Questino for you DHs: what do you do when you come home from work? BE HONEST PLEASE...

[PippiCalzelunghe]

...as I am really confused and cannot see anymore whether I am asking too much and being unreasonable of DH or if he has recently being engulfed in a time warp (sp?) and thinks he's is dad.
I know that most women will back me up but that is not constructive as I want to see it from the other side.
The marriage is quite new and we are both struggling in trying to define our roles I think.

Please could you specify whether your DW/DP is a SAHM and how many kids you have etc?

thanks in advance.

I'n not a DH - I'm a DW - but I'll answer for him.

He gets in around 10pm - will spend 1/2hr or so doing his paperwork and eat his dinner, he'll then wash his dinner plate/cutlery and sit and watch TV. If DS3 wakes up before 4am he gets up and sorts him. ermm thats it for weekdays really LOL>

Weekends we pretty much split the washing up, bottles, hoovering, ironing etc - its just the cooking that I hang on to.

Pippi,

My house is a mess too

When I was on Mat leave and DH was out of the house 6 am -6.30pm I would do most of the stuff during the week, but he would bath DD most days and put DS2 to bed most days. We would share weekend cooking and cleaning.

When I went to work 3 days a week, I would do most of the clothes cleaning/cooking during the week, but he did bed and bathtime for DS2 and DD most nights. He would also do the dishwasher and help clear up. We shared weekend cooking and cleaning.

Now I work full time and he is away during the week.
He baths DD and takes DS2 to bed every night that he is home. As I have all of the childcare and housework during the week he makes sure that he takes the kids out of my way for at least a couple of hours at the weekend and everything is pretty much 50/50

should say that i bath the dcs BUT i only bath them every other night and sometimes every third night. i do dd's dinner and baby's.

Ah starlight, I couldn't look at that tree & lights laying there I'm afraid!!

We took ours down on Sunday, dh put them in the attic & I ran a hoover round the floor. Then I went & bought a huge vase & some fake flowers for the very bare corner... it's still tidy now!!

It might not even need hoovered until next week!!

Pippi - one is at school (7yrs) and the other isn't until September but goes to playgroup 3 mornings.

DH gets in at 6pm to dinner on the table and a clean house. We have dinner together, and then he takes over really while I potter around or do some work. Once the children are in bed, I sit in the room and read while they fall asleep. He will wash up and put laundry on etc. and then we both have the evening 'free'.

Dh works 4 days a week and i work 4 days a week, When dh gets home (around 6pm) he helps put the kids to bed and tidy up any toy's left on the floor. On his day's off he does washing and housework, i do all the cooking, food shop and bathing the kid's.
Dh thinks he does too much

Dh gets in at 5.40 or 6.20, and may finish off the tea or serve it out if it needs doing. Then he will wash up, take ds up and get him in pjs, read stories and call me to take over about 7 pm. He might then clear up the kitchen some more if he didn't have time before putting ds to bed. He will also sort a load of washing for the morning, and possibly fold / hang up washing / put clothes away if needed.

I think I am lucky and that this is quite a lot considering he has just got in from work. However it is his one chance to spend time with ds during the week, and I have normally been on the go with ds for 12 hours by this point, so I usually collapse on the sofa when he gets in.

We've got one son of 5 and a baby on the way. I work p/t (not many hours) out of the home.

oh he also does do the bins, recycling etc

and will help pick up toys etc if we have had friends round and I haven't had a chance

I agree with DaDaDa that once you're both at home in the evening/weekend, regardless of whether you work out or not chores should be shared as you're both working during the day whether or not its paid work.

I work PT and cos I spend more time with ds, when dh gets home (5.30) I leave him to play with ds while I wash-up, do tea, bottles etc.

We both share bath/getting ready for bed and take it in turns to take ds to bed.

Housework at wkends is shared but tbh i do more as I am a doer whereas dh is more of a thinker - doesn't bother me though as I don't do a great deal of housework anyway. Ie very rarely dust and NEVER iron.

I work 2 days, H work 5 days, dcs are 2 + 4
He gets home by 6, makes us both a cup of tea, then does bath, whilst I either tidy or sit in a heap depending on the day. We both do bedtime.
Evening cooking probably about 50/50. I do more tidying/life organising, he does all the ironing!
He also gets up with dcs if she's awake before 7/7.30 and takes them downstairs/gets them dressed/breakfasted. Then wakes me with a cup of tea before he leaves

He is fab

I have 2 dds - 5 and 1. Dh is a SAHD (not by choice).

I work 4 days a week. I cook dinner for us all every evening, do baths. Dh gets dd1 ready for bed while I settle dd2. She stays up with dad for 45 mins, then I put her to bed.

I do washing (no ironing - ever!), cleaning, hoovering is 50/50. I do most of the shopping (but it's also cheaper if I do, and we're broke!). Dh empties bins, tidies up, does manly DIY stuff.

When you have small children it's really easy to think the other one is slacking, that you're doing most of the work. Actually you're both working really hard, and neither of you is being appreciated for the 101 things you do.

I would just say that, as the one who is working away from home most of the time, I would definitely say that is much harder work looking after children. I come to work to have a break . I'm really grateful for all the 'me' time I get at work, while dh is constantly on the go at home. So I feel it's up to me to do loads of stuff when I get home so he can have a break (but he still has to do loads, there just is loads

If you think dh is unaware of what you do, let him do it for a day. When I went back after materntiy leave the first time and dh was left with dd1 (7.5 months) the first thing he said when I got home was "I'm so sorry, I never realised how hard it was, I should have been helping out more" - shame it only lasted 48 hours

franny your son goes to school alredy doesn't he? (only asking because not sure yet what age do they start in uk - DD will be 4 when she starts).

(congrats on pg btw - when due?)

atm, I want to cry... must be the pg though.

On one thing I want to comment at this stage if you may: I am glad in none of these post was mentioned how much the DH earns, either compared to a sahm or to the wife's salary, or what kind of job he does. I did not think that this would mamde any difference in re to how much he'd help around or not - I am glad you must all agree with me otherwiise it would have been a factor. or is it?

(apologies if it does sound like I am reseraching - but that's exactly it! )

Anyone who irons is buying the wrong clothes.

You know what Pippi, writing it down makes me realise that although I often think that dh doesn't do as much as me, he actually does a lot.

We just don't notice how hard the other one is working, 'cos we're too busy working ourselves!!

DD1 is just about to go to school, and I'm sure in a few years when dd2 is also at school we won't know what to do with oursleves. It's hard work - but only this intense when they are very small.

No it does't make any difference what he earns

Unless he spends it all on a small company of staff to look after the laundry/cleaning/childcare

(BTW I think if I had children at school I would expect to do more of the work in the evening, because I would get more natural breaks in the day-time, so that is a bit different.)

However if I was up the duff I would expect to be carried around on a silk cushion by DH while he does the laundry/cleaning with his spare hand.

no, we home educate
he would have started either in Sept or just now, but I am at home with him / working all the time except for one morning a week (today!) when I will often cook or shop, but often lie on the sofa and MN

dh understands to a great extent, he has done his fair share of lookign after him and knows it is hard work in its way!

oh and thank you I a,m due 4th july

DP and I work ft and have my 12 year old dd and his 20 year old ds.

He leaves the house at 6am and gets back at 7pm, I leave at 8.30 and get back at 6.

Generally, I cook and do the general day to day cleaning. DP does the 'proper' cleaning such as mopping floor, cleaning windows. Also do the laundry. Assign a list of chores to dd, dss and dp, such as cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the loo, hoovering the stairs etc. Spend time doing this in the week because I HATE spending time cleaning at the weekend.

DP or DSS take the bins out (boys job, that one).

I think I do the majority of the management of the day-to-day housekeeping; even if I don't do it myself I will be the one who notices that something needs doing and will ask it do be done. But everything is good natured and to be honest I am happy with this arrangement and don't feel a martyr. I do all of the cooking, which is best because I am quite fussy with how things are cooked, but I don't do the dishes or clean up after, and all evening I do not go in the kitchen again (dp is the one who makes cups of coffee, sorts out pudding, glasses of wine or whatever, and he also cleans up the detritus of the evening before we go to bed. He also is the one who locks all the doors and turns all the lights/TV out.)

DP also does all grocery shopping and driving/dropping kids off and collecting.

Think it works our all ok, and as I say is all very good natured, we know that the chores have got to be done so do them as quickly as possible in order to relax! This system works well for us and I suppose that is the point.

fondant, I am going to write down now what DH does and see for myself, although I am getting the picture already and I know where I was right and not and that I was not going mad!
I will post it here later and see what you all think.

DP works mon-fri, leaves the house at about 7:15 to drop DD at the childminders ready for school(we moved and didnt want her to change schools).
He gets home at anytime between 4 and 6:30 depending on meeting etc.
When he comes in he gets changed, checks his emails and forums and stuff with a cup of tea and talks to the DC's (DS3 and DD7) whilst I do dinner, we all eat and then he baths them whilst I do the kitchen, and dining room etc. DC's spend about half hour ish with us talking/playing/reading then go to bed.
We relax.
However, at least once a week DP will cook dinner and I get to chill out with no kids clambering over me in the bath, oh and he puts the rubbish out once a week.

The weekends though he doesnt work, so he lets me lay in on saturday and cleans the kitchen and hoovers the house (I never hoover, ever.)

Sundays, again I get a lie in, and when I do get up downstairs will be tidy, so I do a cooked breakfast, after that he clears the table and I wash up.

Throughout the week if I ask him to do anything (though I do most of it when he is at work as I am a SAHM), eg put the washing in the dryer he'll do it, no complaints but he takes so long it's quicker to do it myself.

DH and I both work but I only work 3 days a week. Our DD is 17 months. Two days a week DH gets home first (at 6pm).

On those days I do not see DD in the evening so DH does everything (bath, PJs, bottle, bed). On the days that I get home first (or am not at work at all) DH does not see DD so I do everything.

At the weekends we do the evening routine together.

Once DD is in bed we always cook together (every night) and DH always stacks and unstacks the dishwasher.

DH gets home 8/8.30.

I will have already fed the DC and they are usually in the middle of the bath/going to bed routine. I then make supper for us - usually reheating what DC had and we eat. DC are reading in bed. Then we say goodnight to DC and they turn off lights.
Watch TV or chat then off to bed.

When DC were smaller I would do the whole bed/bath routine on my own. There was a very sad stage when they would be asleep by the time they got home and he would not see them in the evening .

Price we pay for the job DH has and the money he earns.

"I am glad in none of these post was mentioned how much the DH earns, either compared to a sahm or to the wife's salary, or what kind of job he does."

The money is completely irrelevant. You're either a partnership or you're not.

I can see that some jobs might leave you more exhausted than others. But personally, I feel like going to work is a break in comparison to childcare and know that DW feels the same.

To clarify I am the one who does the laundry, but everyone in the house does their own ironing (including the kids). I am NOT spending hours ironing other people's stuff!