gets up first and makes breakast for the children.

I don't work. I do the washing and housework stuff during the week (apart from evening tidying and hoovering - see above). At weekends we both do it. No organised rota though.

He is really bad at putting washing away though. We have words

i am currently sahm as on maternity and both children are bathed and pj'd when he comes in. He will do baby 's bottle if he gets in by 6.30pm if not i do it. baby them goes to bed (which either of us do). DP then takes dd to bed (4 years) and reads he stories. I sort out kitchen, dd's school lunch, general tidy etc and have bath - my work is now over for the day! DP makes dinner as good cook and turns on dishwasher. We take it in turns to get up in night to baby who still wakes but we do not feed him as he is 8 months. In morning, dp does dd breakfast and leaves for work. I do everything else for both dd and baby then we leave house at 8.30 for school and so on and so on and so on and so on