Husband imposing lockdown long term

[Bluebell3459]

I feel so trapped with nothing to look forward to. I have a 6 month old very clingy baby who only naps on me and a 9 year old with severe ASD. It is really hard to cope with both of them during the day whilst my DH works.

My older child's school is very happy to have him back as he has an ehcp and is therefore classed as vulnerable however my DH thinks it is too much of a risk.

I have spoken to my DH about when he feels he can go back and his view is when we have a vaccine. I really can't go on like this though for the next 18 months as I am exhausted and my older son is regressing badly, really miserable and has started hitting himself.

Since lockdown I have had zero time to myself. I look at mumsnet whilst the baby is napping on me and that is the only time I get. Becuase I am so exhausted I go to bed when the children go to sleep at 8pm.

I have explained how I feel to my husband. He has offered to quit his job and help out however when he is around at weekends I don't find things any easier, he will generally just do something messy with my older son and leave me to look after the baby and clean up. In addition we need his salary, although we could live off savings for a few months we have a massive mortgage and I would worry about him being able to get another job.

His other suggestion was to get a live in nanny when lockdown ends and continue lockdown with her for the next 18 months. I just dont think this is feasible though, I cant imagine we would be able to find someone who would want to do this.

I am also keen to go back to work when my maternity leave ends but this is not going to be possible unless we get external help. My salary is not enough to cover the mortgage so we would both need to work.

I am fed up with living like this. For most people it seems like there is at least some hope of loosening of restrictions but I feel likeI am trapped permantly. I am also worried about my health, I am permantly achy and think I might have fibromyalgia. A a carrier for the genetic condition my older son has this is common.

I thought about moving to my parents house after lockdown for a few weeks break but they feel the same as my husband, that we should not go anywhere until there is a vaccine so we are completely trapped for months on end.

I keep having suicidal thoughts but my husband just dismisses them and says we are much better off than most people as we have a nice house and garden.

Not sure why I am posting, I have no one to talk to about this so just wanted to vent really.

Smilethoyourheartisbreaking

I don't doubt that she knows about provision in specialist schools. Does she know that type of school the ops son is at is my question?

If he at mainstream school then her knowledge of what's happening in specialist schools isn't relevent.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I don’t know why you insist you know better because your son is a teacher. It’s irrelevant to the OP’s situation and she has spoken to the school. She mentioned 1 teacher and 3 TAs, so it sounds like a special educational needs school. Even if it isn’t, she has sought their advice now and has been reassured.

If he has severe ASD (as the OP says he does) the likelihood of him being in a mainstream class is extremely low. And if his class teacher has three TAs, then again, it's likely that he's either in a Specialist school or as ASD unit attached to a mainstream school.

The OP's child is exactly the sort of child that the ehcp places were created for. A child requiring 1-1 support in a group of 4 has very significant needs.
I think most people can see that even if they don't have personal experience but a few people won't be happy unless every person stays home even if that creates immense suffering for people like the OP's son.

Having four students in the class, with one teacher and three tas, now, is no indication that it isn't a mainstream school. It might not be but numbers of students and teachers in a classroom right now is no proof of anything.

My son and sister both work in schools. One primary, one secondary. On some days both of those schools have only had one student in. In the primary school there have been three members of staff in the classroom because of the mixed ages and abilities of the children due to attend. So, on those days, they would have reported one student to three staff members - still a mainstream school and that child had no SEN. So, it's not proof of anything at all.

The son might always be in a class of four students with 1:1 ratios or, that might just be the set up.during lockdown.

The majority of 9 year olds with severe autism are in not in mainstream school.

It's really obvious that you are nit picking to take the attention away from your indefensible attitude.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras Yes my son is at a special needs school with an echp that specifies one to one support. The school is only allowing a limited number of pupils to attend part time to ensure they can meet their needs.

Smilethoyourheartisbreaking

I haven't said that I'm a n expert at all, merely described the situation in multiple mainstream schools that I am aware of.

Funny how Sara s experience currently based on a family member is relevant though isn't it? How is her experience more relevant?

If the op were to explain what type of school her son is attending then maybe it would clarify?

The OP has clarified that it is a special school and that he always has 1:1 support but you are too involved in your own agenda to notice.

Funny how Sara s experience currently based on a family member is relevant though isn't it? How is her experience more relevant?

It's more relevant @Hearhoovesthinkzebras because she specifically and only teaches children with severe ASD in a specialist school. Just as I did. That makes our experience more relevant to the OP who has a child with severe ASD, than the experience of a teacher in a mainstream school which has some SEN children in it (whose needs will be very different from OP's child's)

The OP has clarified that it is a special school and that he always has 1:1 support but you are too involved in your own agenda to notice.

Where has op said this? Apologies if I've missed it

saraclara

Your DDS experience is only relevant if ops son is in specialist provision. If he is in mainstream provision then the experience of a mainstream teacher is more relevant. Until op clarifies both experiences are relevant aren't they?

Your son has an EHCP and schools are obliged to offer childcare to vulnerable children for valid reasons.

Take your son to school. The school will be following strict guidelines. The risk has already been weighed up by Boris and seen as acceptable.

Why does your husband get to decide what happens? Your decision to send your son to school is equally as valid if not more because you are the one who cares for your son if he’s not at school.

Hooves Your son is a secondary teacher. This is a primary aged child, your son's situation isn't relevant. On this page, the OP has confirmed that the school will give 1:1 support that a child with SEN will need.

If nothing else, getting the lad out of the house for a few hours will give the OP a break from trying to stop him from self-harming. It's worth a try.

Your son is a secondary teacher. This is a primary aged child,

And, as I said, my sister works in a primary school. So, I'm hearing about both situations.

Where has the op posted on this page? I'm not being difficult, I literally cannot see this post that you keep referring to.

Scroll up page 4, timestamped Sat 02-May-20 08:19:44.

@bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg

I've seen that post. It doesn't say he's having 1:1 teaching or that he's in a specialist school - it just says there will be four students and four members of staff, which, at the moment could well be a mainstream school.

Does it mean ordinarily there are four pupils to a class with staff ratio of 1:1 or just during the lockdown?

Posters are saying op has clarified that it's a specialist school and he has 1:1 support but I just can't see where op has stated that. Again, apologies if I've missed it.

@icklekid my daughter is in school following her timetable with the staff she is familiar with. There are only 4 children in her class at most, each child has an individual timetable so quite often there is only two children in a class when the other two may be working or receiving therapies elsewhere. In lockdown three of the pupils are in and there are three staff for the full day.

It’s irrelevant if the school is mainstream or not though @Hearhoovesthinkzebras. The OP knows her son better than any of us do. You haven’t said you have any experience of parenting or teaching a child with ASD?

I strongly believe we should adhere to lockdown rules but the decision for certain children to attend school wasn’t made willy nilly. It is sometimes that the risk of harm from not having the protection and support of school is more detrimental than anything else.

Your relatives having teaching experience doesn’t make you an expert. The OP is getting enough stress from her husband’s anxiety without her being made to feel guilty for trying to do what’s best for everyone. She’s discussed it with school and they explained they’re trying to socially distance.

It doesn't say he's having 1:1 teaching

I didn't say that, I said "1:1 support". What do you think those four members of staff will be doing in that room with four kids? Painting their toenails?

or that he's in a specialist school

I did not say that, nor can I find where the OP did. Someone else said that, not me, or do you think that all the people who disagree with you are sock puppets controlled by one person?

it just says there will be four students and four members of staff,

Which is a 1:1 ratio for support.

which, at the moment could well be a mainstream school.

Which doesn't matter. The lad will be with his usual teacher, who is a trained educational professional and used to dealing with him, getting 1:1 support.

My point about my son being a teacher was echoing one made by another poster on here - currently in mainstream schools normal business is not happening. The usual structure isn't in place, their usual classmates aren't present, other aspects of the routine are missing. That's all my point was. That if op thought he was going back to his normal school day with his normal staff, doing his normal activities and that it was that routine that she thought would help him that then it likely wouldn't be like that. That's not me claiming to be any kind of expert, merely pointing out that mainstream schools currently bear no resemblance to pre lockdown.

If she knows that they are his usual teachers/support staff etc then there's no problem is there?

Still can't see where apparently she's said it on here though.

Absolutely nothing is the same as it was pre lockdown. The important thing is that the DS is self harming at home and going back to school despite the routine being changed there might help his mental health. It might not in which case they'll have to think of something else. Right now though OP needs a break.

All of you with experience of the teaching environments and SEN and with adult children who also work in that field I'm sure are all correct and have useful insights for OP!