Help please. My girlfriend dislikes my 11 year old son

[Wilfm11]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We both live together in a house owned by myself. She has two young girls and their dad plays an active role in their lives. My girlfriend and her ex get on well and have the same beliefs/rules when it come a to parenting. Loving and strict would be a fair summary.
I have three kids, two grown up and a 11 year son. He stays with me every other weekend and two nights in the week.
My ex and I don’t really get since splitting up 3 years ago. I think I parent him with love but try to put rules and boundaries in place. My ex is very loving to our son but has no real rules or boundaries when it comes to parenting. By her own admission she is too attached to him.
In the last 6 months he some times doesn’t want to stay at my house and it becomes a real battle to get him to come over, stating I get too angry with him, too many rules etc. I do try and listen to him, and empathise as his house that we just lived in now has 3 other people living there. He does get on with the two girls and does try hard. My girlfriend has made a huge effort with getting to know him, and talk to him.
So here is where my problem lies, my girlfriend doesn’t understand why I’m not stricter with him and now thinks he plays me. I went to pick him up the other day as planned and he said he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas. His mum who was also present said I needed to sort it out with him! So I agreed I would take him back later. My girlfriend went mad as we had made plans and I was weak/pathetic for allowing it and it was just tough, he should have just stayed the night. I physically cannot make him and he wouldn’t have come out of the house unless I agreed to take him back later. This happens a lot. My ex is not really interested in supporting me to resolve this situation.
My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.
She has previously loads of effort to get to know him and take hime to the cinema etc. But she is very forthright and opinionated. I do struggle to have rational conversations with her …… most of the time.

How much time do you spend with your son alone, without GF or her kids around? Do you nurture your bond? This needs extra careful work because his house - as was - is now occupied by those other people full time whereas he is only there part time and will feel like the outsider in your new family. Moving someone new in so quickly after splitting up with his mum might not have allowed you and him to become a 'team', and so now he will be trying to wrestle what bits of control he can in his life. He needs to come first.

Oh this is your fault OP. Not your girlfriends or your sons. She has misplaced her resentment onto your son but actually I'd hate living with you and your son in the set up you've described.

Children can be unlikeable. Children can play parents and step parents off of each other. Children learn to manipulate in their second year of life and attachment (we all manipulate, it's human nature but some children and adults aren't taught boundaries).

If I was you I'd take a good long hard look at myself in the mirror and try to see where these feelings have come from and what you could have done differently.

Step families need to have the two adults as the decision makers and not the dc. The umbrella version. It sounds like your gf has made efforts, now you need to make an effort to get you both on the same page when it comes to the family you're creating. Then you need to be consistent.

Dc also don't do well being put first. They grow up entitled and horrible to be around. Dc need to know that you will always meet their needs, not their wants. As a parent it's your job to bring your son up negating the negative impact of his other home. Get those boundaries in, get those bedtimes and consistent rules (without shouting or punative punishments) and your gf and ds will be just fine.

@Wilfm11

Don't lose hope. You may have blended the families a little too fast, but you have some great raw material to work with. Good points:

1. Your gf has a good working relationship with her ex, and you seem happy with the way they parent her girls. Brilliant!
2. Your gf has been willing to put loads of work in. Again, brilliant!
3. Your son likes her girls. A-Maz-Ing

Just because she's suddenly got discouraged doesn't mean you can't turn this around. But you will need outside help, so don't be afraid to go get it. Stepmothers can do nothing right in society - just listen to the chorus above. But we do try, because who wants to be an evil stepmother, really?

What would happen if you told your new partner that you hate her kids?

How close are you to your grown up children? Did they have a step parent growing up? Do you have the sort of relationship where they could give you their honest opinions on the situation? Ultimately, no one sounds very happy in this situation, and from what you've said, the best thing moving forwards would be to split with your gf.

@shakingmytinselatyule

What would happen if you told your new partner that you hate her kids?

Ha, yes I bet that would go down like a lead balloon.

OP, you’re a terrible father if you let this continue. That poor boy must feel so unloved by you.

@SnowWhitesSM

Oh this is your fault OP. Not your girlfriends or your sons. She has misplaced her resentment onto your son but actually I'd hate living with you and your son in the set up you've described.

Children can be unlikeable. Children can play parents and step parents off of each other. Children learn to manipulate in their second year of life and attachment (we all manipulate, it's human nature but some children and adults aren't taught boundaries).

If I was you I'd take a good long hard look at myself in the mirror and try to see where these feelings have come from and what you could have done differently.

Step families need to have the two adults as the decision makers and not the dc. The umbrella version. It sounds like your gf has made efforts, now you need to make an effort to get you both on the same page when it comes to the family you're creating. Then you need to be consistent.

Dc also don't do well being put first. They grow up entitled and horrible to be around. Dc need to know that you will always meet their needs, not their wants. As a parent it's your job to bring your son up negating the negative impact of his other home. Get those boundaries in, get those bedtimes and consistent rules (without shouting or punative punishments) and your gf and ds will be just fine.

Ok, tough to hear but I appreciate your comment.

My Ex DP used to say I hated his kids. I absolutely didn’t. I hated that he became a totally different person when they were around. He let them rule the roost, they were rude and spoilt. Different rules for them and my DCs, they were lazy and entitled, like him and their mum.

But I know that wasn’t their fault, he allowed it. It was frustrating trying to have a relationship with someone who allowed two children to call the shots, and a month out of that circus now I’m relieved I don’t have to deal with his Disney dadding tbh.

I’m sure he’s also relieved that he can indulge the little darlings to their hearts content and never has to feel separated dad guilt, as he now gets to spend every waking moment with them (their mum won’t have them at all now he’s not with me). Win win.

Do you both (and all the DCs) a favour and knock this on the head. I’d put money on the fact that this is a parenting issue more than a step-parenting one, but either way, if you can’t communicate with your partner the relationship is ultimately doomed either way.

@SnowWhitesSM

Oh this is your fault OP. Not your girlfriends or your sons. She has misplaced her resentment onto your son but actually I'd hate living with you and your son in the set up you've described.

Children can be unlikeable. Children can play parents and step parents off of each other. Children learn to manipulate in their second year of life and attachment (we all manipulate, it's human nature but some children and adults aren't taught boundaries).

If I was you I'd take a good long hard look at myself in the mirror and try to see where these feelings have come from and what you could have done differently.

Step families need to have the two adults as the decision makers and not the dc. The umbrella version. It sounds like your gf has made efforts, now you need to make an effort to get you both on the same page when it comes to the family you're creating. Then you need to be consistent.

Dc also don't do well being put first. They grow up entitled and horrible to be around. Dc need to know that you will always meet their needs, not their wants. As a parent it's your job to bring your son up negating the negative impact of his other home. Get those boundaries in, get those bedtimes and consistent rules (without shouting or punative punishments) and your gf and ds will be just fine.

Do you have children?

What stood out for me is this comment

"stating I get too angry with him"

You really need to look at your parenting and ask why that is. Are you being angry at him often? If so then that isn't strict and loving, it's missing the love part. The issues with your girlfriend have been discussed at length, but even if you separate then you will still have a son that doesn't want to see you unless you resolve your communication with him. Of course I have yelled at my kids too, we all have, but I do find it's less effective and more about my own frustration.

Does he only come while gf dc are there? So he shares your attention as well as space he was previously free to use. What efforts do you make when it is his visit? Do the same rules apply to the other dc?

If a partner told me they hated my kids I would be exploring what that meant. What behaviours were causing this. What was I putting on them and making them resentful about.

OP it would be very easy for you to join the - my kids perfect and you're a horrible person brigade. Very easy as then you wouldn't have to examine yourself and your own, human, flaws. But this issue will come up in the next relationship you have, and the next.

I agree flexibility is needed with contact though. But what did your gf plan? I'd probably be pissed off if I bought my ex ss favourite food, cooked a meal I wouldn't have cooked otherwise, made plans, bought tickets ect.

The 3 positive in the post above are really positive. MN hates step mums. Take a step back from the first wives and golden uterus club.

@SnowWhitesSM

Oh this is your fault OP. Not your girlfriends or your sons. She has misplaced her resentment onto your son but actually I'd hate living with you and your son in the set up you've described.

Children can be unlikeable. Children can play parents and step parents off of each other. Children learn to manipulate in their second year of life and attachment (we all manipulate, it's human nature but some children and adults aren't taught boundaries).

If I was you I'd take a good long hard look at myself in the mirror and try to see where these feelings have come from and what you could have done differently.

Step families need to have the two adults as the decision makers and not the dc. The umbrella version. It sounds like your gf has made efforts, now you need to make an effort to get you both on the same page when it comes to the family you're creating. Then you need to be consistent.

Dc also don't do well being put first. They grow up entitled and horrible to be around. Dc need to know that you will always meet their needs, not their wants. As a parent it's your job to bring your son up negating the negative impact of his other home. Get those boundaries in, get those bedtimes and consistent rules (without shouting or punative punishments) and your gf and ds will be just fine.

This is all absolutely fantastic, up-to-date advice if the OP happens to be parenting in 1873.

Yes I have two lovely teenagers @MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

@SnowWhitesSM

Yes I have two lovely teenagers *@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry*

Wow. You don’t sound like you like kids at all.

Op, Google any type of parenting help and step parenting help. Boundaries, consistency and structure are all key.

Also the book how to listen so children talk is a great non shouty but boundary orientated book.

+Dc also don't do well being put first*

I always put mine first. Ones an adult and ones a teen. They’re both lovely.

@LIZS

Does he only come while gf dc are there? So he shares your attention as well as space he was previously free to use. What efforts do you make when it is his visit? Do the same rules apply to the other dc?

Thanks. Mixed really, I have days when we have our own time where we go off and have a great time. His mum doesn’t have any concerns as he always goes back to her house after he stays with positive comments. It’s just getting him to come to my house that’s the problem.

I like kids and teenagers. I like my well behaved ones especially so.

OP - pick out your advice on this thread, research some of it. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water because of this. Your gf shared her feelings. They're wrong feelings and she's definitely misplaced her irritations. But this isn't a wreck. You obviously have chosen someone with good parenting skills with her own dc (she's not a crazy ex) I hope you found someone with good qualities, like kindness, happiness, team work abilities ect as well as attraction. I wouldn't throw it away just yet.

@MargotMoon

How much time do you spend with your son alone, without GF or her kids around? Do you nurture your bond? This needs extra careful work because his house - as was - is now occupied by those other people full time whereas he is only there part time and will feel like the outsider in your new family. Moving someone new in so quickly after splitting up with his mum might not have allowed you and him to become a 'team', and so now he will be trying to wrestle what bits of control he can in his life. He needs to come first.

We do have quite a bit of alone time together when we have fun and head out to the beac etc. He does come first, I reached out to this forum for advice and a bit of guidance.

@MargotsBumpyNight

If my partner hated my child they wouldn't be my partner any longer.

This. Being annoyed about a specific behaviour when a child has been really rude or naughty , fair enough. But actually hating an eleven year old boy who simply preferred to spend the night with his Mum ? I find that really shocking to read. She obviously resents him and /or his mother. Maybe as an only child he prefers being at home with his Mum as it is quieter ? Rather than with a lot of people he doesn’t know very well?

I do agree that it is a mistake to give young children too much power, as that can make them feel less safe. However, wanting to stay at home with his Mum ? Hardly terrible behaviour. He is basically telling you with his actions , that he isn’t very happy at yours. I think he needs a lot more one on one time with you,

You have a gf problem. She hates your DS. She's showing no empathy for the hard work of blending a family - which involves more than going to the cinema.
If anyone said they hated by DC, I wouldn't be in a relationship with them. Your DS not wanting to see a stranger's extended family is a sensible decision. He wasn't in the wrong. Your gf was wrong for arranging that during his contact time.

Any partner who hated my child would be an ex so fast their head would spin.

A good parent, well, a decent parent, hell, even a half decent parent would not stay with someone who hated their child.

Your child comes first.

It sounds like what she actually hates is your parenting and she is transferring her feelings about the result of your failures on to your child.

You need to be a better parent and remove from your life someone who hates your child! Do you have any idea how much that will fuck up your son if you don't?

For what it’s worth you sound like a good guy & a loving father. I’m sorry for you that your attempt at happiness has backfired. You aren’t wrong for wanting to be happy.

Your girlfriend is out of order. It’s very nice for her that she’s happy in a new relationship, her children are well behaved & she & her ex get along so well. All very nice for her but you are miserable & so is your son.

Surely your girlfriend knows you are struggling? Does she not want to help rather than sprinkle salt on your wounds? Just seems quite vicious to tell someone their young son makes them unhappy. He doesn’t even live with you. Does she not have someone else she could vent to?
Truth is She’s just not a nice person & if you give it some thought you’ll realise that.

It’s funny that she’s happier when he’s not there but when he doesn’t want to stay she’s mad. She’s on a power trip.

Your ex wife can see what’s happening very clearly & is letting it all unfold in its own time.
She’s ‘too attached’ to your son because it’s exactly what he needs right now. You can’t over love anyone.

Note the only person siding with your girlfriend is a stepmother who thinks your son, without indication of such, could be manipulating you all. Hmm..

@SnowWhitesSM

I like kids and teenagers. I like my well behaved ones especially so.

OP - pick out your advice on this thread, research some of it. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water because of this. Your gf shared her feelings. They're wrong feelings and she's definitely misplaced her irritations. But this isn't a wreck. You obviously have chosen someone with good parenting skills with her own dc (she's not a crazy ex) I hope you found someone with good qualities, like kindness, happiness, team work abilities ect as well as attraction. I wouldn't throw it away just yet.

He moved her in after 18 months of a relationship where a pandemic would have restricted their movements a lot. He can’t possibly know what she’s like.