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Original poster

Help please. My girlfriend dislikes my 11 year old son

175 replies

Wilfm11 · 28/12/2021 19:30

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We both live together in a house owned by myself. She has two young girls and their dad plays an active role in their lives. My girlfriend and her ex get on well and have the same beliefs/rules when it come a to parenting. Loving and strict would be a fair summary.
I have three kids, two grown up and a 11 year son. He stays with me every other weekend and two nights in the week.
My ex and I don’t really get since splitting up 3 years ago. I think I parent him with love but try to put rules and boundaries in place. My ex is very loving to our son but has no real rules or boundaries when it comes to parenting. By her own admission she is too attached to him.
In the last 6 months he some times doesn’t want to stay at my house and it becomes a real battle to get him to come over, stating I get too angry with him, too many rules etc. I do try and listen to him, and empathise as his house that we just lived in now has 3 other people living there. He does get on with the two girls and does try hard. My girlfriend has made a huge effort with getting to know him, and talk to him.
So here is where my problem lies, my girlfriend doesn’t understand why I’m not stricter with him and now thinks he plays me. I went to pick him up the other day as planned and he said he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas. His mum who was also present said I needed to sort it out with him! So I agreed I would take him back later. My girlfriend went mad as we had made plans and I was weak/pathetic for allowing it and it was just tough, he should have just stayed the night. I physically cannot make him and he wouldn’t have come out of the house unless I agreed to take him back later. This happens a lot. My ex is not really interested in supporting me to resolve this situation.
My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.
She has previously loads of effort to get to know him and take hime to the cinema etc. But she is very forthright and opinionated. I do struggle to have rational conversations with her …… most of the time.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2021 21:00

Did she say she hates or resents him or is she resentful of you giving one child out of 3 in the blended unit you’ve created dictate things in a way which inconveniences everyone else?

She’s been engaged, involved and made an effort. She’s struggling with your behaviour towards him, the control your ex has in her home via you and your son and she’s resenting you.

“You hate my kid” is such a common thing said to step parents by parents when the former try to raise issues that are bothering them. It attempts to minimise the issues and shuts down the other person in such an unproductive way.

Listen to her, really listen if you think there are things ti be saved here. He’s not coming as much because of you, not because of her. If you break up with her your problems of differing expectations with your ex will remain.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 28/12/2021 21:00

I think we need to stop looking at the child’s behaviour as a reason for the adult woman’s feelings. Surely the onus is in her to remove herself from the home of anyone she hates. Why would she want to stay there with someone she hates? The only possible reason is that she holds onto some sort of hope that her partner will make the person she hates stay away. Which of course- no decent parent will do. So she needs to leave and live somewhere that she doesn’t hate anyone.

winterchills · 28/12/2021 21:01

She dislikes your son- the answer is there. You need to move out and put your son first. It's clear she has tried with him but their personalities just don't gel and probably never will

Nogardenersworld · 28/12/2021 21:01

You’re looking at the wrong problems

  • Why are you with a woman you struggle to have rational conversations with
  • why does your son think you are too angry
  • why do you think your son doesn’t want to come to your house (clue: its where there are now extra people living and one of whom at least, definitely dislikes him)
  • what could you be doing to make your son feel more comfortable and not pushed out by all the new people that have suddenly appeared in his family, and dislike him
  • why does a gf of just 18 months live with you and decide how you parent your child
  • why does a grown woman actively dislike a 9 year old.

But to your original question; What can you do about your gf hating your child? find a better gf.

Original poster
Wilfm11 · 28/12/2021 21:02

@Usuallyhappycamper

What stood out for me is this comment

"stating I get too angry with him"

You really need to look at your parenting and ask why that is. Are you being angry at him often? If so then that isn't strict and loving, it's missing the love part. The issues with your girlfriend have been discussed at length, but even if you separate then you will still have a son that doesn't want to see you unless you resolve your communication with him. Of course I have yelled at my kids too, we all have, but I do find it's less effective and more about my own frustration.

Thanks, sound advice. I think I just got frustrated. No I don’t get angry with him often, you’re right it’s less effective.
OP posts:
samwitwicky · 28/12/2021 21:04

I do struggle to have rational conversations with her …… most of the time.

And therein lies the problem.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/12/2021 21:06

I don’t think l could be with anyone who hated my child.

Everything in me instinctively recoils from this. I just wouldn’t even put my dc in this situation.

If she ‘hates’ him now, wait until he’s a teen and awkward and grumpy.

PhotiniaEvergreen · 28/12/2021 21:07

I'm truly sorry for your son. Of course, he doesn't want to stay in the house with the woman who openly dislikes him.
You should always choose your child over partner, whatever her attraction is. She really should not interfere into parenting of a child who she barely knows.

GettingItOutThere · 28/12/2021 21:10

your son needs to come first here, you moved the girlfriend in way oto quickly. Move her out and show your son he is the priority here.
If you do not sort your relationship out with him you will mess him up for life.

At the same time, you need to do that ^ and establish boundaries and dont let him play you either. But to do that you need to have just you and him.

GettingItOutThere · 28/12/2021 21:11

oh but if anyone "hated" my kids they would never see them again/me them.
think about it.

Geppili · 28/12/2021 21:11

Poor poor boy. He is so lost. Suddenly other kids live with him the whole tome. You moved in with your partner and kids unbelievably quickly. Your partner sounds unreasonable and frankly hateful to your poor boy. You are his father. Put him first ffs.

MushMonster · 28/12/2021 21:13

You are on a tough situation indeed! I feel for you and your son.
Given that she put an effort previously, and that the children get along fine, I think you may stillbe able to sort it. At least give it a go. But it is for your girlfriend to support you in this.
In the example you give, when your son comes to the house and says he wants to get back, the way to do it is for your girlfriend to sit with him and calmly tell him she would love for him to stay, that everyone is missing him. Getting mad will push him away further and further. And if he still says no, then lethimget back, smile, insist you all shall miss him and you want to see him soon.
Do not let him dictate things like behaviour, bed time, home work, sweets, and so on..
But allow him to have some control, so if he does not want to watch a film, fine find something else for him to do. If he wants to go back to his mother, I wouldlethim.
Sometimes it only takes for them to see that you listen to them, so they start listening to you, and being comfortable.
He has gone through a lot in short time. You know he comes first.
And she needs to be on board, or I do not see it working

Hottbutterscotch · 28/12/2021 21:14

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expat101 · 28/12/2021 21:14

I would be inclined to organise for your son to visit a counselor or someone professional who can draw out of him if something is going on at your home he may not want to tell you about.

I will never forget a new blended family nearby. While the man and woman were dating, she was the belle of the ball with everyone, couldn't do enough for his young child and all appeared to be going well.

I saw her again with his child and two of her own not long after they were married (the wedding was a sign of things to come with her brother trying to fight the groom) and she pushed his young child off some toys so hers could play with them instead.

It wasn't about sharing and taking turns, but because her children wanted what the man's young child had, the b*tch just got up and pushed his child away in the cruelest of ways.

This child would have been too small to express to his Dad later on what had occurred and I was to see her treat that child similarly again.

Please do your utmost to get your young fellow someone to talk to and find out if this is something similar that is going on for him too.

eveningbubble · 28/12/2021 21:16

@SnowWhitesSM you don't sound like you have a clue with regards children and the capacity for some adults to just be what they appear to be. She hates his son. She is overstepping in a fairly new relationship and cannot have a reasonable discussion about it. It is all about control, no empathy, no understanding of an 11 year old who is sinking in a new set of circumstances, with somebody who hates him in the house. You will lose your son if you don't turn this around now OP, the window for doing this is slim.

Original poster
Wilfm11 · 28/12/2021 21:20

@expat101

I would be inclined to organise for your son to visit a counselor or someone professional who can draw out of him if something is going on at your home he may not want to tell you about.

I will never forget a new blended family nearby. While the man and woman were dating, she was the belle of the ball with everyone, couldn't do enough for his young child and all appeared to be going well.

I saw her again with his child and two of her own not long after they were married (the wedding was a sign of things to come with her brother trying to fight the groom) and she pushed his young child off some toys so hers could play with them instead.

It wasn't about sharing and taking turns, but because her children wanted what the man's young child had, the b*tch just got up and pushed his child away in the cruelest of ways.

This child would have been too small to express to his Dad later on what had occurred and I was to see her treat that child similarly again.

Please do your utmost to get your young fellow someone to talk to and find out if this is something similar that is going on for him too.

Thanks. I’ve just started counselling with my ex wife with the aim to introduce my son when the counsellor feels it appropriate.
OP posts:
Original poster
Wilfm11 · 28/12/2021 21:25

@MushMonster

You are on a tough situation indeed! I feel for you and your son. Given that she put an effort previously, and that the children get along fine, I think you may stillbe able to sort it. At least give it a go. But it is for your girlfriend to support you in this. In the example you give, when your son comes to the house and says he wants to get back, the way to do it is for your girlfriend to sit with him and calmly tell him she would love for him to stay, that everyone is missing him. Getting mad will push him away further and further. And if he still says no, then lethimget back, smile, insist you all shall miss him and you want to see him soon. Do not let him dictate things like behaviour, bed time, home work, sweets, and so on.. But allow him to have some control, so if he does not want to watch a film, fine find something else for him to do. If he wants to go back to his mother, I wouldlethim. Sometimes it only takes for them to see that you listen to them, so they start listening to you, and being comfortable. He has gone through a lot in short time. You know he comes first. And she needs to be on board, or I do not see it working
Thank you for your thoughts. Plenty to think about. I do seek to understand how he is feeling and make time to listen to him.
OP posts:
ldontWanna · 28/12/2021 21:27

Anyone who actually told me they hate my child would be out of my life so fast their head would spin.

It takes a lot for someone to feel it, even more to actually say it to their parent. How confident ,secure and comfortable your GF must feel in your life to say it to your face? Do you think your DS feels as secure and comfortable? As confident in his position in your life? Do you really think he won't feel/realise how she feels about him?

Until now it's been his house, with his dad, with your rules(both of you). In the span of 18 months there are two other children who live there and spend more time with you than he does, and another adult and her rules. Ofc he's kicking off against that. It's not his house anymore, you're not just his dad anymore, it's not just your rules anymore.

TeachesOfPeaches · 28/12/2021 21:32

Sounds like this relationship has progressed very quickly with lots of children involved. Why are they living in your home already ?

OnaBegonia · 28/12/2021 21:45

Everyone homing in on hates my son, OP is it his behaviour she doesn't like?
Maybe take the rose tinted specs off and be honest as to how he behaves/is treated.
If her girls have rules and boundaries it can be very annoying if your DS arrives and gets to do whatever he likes.
If this is going to work you need to be on the same page, he's not a baby and can understand that you do things differently from his laidback mum.

ldontWanna · 28/12/2021 22:07

@OnaBegonia

Everyone homing in on hates my son, OP is it his behaviour she doesn't like? Maybe take the rose tinted specs off and be honest as to how he behaves/is treated. If her girls have rules and boundaries it can be very annoying if your DS arrives and gets to do whatever he likes. If this is going to work you need to be on the same page, he's not a baby and can understand that you do things differently from his laidback mum.
Why should the child's life change because his dad decided to live with someone that has a different parenting style to him? Why should the kid just accept that. Whatever they were doing was (rightly or wrongly) good enough until now, but suddenly it all needs to change? OP doesn't expect his GF to change the way she parents her girls.
OnaBegonia · 28/12/2021 22:14

@ldontWanna
The OP himself said he parents differently from his ex,who seemingly lets the boy do what he pleases, which in turn will be a reason he prefers to be at his mums.

ldontWanna · 28/12/2021 22:22

[quote OnaBegonia]@ldontWanna
The OP himself said he parents differently from his ex,who seemingly lets the boy do what he pleases, which in turn will be a reason he prefers to be at his mums.[/quote]
This behaviour started 6 months ago. Since OP has only been with his GF 18 months, want to guess what prompted the change in the son's and OP's behaviour?

Sunshinemomma3 · 28/12/2021 22:36

@driftcompatible

Anyone who 'HATES' your child needs to go. That's it.
Yes, please put him first. If she can 'hate' a child, there's something not right with her. I'd run.
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2021 05:06

How dare she tell you she hates your boy. He’s 11. That’s still pretty little and such a confusing time. It is well known that young teens / tweens emotionally regress due to the brain rewiring for adulthood. Your ds is probably at a very emotionally fragile stage and on top of it, he has a woman and 2 children, who have taken over his home. No wonder your ex is cocooning him in love. It sounds as though you otoh would do well to go right back to basics if you don’t want to lose your ds.