Questino for you DHs: what do you do when you come home from work? BE HONEST PLEASE...

[PippiCalzelunghe]

...as I am really confused and cannot see anymore whether I am asking too much and being unreasonable of DH or if he has recently being engulfed in a time warp (sp?) and thinks he's is dad.
I know that most women will back me up but that is not constructive as I want to see it from the other side.
The marriage is quite new and we are both struggling in trying to define our roles I think.

Please could you specify whether your DW/DP is a SAHM and how many kids you have etc?

thanks in advance.

Pippi, if your dh is anything like mine he is seeing this period as a short moment of kicking back before all hell lets loose when dc2 is born!

When I went on maternity leave my dh saw a small window where he could lie-in, drink beer, watch movies till 2am, pretend the house and dd1 did not exist and become almost Homer-esque in his lifestyle.

Admittedly he had been looking after dd2 full time for 3 years and was absolutely knackered!

We both knew that things would change when dd2 was born, and I'm sure your dh is expecting all het to be let loose when your dc arrives.

There is a mismatch in the lead up to the birth. Us mums want to tear the house apart and clean every inch, our dhs and dps want to drink beer and pretend they are at college again.

I don't think what is happening now necessarily means this is what will happen after the birth of your dc. He will simply have to take on mor re dd1.

When dd2 was first born I tried to do everything - bathtime, bedtime for both etc. It quickly became clear that to get things done fast so we could both relax, we needed to separate the tasks. That way there was no crying, kids in bed by 8pm (for an hour at least!) and everyone getting more sleep and less stress.

I'm sure it will work itself out of its own accord, I wouldn't put too much pressure on change now (except gently suggesting that dd1 might like to blow some bubbles with him while she has a bath, or she would like a story etc.).

We used to be completely 50/50 when a childless couple, and children have their own way of forcing you to divide up tasks - even if does often fall into gender lines e.g. dw cooks and dh slopes off to shed....

On the days you have had her, I would retire to bed at 6pm with a book and say you are TOO tired to stand up anymore.

Actaully I did this pretty much all through pregnancy anyway

Pippi as for your question to Anna888 about why the earning makes a difference - if you can understand that the responsibility of caring for the children as a mother is more than just a job its is a pyshchological and emotional energy drainer, in the same way, for a man often feels that responsibility towards earning and supporting his family. if a woman thins she needs a rest after caring for the kids, it is likely that a man needs a rest after stressing and exerting energy while working

And is that energy directly proportional to income?

mp dontcha know that the news at 7 are the best? he also watches the one at 10 of course.
but that's exactly my point... DC needs must be addressed first. once they are sorted we can eat, drink and be merry (or watch the news at 10 ) not the other way round.

lol

energy @ 6pm = (salary) div. (number of houses) div. (Wife) x (hours primary carer responsibility) x 1.253153 div. (leaves on drive) to the power of (Hillary Clinton - Monica Lewinsky)

TM - no, not directly proportional - some people have to sweat blood to bring in peanuts and some people can earn quite a lot and still have energy left at the end of the day.

Which my original post fully took into account.

Does he mean Channel 4 news? He may as well just catch up with things on the CBeebies website

As for your dd1 coming into the kitchen for hugs. DD2 (1 year old) will NOT be entertained by my dh if I am around, even if he wanted to.

I am often cooking with one hand and holding dd2 with the other. In fact she likes to stick her fingers in whatever I get from the fridge, and every jar I unscrew. I have to be particularly careful when chopping carrots!

I used to resent the fact he was not looking after the children, but in fact he could not prevent her coming in.

So now I often prepare stuff ahead when she has a nap, or do stuff on the floor in the living room (i.e. peel potatoes) with everyone else - at least that way I get to watch Numberjacks too.

We both work. I work from home a lot, but often out as well. DW is out at work. So there is no real "getting in" time for me, but we have a lot of give and take.

As for house/garden/child stuff, well, we share it as best we can and try not to keep count.
I do the school drop-off and we share collection. There are some things (e.g. hoovering) which I hate and try to get out of, and so DW does 95% of it - it's vice-versa with, say, mowing the lawn. I do 80% of the cooking because that's just the way it works out. She does 95% of the ferrying-about. And so on.

DW has made it clear that if I were the sole income provider and she was the stay-at-home mu, she would expect NOTHING in the way of housework, cooking etc. from me, but she thinks it would obviously be nice if I did some. Which I would.

dontwanttogetoutofbed I agree 100%. especially when/if he'll be the only one to bring a salary in.
but but but no one is saying that I want to rest and sit on the sofa watching eastenders the minute he comes in. all I want is to do something different I have been doing for the past 12hours - looking after DD. so I will go off cooking and tidying up later etc.
and as he has been stressed at work, which stopped the minute he gets in the car, he can change activity by taking care of his DD, which, like he says to me, 'isn't really a chore but a pleasure!'.

Thanks for replying Anna. Must admit the example you give is well outside my radar. What you say makes sense in that context, although I doubt super rich wife would do much sweeping either so of course it would be weird to ask her husband to do it.

Can't really see how same would apply in a normal situation though. It's enough of a blow as a woman that you lose so much of your earning capacity when you have children. The implication that your contribution is of less value because your work within the house is unpaid adds insult to injury imo

Anyway, sorry - bit of a hijack. Needs another thread. Back to the subject in hand.

Dog toothbrushes anyone??

Pippi - my partner drives home from work. When he gets home, he is frequently frazzled. He makes a huge effort not to burden me with his work problems, but I do think he absolutely requires a bit of space before he can look after the children etc.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

mp I know... I suspect it's another well thought excuse!

fondant, well DD rather be with me when her dad is in a vegetative state. if he is 'normal' then she's absolutely fine with him. he plays this at his advantage at times and says 'oh she does not want to be with me'...

re: earnings: of course they should be taken into account as in: more paid help for the mother less help needed from the father. hence me expecting a lot less from DH now than when I was working myself or when (idiotically) I let the cleaner go when DD1 was born as "I'd have plenty of time on my hands" .

once during a row DH said to me "you would not expect X to come home from work and cook and clean at the weekend?". X being a friend of mine we just went out with in italy with quite stressful job. NO I would not expect it because X employs a cleaner for 4 hours everyday od the week week, the child is looked after by either granmas every morning and a nannie comes in at bath time to prepare food for the baby. also pleanty of relatives or babysitter to 'relieve' either or both of them of baby and allow them for quality time. i'd still expect him to care for his child though.

Pippi I think you are reasonable in what you would like your dh to do. I work almost f/t and dh works full time. I only work 2.5 hours less than dh a week but have an extra day off. However, my days off are spent looking after ds (which I love, but not me time iyswim). When home dh is hands on. He doesn't really like the hoover or cooking but he is good at tidying the kitchen and bathroom and entertaining ds/bathing him etc. He drops ds off to nursery on the days I work and will collect him if necessary. All in all, I am happy with my lot.

I was responding to dontwanttogetoutofbed's post Anna. The one before mine.

Iorek - in the example I give (totally authentic) said wife does a lot of sweeping, housework etc. It is not because you are well off that you necessarily wish to outsource your domestic chores (though I think that not wishing to outsource but expecting your hardworking husband to do them is an untenable position).

iorek exactly.

anna how much househelp/babyfree time do you get though on such days?

anna I agree if she does not want the help she can afford than yes it is unreasonable to ask him to do that.

on the contrary wife of X told me clearly she does almost nothing in the house: the mess that's left in the evening disappears by midday (and I know what this means as it was the same when I grew up).

Anna you have a child at school though, don't you? So in your situation I would expect DH to want some me-time as you have had some me-time already. It's not the same as looking after a demanding 2 year old for 12 hours a day!!

I don't agree that just because someone works 70 hours a week and is loaded that they should not do any work around the house/garden. I don't think it is setting a good example to children that you can be a slob around the house just because you have money. I'm not sure how much these leaves anna describes are a chore to sweep but does he keep the house tidy?

I really REALLY hate this attitude that men are WORKING and their wives are AT HOME in some kind of master-servant situation. I hate the whole thing. It must be AWFUL for women in that situation to feel that it's "their job" to do house-and-child stuff. How crap. Makes me come over all Xenia.

Pippi - when my daughter was not at school, I had variously no home help/no childcare (for one year) and three and a half hours a week (ie one morning) of cleaning help. My daughter was with me every single minute of the day.

Now my daughter is at school I still have 3.5 hours a week of cleaning help. My daughter goes to school from 9 am to 11.50 am and dropping her off and collecting her takes a total of two hours.

I also work, supposedly for 20 hours a week, though I am managing to fulfil all expectations in about 10 hours.

I forgot - I also do lots of things related to my stepsons. Probably an extra 6 hours a week actual chores (not counting time when they are with us) and of course they restrict my life in numerous ways.