Help please. My girlfriend dislikes my 11 year old son

[Wilfm11]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We both live together in a house owned by myself. She has two young girls and their dad plays an active role in their lives. My girlfriend and her ex get on well and have the same beliefs/rules when it come a to parenting. Loving and strict would be a fair summary.
I have three kids, two grown up and a 11 year son. He stays with me every other weekend and two nights in the week.
My ex and I don’t really get since splitting up 3 years ago. I think I parent him with love but try to put rules and boundaries in place. My ex is very loving to our son but has no real rules or boundaries when it comes to parenting. By her own admission she is too attached to him.
In the last 6 months he some times doesn’t want to stay at my house and it becomes a real battle to get him to come over, stating I get too angry with him, too many rules etc. I do try and listen to him, and empathise as his house that we just lived in now has 3 other people living there. He does get on with the two girls and does try hard. My girlfriend has made a huge effort with getting to know him, and talk to him.
So here is where my problem lies, my girlfriend doesn’t understand why I’m not stricter with him and now thinks he plays me. I went to pick him up the other day as planned and he said he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas. His mum who was also present said I needed to sort it out with him! So I agreed I would take him back later. My girlfriend went mad as we had made plans and I was weak/pathetic for allowing it and it was just tough, he should have just stayed the night. I physically cannot make him and he wouldn’t have come out of the house unless I agreed to take him back later. This happens a lot. My ex is not really interested in supporting me to resolve this situation.
My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.
She has previously loads of effort to get to know him and take hime to the cinema etc. But she is very forthright and opinionated. I do struggle to have rational conversations with her …… most of the time.

yes on reflection if u are a decent parent you absolutely tell this partner to go and you do it today. No room for nasty in anyone's life. Feel good for your son in doing it.

I reread your original post again. The things that leap out are that
1)It's happened too fast. 18 months in total for relationship and she's moved in with her kids. Also the last 18 months have been extremely hard and stressful for kids. That's a lot of pressure.
2) listen to the words you wrote. Your gf went mad. Says you're pathetic and weak. Is opinionated. Does not like your son. Is difficult to discuss things with.

Your gf is no good. Sorry. She isn't showing love or empathy for you or your child.

You were both rash for moving in together with kids involved so quickly during a time when the world is upside down. She needs to go and you need lots of one to one time with your child.

Before gf came along, were you happy with your parenting? Was your son happy? Step parenting is very difficult I'm sure but it requires empathy and the long haul not berating the parent for not doing it your way and calling them pathetic.

Bin her. Sorry to be blunt but she's not going to make you happy.

You've moved too quick. 18 months is way, way too soon to be moving in together.

But you are likely to see a change in his personality as he approaches teens.

It's fairly normal that sometimes kids don't want to travel between households. It's hard not to take personally but it's standard. Ex should encourage DC to come but if you've not parted amicably then there's less incentive.

Tbh it does sound chaotic with GF and her kids. I don't know if you've considered exiting this relationship but if you do please take into account that her children will be affected and will need to be managed appropriately.

How dare she tell you she hates your boy.

The OP has already agreed he was overegging that.

Play that back again. "How dare she"? Really? You want to police what another woman thinks or says to her DP in her own home? Did you not have some pretty heated rows with your ex before your marriage collapsed? Did you really expect it to be all sunshine with him in any future relationship?

Whatever problems existed between a man and his ex don't vanish if they need to co-parent. If they disagreed about parenting methods before, that won't have gone away - and now a 3rd party is dragged into their disagreements.

Unless you are demanding celibacy from ex-husbands until they die, you can surely see that the OPs problem will recur with every single future girlfriend he finds. Demanding that he ditches them every time frustrations build up just ensures that your children get raised by an endless succession of unhappy, faceless women. Is that what you actually want? For him to con dozens of women into childminding your kids for nothing but misery in return? How does that benefit your children?

I’ve just started counselling with my ex wife with the aim to introduce my son when the counsellor feels it appropriate.

You’re doing counselling with your ex wife? What on earth for? I can imagine your girlfriend isn’t too happy about that.

Not sure why you think this is the priority and your son can just join later. If he would benefit from seeing someone, do it now.

I hope you are ok this morning op.

I agree with others, 18 months is too soon. No wonder he doesn't want to come over- he is picking up her bad vibes. You need quality time with him on your own. You're not going to get it whilst living with your gf.

@MissHavershamReturns

I hope you are ok this morning op.

Not really, just reading back the comments. But thanks.

What are you going to do?

@Wilfm11 I’m sorry to hear you aren’t ok. The fact you care about this and want to do the right thing for your son is very important.

This place can be full on but the anonymous nature of it means people do tell it straight. I’ve found some threads I’ve started tricky to take on board, but I’ve always been glad I asked

Don't marry her She will have rights over your home, which is also the home of your son. Your Gf is living rent free in your home and dictating how you treat your son. She has a point about boundaries but unless you are being ridiculously lax then she has not right to tell you how to parent in your home. I would be revisiting your relationship with the gf.

When I say don't marry her, it's because she will have more power over you and your son than she already has. She's exercising this power and my red flag is she dislikes your son.

Your Gf is living rent free in your home and dictating how you treat your son

Is this actually true?

Perhaps they are splitting the bills 50/50 including his mortgage! Perhaps she has her own place that is rented out.

However, @inheritancetrack is highlighting one of the main concerns of first wives - that your son might lose out, inheritance wise to your gf's children.

It is best to tackle this issue head-on, early. Finances in 2nd families need to thought out with care, so that nobody loses out, and each persons contributions are valued equitably.

@inheritancetrack

It works both ways. When a man with children marries a childless woman, sometimes the ex expects the new wife to leave everything to her children. Or, even more frequently, some of the older children do!

Marriage shouldn’t even be a consideration here, let alone her daughters inheriting from Op! She hates his child. You don’t recover from hearing that. You end it.

Leaving the girlfriend issue you’ve had more than enough advice on that.

As for not wanting to come. It’s a little like an enforced holiday every two weeks. You have to pack a bag, remember to take the stuff you want, get there, unpack. Realise you forgot something, or think “I’ll do that bit of lego, oh no it’s at the other house”

It’s home but it’s not quite home. Sometimes even though you know you’ll have a lovely time when you get there, your on your sofa surrounded with your stuff in your pjs and you just can’t be bothered.
It’s not always personal

You’ve older children so I you know this anyway as they hit teens their stuff & friends become more important. So start to think of other ways to do contact, (not ideal in covid times) pick up from school, go somewhere fun, dinner and back.

Wow, that’s sad. My heart hurts for your son. Please put your son first. You’d be making a big mistake if you didn’t.

Also agree that 18 months (much of which was at the height of the Covid pandemic) is way too soon. Your GF’s outbursts are a red flag and can only get worse. I’d ask her to find her own place and you build the relationship from there. She parent her own daughters and you parent your son. Only when the two of you are very sure about the future of this relationship should you move in together.

Your son is on the verge of puberty, he is suddenly expected to live in close confines with two girls and their DM. Strangers almost. I didn't see what age the girls were but I'd not be too keen if I was him.-

Anyone that hated my child would be out on their arse, they definitely wouldn't move in with their kids and hoof my own child out and start making rules, it's your son you're talking about here and trying to justify that womans attitude shows you in a very bad light, your son obviously feels uncomfortable with the situation and to be honest it would serve you right if his mother stops contact.

@Fatarseflanagan09

Anyone that hated my child would be out on their arse, they definitely wouldn't move in with their kids and hoof my own child out and start making rules, it's your son you're talking about here and trying to justify that womans attitude shows you in a very bad light, your son obviously feels uncomfortable with the situation and to be honest it would serve you right if his mother stops contact.

Clearly not. Anyone that moved in with you would have to follow all your rules, naturally

This is exactly the type of black and white, wolf-like speak that you try to avoid when using non-violent communication. For a second family to work, you need to evolve away from this type of accusing/blaming speech. This applies equally when communicating with the exes.

Violent speech breaks relationships, so if you value your relationship, find another way to talk. Talk to each other of your feelings and your needs. Solutions will come out of this, as if out of the ether.

It depends what the rules are. If the rules are your son can't eat 7 packets of crisps a day then maybe she does get fed up. Maybe she doesn't hate your son but the way you deal with him? Maybe she actually has made a lot of effort but just feels criticised and that she can't do anything right.

Hi OP.

I think your partner is a cheeky fucker. If it was her house I could perhaps understand it but not given its yours.

I'd make time for you and your son on your weekends with him. Maybe tell your partner to bugger off elsewhere if need be.

As your son is 11 how much parenting does he really need. Meals, homework supervision, cleaning his clothes and ensuring he does the basics like have a wash and brush his teeth.

As a non resident parent (based on my own experience) you are on the back foot. You did the right thing on Xmas day, avoided conflict and got to see your son. Your ex doesn't seem to be doing enough in that regard but it's hard to really do anything about (court order or otherwise!).

I can point you to a website for separated Dad's that may be able to give you their experiences (I've not introduced a partner to the kids so don't have that experience).

If you were having problems with your partners kids I would think there's a wider issue but given it sounds like there isn't I suspect the issue is you feeling torn between your son and your partner and dare I say it her huffing and puffing.

I hope you’ve got the woman out of your property. The fact that both of you thought it was in any way appropriate to move your new lover and her kids in to your house after such a short time shows a worrying lack of safeguarding, foresight, and zero prioritising of the various kids dragged in to this. What on earth were you both prioritising?!
Do better.

I’ve been thinking about this thread and this bit in particular.

and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.

This is probably the whole issue. She’s carved a good life out with you. She gets on with you, her children get on with you, she has a good relationship with ex, she gets nice child free time with you. The spoiler in this is your son. I’m sure it would be lovely for her if he just didn’t exist and she would have a great life. There isn’t much incentive for her to get on with him if she doesn’t want to. I know people who have disliked stepchildren and I can’t see that it ever really improves. In a few years he can refuse to come entirely, would you be happy with that?

OP have a look around the stages of step family development. There's a LOT of hyperbole on this thread 🙄

Also there's an excellent podcast on Spotify called your not my mum. It's a step parents pov and talks about the realities of step parenting. Also a book called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. It might help you both get on the same page.

Try to bring in some compassion to your relationship. She may not being rational to you, but you may also not be being rational to her. No one on this thread will know whether she's utterly unreasonable or really struggling with the dynamics of step parenting.