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Original poster

Help please. My girlfriend dislikes my 11 year old son

175 replies

Wilfm11 · 28/12/2021 19:30

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We both live together in a house owned by myself. She has two young girls and their dad plays an active role in their lives. My girlfriend and her ex get on well and have the same beliefs/rules when it come a to parenting. Loving and strict would be a fair summary.
I have three kids, two grown up and a 11 year son. He stays with me every other weekend and two nights in the week.
My ex and I don’t really get since splitting up 3 years ago. I think I parent him with love but try to put rules and boundaries in place. My ex is very loving to our son but has no real rules or boundaries when it comes to parenting. By her own admission she is too attached to him.
In the last 6 months he some times doesn’t want to stay at my house and it becomes a real battle to get him to come over, stating I get too angry with him, too many rules etc. I do try and listen to him, and empathise as his house that we just lived in now has 3 other people living there. He does get on with the two girls and does try hard. My girlfriend has made a huge effort with getting to know him, and talk to him.
So here is where my problem lies, my girlfriend doesn’t understand why I’m not stricter with him and now thinks he plays me. I went to pick him up the other day as planned and he said he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas. His mum who was also present said I needed to sort it out with him! So I agreed I would take him back later. My girlfriend went mad as we had made plans and I was weak/pathetic for allowing it and it was just tough, he should have just stayed the night. I physically cannot make him and he wouldn’t have come out of the house unless I agreed to take him back later. This happens a lot. My ex is not really interested in supporting me to resolve this situation.
My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.
She has previously loads of effort to get to know him and take hime to the cinema etc. But she is very forthright and opinionated. I do struggle to have rational conversations with her …… most of the time.

OP posts:

LondonWolf · 28/12/2021 20:20

Tbh I’m surprised to even read this thread because anyone who said they hated my child would have been told to make arrangements to leave within half a minute of them saying it. What’s wrong with you?

Lovelymincepies · 28/12/2021 20:20

My 12 year old sons Dad chose his partner over him, not even any children involved, just never put him first, very rarely saw him. Actually told me he has to do what's best for him and his (now) wife. He chucked both his birthday card and Christmas card straight in the bin. Doesn't want to speak to him.

Put your child first, they are little for a short space of time and he is at a difficult age. Your girlfriend sounds abusive by the way and controlling.

JSL52 · 28/12/2021 20:20

@Sprogonthetyne

So he didn't want to stay in a house that full of the extended family (who he may never have met) of someone he bearly knows (as you've only been together 18 months). I'd say that's fair enough, I wouldn't either, however that conversation should have happened weeks ago.

I'd say the the relationship needs to end, your DS's feelings pushed out and your girlfriend doesn't seem to be understanding of the feelings of your DS, who in 3 years has seen his parents divorce, then had a new 'parent figure' who "hates him" and new step siblings that live with and presumably get attention from his dad. I'm not surprised he's acting out a little, he's clearly not being prioritised.

The extended family were at his mum's house. I agree he probably wanted to see them if they were visiting for Christmas, maybe he could have missed a visit ?

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/12/2021 20:20

@Wilfm11

Try not to be thrown by all the frothing. I suspect you might be overegging it with the 'hate' comment. Your gf is trapped in a situation where she has no power to change what goes down in her home. Lowest common denominator is winning here - kids are going to opt for no rules, sweets for breakfast if they get the chance. Only YOU have the power to change this - all she can do is walk out.

Seriously, try the non-violent communication. It's used to make peace in warzone situations.

WildHorsesRunInMe · 28/12/2021 20:21

Put your child first every single time. Not that hard

Original poster

Wilfm11 · 28/12/2021 20:22

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.

You need to read this sentence over to yourself as many times as it takes for the penny to drop.

I’ll help you along- no one who I knew disliked, let alone hated my child, would be permitted within a mile of them. No one.

Ok, I am reading it back. And it does make tough reading. She has told me all this about my son tonight so it’s all abit raw at the moment. I reached out to this forum to get some support. I know what I need to do.

OP posts:

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 28/12/2021 20:23

Your gf is trapped in a situation where she has no power to change what goes down in her home.

I would imagine there is at least one door on the house.

Larryyourwaiter · 28/12/2021 20:24

Ask your GF if she would be okay if you suddenly decided you disliked/hated her kids.

You don’t know what will happen in the future, what if he needed to live with you for an extended period of time or permanently. How would that work. At the end of the day it’s really more his home than your GFs, he should be comfortable and wellcome.

Moonpiglets · 28/12/2021 20:24

This is your home. How dare your girlfriend try to control the way you parent your own child when he visits. She needs to back right off, it is none of her business and as long as he is not being rude or nasty to her or her DD’s then she doesn’t get to have an say in your relationship or rules with him at all

Are they genuinely your “rules” re: screen time etc at the moment or are they rules she thinks a child should follow?

No wonder he doesn’t want to stay the night. Put him first and tell her to back off and that you are reconsidering the relationship, she is stepping well outside her remit here

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 28/12/2021 20:24

I know what I need to do.

Good. That’s the easy part. Doing it is the hard part.

BurntO · 28/12/2021 20:25

Your issue is you got a girlfriend and within 18 months he has a whole new family to contend with that organically to years to grow.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/12/2021 20:26

I’d bin the girlfriend. I’m not sure how your ex can be ‘too attached to him’’

Children need all the love they can get, he doesn’t want to come over as he’s unhappy. Only you can change that. He’s still very young g.

JacquelineCarlyle · 28/12/2021 20:27

Your poor DS - please make him your priority.

shewillhaveherway · 28/12/2021 20:27

What do your older children think about this situation? Can they act as a bridge to help you connect with your youngest?

I think suddenly being ‘outnumbered’ in your own home is a difficult situation for anyone - let alone an 11 year old.

saraclara · 28/12/2021 20:28

he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas

I think that's perfectly reasonable. He has family (maybe cousins and grandparents?) that he presumably doesn't see often, and was looking forward to spending time with.

This is the really crappy bit about being a kid of separated parents. You miss it your friends' birthday parties or family get togethers because you're obliged to spend the weekend/that 50% of the week with the 'wrong' parent.

You did the reasonable thing in accommodating his wishes, and your new partner could do with learning some empathy and applying it to your kid. I bet she wouldn't feel the same if it was one of her own kids having to miss out.

Original poster

Wilfm11 · 28/12/2021 20:29

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@Wilfm11

Seriously, try the non-violent communication. It's used to make peace in warzone situations.[/quote]
Thanks. I think I have over egged the hate comment.I feel even more crap now than I did earlier, but i just want to do the bes t for my son who I love so dearly. My older two children still love me so I must be doing something ok. My girlfriend told me all her feelings about my son tonight so I may have just fired off a load of stuff without thinking. Tears are streaming down my face.

OP posts:

whistleryukon · 28/12/2021 20:31

Did she actually say that she dislikes/hates your son? Did she use these words? Or is that just your take on her position?

Original poster

Wilfm11 · 28/12/2021 20:32

@saraclara

he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas

I think that's perfectly reasonable. He has family (maybe cousins and grandparents?) that he presumably doesn't see often, and was looking forward to spending time with.

Thanks. Loads of what said made lot of sense.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/12/2021 20:32

This relationship has to end. Why would you want to be with a woman who hates your child. What a nasty cow! I speak from experience with this. My ex's partner (she was the OW so was resentful of us anyway) made sure that she did whatever she could to end my son's relationship with his father. My son now no longer has contact and she is subject to a court order because of her behaviour. My ex has stayed with her. My son, the same age as yours, is now having counselling to try and cope. Don't do this to your child. Please. It has destroyed my little boy.

ViceLikeBlip · 28/12/2021 20:32

I'm totally soft when it comes to my kids. I absolutely understand that many parents are much stricter, but I always assume it comes from a place of love and of wanting the best for the child.

It makes me very uncomfortable when step parents, who very clearly do NOT love the child, are pushing for stricter discipline. It's all to do with control, and finding the child irritating, rather than actually wanting what's best for the child.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 28/12/2021 20:33

I couldnt be with someone who hated my child. She has moved in too quickly with her kids into your home and is now resenting your child? Blimey, she needs to go!

Blueberryflavour · 28/12/2021 20:33

Also as a separate issue your girlfriend should have been concerned about the effect on her children of moving them into her boyfriends house a boyfriend of such a short time, and in Covid restrictions at that. So she doesn’t exactly act like parent of the year herself and should butt out of your parenting. It sounds like you have been welcoming and considerate of her children, to the extent of asking your son to also be considerate of them, it’s a shame that your girlfriend can’t return the favour to your son.

TheRemotePart · 28/12/2021 20:34

I wouldn’t have enjoyed having a huge family Christmas with little known or unrelated members …
Maybe keep the GF out of all parenting , if you are doing the same ( unless asked to ) her girls ? But you then can’t complain about the situation to her
Her exasperation isn’t helping. Even if she’s trying to help you parent better ( in her opinion ) It was probably said in the heat of the moment.

Little buggers at 11 will love wherever they get the easiest time haha. If mummy allows iPad 24/7 but Daddy , only an hour a night - then he’s going to feel it : but you’re within your right to have rules and parent how you see fit.

have you other things to entertain him when he’s NOT online ? Are you playing with him? It’s all very well saying “ im a sensible parent about screen time “ and then not providing other stimulus?

Does your girlfriends kids not go to their own dads? Can you have some quality time with your boy?

I think you need to communicate with both your son AND your GF. You’re a package : same as her and her girls. Good luck wit the girls when they become Teens! I hope she’s got a long memory!!

PermanentTemporary · 28/12/2021 20:34

God i really do feel for you all. But I have to say I met my boyfriend just over a year ago and there is absolutely no way in earth he'll be moving in with me and my son in the next six months. I know people do it all the time, but I don't know why. Was it a financial emergency or something - was she going to be homeless if she didn't mice in?

I don't think you should have to eliminate your girlfriend from your life but I absolutely do think you need to prioritise your son and his feeling that he has a secure home in all of your house. I personally am not big on rules - my dh died 4 years ago and I very quickly realised that I simply didn't give a crap about a lot of things I used to care about, such as screen time - but I do know that I have structures in place for my son. He is the priority in this house and I do not apologise for that. Hence why I don't plan to move anyone else in.

Im sorry but I think for your girlfriends sake and for your sake you should discuss living separately again. This may of course end your relationship and that's shit. I'm sorry.

Livpool · 28/12/2021 20:34

Sorry but how dare your girlfriend let rip about how much she dislikes your son. LTB

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