Husband imposing lockdown long term

[Bluebell3459]

I feel so trapped with nothing to look forward to. I have a 6 month old very clingy baby who only naps on me and a 9 year old with severe ASD. It is really hard to cope with both of them during the day whilst my DH works.

My older child's school is very happy to have him back as he has an ehcp and is therefore classed as vulnerable however my DH thinks it is too much of a risk.

I have spoken to my DH about when he feels he can go back and his view is when we have a vaccine. I really can't go on like this though for the next 18 months as I am exhausted and my older son is regressing badly, really miserable and has started hitting himself.

Since lockdown I have had zero time to myself. I look at mumsnet whilst the baby is napping on me and that is the only time I get. Becuase I am so exhausted I go to bed when the children go to sleep at 8pm.

I have explained how I feel to my husband. He has offered to quit his job and help out however when he is around at weekends I don't find things any easier, he will generally just do something messy with my older son and leave me to look after the baby and clean up. In addition we need his salary, although we could live off savings for a few months we have a massive mortgage and I would worry about him being able to get another job.

His other suggestion was to get a live in nanny when lockdown ends and continue lockdown with her for the next 18 months. I just dont think this is feasible though, I cant imagine we would be able to find someone who would want to do this.

I am also keen to go back to work when my maternity leave ends but this is not going to be possible unless we get external help. My salary is not enough to cover the mortgage so we would both need to work.

I am fed up with living like this. For most people it seems like there is at least some hope of loosening of restrictions but I feel likeI am trapped permantly. I am also worried about my health, I am permantly achy and think I might have fibromyalgia. A a carrier for the genetic condition my older son has this is common.

I thought about moving to my parents house after lockdown for a few weeks break but they feel the same as my husband, that we should not go anywhere until there is a vaccine so we are completely trapped for months on end.

I keep having suicidal thoughts but my husband just dismisses them and says we are much better off than most people as we have a nice house and garden.

Not sure why I am posting, I have no one to talk to about this so just wanted to vent really.

Also for your own sake, this afternoon when he finishes work hand over both children and take a well earned break. Let him deal with both of them as you have been left to deal with both of them.

He only gets to hand back the baby if he/she is breastfed.

I agree your eldest should be in school part time. Your mental health is of the upmost importance.

Your opinion counts just as much as your Dh's and there should be a discussion, he does not get to dismiss your concerns over your own mental health. Just because you have a nice house and garden does not inocculate you from having mental health problems.

If your son would do better at school and is regressing then I think you should just tell your DH that that is what will be happy, at least for two or three days of the week. It is for the mental health of your DS and you, both of which are equally important

I'd feel like telling DH that as you are having suicidal thoughts now it is no longer up for discussion and you will be taking DS to school

I agree with this. And also, I think your DH's offer to give up work is a red herring. It's so obviously not a sensible option. He knows you won't say yes to it, so it allows him to appear to be addressing the problem and providing a solution without really doing so - it's therefore a fake offer of help. He isn't listening to you at all. He hears you saying that you're having suicidal thoughts, but I think his mind is re-interpreting that as "I'm a bit depressed". You need to sit him down and hammer home to him how serious this is.

Send your son to school, OP. Do it now.

Can he take time off? Leave him at home with your children for a week and see what he says after that.

Your son needs to go to school. He is exactly the kind of child schools are staying open for. If he is regressing, he is distressed. He needs the routine/expert support of school and you clearly need a break.

Your husband doesn’t get to make all the decisions!

Sorry you feel this way. The Samaritans have a free on line chat facility. You can talk to them in secret, no one will know.
Look after yourself.

I understand your dh is worried. His needs don’t trump yours or your baby’s or your ds’s. It sounds as though you are at risk of deteriorating. He has decided the threat of a him potentially dying from coronavirus to be higher than you of being completely unable to cope or acting on your suicidal thoughts. This is totally unknown. One thing for certain is you cannot continue as you are. He is not your boss.

As someone suggested, please contact your health visitor and your Gp. Also it would be and idea to contact the school to talk about the option of sending your ds back and how much notice you would need to give.

As for medication, I know it is not ideal. However, you do have the option to stop breastfeeding if you need a certain one.

Your husband is being very unreasonable. I would be sending my child into school given your circumstances.

The mental well being of yourself and your older child are so important.

Your husband sounds very controlling - not allowing you to cycle but being OK as long as you go out in a 'large, safe car'.

It also sounds very ironic that he's so concerned about the risk of being infected with C19 but dismissive of you feeling suicidal.

Why is Op's DH the only one with an opinion that counts? Sorry OP but he sounds quite controlling and dictatorial. Your DS would be happier at school but DH is refusing to listen to reason? Would worry me a great deal.

Your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. His suggestion to quit his job is nor serious, it's just to make you feel silly and say, oh you can't do that! As if you're being unreasonable.
I don't blame you for struggling. I have an 8 month old and 2 other adults in the house and it's still bloody hard because I don't get much of a break from her. I can't imagine how you're feeling. Stay strong, there will be an end to this. Anyone in your position may feel the way you do. Your not in an equal partnership and you need to think about the impact that has on your mental health.

Hi OP,

It is critical for your family that your mental health Is prioritised. Your DH is not doing this. In fact he has dismissed your pain as if having a nice house and garden means it is impossible to feel suicidal. Since you told him you are having suicidal thoughts, he should be dropping everything to help you. Instead he has dismissed you. If you were a friend of mine I would be doing everything I could to support you - why not your husband?

Maybe this is a question for another day. Meanwhile....

So, you have to take yourself seriously and take proper steps to look after yourself. Ring your GP urgently! They will take you seriously. Do you have a sympathetic friend you can contact, just to tell them how you are feeling? You sound very isolated.

I have a son with High Functioning ASD. I didn’t think twice about sending him to school. He has been going since the end of the school holidays and he really enjoys It... for ASD children I should think it’s great...not many kids, nice and calm and quiet...keeping safe and predictable routines. I would recommend it. Of course that means you could say he is our weakest link, infection-wise, but he comes in, washes his hands and he is v good at social distancing, which the school has really emphasised. Your DH obviously needs convincing that this is the best thing for your son! Your son’s needs are really important too...doesn’t he at least want to prioritise your DS?

Really your DH is being selfish and controlling. Why does he get the final say on this? Who made him God? If school is right for your son, you need to fight for it. It also happens to be right for you too.

If you husband is so concerned about his own health, surely he can self-isolate in your lovely house? There’s probably enough space by the sound of it. He could keep separate meal times, cook his own food and carry his own anti-septic wipes.

Wish you better OP. Do look after yourself, you are important and deserve to be looked after as well.

Why would be in lockdown for the next 18 months?

I'm not sure whether encouragement to be medicated is necessarily the best advice - you sound overwhelmed with being trapped, constricted - controlled.

How much does he use the 'safety' argument for in ordinary circumstances? Leaving the house unsupervised/not able to be tracked in the car? Not being in constant contact? Not answering the phone immediately? Going out after dark? Shopping unsupervised? Meeting people whilst he's at work?

I would send your DS to school. The risks are very low and school are managing the children brilliantly - socially distancing and hand washing etc. Reassure your husband, but as you’re the main childcarer you should be able to make the decision for your DS wellbeing and your own. The reason the schools have stayed open is to support children like your DS x

"it is very likely a vaccine will be being rolled out before year end"

bluntness Whitty and co have already said it almost certainly won't happen this year

Hopefully it will before next winter

That's winter 2021

If you are having negative/suicidal thoughts you need to address this as a matter of immediate importance. This is a very difficult time for everyone and you have a right to some time for yourself in some shape or form.

Your DH needs to understand exactly how you are feeling so that he can support you, either practically, by giving you a break from the children or by supporting your decisions in regards to sending your older DC back to school (if this is what you feel is right for you.) Remember, you do need to look after yourself just as much as anyone else, including your family members and your DC's. If your mental health goes into decline because you aren't getting the support you need to continue your caring responsibilities, this will have a knock-on effect on everyone.

Sit your DH down and tell him exactly how you feel, what you would like to happen and the reasons why. Also, please have a look at this website:

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/your-mental-health/getting-help

If it's any help I was prescribed Sertraline whilst breastfeeding and that was fine. Definitely go and see your doctor.

I don't see why your husband gets the final say. Either your son goes back to school or he looks after the son and all the cleaning up from any activities they do while you look after the baby.

You clearly need more of a break as it's impacting your mental health so you will need to outline what jobs you need him to do that actually make a difference to your day.

How does he make you stay at home? If you are appeasing him by obeying his edicts then you need to think about why, what makes you need to appease him?

I echo HedgehogHotel in saying you are not his servant to do as you are told, you have needs which are just as important as his; your views are as valid as his. He needs to accept this.

You are suffering under his misrule so he needs to step back and pay attention.

I agree to please speak to your HV about your suicidal thoughts etc. You need to get a plan in place that will balance lockdown with your family's other needs including your mental health. I hope you feel better soon

He is controlling and ridiculous

Once lockdown ends, if none of you are shielded,
then you should both be able to go to work and use childcare

I wonder also what the rules on school attendance will be after lockdown is lifted

• he may not actually have the option, unless he plans to deregister the child, which afaik requires both of you to formally agree to this

Why do you have to do what he says? What would happen if you just said "I disagree, I think ds going back to school is more important."

You have a child with SEN who is already self-harming (that's what "hitting himself" is) and your husband is prioritising a small risk to himself over that? That's unacceptable on its own, his disregard for your mental health makes it even worse.

Send the boy back to school. If your husband gives you shit for doing so, divorce him. He can lockdown on his own.

Your husband is an idiot
He does actually sound very controlling.

1. Threatening to quit his job is a way to get you to stop talking about this. Clearly, the family need an income so unless he is a complete idiot he is saying this to blackmail you into keeping quiet.
2. You are struggling. Your ds should be at school. I have two with asd. My eldest is now an adult but at 9, he was an utter nightmare and there is no way I would have kept hm at home in this scenario.

You need to start standing up for yourself. Don't ask him, tell him that you can no longer manage and nor is it good for your ds. Contact the school and tell them you need the place. If he starts talking about quitting his job, call his bluff and tell him to crack on with it, tell him he can pull him out of school when and if he is at home. Until then, he goes to school.