Questino for you DHs: what do you do when you come home from work? BE HONEST PLEASE...

[PippiCalzelunghe]

...as I am really confused and cannot see anymore whether I am asking too much and being unreasonable of DH or if he has recently being engulfed in a time warp (sp?) and thinks he's is dad.
I know that most women will back me up but that is not constructive as I want to see it from the other side.
The marriage is quite new and we are both struggling in trying to define our roles I think.

Please could you specify whether your DW/DP is a SAHM and how many kids you have etc?

thanks in advance.

Sounds pretty reasonable to me Pippi, it's less than DP does, and bathtime twice a week really isn;t much is it?

a friend of mine has 3 children. her husband leaves the house at 8 am and is back between 630-8pm. once a week he goes to paris and stays overnight, and once a week he goes to switzerland and stays overnight. this has been the case for 3 years. a few months ago he also started flying once every 6 weeks to japan for 5 days.
he spends time with the children and lets her sleep in on saturdays.

my sil has 3 children. her husband is out of the country 50% of the month. ie 14 days of every month he is away - new york, las vegas, japan, south africa, wherever. she has a babysitter that helps her each day from 4pm-8pm. when he gets home he is often tired and jet lagged. he is still a great dad though.

dadada no no he was truly supporting me on that. It wasn't work itself that stressed me out, if it was closer I'd still be there. It was all the commuting thing: getiing up at 6 get me and dd ready, take dd to childminder at 7.30, drive to station, get to trains to other side of town, be at work after a run late at 9.30. same on the way back with constant panic of being late. once home at 7pm normal stuff like dinner and bedtime etc. in fairness we shared although it was a shamble.it was hard but doable not pg but crazy being pg.

I am obviously not stressed now as all that is gone.

Has he actually said no to putting her to bed ect... on the days you have her at home all day? I would ecpect most dads to want to do this and spend time with their children to be honest.

As for weekends I wouldn't split it to strictly as it bcomes regimented and I personally like my life to be a bit free flow if possible. So at the weekend we tend to both be at home with the kids and it will vary from day to day as to who is doing what with what child(ren) But we both get at least a few hours each to lie in, veg, shop, watch tv, read papers ect...

It sounds reasonable Pippi.

You may have to determine why he is unwilling. Does he feel awkward and inconfident? He should get used to it now, as with two, he might find he will have to do it every day.

My dh feels reluctant to get them both ready for bed as there is two of them, and he gets stressed out. But he is capable, if I am ill, or I want to go out with friends. But I dont mind getting them ready, as long as I can go downstairs and breathe, while he puts them to sleep.

Sounds fair. Also sounds likely that if you plan to return to work after your maternity leave you'll need to renegotiate what is fair for you both!

mp he does want to be with his daughter but on his own terms (which drives me insane and the holiday did not seem to have cured him of this idea): he wants to cuddle up on the sofa with her while he watches the news!! as if a 2.6 will do just that when you want to!!
so what happens is that she gets bored and comes to bug me while I am cooking (almost annoying) and he fails to see what the issue is. or he thinks bedtime routine is reading the two books. not the all palaver from the bath bit to the 'love you' bit an hour and a half later. this is what bothers me especially when DD has started being troublesome going to be and staying there recently.

you must have known there was going to be a big RANT round the corner !!!!

dads what do you think though?

We have 2 kids 18months & 2.5yrs
DH works 5 days a week 7am-5.30pm (thats leaving house and getting home times) I work 3 nights a week (7pm-1am again leaving and getting home).
I look after dds all day, laundry and cleaning of all rooms except kitchen and cooking. The nights I work have to be military. DH gets home to dinner on table for all 4 of us. I go and get ready for work at 6.30 while he plays with dds. We both get a child each ready for bed (washed, changed pjs on etc) then take them up and he reads them their story. Then I leg it out the door to work!!! The nights I'm off we feed dds their dinner, bath them and bed time as normal. We then go and cook our dinner together (its a nice bonding thing for the 2 of us!!).
Whilst I'm at work DH washes up and cleans and tidies kitchen and does some diy jobs if he's not too knackered.

No, it is not reasonable. He will have to watch the news, if that is what he must do, while sitting on the floor doing a puzzle, or something. He cant expect her to sit still and cuddle. She will be bored. My youngest is the same age. My husband, if he wants to combine "me" time with toddler time, takes him up on the lap, and let him watch a utube video (child related) in ONE window on the pc, while he skims headlines or chat on skype. But he always find somethign that intersts toddler too.

An hour and a half? Blimey. We have express bedtimes here then .

It's the other way round in our house.

When the Dw comes home form work she has her dinner served to her, plays with the kids and catches up with events, gets her work clothes ready and then we mess about together for the rest of the night if we are both in.

Pippi, If he is not happy to bath and put is daughter to bed two nights a week I think you may have some sorting out to do especially with a baby on the way. So when baby is born and he is needed to put her to bed maybe evrery night for a few weeks then what??

We nake sure we spend as much time together without the kids as possible.

The love we have for each other is conditional and always needs attention to keep things happy and ticking away nicely.

I have been very busy recently with stuff at home and had a lot to think about and so the DW has complained the other night that we haven't been spending enough quality time together.

I guess one aspect of focusing on each other so much is we both notice it when one of us is busy or not there.

I should have said that he wants her to watch the news with him when he gets home from work, not all the time. He is a very capable, hands on dad.
he just kind of crumbles after work and longs for the sofa, like I go to pieces after a day in which I have not been on my own for a second.

dadada yes it will have to be renegotiated when I go back to work, (not before next april so won't stress about it yet) but more so when DD2 arrives.

Ok, I understand he longs for the sofa after working hard all day but If you are cooking dinner when he gets home and your dd goes to bed only an hour after he gets home I would fully expect him to delay the news watching until she is in bed

With 5 kids believe me I know the feeling of going to pieces at the end of the day without being alone at all all day and Dh knows this which is why he is hands on the minute he gets in until bedtime and then when they are in bed he can relax all evening

Think he should be prepared to do the whole bath/bed routine two nights a week too, and a whole lot more when dc2 arrives. Am not a man though - will try and get dp to read this later and contribute

Anna8888 if you are still around - WHY do you think the man's earnings have any bearing on how much housework he should do? Am confused, alarmed and intrigued all at once by this idea.

Pippi - it sounds like both of you are shattered after your respective days and both of you need peace and quiet - whereas, at the moment, both of you are expecting the other to take over. Am I right?

If so, you will argue and each will feel resentful.

You must both "relieve yourselves" a little during the day so that you don't reach the end of the day so wiped out.

TellusMater do not rub it in please!! we used to have no routine at all, just night night and that was it. all of a sudden it all shattered and unless we strategically organised it DD will make our evening a misery but getting out of bed every 10 min for 3 hours.so she goes for a bath at 6.30 and is in bed by 8. that leave us some time for ourselves. which EricL I also believe it is paramount!

You need to sit down and talk to him

slowly. and. clearly.

He is being a dick and not pulling his weight. Don't let him get away with it.

If DD was bothering me while I was cooking and he was watching television, I would pick up DD, put her on the floor, start doing a puzzle with her and ask DH to finish cooking dinner. There are TWO jobs to be done there - and you are doing BOTH of them! His terms = having a "wifey" to do EVERYTHING. I can see why you are pissed off.

And yes he needs to watch the news at 10pm like the rest of us

You really need to talk to him - if he can't see how unreasonable he is being, you are going to end up dumped with ALL the house and childcare responsibilities for the next 20 years

nip it in the bud now

I agree with MP.

And bedtimes are even quicker in our house when DH is away. And much earlier too .

Iorek - why do I think the man's earnings have a bearing? Because they are part of his contribution to the household.

I'll give you an example of a couple I know very well.

He works about 70 hours a week and earns a lot of money. They own two homes and rent a third (paid for by his expatriation allowance). They have three children in a very expensive private school. They travel abroad several times a year and have a large amount of money in the bank and in a pension plan.

Is it reasonable for his SAHM wife to moan at him to sweep the leaves off the terrace at the weekend? No, it's not. She should either do it herself or arrange for someone to do it, and pay the bill from their joint account - she should just deal with it. Any other course of action is childish.

"You must both "relieve yourselves" a little during the day"

Perhaps with a dog toothbrush?

Anna you are right we are both tired at times but DD is there and needs to be cared for and we must eat so no getting out. My belief is that you should want to do something different from what you've been doing all day.
when DD is not with me I have got time to 'relieve' while doing a million things so I do not need him to take over. Is when DD is with me that after 12 hours of mental stimulation I long for some peace and quiet in front of the stove (oh gawd...who have I become????) without hearing 'mamma mamma up' and see to supercute little hands begging me to take her while DH is oblivious on the sofa.
as per him trust me he's got time as well. his job involves a lot of out of office work, some driving around town, he also can have a lunch break and no one is watching him. Far from me saying he does nothing or that his job is not hard but I have been working all my life and nothing is so full on as childcare (something DH realised during the xmas holiday - and I was with him! - only to forget in a jiffy!) he also had the same job before DD and he was well hands on then!!

Oh I keep telling him with two DC the news will be a thing of the past. I just want him to get the message before she comes so not to argue too much (will argue anyway with sleep deprivation etc)

Anna I think that if the OP could afford a team of staff to sort her life out then there would be less to argue about