Questino for you DHs: what do you do when you come home from work? BE HONEST PLEASE...

[PippiCalzelunghe]

...as I am really confused and cannot see anymore whether I am asking too much and being unreasonable of DH or if he has recently being engulfed in a time warp (sp?) and thinks he's is dad.
I know that most women will back me up but that is not constructive as I want to see it from the other side.
The marriage is quite new and we are both struggling in trying to define our roles I think.

Please could you specify whether your DW/DP is a SAHM and how many kids you have etc?

thanks in advance.

Well for me, I work full time, DW works 4 days a week. She works 8 til 5 and I work 9 til about 7. I drop off DS each morning at nursery (except when on her day off). She picks up each evening. I sort out breakfast for all of us while she sorts herself out for work. We usually have one evening out per week with friends each and we swap on hers so she can go straight out from work and I can get in early.

Usually get back about 7.30pm and, if DS is still up I'll join DW and DS in bathing/ reading/ general hanging out upstairs. DW generally puts DS to bed while I go down and cook dinner (which I'm good at and she hates). DW comes down and watches some TV while I cook and after we eat she washes up and cleans the kitchen (which she's good at and I hate) while I mill around aimlessly/ chat to her/ watch TV. DW might then sort out/ hang out washing. We then collapse on sofa with wine before dragging ourselves upstairs at some point.

Boy oh boy do our lives sound dull! Honestly they're not that bad and we're each out one night Mon-Thurs but you did ask!

Obviously, this excepts evenings where I'm away travelling, child is having a scream-a-thon. Weekends we pretty much share 50:50 apart from cooking and cleaning stuff.

morningpaper

Pippi, it may be worth considering that the men who post on Mumsnet may not be a representative sample.

We are, of course, all saints polishes halo Except Unquiet Dad. He has a harem of comely female politicians who attend his every whim.

dadada I know that, you lot are all great . Point is DH was a mumsnet type of man (without the mumsnetting bit) but something has happened to him recently (his dad passing away? midlife crisis? moving to suburbian london surrounded by golf courses ? all the above?) which has somehow changed his view of houshold arrangements into those of a 18century lord of the manor (more of that later). I am not sure whether I should let it pass for now or halt it now before it all collapses IFSWIM.

I'm a SAHM.

Dh gets home around 4.45/5pm on a normal day. Is very hot here, so he is starting early/finishing early.

On a normal day, when he gets home he goes into the garden & potters around out there, or reads the paper, with a beer or cuppa, dd will go join him. I use this 30 or so mins to sit & have a cuppa, much needed at mo as 13 weeks pg & very hot here.

Then I will start dinner, usually they are both still outside. Unless we have a BBQ, he cooks then.

After dinner we have a rest/play as a family, may take the dog to the beach for half hour.

Then I do bedtime wind down [bath, story etc] while dh does the dishes.

We don't do a whole lot in the evening, but at the weekend he will help with chores/dd. So we do as much as each other. Actually, that's a fib...dh has been known to do more than I!

What age are your kids Pippi?

I am a SAHM and Dh works full time, He gets in at about 5-5.30pm and I am normally in the middle of doing dinner. He often takes over or will chat to the kids (we have 5!) until dinner is ready.

We all eat together nearly every night.

Bathtime is 6-6.30pm and bedtime for the 4 younger ones is 7-7.30pm.

Dh does about 25% of bath and bedtime but ds1 is still breastfed so it's usually easier If I do them all at the same time.

The 12 year old is in bed by 9pm after making us tea

I tidy up the kitchen usually before bathtime if not then Dh will do it.

At the weekend, he always gets up on sat about 6am and does the weekly shopping! I haven't done it for about 4 years now

He will usually take the baby with him so I get a lie in and then come back and cook breakfast.

I hoover but thats because I am fussy, Dh hoovers upstairs occasionally. I do the washing, we both do ironing. Cooking is 50/50 but he is better at it

My DH and I are a little unusual, in that we both work from home. He has a garden office, and I have the study.
This is how our day goes:
DH wakes up around 9am. Then the kids are already up and out of the house. He gets his breakfast and puts the coffee maker on, then he disapperas to the garden.

We have family dinner around 5-6pm when the kids are home from schoo/nursery/activities. I cook, mainly from scratch, and tell him when dinner is ready. Daddy enters through the garden door. Eats, helps clean the table, but there really is no need, as we have an au pair. So, he will then go play with the boys while me and au pair clears up after the meal. He and I are with the boys for a bit, then AP makes sandwiches and the boys eat while watching 15 minutes of tv. Then it is bed time and I take them up, get them washed and ready for bed, and he comes up and do story time and put them to sleep. Meanwhile I sort laundry and tidy up after the day. AP's "shift" finnishes around 7pm, so she is probably at the gym, or seeing friends by then, or on facebook.

I continue working (and mumsnetting) till around midnight, then I go to bed. DH continues working till around 4 am, then he comes to bed.

It is an epic, sorry. I do most of the work, I cook, I clean, I do the laundry, home work and music, I bring DS1 to tennis, to karate, entertain playdates, and I have 2 days where I am with DS2, we go to monkey music, we go shopping, we see friends, toddler group, etc, as I work 3 full days, and 2 half days.

My husbands duties? He takes the rubbish out on a friday, and may just generally help out a little with stuffing dishwasher, he does his own ironing, and can put the coffee maker on. I dont mind this, as we are both working our asses off to make our household run smoothly and to have enough money for food and nursery fees and the AP which is a necessity for me.

DH works 5 days a week, leaves at 7 in the morning and is generally home by 7.15 in the evening.

I am a SAHM to 2, 1 at school, 1 at preschool.

I try to do all the housework, washing, ironing during the week, cook tea and generally bath the kids though DH will help if I ask him. The only job that DH actually does week in week out is empty all the bins, recylcing bins etc.

At the weekend if anything needs to be done he will help, he isnt one for sitting down watching me do stuff, but I generally try to get everything done during the day time in the week.

dadada DD is 2.6 and we've got one on the way beg of april.

I wrote a long post which the pc decided it was not appropriate and shut down.

This is us really:

Pippi: 6 months pg, on leave from p/t work from dec as overworked and stressed (two hours commuting with dropping off and collecting DD from childminder). start mat leave in march. DD goes to childminder still three days a week from 9.30 to 5.30.

DH: leave home at 7.15 and comes back between 6 and 7.

what would you think would be reasonable for him to do? I do not want to give any more info or opinions as I really want to be fair on him and not sway you in thinking like me. please go ahead.

we're a bit odd too in that we're both freelancers, working in London which is too far a commute, so 1 of us stays in town,...hence I don't see dh Mon-Fri. We have an AP but it does mean dh has to do everything I do. He cooks (beautifully), cleans, irons, does the kids, whatever has to be done really.
There's only 2 things he doesn't seem to be able to do...
1/ Forward plan the kids activities..i.e do they need football boots / karate kit / etc.... I leave that organised on a Sunday night for the AP to hand out.
2/ DIY!!! My job!

pippi
It's reasonable for your dh to do..whatever has to be done when he gets in!!
If you've managed to do everything during the day,..yipee he can sit down. If not, he'd better pick up that hoover
I can't be doing with dp's who think that they can sit down in front of the t.v whilst dw carries on cooking, washing up, doing the kids etc. If this is a problem, try sitting down next to him and saying you've finished work for the day too.....

DP isn't a mumsnetter so I'll answer on his behalf.

He gets home, gets changed, I make him a coffee and he plays with dd for an hour or so as I am quite looking forward to a break from her by the end of the day. If she's not yet been fed I'll do her supper but he supervises her, feeds her, sits with her, cleans her up etc. He usually tidies the sitting room while they play.

I potter. I might finish some chores but I might sit glazedly on MN for an hour.

We share bathtime, but he does most of it really. I'm just around for the company. He washes her, dries her, gets her milk and puts her jarmies on. He usually tidies her bedroom while doing it.

He reads her a story and puts her to bed.

I cook supper.

He loads the dishwasher / sometimes does a bit of washing up.

So, mostly dd stuff - it's not a chore for him as he's not seen her all day (I mean, obviously he gets tired too and we all feel like flopping on the sofa and doing nothing some days, but it's really a team effort once he's home).

Pippi there is no definitive answer. At six month's pregnant, it depends on your health and wellbeing. Some people are BRAINDEAD at six months' pregnant, and some are positively BINGING with life and energy.

You have three days a week which are child-free, but what you are able to do depends on your health.

Pippi, you ask what is reasonable for him to do, based on the fact that he works, he is out of the house 5 days per week, till 6 or 7. You dont work, but has your child with childminder 3 full days per week, and has your child 2 days per week. Thats a tough one.

On those two days you have your child with you, I would expect him to maybe help clear the table, and assist during bed time?

im a sahm my dh is a floorlayer and works very hard he comes in collapses i make him a cuppa then he plays with lo also my dh bathes lo every night well they get in together .

he cooks a few nights a week will iron if i ask him too

he will clean the house in top to bottom if he gets in the mood

he hoovers most days i hate it so he tends to do it

he also does all diy im useless

Pippi, Its shouldn't be a matter of you telling what you expect to be done although I accept that some men do need to be asked ect...

It depends on lots of factors such as: Is dd still up when daddy gets in, do you all eat together? Does your dh have any work to do from home in evening? Is there anything left to do in the evening (laundry ect..)
Does he work weekends?

DW is a SAHM, we have 2 kids (13 and 9).

When I come home (6.30-7.00) I change, make a cup of tea for two, sit down in front of the t.v and talk to DD/DS about their day whilst dw carries on cooking. Eat in front of TV, then run a bath for the children, get them upstairs and ready for bed. Then chat to DP/watch TV for an hour or so.

In the morning I get breakfast for DS and self and walk him to the bus stop, before the rest of the house are awake.

DW does 80% of the washing (I do all folding and putting away of the laundry). Nobody irons. I empty and fill the dishwasher about half the time. If any hoovering gets done, I do it. DW does most of the shopping. I do most of the child care at weekends (cinema, transport to events, walking to choir etc).

Pippi, personally, I would say it depends on the day. I too am due in April, and feeling like shite, I do have DS at home all day every day though.

IMO, you should try to get the majority of the housework done as you are home, he is not, and is working long hours.

But when he gets home, if most days there isn't much for him to do then the days you have felt really awful, 1)there is less likely to be things to do cos youv'e doen them the rest of the week and 2)anything that isn't done you can either ask DH to do when he gets in or leave til the next day.

For one person working full-time and the other not, it isn't fair that the chores etc should be split 50/50, but adding the pregnancy on top of that then he should expect (and want) to help out where he can, it really doesnt take 5 minutes for him to clear the table whilst you clean the kitchen after dinner for example, but it will make you feel like you're doing less and get it done that bit quicker. Leaving you both free to relax once it's done.

Weekends,if he isn't working, split it 50/50.

Agree with Victorian Squalor (Type "squealer" then!)

If dd is out of the house all day, there can't be too much stress on you, so I'd imagine that you can get the house clean and dinner on the table by the time he's back - what's left depends on how you are feeling, I would imagine (or if you are asleep!)

Reading between the lines, is he sceptical that you're off work because of stress?

LOL, that's probably true dadada, tbh I don;t think anyone (male or female) that hasnt suffered at all during pregnancy can understand how truly horrendous you feel some days or how unhealthy it can be for you to get overly stressed out etc.
DP has been amazed at how horrible this pg has been for me with hyperemisis and still being sick at 27 weeks, constantly falling asleep during the day but being up all night etc etc, if he hadnt witnessed it he'd think I was exaggerating and using it as an excuse to be lazy, it's even worse if bthere are no obvoius external signs you're so bloody exhausted after doing what seems to the like 'nothing!'

I think you need to explain to your DH just how shit you feel some days and that you don't always feel able to do the hosuework etc, but make an effort to do as much as you feasibly can and then when you need him to step in he'll probably feel much better about doing it.

true it's hard with more info. here is it then how I think it should be and you tell me whether I am a reasonable or not.(marriage/coupledom is a funny thing and unnables to see things properly - my pre DHself would be screeming in anger at this point!)

morningpaper I am fine at 6m pg. I get tired a bit at times and have to rest for a bit and obviously after a long day but generally I am as good as before.

The days I am without DD I don't expect DH to do ANYTHING except for checking dinner and set the table while I give her a bath/do bed time routine (he's wellcome to do it but I don;t mind doing it as I've had time to relalx my mind and I miss her etc).

However on the other days when I have been with DD all day and as Broccolispears said "I am quite looking forward to a break from her by the end of the day" I expect him to do the bath (if home on time) or do whatever is left of bedtime while I cook or finish the cooking. This would only be two evenings a week. Basically I expect him to take DD off my hand till she goes to bed to give me a chance to get things ready and to give me a much needed mental break. DD goes to bed at 8 so it'll be about an hour and a half at the most.

Also at the weekend I'd expect to have one day allocated for my lie-in and one for him; him to be able to spend time with DD IN THE HOUSE which does not involve me, so that I can be the one sitting and reading the paper while watching them play and say 'ahhhhh you are soooo lovely together!'

I do not think I should ask for more as we have a cleaner once a week who does the mopping hoovering dusting etc and I have got plenty of time for me etc.

your vote.

that sounds reasonable Pippi

I would have thought he would WANT to be with his daughter?

As soon as Number 2 is born you are going to have 100% child EACH so he needs to get used to that now

I so need to assert myself more at home.

I work 4 days a week, dh works 5. We both leave the house around 8, I drop off dd at nursery, I also pick her up. When I get home I generally unload dishwasher/washing machine and play with dd. He gets home 6:30ish, we bath dd together and put her to bed. I then cook dinner, clean up, do internet shopping order or meal plan, while he faffs. I do all the cleaning except the hoovering, all the washing, all the cooking, all the shopping, all the 'admin' plus I look after dd one day a week. He does do DIY and put the bins out. And I'm 6 mths pregnant.

I'm sure we used to be a team when we had no children and both worked fulltime - what the hell happened??