Help please. My girlfriend dislikes my 11 year old son

[Wilfm11]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We both live together in a house owned by myself. She has two young girls and their dad plays an active role in their lives. My girlfriend and her ex get on well and have the same beliefs/rules when it come a to parenting. Loving and strict would be a fair summary.
I have three kids, two grown up and a 11 year son. He stays with me every other weekend and two nights in the week.
My ex and I don’t really get since splitting up 3 years ago. I think I parent him with love but try to put rules and boundaries in place. My ex is very loving to our son but has no real rules or boundaries when it comes to parenting. By her own admission she is too attached to him.
In the last 6 months he some times doesn’t want to stay at my house and it becomes a real battle to get him to come over, stating I get too angry with him, too many rules etc. I do try and listen to him, and empathise as his house that we just lived in now has 3 other people living there. He does get on with the two girls and does try hard. My girlfriend has made a huge effort with getting to know him, and talk to him.
So here is where my problem lies, my girlfriend doesn’t understand why I’m not stricter with him and now thinks he plays me. I went to pick him up the other day as planned and he said he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas. His mum who was also present said I needed to sort it out with him! So I agreed I would take him back later. My girlfriend went mad as we had made plans and I was weak/pathetic for allowing it and it was just tough, he should have just stayed the night. I physically cannot make him and he wouldn’t have come out of the house unless I agreed to take him back later. This happens a lot. My ex is not really interested in supporting me to resolve this situation.
My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.
She has previously loads of effort to get to know him and take hime to the cinema etc. But she is very forthright and opinionated. I do struggle to have rational conversations with her …… most of the time.

The details don't matter, she hates your son, no matter why that is, she's going to have to move out.

No child should have to spend time in their home with someone who hates them. Give her a couple of weeks to find somewhere else and put your child first.

You know what you need to do. You're living in your own house with a woman who hates your son and can't have a sensible conversation with you.

You'll lose him completely and for what?

It's far too soon to be asking this of the young lad.

My dad chose his GF over me when I was a teenager.

I mentally checked out … didn’t see him for twenty years.

Didn’t get invited to my graduation, my wedding, nothing. I’m sad we missed out on so much.

Don’t risk your relationship for a partner!

@Wilfm11

SM here. The problems you have with this gf will repeat in each future relationship, because they are standard issues that come up time after time on the Step-Parenting forum. So - bite the bullet on the specific issues now and save yourself hassle.

You are the lynch-pin in the whole setup. Your gf has no authority with your son unless you specifically back her up. If the points she raises (bedtimes, meals) are basically reasonable, then listen to her, because she has valid concerns for the health of your son. Unless you work closely as a team, you will both get undermined by the ex's 'rules' or lack of. Remember, it is not your son she doesn't like - it is his behaviour and possibly his manipulation of the 2 family setup.

Get counselling early in a step-family relationship. If you can find someone with specialist experience, even better. This website may be helpful both for your gf and for you:
www.stepfamilyrelationships.com/

@Allthelols

He has a woman and her two kids living in what was his home with his dad. I cannot imagine how hard that feels for a young lad and it’s not surprising he wants some say over what happens. Support your son here.

Thanks. I hear what your saying. I’ve tried to make the move as easy as possible for him. Perhaps I haven’t done a good enough job.

If my partner hated my child they wouldn't be my partner any longer.

Staggers me how casually someone can say a fellow grown up ‘hates’ their own child. I do feel for you somewhat: it’s very difficult when discipline standards are different between 2 separated parents. But don’t let your new DP muddy this - she’s been in your life 18 months. She doesn’t get a say. She needs to take a back seat while you work out how to co parent successfully. If that means leaving your house so be it.

Poor lad, of course he is dropping his visits. If you have picked up on the fact that your GF hates him then of course your son has too. Your son is not the one at fault here.

Dont prioritize any girlfriend, especially one you have only known for 18 months, over your child.

Together 18 months, both have children and you're already living together?

You've both shown really, very poor judgement here. Poor kid.

I personally would not want to live/be in a relationship with someone who claims to 'hate' my son and who I cannot have a 'rational conversation' with.

You got a divorced and are now living with someone else who has children. That's a lot for a kid to deal with.

Put your son first. He is your first responsibility and you don't want to lose him. If that means the relationship has to take a step back, or end, then so be it...

My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.

You need to read this sentence over to yourself as many times as it takes for the penny to drop.

I’ll help you along- no one who I knew disliked, let alone hated my child, would be permitted within a mile of them. No one.

Put your son first. Your girlfriend sounds awful to be honest. Who 'hates' an eleven year old child? Frustration I can understand, but 'hate'? I would separate from her and focus on the relationship with your own flesh and blood.

@FelizNavidads

My dad chose his GF over me when I was a teenager.

I mentally checked out … didn’t see him for twenty years.

Didn’t get invited to my graduation, my wedding, nothing. I’m sad we missed out on so much.

Don’t risk your relationship for a partner!

That’s crap, I’m sorry to hear that. I wouldn’t let that happen. I just wanted to come on here to get some sort of sense check, I think I’m going mad over the whole situation. I get on really well with my two older kids.

Also, you both could work on your communication with each other. Have a look at non-violent communication - it will help with the gf, your son and in negotiations with your ex:

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=nonviolent+communication+youtube&view=detail&mid=4AD9363D910C02FBE1FC4AD9363D910C02FBE1FC&FORM=VIRE

"My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son"

If this is true. You really need to read that back to yourself. Hates and 11 year old child. Hates?

If you have missed all the child abuse cases in the media recently then you seriously are living in a bubble. I am not saying any abuse has gone on, but my god you need to stop this situation right now for the sake of your child so that there never is.

@lunar1

The details don't matter, she hates your son, no matter why that is, she's going to have to move out.

No child should have to spend time in their home with someone who hates them. Give her a couple of weeks to find somewhere else and put your child first.

100%

It really is that simple.

You moved a woman and two children that you have only known for 18 months into his home. You also went and changed the household rules on him. Of course he is unhappy and resisting being there. You told him everything he needs to know about how important you view your role as his father.

Firstly, I dont blame him for not wanting to stop over, and secondly your girlfriend sounds abusive and controlling !

It doesn't matter the whys.

Your girlfriend doesn't like your kid. You can't continue the relationship.

Does he still have his own room or have the sleeping arrangements changed now your GF and her daughters live there?

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]Also, you both could work on your communication with each other. Have a look at non-violent communication - it will help with the gf, your son and in negotiations with your ex:

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=nonviolent+communication+youtube&view=detail&mid=4AD9363D910C02FBE1FC4AD9363D910C02FBE1FC&FORM=VIRE[/quote]
Thank you

How can anyone “hate” an 11 year old. She sounds absolutely vile. Tell her to move out and restore a loving home for your child.

@tattychicken

Does he still have his own room or have the sleeping arrangements changed now your GF and her daughters live there?

Still has his own room, which I’ve made as special as I can for him.

Your child has to come first. You bought them into the world. It's not their fault your relationship didn't work out and you've chosen a new woman who isn't compatible with the family you already have. Taking him to the cinema doesn't know mean she has license to say she hates him. That's just cruel.