Husband imposing lockdown long term

[Bluebell3459]

I feel so trapped with nothing to look forward to. I have a 6 month old very clingy baby who only naps on me and a 9 year old with severe ASD. It is really hard to cope with both of them during the day whilst my DH works.

My older child's school is very happy to have him back as he has an ehcp and is therefore classed as vulnerable however my DH thinks it is too much of a risk.

I have spoken to my DH about when he feels he can go back and his view is when we have a vaccine. I really can't go on like this though for the next 18 months as I am exhausted and my older son is regressing badly, really miserable and has started hitting himself.

Since lockdown I have had zero time to myself. I look at mumsnet whilst the baby is napping on me and that is the only time I get. Becuase I am so exhausted I go to bed when the children go to sleep at 8pm.

I have explained how I feel to my husband. He has offered to quit his job and help out however when he is around at weekends I don't find things any easier, he will generally just do something messy with my older son and leave me to look after the baby and clean up. In addition we need his salary, although we could live off savings for a few months we have a massive mortgage and I would worry about him being able to get another job.

His other suggestion was to get a live in nanny when lockdown ends and continue lockdown with her for the next 18 months. I just dont think this is feasible though, I cant imagine we would be able to find someone who would want to do this.

I am also keen to go back to work when my maternity leave ends but this is not going to be possible unless we get external help. My salary is not enough to cover the mortgage so we would both need to work.

I am fed up with living like this. For most people it seems like there is at least some hope of loosening of restrictions but I feel likeI am trapped permantly. I am also worried about my health, I am permantly achy and think I might have fibromyalgia. A a carrier for the genetic condition my older son has this is common.

I thought about moving to my parents house after lockdown for a few weeks break but they feel the same as my husband, that we should not go anywhere until there is a vaccine so we are completely trapped for months on end.

I keep having suicidal thoughts but my husband just dismisses them and says we are much better off than most people as we have a nice house and garden.

Not sure why I am posting, I have no one to talk to about this so just wanted to vent really.

Well to be fair it is very likely a vaccine will be being rolled out before year end.

But even that is too long, and it’s very extreme he wants to quit work. What is driving him, is it fear? Can you try to give him some context, Ie death rates one percent etc to try to help him?

Your dh needs to have them alone at the weekend so you can recover and rest. I have three kids and the younger two (10 and 7) both have asd and adhd. It’s very hard work. Your husband needs to listen that even a few day’s back at school a week would help your son.

Your husband sounds like he’s not listening at all. And sounds incredibly selfish. He wants you to carry everything alone. What would happen if you did send your child to school?

Well to be fair it is very likely a vaccine will be being rolled out before year end

I think it's quite likely we'll never get a vaccine at all. I would suggest that we need to work on the basis that there won't be one, and then if there is, it will be a huge bonus. So the OP's DH needs to have a look at himself. I wonder how much of this is about health and how much is about keeping the OP under control? Though the OP's parents aren't exactly being helpful.

OP just say you are sending DS to school. I don't see why your DH gets to make the decisions.

Your husband isn’t imposing the lockdown - this is a global crisis! And it’s to stop you or any of the family getting this horrible illness. Life with small kids is never easy but you just need to get through this. He shouldn’t quit his job - the chances of getting another at present are very uncertain. Is he working from home or going out? You need a better routine if at all possible. Explain how you feel about cleaning up after him etc and try to get him to help more when not working. It isn’t just you struggling in lockdown - it’s global.

You need to what is best for your DC and if that is going to school then he should go.

It's all about weighing up what is best, and I don't think in your situation waiting for a vaccine is the best choice. You need to be firm with your DH.

@Bluntness100 I doubt there will be a vaccine available to everyone this year. Even if the oxford one works out it will be prioritised for the shielding group and elderly.

My husband is in his 40's, a bit overweight (although trying to loose weight atm) so not officially in a vulnerable group. He did have pnumonia in his 20s very badly which has scared him and he has always been a bit worried about his health.

@dicarter If I sent my son to school I could at least focus on the baby during the day. To be honest though when lockdown ends I would want to reintroduce more of the support we had in place before lockdown as well. We used to have a lady take my older son out for a few hours at the weekend and then my husband and I could share looking after the baby a get a bit of a break. We also had a cleaner.

If your son would do better at school and is regressing then I think you should just tell your DH that that is what will be happy, at least for two or three days of the week. It is for the mental health of your DS and you, both of which are equally important.

I'd feel like telling DH that as you are having suicidal thoughts now it is no longer up for discussion and you will be taking DS to school.

I hope you have some on the ground help for yourself at the moment too. Have you given your GP a call to discuss how you are feeling? Your DH doesn't sound able to empathise much.

Your well-being is important too. I am also struggling mentally at the moment for many reasons, although I don't have young children anymore.

If school are happy to have your dc then you should discuss with your dh again and explain properly. As a parent with a child with a sen I know it must be difficult especially with the baby . His reaction to quit his job is a overreaction . He needs to listen to you as you need to listen to him and compromise. Can the dc go to school 1 or 2 days as a compromise? , he must know that would help you all as well as the dc .

Op it's very worrying to hear you've had suicidal thoughts and you've told your cdh and he has dismissed this. Can you talk to someone externally? Your HV?

My son is also nine and on the autistic spectrum, but not severely. If I could send him to school, even part-time, I would because he misses the routine and it is difficult to get him into a comparable routine at home.

That said, we have all had coronavirus and are recovering.

I don’t think your husband is being reasonable, to be honest. It is you bearing the burden of day to day care and the solution he offers (that he gives up his job) is so unviable that you cannot accept it (ie it is no solution). School would surely have social distancing and hygiene measures in place as much as possible (the teachers do not want to get sick either).

Is your husband quite controlling in other matters or is he acting out of fear here? Does he go out the house to work or is he working from home?

Would your parents help you more with the children and accept daily walks to the park and things? (You can take a child with autism out more than once if it helps keep them calm)

I wonder if when lockdown is released in the UK his mindset might change - at the moment he's being hardline, but will he really stick to it once so many people are back out and about to an almost normal life? Humans are so influenced by what the rest of the herd are doing, it might be that his attitude softens.

Agree about taking to someone external - Health visitor or GP would be able to help you and also be more measured with your Husband about risks.

Thanks all for your replies. 4amwitchinghour, I hope you are right but he made us lockdown a week before everyone else so I am not sure his mindset will change.

@katysun He is not generally controlling but has always been quite anxious about things especially when health and safety is a concern e.g. he does not like me cycling along roads but under normal circumstances would be happy for me to go out on my own in a big safe car. Unfortunately my parents live 200 miles away so it is not possible to meet them at a park and they have a similar attitude to risk as my husband.

I was only considering school as a part time option anyway but my husband still thinks the risk is too high. I am of the view that the risk at the moment is relatively low, there are 11 children in the school, 4 in my sons class and he will have his usual teacher. I think the risk will increase when all the other children start back. Plus the nhs seems to be able to cope atm.

I think this is a very testing time for relationships. I have a 14 year old with ASD but she also has cerebral palsy so is at risk. Its me that is pushing for us to lockdown long term because Im absolutely terrified something will happen to me or one of my children. Don't get me wrong Im not enjoying lockdown whatsoever but I can't see past the danger. DH is much more measured and keen to get back to normal. He's WFH at the moment but I know once the 12 weeks is up his viewpoint will win out because financially we need his job. I feel (very, very irrationally I know) a little resentful about this.

So although I completely empathise with you please try to understand that your husband's judgment is probably being clouded by a lot of fear at the moment. Its not a easy situation at all and Im sorry you are struggling so much

The R rate is less than one. There is mixed information as to whether or not children are transmitting the virus. This is therefore actually a pretty good time for your ds to return.

Mental health is as important and physical health and his decisions do not trump yours. Your dh doesn’t seem to be able to manage your ds or teach him the skills he needs and therefore his giving up work even without considering the financial impact is a red herring.

I think this would be the hill I’d die on (No pun intended) and tell him your ds will be returning to school from Monday. If he chooses to quit work, this will have no impact as school is non negotiable and your ds will be attending.

He sounds very controlling. Does he normally tell you how to live your life?

Who exactly is he concerned about? You or himself?

Why is your husband in charge? He seems controlling particularly with your comments about you being allowed out on your own in your safe car. And giving up his job?? How is that even a reasonable solution? It isn't.

It's no wonder you are struggling op. Send your son to school. Carve out some tine for yourself. Give him the baby and go out for a walk and get some headspace.

The fact you are having suicidal thoughts trumps everything else. This is a serious wake up call. Your husband can not dictate the terms in this way. He is not presenting you with a viable ‘choice’. Maybe he is being irrational due to fear, maybe he is using this as an opportunity to control the household and by extension you, but what ever is going on you need to prioritise your own needs. You matter, and your mental wellbeing at the moment being so fragile has to be prioritised.

Your husband isn’t imposing the lockdown - this is a global crisis! And it’s to stop you or any of the family getting this horrible illness. Life with small kids is never easy but you just need to get through this

I'm sorry, but given the OP, that advice isn't really relevant.

Children with an EHCP are allowed to be in school and the reason that decision was made is because those children frequently have complex needs which can often be better met using the specialist provision that's been put in place around them at school. The notion that specialist SEN provision can be replicated at home or anywhere else at the drop of a hat undermines the whole SEN/EHCP process. If people are coping at home with their SEN DC then great, but if they're not, they shouldn't be left to struggle in silence am until they feel trapped and suicidal.

OP, I agree with PPs that you should speak to Samaritans/Shout/your GP about your suicidal thoughts and I can absolutely see why you feel trapped.

It sounds like the main issue is your DH's health anxiety and I think you need to remember that you're the DC's mother and your opinion as to how they should be raised/educated should carry an equal weight (if not more, since you're doing the bulk of the childcare/schooling).

If it were me, I'd have an honest conversation with school about the issues and see what support they can offer you. You don't have to have the answers - they can help you come up with a workable plan.

I think it's quite likely we'll never get a vaccine at all
Why? The people working in this field are very optimistic, in fact human trials and production are already underway. I think it's very unlikely that we won't.
OP I would be sending your son to school, he obviously badly needs it. Current re search indicates that children under ten do not transmit corona virus to other people, so there really is no need not to.
Perhaps your husband should spend some time actually finding the real facts about the virus (or what we know so far), and that might help him assess risk better and allay any anxiety.
Ultimately though (and speaking as a parent and full time carer of a young autistic adult) I'm afraid I would just go ahead and send him. Mental health is very important.

@catspyjamas123 did you miss the fact that the DH is stopping OP from sending her vulnerable child to school when she could be?

If I was you I’d send my DS to school, he needs it, you need it.
Your DH sounds controlling her let’s you out alone in your car’ how good of him!
He seriously expects you to stay in lockdown for 18mths, he’s nuts.
Stand up to him for your and your DSs welfare.

Please contact your health visitor. Your mental health is vital!
Your dh is an idiot though.

And the fact that he’s going out to work is just as risky as your ds going to school
Done schools will be happy for ds to go a couple of days a week, it doesn’t have to be full time x