Questino for you DHs: what do you do when you come home from work? BE HONEST PLEASE...

[PippiCalzelunghe]

...as I am really confused and cannot see anymore whether I am asking too much and being unreasonable of DH or if he has recently being engulfed in a time warp (sp?) and thinks he's is dad.
I know that most women will back me up but that is not constructive as I want to see it from the other side.
The marriage is quite new and we are both struggling in trying to define our roles I think.

Please could you specify whether your DW/DP is a SAHM and how many kids you have etc?

thanks in advance.

Honoria - you are right, of course, the satisfactions of SAHMdom are largely dependent on money.

But it seems that Pippi does have some choices, fortunately, as to how she spends her days.

Just skimmed through what has been said since I went out, I have to say UQD is talking a lot of sense.

I am a SAHM, but I can't believe this bull crap about not getting time for a lunch break it seems enough of us manage to spend a good bit of time posting on here so obviously there are breaks throughout the day, maybe not consistently or timed but there will be five minutes when your DC is reading a book or eating their lunch (why not eat together??) or colouring or watching some tv etc etc when they dont need every bit of your undivided attention. (FWIW my DP rarely gets a lunch break, he probably makes the effort to go for a business lunch with someone once a week but the rest of the time he comes home starving, I'm always moaning that he should eat or take lunch or something)

You may not be totally childfree at any point but that's not the same.

Also WRT "he has been stressed at work, which stopped the minute he gets in the car" when DP comes home he is still stressed if not more so because as he leaves the office he knows there will be something or other that needs dealing with tomorrow that cant be dealt with today which pisses him off, so I can't agree that a WOHD's stress ends at hometime.

And lastly as the person who has to work out where every penny of our finances go with me not having any input except 'we need X' or 'the DC's need Y' or 'this bill came today' etc and not just work it out, but earn it and some days hate his job but know he has to go back to keep our whole family in the life we are used to, I'd imagine that he is still stressed about that too.

Anyway, to answer Pippi's question- when DH gets home he plays with the dc while I make dinner, then he baths them while I go on MN or something then he gets dc2 to sleep and I get dc2 to sleep, then he takes the rubbish out- that's quite an average evening for us.
On days off he washes the floors, tidies up and
may take the dc out to give me a break.

lol at fio fio, you have summed it up, spot on

DWTGOOB - I'm certainly not complaining, but I wouldn't say that I'm lucky in the jammy undeserved sense IYKWIM. Looking after two young children is usually very hard work, and DH understands that. So yes, I am fortunate to have a DH who is willing to do his fair share.

I agree Spawn-you have someone who appreciates what you do that's all. I don't understand the working partner/spouse who doesn't interact with their dc or help in the home at all.

My DH leaves the house at 730 and gets home at 830 if he's lucky, so during the week it's pretty much me on childcare (we have two under 7, one who has special needs). The tricky part is weekends, as for me that is a time for me to have a break as well. I consider my job to be as much of a job as his (in fact I know it is, as before motherhood I had exactly the same job as him so I definitely know that motherhood is more taxing). Luckily my DH is pretty good, and at weekends I give him all the jobs that are driving me absolutely mad (eg the dishwasher loading and unloading, cooking the kids' tea, doing the bins, doing baths.) The upside for him is that I cannot now sleep very late, so I do give him a lie-in at the weekend. Over the holidays things got a bit more heated between me and DH, as he definitely considered it a week off, yet to me the words "Christmas Holidays" are a bit of a joke as there is more work when the kids are at home, plus my two stepdaughters come for the week too! I think motherhood is a job too, so there need to be compromises.

Dp works quite a long week, with quite a bit of travel, and earns a good wage, but tbh does very little about the house. I work 4 days a week. He only really does something if I ask him... I get rather tired of having to ask, as then you get portrayed as the typical nagging woman! He does look after my dc's if I need to go out, I'm doing a course on Sat mornings so he looks after them, although he sometimes doesn't seem to remember making them any food ! He is reluctant to get involved with bathing or nappy changing as he says he feels uncomfortable about it as they are girls and not his own. I guess this is reasonable. If I go out in the evening, they have to be completely ready for bed so that all he has to do is put them there at the right time!

I think the childcare angle is complicated when your dp/dh isn't the father of your children. But there shouldn't be any effect on the housework!

I am a SAHM at the moment. We have a DS 2.3 and I am 8 months pg. DH works Mon to Fri, leaves at 7am and is home on average at 7.30/8pm. During the week I pretty much do all stuff related to DS including bath and bed time except on those days when DH is home on time and DS is up a bit later, then DH does bed time completely while I do dinner. If I've had a tough day or am feeling shattered and very pregnant then I sit on my bum and wait for DH to finish bed time and he will do dinner afterwards!
I do most of the housework during the day as and when I can. If I havent been able to get much of done during the day then DH will usually load the dishwasher before going to bed later in the evening without being asked. He doesnt do anything else though (and I dont really expect him to)
On a weekend we both look after DS, although DH makes more of an effort to as he hasnt really seen him in the week and I do most of the housework while they are playing together. If I ask him to then he will help me give the house a once over at the weekend when I've not had a chance to do much during the week and its built up.
I am pretty sure he will step up and help out a fair bit more for a few weeks once DC2 arrives.

VS - I completely agree, of course one gets breaks when one is at home with children - when they are very little they have naps and when they get older they entertain themselves.

There are things it really is difficult to do with very small children around (go to the cinema; store stuff in the attic or the basement; use a power drill) but I just work on the basis that I do anything (or subcontract anything, where appropriate) I am physically and mentally capable of doing and leave the (very few) remaining things for my partner to do when he has a moment (and generally it only takes him a few minutes once he gets round to it).

I am sorry but I disagree. can you read for an hour or more when with your toddler? can you have an adult conversation without being interrupted every three seconds? maybe when they sleep (mine doesn't anymore btw) but then there's probably something to tidy up (if nothing else the toys). when I went to work I had one hour each way on the tube where I could read something intelligent without interruption plus my lunch break during which I could go for lunch and eat in peace or go to the bank or do the shopping etc.

I am not saying being with preschooler is a hardship but it does not leave time for oneself. If yours does let you be happy then.

I think that depends very much on the child, and also the childs mood.

My 2 1/2 year old son has days where he will quite happily spend some time entertaining himself with his toys, for maybe 15 minutes or so. I can then maybe sit down with a book, but chances are he will then get the idea and get a book for me to read for him. He can happily play while I cook, fold landry, hoover or some other faily ACTIVE type of housework, the moment I sit down, he will climb on me and want attention.

Anna8888 - I honestly rarely get a break during the day with my DCs (DD is nearly three, DS is 18 mo). DD doesn't have any naps, and doesn't play for long by herself at all. In the 15 minute snippets of 'freedom' while she's playing, I have to try to cook or clean (or have some one to one time with DS).

another Dad here.. (just spent some time reading some of the other posts...)

anyhoo, typically I get home around 8:40ish (unless like today I worked from home (still working though..)) and typically get no chance to spend time with our daughter except to read her a book or 4 (she's only 10 months but seems to like grabbing and stroking bits of the books... ...and they only seem to make books for tiny people with 5ish pages so you can get through a fair quantity), then after that brief amount of 'quality' time I get to put her to bed.. ...this happens Monday to Friday.

Weekends I try and spend as much time with her (DD) and do stuff like cooking for the lovely (but short) wife and avoid tidying up (but that's something shared avoided by my wife and I..)

I generally don't eat when I get in so time together in the evenings seems to be a bottle of wine and the sofa (which is nice..). When DW was pregnant I'd come home and cook, etc.. ...now she eats with the tiny person long before I get home.

Eventually the plan is for my wife to work and me to stay at home as my line of work is much more suited to unsociable hours when 'normal' people are sleeping and it's something I can do from anywhere with a FAST Internet connection..

..on the guilty side I know I sometimes don't do enough when I am about but we TALK about it so it never becomes a problem. I'm very lucky that my wife is a VERY good friend indeed so things don't get out of hand.

Most things can be solved by talking... ...funny that....

..apologies for anything off topic..

To answer your question, Pippi, mine were at school/after-school clubs during the daytime.

It's taken me so long to answer because I have been out working this evening.

Maybe I just got my daughter used to the idea that I was going to read, go on the computer etc when she was around from the start... I don't have an answer as to why I do have plenty of time to read, think etc when others don't. Breastfeeding is very conducive to reading and being on the computer - does that have something to do with it?

DD is an only child and age 5, in Y1.

DH works 5 days a week. He tends to be in work around 8:30am and leaves about 6pm, to be home for 6:30pm.

I work PT, 3 days a week, 17.5 hours. I don't work Monday and Friday.

On my days off I tend to do most of the housework stuff - hoovering, cleaning kitchen and bathroom, tidying, washing, etc. I also sort out the online food shopping.

Re. DD, DH takes DD to school on the 3 days I work. He sometimes takes DD on the other days depending on what I have planned, but I try to do a couple off drop offs too. I collect DD from school 4 days a week at school end, one day a week from after school club. She gets a shower every other day roughly, so whoever is around supervises that. I take DD to swimming lesson once a week.

In the evening I prepare all the meals. I like to do the cooking and it is my choice. I like to have dinner ready for when Dh gets home, so we can all eat as a family at 6:30pm. DH always clears away and sorts the dishwasher.

We take it in turns, roughly - no counting, to take DD to bed, read story, etc. DH definitely does plenty of being with DD after work though, although we do only have about an hour before bedtime. And we spend weekends as a family, so he does lots with her then too. If parties are at weekends we both sort them out, often both of us dropping off and then going for a quiet drink together.

Re. housework, DH does all the ironing and, in the summer, he is the one who does the lawn and weeding. He is the one who makes sure the cars are washed too. Then if anything in the house needs doing at weekends we both pitch in together.

DH tries to go to the gym a couple of evenings a week which means he isn't in until nearer 7pm. One of those nights is DD's swimming night, so I feed her earlier and Dh and I eat together. Other day we just tend to have a later dinner all together, but something quite light, so DD can still go to bed between 7:30 and 8pm.

And I have always managed time out for me (not counting work as I don't count that as time out!). When DD was a baby I used her nap times. I could potter about doing housework when she was awake; sitting with my feet up and a cup of tea was when she was asleep. As a toddler she was always very good at playing by herself and occupying herself (still is), so I used these quiet play times as time out too. I would also meet friends with a child, so the children play and we got chance to sit and chat.

As for reading - I read in bed, as does DH, and that is when DD is asleep.

anna although I have got only one I think every child is different. maybe my next one won't be so clingy, who knows. I did breatsfeed too so i don't think that's got anything to do with it tbh.

I agree in DH not having to do much (if any) housework as as things stands now I think it's fairly 'allocated' (for a lack of a better word). I still think he should do the bedtime somedays though (regardless to whether I am pg or not).

Geekboy we do talk too and he is my best friend (unbelieavble I know as I've portraited him quite awfully in this thread). unfortunately not everything goes through the first time either way. Also before having another 'talk' I wanted to see if I was unreasonable or if there was ground for discussion.

thanks for all your answers. It really helped !

Anna8888 - I doubt BFing is much of a factor as to why some parents have more time to themselves. (FWIW I BFd both of mine, and still am BFing DS). I think it's mostly down to the temperament of the child(ren). e.g. as soon as DD could crawl she was climbing like a maniac . If I'd left her to her own devices we'd have spent all our time at A&E lol

The number of children, and the age gaps will also obviously affect how busy your day is.

And it probably makes a big difference if you have a cleaner too.

DH gets considerably more frazzled after a day with the DCs (even if I'm sharing 'childcare') than he does at the office. He has a demanding job, but ultimately he has a lot of authority and very little chaos to deal with.

Hmmm maybe it's equally down to the parent's temperament, and how well they cope with the frequent outbreaks of chaos and anarchy!

SpawnChorus - I know, it's really hard to pinpoint. And inevitably it also comes down to the parent's tolerance threshold - what might seem like an impossibly demanding child to one parent may seem quite manageable to another.

My daughter was a massive climber/jumper by the way... I just took all the chairs away to prevent her taking a running jump off the dining table .

You mean she couldn't get on to the table without a chair? Sheesh you had it easy! [competitive climbing emoticon]

it's def down to parent's temperament as well as child's, I agree 100%. my DD is an easy child by most people's standards I am sure. It's just that I do not cope extremely well with being needed all the time. say this morning we did drawing, we played with train set, we did puzzles, now (after what seemes a moment of peace when she pretended to sleep in her house) we will be cooking lunch for the teddies. It is because she is on her own too, when her friend is here I don't see them for a long time, although I know of other kids who are capable of entertain themselves for a while. I know this is not a big deal really as she is a very obedient and calm child (next one will probably be a climber who never listens so I'll learn not to complain to much ) but that's what gets to me and why I need a break at the end of the day.
(it took 20 min to write this post as I had to help out cooking the chicken, get the table for the piggy, find a plate etc etc)

I think part of it in your case pippi would be that you're not usually a SAHM? So for you and DD to be home together is something special to her and at the childminders she is used to total interaction whether it be from another child or the minder iyswim.
Whereas with those of us whose Dc's have grown up with us as SAHM's I suppsoe we've had to enforce some 'me time' to save our santity!
If DS was all ovewr me when I just needed to sit dow for a few minutes I'd tell him, mummys busy gimme five minutes, and he will, but that's what he is used to.