Help please. My girlfriend dislikes my 11 year old son

[Wilfm11]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We both live together in a house owned by myself. She has two young girls and their dad plays an active role in their lives. My girlfriend and her ex get on well and have the same beliefs/rules when it come a to parenting. Loving and strict would be a fair summary.
I have three kids, two grown up and a 11 year son. He stays with me every other weekend and two nights in the week.
My ex and I don’t really get since splitting up 3 years ago. I think I parent him with love but try to put rules and boundaries in place. My ex is very loving to our son but has no real rules or boundaries when it comes to parenting. By her own admission she is too attached to him.
In the last 6 months he some times doesn’t want to stay at my house and it becomes a real battle to get him to come over, stating I get too angry with him, too many rules etc. I do try and listen to him, and empathise as his house that we just lived in now has 3 other people living there. He does get on with the two girls and does try hard. My girlfriend has made a huge effort with getting to know him, and talk to him.
So here is where my problem lies, my girlfriend doesn’t understand why I’m not stricter with him and now thinks he plays me. I went to pick him up the other day as planned and he said he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas. His mum who was also present said I needed to sort it out with him! So I agreed I would take him back later. My girlfriend went mad as we had made plans and I was weak/pathetic for allowing it and it was just tough, he should have just stayed the night. I physically cannot make him and he wouldn’t have come out of the house unless I agreed to take him back later. This happens a lot. My ex is not really interested in supporting me to resolve this situation.
My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.
She has previously loads of effort to get to know him and take hime to the cinema etc. But she is very forthright and opinionated. I do struggle to have rational conversations with her …… most of the time.

I'm at the post about "the ex" undermining the new rules put in place by the dad and his new girlfriend. If anyone is undermining anyone it's the other way round. The child's mother was good enough before the relationship broke up right? But now she is too attached, can't set rules etc? What has changed here? The new girlfriend is the source of the problem. She should have zero say in how this child is raised, because it's not her kid. If she wants to impose her rules on her own kids that's up to her but not to be inflicted on a child who has had no say on any of this. A child whose home has been basically taken over by strangers. Imagine your girlfriend having an affair, booting you out and then expecting you to come over and spend happy family time with her new bloke and doing things his way in what used to be your home. If I was the mother I'd be looking at reviewing contact arrangements if it's making the child unhappy. I've been both the child and the parent in a step family too.

@GettingItOutThere

oh but if anyone "hated" my kids they would never see them again/me them. think about it.

This.

She’s not a ‘stepparent’ though, she’s been dating OP for only a year and a half and has already been moved in to his house, for some time.

Awful.

@WannaBeCatLady

OP have a look around the stages of step family development. There's a LOT of hyperbole on this thread 🙄

Also there's an excellent podcast on Spotify called your not my mum. It's a step parents pov and talks about the realities of step parenting. Also a book called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. It might help you both get on the same page.

Try to bring in some compassion to your relationship. She may not being rational to you, but you may also not be being rational to her. No one on this thread will know whether she's utterly unreasonable or really struggling with the dynamics of step parenting.

So it’s all about the poor girlfriend of 18 months and nothing about the child. The priority for the OP is his child. A child! His child! Not a woman he barely knows (give this relationship developed during the pandemic with all its lockdowns, restrictions and the less-than-usual ways of interacting.

This is a young child and all this sympathies for the poor girlfriend is strange rather than the child is strange.

@Why2why all of the clinical research shows that step families work best when the relationship between the couple is strong and a priority. When you prioritise each other then (in a healthy relationship) you also prioritise the dc as you're a team around meeting their needs.

When you prioritise your child over your partner then your relationship will fail. Your children will experience more instability and broken relationships.

Your children's basic needs of course come first, but in functional and happy step families the couple prioritise their relationship and work together as a team around dc. This is what the clinical research says, this is what any relationship therapist would say.

That isn't to say you don't have one on one time, or a step parent is heavily involved in things to do with your child. But if you prioritise your relationship those things won't cause issues. Your partner will support you naturally with your relationship with your child as their relationship needs will also be being met.

OP, you’re taking the comments- and there are a LOT- really well. That’s really good, and bodes well for your relationship with your son.

Your girlfriend has told you how she feels about your son. Has she talked about how she wants to resolve this? Is her solution to not have him round or to acknowledge these feelings and work through them as she knows how hard it is for him?

For me, there would be two different outcomes depending on how your girlfriend wants to address her feelings towards your son.

I am a step mum.
I think with your new relationship it sounds like too much too soon, and perhaps she's not quite the person you thought she was?
I couldn't be with someone who didn't like my son just because he was having some issues in not wanting to visit me.
I would want to know why and ways we could help him, disliking him for it is ridiculous.

She sounds like she lacks empathy and understanding, you say you can't have a rational conversation with her most of the time which makes her sound really difficult.

It's not easy being a stepmother I understand that but she sounds like she's trying to parent him her way and you do things your way.
For a kid who has been used to things a certain way for so long, on top of this 3 new people in his home its alot to take on.
Without her trying to install how she would like him to be parented.
I would ask my dp to move out in this situation.
Put your son first.

In your responses to people’s comments you keep stating that you do the things they mention already.

You should consider the following:

1. Maybe you don’t do those things, at least not well.
2. You are being selfish, because you expect everyone else in the situation to fit round what you want.

[quote WannaBeCatLady]@Why2why all of the clinical research shows that step families work best when the relationship between the couple is strong and a priority. When you prioritise each other then (in a healthy relationship) you also prioritise the dc as you're a team around meeting their needs.

When you prioritise your child over your partner then your relationship will fail. Your children will experience more instability and broken relationships.

Your children's basic needs of course come first, but in functional and happy step families the couple prioritise their relationship and work together as a team around dc. This is what the clinical research says, this is what any relationship therapist would say.

That isn't to say you don't have one on one time, or a step parent is heavily involved in things to do with your child. But if you prioritise your relationship those things won't cause issues. Your partner will support you naturally with your relationship with your child as their relationship needs will also be being met.[/quote]
We can throw various clinical research at each other, including those that show convincingly that children treated the way the OP and his partner are treating his young son, has a lasting detrimental impact on the child’s emotional well-being and the parent-child relationship.

Furthermore, by your logic, a child is simply collateral damage if a parent moves from one relationship to another as they seek to establish relationships. The OP only knows his current girlfriend for 18 pandemic months. If this relationship does not work out, should the OP’s son be treated like this again whilst the OP works on another relationship?

The OP should prioritise his son over this relationship.

Your DS sounds likd a spoilt brat and I am not surprised your girlfriend is losing patience with the situation. But if shes not happy tell her to move out. Its your house.

Here we go, another bloke who finds himself a shiny new family and the old one becomes an inconvenience.

@Viviennemary

Your DS sounds likd a spoilt brat and I am not surprised your girlfriend is losing patience with the situation. But if shes not happy tell her to move out. Its your house.

By feeling a bit uncomfortable that his home now has 3 new people in it, and their extended family are coming to stay. I think maybe he just feels a bit out of place actually, bit yeah kids should just put up and shit up right? No matter who's trampling all over their boundaries.

Yeah, that kid is so spoilt, his dad has moved in some woman who hates him. Lucky little tyke.

She's the one playing you not your son.
He doesn't want to come because she makes him feel uncomfortable.
I bet you pay for her and her kids too?
You sound like a bit of a mug.
Kids have good instincts.

Spend time with your son alone. Take him out for the day and do more frequent but shorter visits - e.g. taking him for a Nandos on a Wednesday evening, then cinema on a Friday. Go kick a ball about on a Saturday for a couple of hours. Or just swing past to take him for a hot chocolate on a Sunday morning. Volunteer to take him shopping when he needs new shoes. Frequent short visit. Even if that's just driving him to school or picking him up. Does he have a phone? Text him daily, like, how was your day kiddo? I've got a funny joke for you xyz. Take a picture of a chocolate bar you bought for him and say 'got this for when I see you on x day'. Keep it light but keep it consistent even if you get short 'ok' or 'that's cool' response.

Sure he can still stay over but let him stay after you and him have been out all day, so that when you get home, it's more bath, pjs and bed, rather than visits which mean socialising with your girlfriend and her kids all day.

Your kid not wanting to come out of the house - that's a kid suffering with anxiety who doesn't feel secure in his relationship with you. So remind him, tell him you love him, give him cuddles, or come up with a special Dad/Son fist bump.

Sorry if the gf doesn't like it but all round it's the solution. You can still do stuff altogether but the bulk of your energy with him should be 1-2-1 time.

That's my advice anyway.

If she has got to the point of telling you that she hates your son, it's time to show her the door. She clearly has no respect for you or your little boy. The boy has been through enough without having somebody being nasty to him when he comes to visit. Put him first and put her in her place which is where she has nothing to say about the child's upbringing.
You really must ensure that her 'forthrightness' is not her way of hurting the boy verbally. It sounds to me as if she'd like the nest for herself and her children with no room for your son.

Sorry - maybe my response should have focused more on your gf. I focused more on the part about your son not wanting to sleep over at your house on my first read.

Re-reading your OP, what stood out for me a second time is the fact your gf (after just 18mths) called you pathetic and the part about not being able to have a rationale conversation with her....I think a warning is needed....time to tug the rug your gf's standing all high and mighty on.

If he'd feel more comfortable with him mum then just let him be there.

@kinko 's post is very wise and shows how you can demonstrate love and care even if you're not in each others houses.

@kinko that is a great post.

It’s interesting how this is portrayed as a difference of parenting style between mum and dad but when did this start to become apparent? Was it when the GF came on the scene? Also remember that at 11, rules evolve fast on things like bedtime and screen time and it’s possible that the OP (or GF!) isn’t ready to adapt.

I’d love to hear what the OP decided to do, if anything .

went to pick him up the other day as planned and he said he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas

Well quelle surprise- your son wanted to spend time with his mother and his mother's family rather than 3 strangers and you.

Your girlfriend is the problem- not your son.

@Wilfm11 I hope you are feeling better by now and have some clarity on how to resolve the issues. I haven’t read the full thread but I have read all of your posts.

What stood out to me is that your parenting methods and the choices/decisions that you make as a dad don’t seem to be respected by your girlfriend.

She doesn’t have to agree with your parenting methods but she does need to respect them within reason ( for example as long as health and safety of your son is not compromised, then it’s entirely up to you how you choose to raise him).

She doesn’t have a right to tell you how to parent your child or how your ex should parent her child. Children can adapt to different rules in different environments eg school and home.

If she really has said that she hates or dislikes your son then that is completely unacceptable.

I have read some books in the past about developing healthy boundaries with other people. I’m not the best at it but I think I’ve improved. So, maybe have a look at developing healthy boundaries around how you want to be treated (self respect), how you want your son treated, respecting other people’s boundaries and learning more about what healthy boundaries look like.

It has been a long time since I read any books about boundaries so I can’t recommend any that would be up to date. But if you googled it you should find some info about it. Also, a good counsellor should have resources or understanding of how to create healthy boundaries.

Good luck

I think the screen time etc might be a red herring. GF telling you , there were plans and he's playing you - that would be a real warning sign to me. In general - & I may be naive , children are happy where they feel they are loved and comfortable. Of course there need to be boundaries etc but if DS is actively choosing not to be in your house - there must be a reason & I wouldn't bet on it being screen time.

I wouldn't want to stay in the situation above- a whole family that is nothing to do with him, who will all (understandably) be focussed on her and her kids- he'd be a complete spare part. I'd actually be pretty proud of him for coming at all- he's only 11 and chose with a compromise to spend the day with a pile of strangers and you. That's not selfish, that's brave. Your girlfriend seems very u reasonable, and I'm sorry. I couldn't prioritise someone in my house, who didn't treat my child with respect. He's growing up, he needs to be the one that comes first for you

I'm misunderstood who's family was around- sorry!!! But having read properly- my daughter would be the same- she would want to stay where the 'fun' and the action was, with her extended family. I don't take it personally, as long as it's a one off, and he did compromise with you, he did want to spend time with you.