Questino for you DHs: what do you do when you come home from work? BE HONEST PLEASE...

[PippiCalzelunghe]

...as I am really confused and cannot see anymore whether I am asking too much and being unreasonable of DH or if he has recently being engulfed in a time warp (sp?) and thinks he's is dad.
I know that most women will back me up but that is not constructive as I want to see it from the other side.
The marriage is quite new and we are both struggling in trying to define our roles I think.

Please could you specify whether your DW/DP is a SAHM and how many kids you have etc?

thanks in advance.

ladylush in a way you are right in that it does not set the right example and I speak for personal experience. because of daily househelp none in our family was expected to do anything at home (except for mum of course). although it was a joyous way of life then one of the reason we struggle now is that DH and I both start from slob/unorganized premises. which obviously brings conflict. we both changed a lot since then and I myself have got a few new year resolution to keep tidy and be more organized but so should he.
for this reason I hope that regardless for cleaner or not cleaner I'll be able to teach my DDs and DSs if have any to do be responsible. I remember being a right spoilt b*ch complaining that the cleaner hoover would disturb my 11am sleep! Maybe I am paying for that!!!

well then anna my hat to you for not needing a break from DD after such day.
although not sure that the DH's 'frazzleness' is worth more than yours or mine just because he brings (more)money in.

and as for master/servant yes it makes me go all xenia too. although realistically if one works in the office and the kids and house are taken care by someone else and one has plenty of time during the day to do pleasurable things it is not unreasonable to expect the one who's working to relax when he is at home. say today which although I have cleaned and done laudry/dishes etc has been spent talking to you lot would be unreasonable for me to expect DH not to relax when he gets home.
obviously honesty should be the key.

the men have gone....

Maybe they've gone to do some hoovering

Pippi - we are all different. I am not frazzled at the end of my day/week (or rarely), my partner generally is.

Like I said, if you are frazzled at the end of your day and your partner is too - could you not get some relief for you at some time in the day? Or could you (re)organise your day/life to make it less stressful?

Personally, I find just one morning of cleaning help (on a Monday morning) makes a huge difference as it galvanises me into action to do all the laundry so that it can be ironed, to tidy so that the flat can be cleaned etc.

I think we all struggle with the work/life balance tipping over the edge of reason after having kids.
I work 3 & a half days a week my DH works full time.
Like most others we seems to have adopted certain stereo typical roles. I shop, cook, clean, sort out finances etc. He takes the bins out, mows the lawn, does all DIY!

But on a day to day basis he normally feeds our DS2 and gets him dressed while I am faffing getting ready for work. And does bath time & puts either DS's to bed.

He will change bed sheets, wash own work clothes, come to supermarket, do dishes, hoover etc etc when prompted - my biggest bug bear is him always making his packed lunch in the morning rather than doing it the night before!

lol ladylush

I think the rant has scared them off.

anna yes if I do not get time on my own I get super stressed (worried about newborn stage once again). maybe I should organise childcare so that she goes half day everyday rather than 3 full days.

but I think I get more super stressed at the thought that it is implied that everything about everything is on my shoulder (and I mean everything) and DH's is just work. maybe I am just not confortable with this idea and never wanted a marriage arranged along these lines (no offence, just not me). so must work on reorganising it!

hi twin

Pippi - look on the bright side - you don't have to actually physically do everything yourself around the house (because you can afford childcare, maybe some cleaning etc) but you get to manage and decide what and how gets done. You're the boss .

So try sitting down and writing down your ideal scenario - maybe that is half a day of childcare every day, or a cleaner all day on Monday or whatever. Make sure you do all the boring shopping on the internet (carrying shopping is just a waste of energy with babies/toddlers), make sure you have a window cleaner, a reliable clothes mender and dry cleaner. Having all the little services organised and available at the drop of a hat makes a huge difference to your state of mind, that feeling that there are so many boring things to do.

anna it is true . being organised is def the key with DC. so I am heading that way. we shall review myself in a year time and see.

now really must go and do some clothes-folding or I could not leave with myself with guilt for day spent on my butt.

I'm not scared, I haven't gone!

I think it all depends to a great extent on what you agree. And, indeed, if you ever do. If one of you would rather be out there earning all the cash and - note - TAKING THAT BURDEN OFF the other one, and the other is similarly able to be at home and relieving the working partner of the bulk of the household chores... if it works for you... why not? We know plenty of couples where it seems to be the case.

But it shouldn't be assumed. Not saying it needs a written contract, but people do need to sit down and talk about it.

Let's be honest, many of us just can't work like that - the arrangement doesn't work financially or for other reasons.

I do think it is often under-estimated on here just how huge the burden and responsibility of being the single earner is, and some posts I read on here don't seem to appreciate enough quite how lucky they are not to have to go out to work. For it to be a lifestyle option you need to be pretty comfortable, and your partner needs to be pretty secure in his job. Not just the work itself but all that surrounding crap about getting to and fro - where you get up at 6am in the dark to de-ice a car and so on.

Hi twin to you
To me it seems like no-one said it was going to be easy but also no one told me it was going to be so damm hard too.
The biggest shock esp was loosing time. Any time for you, for you and your DH, any time to take the time for doing nothing. I really still find it a challange that I have to plan leaving the house about half and hour before we need to leave because of getting shoes & coat on, potty trip, spare clothes & nappies, check & double check have I got phone, keys, purse etc - last minute tantrums.
I get very jealous that my DH can just walk out the house and say bye!
If I were you write a list of whats most imp to you and work out how many can really be done.

that should read 1/2 an hour - not 1/2 AND hour... that would be madness. Although sometimes it is!

UnquietDad - hear hear. I completely agree about the burden and responsibility of the sole earner, and I think that SAHMs or SAHDs need to remember that. And to revel in their own freedom to structure and manage their home and family life as they see fit, rather than complain that they aren't getting enough help (this is a mindset issue ).

You're the boss

but only of the crap boring stuff apparently

bad luck

UQD it is true that is often underestimated how stressful and hard must be to be the sole earner and to think that the present and future of your family, esp kids, rests on your shoulder. I certainly can see that weighting on Dh's mind (when/if I will stop bringing a salary in) especially since his father passed away.
I can understand it but would not know it unless something happens and it will rest on my shoulder. That's why I addressed the question to you dads. because I agree it's generally not a matter of physical tiredness but mental in both cases and it is very personal.
like pippy I find it very hard having to be someone elses property for 12 hours and not be able to be free to go and have a bath without first having to book the slot, advertise it on a megaphone and organise activities for the all household for that half an hour. I did not find it this hard having two jobs and doing a degree fulltime. I too envy DH for being free while driving in the car, while having lunch, while pottering in the garage. That's why I found newborn stage the hardest as I felt quite trapped (hopefully it'll be different next time) and found relief in those 3 days at work, which I always so as break.
but not everyone is like me, thankfully.

I am just not sure DH tries to see it from my point, that's what bugs me. you are right in that we need to discuss the type of marriage we want/can have.
I also know I am lucky in that I might have a choice.

Let's be honest, the older they get the more freedom you're going to have. Once they get to school full-time, you've got 6 hours a day to plan as you see fit.

It's no wonder a lot of working dads get the impression that their wives are drinking coffee and going to the gym all day, because if someone doesn't need to get dressed until 10am, doesn't have a boss breathing down their neck or a report needing to be delivered by X deadline, it can seem like a whole different world.

One of our SAHM friends makes her DH get up an hour before her so she can have some "me time" because... wait for it... "he gets a lunch break and I don't." DW and I both had the "FFS what planet is she on?" reaction. (I didn't quite go as far as to say "her whole life is one long lunch break", but I could have done.)

...but because I have such choice let me take it. the day, god forbid, I won't I'll shut up and pedal, as I did in the past.

MP you saidin 3 words what I couldn't in a million.

UQD if she's got any kids not at school I do agree with her I am afraid.
I used to think like your wife but now I don't. plenty more breaks at work (and mine had very few) than at home with infants/toddlers.

This sort of thread seems to spell out to me the worst parts of the SAHM arrangement. Fair enough if that if you enjoy it, but the whole thing sounds grim to me. The idea that you take on the whole boring home domain 24/7 in exchange for some free hours during the day while he swans off having a high-flying career and earning a nice fat salary and pension while you slave away doing physical labour to make his free time empty of the detritis and chores of everyday life AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH

Fair enough if you like that sort of thing, obviously

Most people I know who work in offices/hositals/schools don't get proper lunchbreaks, not any more.

But the nice fat salary and pension is yours to take advantage of too - without working. Not a good deal? Some people would kill for it!!

Yes I know UQD

I have to shut up now or will incur wrath

"he swans off having a high-flying career and earning a nice fat salary and pension while you slave away doing physical labour"

although I agree with you I must say this is not our case. DH would not consider his career high-flying and glamorous and would stop tomorrow to be a fisherman (say) if he could, he does it only for the fat salary. he's so unorganised not to have a pension, which I have, and I do not do much physical work either (would always do min required as find almost zero pleasure in being a 'home-maker') I am not that inclined and never will be. However I'll consider myself lucky if because of DH salary and going to work I could have the pleasure of doing an MA when kids at school say.