Husband imposing lockdown long term

[Bluebell3459]

I feel so trapped with nothing to look forward to. I have a 6 month old very clingy baby who only naps on me and a 9 year old with severe ASD. It is really hard to cope with both of them during the day whilst my DH works.

My older child's school is very happy to have him back as he has an ehcp and is therefore classed as vulnerable however my DH thinks it is too much of a risk.

I have spoken to my DH about when he feels he can go back and his view is when we have a vaccine. I really can't go on like this though for the next 18 months as I am exhausted and my older son is regressing badly, really miserable and has started hitting himself.

Since lockdown I have had zero time to myself. I look at mumsnet whilst the baby is napping on me and that is the only time I get. Becuase I am so exhausted I go to bed when the children go to sleep at 8pm.

I have explained how I feel to my husband. He has offered to quit his job and help out however when he is around at weekends I don't find things any easier, he will generally just do something messy with my older son and leave me to look after the baby and clean up. In addition we need his salary, although we could live off savings for a few months we have a massive mortgage and I would worry about him being able to get another job.

His other suggestion was to get a live in nanny when lockdown ends and continue lockdown with her for the next 18 months. I just dont think this is feasible though, I cant imagine we would be able to find someone who would want to do this.

I am also keen to go back to work when my maternity leave ends but this is not going to be possible unless we get external help. My salary is not enough to cover the mortgage so we would both need to work.

I am fed up with living like this. For most people it seems like there is at least some hope of loosening of restrictions but I feel likeI am trapped permantly. I am also worried about my health, I am permantly achy and think I might have fibromyalgia. A a carrier for the genetic condition my older son has this is common.

I thought about moving to my parents house after lockdown for a few weeks break but they feel the same as my husband, that we should not go anywhere until there is a vaccine so we are completely trapped for months on end.

I keep having suicidal thoughts but my husband just dismisses them and says we are much better off than most people as we have a nice house and garden.

Not sure why I am posting, I have no one to talk to about this so just wanted to vent really.

@Durgasarrow some children in the UK can attend school. Children of keyworkers and those considered vulnerable can attend school as a childcare measure. My dd's school is an independent specialist school (not maintained by the state although the state pay the fees for the children there) and as such the children would be considered vulnerable. Unlike the provision in place in general state schools though dd's school runs a full timetable with lessons and therapies as normal.

Leave the baby with him when you go out on a walk - does he actually appreciate how difficult it is to look after both at once?

Tell him on weekends he needs to clear up after himself. Any activities he does with the kids, he needs to put the place back into the state he left it.

Does he actually split the childcare and housework 50:50 on weekends, or does he just do a bit more than zero? Insist on splitting it evenly. Maybe you can both be 'on' for one morning, so the other gets a lie-in and some peace. But the rule has to be no interruptions - he can't let the kids wander off and find you.

He needs to ensure his work doesn't overrun. Maybe he gets 30 mins grace for emergencies, but after that he takes the oldest regardless.

He also needs to start doing half the overnights (is baby breastfed?)

...essentially, he needs to start to understand what your world is like. Only once he understands the impact on you of not sending DC back to school asap, can you start to have a sensible discussion about the risks/benefits.

OP have two kids with EHCPs. They are both back in school. I have another two NT kids and coping with my most severe child alone for months would be hell. He was loosing everything he had achieved and getting more and more distressed.

Hes and more worn out with school and getting his routine.

For me it was weighing up the risk. I will have to take risks before a vaccine anyway so to me its delaying the inevitable but the meantime living a intolerable quality of life.

I couldnt personally cope with your DHS suggestions. Hes tour kid too

Your son's real needs trump your husband's perceived needs.
Please find the strength to put your foot down on this one. Both your son's and your own mental health matter here. Your DH can not dictate to you when he knows how fragile both you and your son are right now.

Your son's real needs trump your husband's perceived needs.

The husband's need is real. His risk as a forty something, overweight man, is real. He isn't imagining it. The problem here is in balancing the competing needs within this family.

Yes, op is struggling but how much would she struggle if she contracts the virus from her son and then can't breastfeed the baby because she's very unwell? Or if both her and her dh catch it and are hospitalised?

If you worry about everything which could happen without looking at the reality of its probability, then you wouldn't get out of bed, let alone leave the house!

If her dh had had a letter from their gp saying he was in a vulnerable group and should stay at home and shield himself, then he can assume that his personal risk is not much greater than anyone else's. Likewise his wife's risk.

There is obviously a risk that their son is going off the rails and may be permanently harmed by it; there is evidence to back this up as he is already showing strong signs of distress at him situation. As OP says, he needs to be at school and he has the opportunity to be at school.

There is one harm which is actually happening in the family already.
There are other potential harms which are just that, potential. Not happening now.

He could always lose some weight if he's that worried. We've been in lockdown for how many weeks now? How many pounds has he lost? None, I bet.

OP I have no experience of having a child with extra needs, but I know that mental health is important. If your health and your child's health would be better served by him going to school a few days a week then that what he should do.

I don't know who made your DH ruler of the universe, but your needs count too. Living your life ruled by your DH's anxiety/control is not healthy.

Oh another harm is the threat to op's mental health, which is also happening in reality.

So, two actual harms both of which could be lessened, against exaggerated fears of op's dh.

You really want to accept a vaccine with no long-term trials?
Your families risk of getting COVID is likely very low if you do not have serious underlying conditions and are not elderly.
Use your reason and common sense to assess the risk.

If you worry about everything which could happen without looking at the reality of its probability, then you wouldn't get out of bed, let alone leave the house!

And the probability of a 40 something year old man with a co morbidity being seriously unwell from this is not insignificant. I'm not saying that comes above all other issues but that it shouldn't just be dismissed. Maybe they need, as a family, to discuss the options. Is it possible for the son to go to school and the husband isolate at home?

He could always lose some weight if he's that worried.

It's not necessarily the weight that increases his risk. There's some thought now that interactions at a cellular level that contribute to obesity are what increase the risk of complications from Covid, so it's not the weight per se but almost a genetic component. You could lose the weight but you would still retain the risk factor because at a cellular level nothing has changed. That's only a theory however, though given the drugs that are showing promise it's possibly correct.

Oh another harm is the threat to op's mental health, which is also happening in reality.

And maybe the DHS anxiety is a mental health condition too?

You're dismissing his anxiety out of hand and centering the ops at the same time as saying his needs shouldn't come first, whilst placing the ops needs above the dh.

Everyone's needs should be considered and compromises made where possible.

Hearhooves
The thing is he isn’t in the shielding group. Anyone not in the shielding group is likely to get coronavirus sooner or later. We are all social distancing to reduce the number of cases over a short time frame thus protect the nhs. Herd immunity is still the expected outcome if not the goal. Ops dh can of hide forever unfortunately.

Can of = cannot

Send your son back to school
AND make sure everyone has tiptop immune systems. Supplement with vitamin d, esp.you if you have ME. GOVT GUIDELINES ARE 10mcg per person esp if you werent supplementing in winter months. BUT I advise 25mcg a day per adult. Lifechanging for me and dh. Get your dh out in the sun, give him multivitamin for men.
Do not let him control you and kids happiness like this. Take rational steps to improve his anxiety, but dont pander to it.

Schools may be going back soon, it will be good for your son to get back into the school routine while it is still quiet. You can't be keeping up with his education if you have a baby in your arms, that must be very tough.

If he is overweight he increases the liklehood he is vit d deficient insufficient.

Imagine if op was to lock her husband up and claim extreme anxiety. Get fit, get immune support and send son to school for his mental and physical health too.

It would be shocking that you should.have to take antidepressants. Your husband is the problem here and antidepressants isnt going to solve that. Maybe HE is the one who needs them.....

I can empathise with your DH. I feel the same.

Take it in turns at the weekend so you both get a long break. He might realise how hard it is for you when he has sole responsibility/

Your husband has definitely catastrophised his potential risk I think. Not officially classed as vulnerable is the fastest thing I have read. He is no more vulnerable than anyone else. He's not middle aged, he's only slightly overweight and it has been decades since he was ill. I have as it and have a health issue which makes me more vulnerable and I don't class myself as such.

He isn't the boss of you. Do you accept that?

The situation calls for your son to go back to school. See how he goes, you can always only send him part time or keep him off again If he doesn't cope but honestly, you are an adult and need to remember that. You matter. Your children matter. He doesn't get to tell you want you can and can't do unless you are putting the dc at risk. You aren't.

As he's offered why doesn't your dh quit his job and look after the dc and you go back to work?

Thanks for all your replies. My DH is worried about his own health as a middle aged slightly overweight male he feels the risk to him is high. Plus he had pneunomia in his 20s and was seriously ill from it which I think is making him extra worried.

Given talk of live in nanny etc. money can't be that tight so is there not a solution for your DH to isolate alone, the cost would not be that high (short term rental properties are cheap right now in lots of places due to the end of airbnb), whilst it would leave you without any support from him, it would also leave you and your children more able to access their existing support, that will become even more true once things are more generally relaxed.

Mummyoflittledragon

Sorry but I disagree. We won't all get it at some point, at least not by looking at the current data. The number of people who have had it is actually very small. It doesn't follow at all that we will all get it.

I've just been looking at the latest study done by Imperial college. They studied over 16,000 people admitted with it.

25% were younger than 57.
45% had no co morbidities.

2% were under 18
1.1% were under 5.

I don't think you can dismiss any adult who is concerned about catching it as being unreasonable.

So, two actual harms both of which could be lessened, against exaggerated fears of op's dh.
Yes. DS is self harming. OP is suicidal.
DH is over anxious about himself, yet not about them?

Husband sounds like a bit of a controlling person who only cares about himself!

Tell him to self isolate somewhere else for 18months! You and the kids are not high risk. Make sure you go back to work when you can after mat leave - I’d not be wanting to become reliant on someone like this man! You need your own money and independence!

Life is not as simple as let’s both quit our jobs and hide at home indefinitely - the mortgage and bills need to be paid ! He will have to just take the risk I think and be as careful as possible - he can’t enforce a lockdown on you - when things start to go back to normal you can do what you want it’s not up to him!

Send your son back to school if you think it best !

He is not generally controlling but has always been quite anxious about things especially when health and safety is a concern e.g. he does not like me cycling along roads but under normal circumstances would be happy for me to go out on my own in a big safe car.

This part is a bit concerning tbh - definitely sounds controlling!!

You can do whatever you want!