Husband imposing lockdown long term

[Bluebell3459]

I feel so trapped with nothing to look forward to. I have a 6 month old very clingy baby who only naps on me and a 9 year old with severe ASD. It is really hard to cope with both of them during the day whilst my DH works.

My older child's school is very happy to have him back as he has an ehcp and is therefore classed as vulnerable however my DH thinks it is too much of a risk.

I have spoken to my DH about when he feels he can go back and his view is when we have a vaccine. I really can't go on like this though for the next 18 months as I am exhausted and my older son is regressing badly, really miserable and has started hitting himself.

Since lockdown I have had zero time to myself. I look at mumsnet whilst the baby is napping on me and that is the only time I get. Becuase I am so exhausted I go to bed when the children go to sleep at 8pm.

I have explained how I feel to my husband. He has offered to quit his job and help out however when he is around at weekends I don't find things any easier, he will generally just do something messy with my older son and leave me to look after the baby and clean up. In addition we need his salary, although we could live off savings for a few months we have a massive mortgage and I would worry about him being able to get another job.

His other suggestion was to get a live in nanny when lockdown ends and continue lockdown with her for the next 18 months. I just dont think this is feasible though, I cant imagine we would be able to find someone who would want to do this.

I am also keen to go back to work when my maternity leave ends but this is not going to be possible unless we get external help. My salary is not enough to cover the mortgage so we would both need to work.

I am fed up with living like this. For most people it seems like there is at least some hope of loosening of restrictions but I feel likeI am trapped permantly. I am also worried about my health, I am permantly achy and think I might have fibromyalgia. A a carrier for the genetic condition my older son has this is common.

I thought about moving to my parents house after lockdown for a few weeks break but they feel the same as my husband, that we should not go anywhere until there is a vaccine so we are completely trapped for months on end.

I keep having suicidal thoughts but my husband just dismisses them and says we are much better off than most people as we have a nice house and garden.

Not sure why I am posting, I have no one to talk to about this so just wanted to vent really.

He cannot control your actions. Because he has no right to do so.

If one partner wants to live in complete isolation and the other does not, then the one who is not the primary carer of the children should go and find a cheap 1-room bedsit etc. to live in until a vaccine is available.

Yes, it would cost money, but it would be cheaper than him quitting his job or the pair of you hiring a live-in nanny.

Threatening to quit his job is a way to get you to stop talking about this. Clearly, the family need an income so unless he is a complete idiot he is saying this to blackmail you into keeping quiet

100% this.

I agree with much of what previous posters have said about your H being controlling - whether it's due to his anxiety or not the outcome is the same: you are controlled by him, he's in charge. Do you feel like an equal adult in this relationship?

What's jumped out at me is your mention in a subsequent post that your 9 year old has not been out of the house since a week before lockdown. Is that because he cannot cope on walks, or is it because your H has dictated this? It seems extremely unhealthy to me. I would go crazy and so would my DC if we could not leave the house for months at a time.

Op - he sounds like my h, controlling. I know how hard it can be to see when you're in it. I find it hard to judge my own situation but I can see yours. He doesn't let you ride a bike but lets you use the car on big roads. That's not normal. He shouldn't be letting or not letting you do anything. Maybe he thinks he's reasonable over the bike rides, maybe it would be risky to go bike riding down one of those busy roads, but you're a grown adult and that should be your call. I often find myself asking for "permission" to do things or checking things with him, rather than feeling able to just do them and my h is always "reasonable". It's one of his favourite words. I wonder if it's the same for you. I bet your husband doesn't feel that way when he wants to do things. I know mine doesn't.

I don't believe he intends to give up his job, I think it's a trick to make you think he's giving you options, but he knows that isn't a real option.

He shouldn't be the only one with a say and his feelings do not trump yours.

He seems very determined to take care of himself regardless of the effect on others in the household. You therefore have the right to do the same. Send your son to school. Your MH is just as important as his physical help.

What are you afraid will happen if you 'defy' him?

health, not help. Of course it would be nice if he helped, too.

There are a number of different issues here and lots of good advice.

The first and foremost is your mental health. It is very important to speak to a medical professional who can properly advise on whether antidepressants would help. Yes, you are right that it is situational but the point is that antidepressants will help give you more mental energy to think what to do about this, and stop you spiralling more into depression and despair. Just because it is situational does not make the mental health impact less valid or real or antidepressants less likely to help. They will help you cope and find a way through. Taking them does not mean the situation will not change or it is simply your mind which is wrong - far from it, it just means that they may help you change the situation. I hope that makes sense.

Second most important is your children’s wel-being. It really does sound as if your son would benefit from being in school, even part-time. As his mother, and primary carer, your view on this is valid. Also, are you getting DS out for walks as well? I know all children with autism are different but for my DS, making sure he gets out twice a day (once with me and once with his older sister, as I am a single parent) makes a big difference. I agree with the suggestion upthread to also speak with the school who know his needs.

Thirdly, it does sound like this lockdown situation is bringing out already controlling tendencies. I am anxious about my teenage DD going out cycling but I don’t stop her, she just lets me know where she is going and takes her phone. At the moment, as we have been ill and she is the only one fully and clearly out of quarantine and without symptoms, she is also doing the shopping weekly.

I agree that the quitting his job suggestion is emotional blackmail.

(Is he trying to lose weight if he is concerned this is an issue? Or just keeping you closed off from what is left of normal life?)

Take one step at a time to untangle this and don’t blame yourself or despair. There is still a world out there for you, even in these difficult circumstances. Talking about things and posting on here is such an important step in addressing the problem; please do try and reach out as well to someone in real life.

He is working from home and none of the household has been out since a week before lockdown began. My DH stockpiled lots of food and we get online deliveries. I go for a walk occasionally with the baby which is low risk as we live rurally.

Your DH sounds like a nightmare, to be honest. Do you have to beg and plead to be "allowed" out on your walk?

Dear OP,
My first thoughts regarding your first post was that husband can escape the hard work at home and you can't. It reads that you feel you have no choice, which is always an awful situation for a person to feel they are in. It is never truly the situation, but it just feels it at the time.
The biggest worry as I read on was what you said about your thoughts on suicide and your husband's dismissal of these thoughts. This needs to be your priority. Feeling trapped to make people feel hopeless and feeling hopeless can make people want to escape. Sometimes the only escape can feel suicide but it really isn't. I will start here and treat it as a matter of urgency, try not to even enlist your husband help over this one he's made it clear that he will not validate this but he should, even though he doesn't. I'm not dissing your husband because I'm sure that we wouldn't be with him if you didn't have good points, but it's not about living in a good house, it's about your well-being, which sounds like it's taking a hammering at the moment (understandably so, I think I'd feel the same).

Sorry about the parts that make no sense, I talked it out on Siri, and it appeared fine but the red underlined words I see have been switched without my consent, when I pressed the post button!

@Bluebell3459, 1. here's sending you a huge hug. I'm sorry beyond words to see you struggling like this. and 2. Please, please, please, talk to someone.

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling so much. I do think your husband is being controlling and your son would benefit from being in school. I understand being anxious but I think this has gone beyond that and he’s controlling you with it. The risk to him is very low and he’s not being fair on you or your son.
Please see if you can get a telephone appointment with a GP.

OP my daughter has autism and has attended her specialist school throughout lockdown. I believe that for her, healthwise, it would be worse for her to be away from the school she loves with all the support they offer that for us to risk exposure to coronavirus. Your son's school sounds similar to my daughter's low numbers of children and high numbers of staff. Her school have been offering part weeks to their pupils so that numbers are even lower than usual. So where there would generally be two or three children with four or five staff in a class the children are now being taught individually 1 to 1 instead (lots of buildings and rooms to enable this)
It sounds like you and your son definitely need some support and he would benefit by having school in his life. Your husband isn't in charge, his concerns for his own health don't outweigh your child's needs and your own MH needs. Please contact the school and your GP and get support in doing what is right for you all not just what your husband has decreed.

Firstly, please prioritise your mental health and revisit the moderator post above which contains excellent support. You do need to speak to someone in real life - you must also not dismiss your suicidal thoughts and need to take action to get help with them - there is a lot of help without judgement available to you - please take that first step.

It is much harder to address mental health issues with partner support when it would appear your DH is also suffering with extreme anxiety but in a very different way. It is very difficult and strange for lots of people and the first thing is to acknowledge that everyone has the right to feel the way they do.

I hope you do get some real life support. Also, exercise is good for the mind - make sure you get out for your daily exercise every day for at least and hour - this will help.

Take care

Hi

I don't think it's drugs you need, it's personal freedom! Living like that, being dictated to, your suicidal thoughts (🌷) being swept to the side, etc

Being 'worried about' is MASSIVELY controlling.

Your DH is prioritising his (exceedingly low risk) of dying of CV over everyone else in the family.

Are you scared of him? What would happen if you took DS to school.

You should ring the school today & ask what provision could be made for DS next week.

You need to prioritise YOU, because your DH is only considering himself.

You cannot continue like this.

Ps. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with taking Anti D's, I just think most of us would be feeling like you if we were living as you are and that it's not necessarily a reflection on your MH as much as a very normal response.

Well your dh needs to take time off to look after the kids then id he is imposing lockdown.
he's not your boss, and sounds like the reason for your mh problems.
Try to get baby to sleep elsewhere, it may be a pain settling to begin with, but you'll get your freedom back.

Think my school weren,t wanting the part time option, you send them or you don,t.. Yes your son could go but why can,t you keep him at home but make sure you go out every day for a walk, ride. This would cause less of a risk for every one and may help ds stress levels. . School is an option and I can see why you would send him but I also know teachers rather children weren,t sent if they can avoid it as it,s more risk for them. If you really feal it would help you all if he went to school then do this. Don,t "ask" your oh tell him. But yes he is reasonable to not like the idea and many will say if you are at home able to look after him then why not?. (seeing things from both sides, not favouring either side.)

I understand how you feel. I have a severely autistic 21 year old. He’s usually a boarder at a specialist college but he’s been home for 6 weeks. It’s hell on Earth. It’s ridiculous to wait for a vaccine. Being at home us not going to help your son or you. We have to learn to live with this virus around us.

Your husband is being very unreasonable!

One of the big things the government has always talked about is getting balance right between the good a lockdown will do in preventing spread, and the harm it does to mental health, physical health, education and the economy. Your DH is only seeing one side, but there’s no point in sacrificing all other aspects of health to prevent getting a virus which for your family is highly likely to not cause a significant disease.

It sounds like your DH is using lockdown to control you, and what you’ve said makes him sound pretty manipulative. If he is genuinely that anxious that he would sacrifice his families wellbeing in all other aspects, he needs to talk to someone about that.

Tell your husband to get to fuck! He isn’t the boss of you and you sound like you are really struggling.

Agree with PP about getting external support for you from the HV. Your son should be at school for both his and your benefit.

As a teacher who looks after children in school for key workers or those with HCPs I would happily have him if I knew it meant you were going to recover some of your mental health.

He should not be deciding whether or not you are allowed to go for a cycle or whether you must drive. If you want to go for a cycle then leave the children with him and go for a cycle.

My DH and DD3 like going for the occasional cycle. I'm a bit anxious about them doing this and do prefer them to tell me the routes they are thinking of taking, if they have even decided themselves. I always remind them to take their phones (which I hope they have remembered to charge first 🙄), but I don't try to stop them.

Your husband is being very controlling. Your mental health is suffering badly. You need to send DS to school for part of the week and DS is very clearly showing that he needs to go to school.

You need to psyche yourself up to give DH something of a kick up the arse because he is dismissing your serious suicidal thoughts and isn't thinking at all about DS's needs.

Tell him that you are not taken in by his threat to jack in his job because you both know that if he did then family money would soon run out. So he can stop insulting your intelligence by trying to pull that shit.

Tell him as forcefully as you can that dealing with DS's challenging behaviour and with the baby, with broken nights in the mix too. Tell him that a large part of the solution for now is that DS must go part time to school. That DS wants to go to school and is currently self-harming because of not going to school.

Tell him that you are serious about how your mental health is plummeting, that you will be seeking professional help (please do) and that you expect him to give you proper support, not threats designed to try and keep you in your place.

Tell him. Don't do it in a seeking his opinion kind of way because he has shown that he is unable to respond to this. He can clearly see the effects that his original stance has been having on you and the children, so that should have prompted him to try and rethink. It didn't. So now you have to push it. I speak from some experience there.

All easy to say, isn't it? I know it isn't so easy to do, particularly the first time. I wish you the best.

He is not being fair to you or the children and he needs to listen to you. Youre having suicidal thoughts - that trumps everything else. Please please talk to a GP x

Current re search indicates that children under ten do not transmit corona virus to other people, so there really is no need not to.

How can that possibly be true? Can you link to the research? If you are infected you can transmit the virus - why would that not apply to children?

There's a lady on another thread who caught it from her 8 year old.

Children can go to school in the UK???

Children can go to school in the UK???

Children of key workers, children with special needs best served in school and children who are in vulnerable situations at home can go to school in the UK. It is not formal schooling for the most part, it is childcare provision. That is how I have understood it.

Schools have basically been repurposed.