Husband imposing lockdown long term

[Bluebell3459]

I feel so trapped with nothing to look forward to. I have a 6 month old very clingy baby who only naps on me and a 9 year old with severe ASD. It is really hard to cope with both of them during the day whilst my DH works.

My older child's school is very happy to have him back as he has an ehcp and is therefore classed as vulnerable however my DH thinks it is too much of a risk.

I have spoken to my DH about when he feels he can go back and his view is when we have a vaccine. I really can't go on like this though for the next 18 months as I am exhausted and my older son is regressing badly, really miserable and has started hitting himself.

Since lockdown I have had zero time to myself. I look at mumsnet whilst the baby is napping on me and that is the only time I get. Becuase I am so exhausted I go to bed when the children go to sleep at 8pm.

I have explained how I feel to my husband. He has offered to quit his job and help out however when he is around at weekends I don't find things any easier, he will generally just do something messy with my older son and leave me to look after the baby and clean up. In addition we need his salary, although we could live off savings for a few months we have a massive mortgage and I would worry about him being able to get another job.

His other suggestion was to get a live in nanny when lockdown ends and continue lockdown with her for the next 18 months. I just dont think this is feasible though, I cant imagine we would be able to find someone who would want to do this.

I am also keen to go back to work when my maternity leave ends but this is not going to be possible unless we get external help. My salary is not enough to cover the mortgage so we would both need to work.

I am fed up with living like this. For most people it seems like there is at least some hope of loosening of restrictions but I feel likeI am trapped permantly. I am also worried about my health, I am permantly achy and think I might have fibromyalgia. A a carrier for the genetic condition my older son has this is common.

I thought about moving to my parents house after lockdown for a few weeks break but they feel the same as my husband, that we should not go anywhere until there is a vaccine so we are completely trapped for months on end.

I keep having suicidal thoughts but my husband just dismisses them and says we are much better off than most people as we have a nice house and garden.

Not sure why I am posting, I have no one to talk to about this so just wanted to vent really.

She’s not forcing anything, she’s asking for help and support from her husband.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg

What has the op done about her declining mental health? Her feeling suicidal may well be PND, and absolutely nothing to do with the effects of lockdown. The son going to school may not help the ops mental health one iota.

It can't be helping anyone that neither the op nor the children are getting out for exercise either. Plus, you don't know that the son going to school will actually help. My son is a teacher and said that all they are doing is baby sitting. They aren't teaching, the normal structure and routine is not in place and there are very few children in school so the age groups are mixed in one classroom. Maybe that scenario won't help the son at all. So, to use your format, they would then have the risk of infecting the household Vs no benefit to either op or her son.

As I said, everyone's needs should be accommodated. If the dh remains this concerned but op is determined to send the son to school then the dh will have to review how he protects himself and what level of risk he can cope with.

Maybe op and her dh should both speak to the Dr about their mental health? Neither seem to be coping very well

JKScot4

Absolutely nowhere have I said her needs don't matter, nor that anyone should now to the mighty man.

If a man was claiming to be suicidal posters would be telling the wife that that is abusive. That it isn't for her to solve his mental health issues and that if he feels suicidal then he needs to seek appropriate help, not use it to attempt to control other family members.

I very much doubt the ops mental health issues will be resolved simply by sending her son back to school. They are a separate issue that needs appropriate investigation by a health professional.

The husband's fear of contracting a serious infection that is killing hundreds of thousands of people worldwide is not irrational. They need to find a way to manage all of the competing needs within this family. I just don't see sending the son to school as the panacea that many of you do.

If the op is feeling suicidal then she should seek appropriate support for that from her GP. Her mental health is a separate issue and really shouldn't be used to force her dh to act in s certain way

But that just hasn't happened according to the information that the op has given in this thread. She hasn't forced him to do anything and there's no indication that she's tried to use suicide as a weapon to get her own way. Whereas so far the husband has actually used his anxiety to control things the op does/doesn't do. Not just regarding the school place, but not letting her go on bike rides.

But that just hasn't happened according to the information that the op has given in this thread. She hasn't forced him to do anything

That's exactly what posters are telling her to do - insist to her dh that son goes back to school because of how it is affecting not only the son but also the ops mental health.

As for the bike ride, the op never came back to expand on that. We have no idea what she meant or whether there are reasons for it.

Maybe the dh is controlling or maybe there are reasons why it isn't safe for op to cycle around.

My point is that she shouldn't force her husband to take a risk that he feels is too great.

I also don't see the return to school as a panacea - the baby will still be clingy, op will still feel the same, dh will be anxious, son might not cope with the disruption that is happening in schools right now plus the household might get infected.

Plus, you don't know that the son going to school will actually help.

The DfE think it will, otherwise they wouldn't grant SEN kids dispensation to attend school.

My son is a teacher and said that all they are doing is baby sitting.

Does your son teach SEN kids?

"I very much doubt the ops mental health issues will be resolved simply by sending her son back to school."

Many carers of severely disabled children were right on the cusp of not coping before the present situation. The impact of lockdown has pushed them over the edge.

There is also child so distressed they are hurting themselves. You seem to be ignoring that part of things.

Every thread you have been on you have argued against anyone going out anywhere including when people being so distressed by staying in they are doing themselves serious damage and attacking the people looking after them. You cannot see beyond ' must stay in'.

Hearhooves
If we take ops mental health out of the equation, we are still left with a boy, who is very much in need. The boy, being a child has to come first and have his needs resolved. If the father doesn’t want him to go to school for his protection, it is his responsibility to protect himself and remove himself from the situation. Right now he isn’t doing so and is letting his anxiety of something, which may or may not happen get the better of him. As a consequence, he is allowing his child to be damaged. Op, despite her mental health issues, is doing her best to put her ds first. Her dh does not get a pass by not doing the same. Strangers are sacrificing themselves everyday for us. I am finding it difficult to reconcile a father not even seeking a way to ensure his child’s basic mental health needs are met. Anxiety is an excuse, not a reason to neglect his child.

Ah yes, I forgot to comment on provision for SEN kids. The schools are absolutely attending to these children’s needs. My friend is a teacher a
in a SEN unit. They would not be inviting the children to a school setting if they couldn’t attend to their needs.

I’d wait until the announcement on schools next week then have another conversation with dh- this isn’t just about what he thinks. However to think your child will be in a class of 4 with his teacher is unlikely- most schools have each teacher rota Max once A week and all classes combined - we are a tiny 4 class school and no one is doing more than that. We do have children with an ehcp in to provide respite care. Lots of people have posted about routine of school- it’s really important to know that in a lot of schools, probably most, this is not the routine they are used to. Schools are currently childcare not teaching lessons...

My child is in a class of 4 with normal levels of staffing. A child whose usual class has 4 in it will be in a special school and they won't allow children back without sufficient support in place.

Plus, you don't know that the son going to school will actually help.

as the mum, OP knows her child best and she thinks school would be beneficial.

the thing is, looking after a child with complex needs is 24/7. OP cannot meet his needs, he is regressing plus the OP is struggling to cope.

Sending him to school will give the OP a break she desperately needs and her DS will have carers looking after him who do this as a job and who therefore aren't overtired and burned out.

has offered to quit his job and help out

This is a really weird thing to say considering your outgoings. Have you tried agreeing to see what happens? It just seems to be something to shut you up.

You have all my sympathies OP. Mine has ASD but he's coping ok atm. I have multiple friends with kids with ASD and some have had to go back to school and are so much happier. Its tricky because it's weighing up the risks at a higher level isn't it? Those who don't have a kid with significant SN can't possibly get it.

Tell him in the meantime he takes one of them with him 'to work'. If he can jack his job in that easily then he won't mind.

Those who don't have a kid with significant SN can't possibly get it. That's a generalisation and a half. Most people have advised do what's best for the kid even if that means let him go back to school.

Thanks all for taking the time to respond. It is a really tricky situation and I think a big issue is that the risks are unknown which if makes it hard to balance my sons needs against my husband's anxiety over his and our family's health.

My OH and I had a chat with the school on friday and they reassured him of their social distancing proceedures. My DS will be in a class of 4 with his usual teacher and 3 TAs and there is a deep clean every evening. We will send my DS for a couple of days next week and see how he gets on.

A few people have mentioned the option of DH moving out. We did discuss this a while ago but understandably he is not keen as it would need to be for a very long period and he will miss his sons growing up. I am not keen either to not see him for that long.

A few people have commented about my DS with ASD not going for exercise. At the start of lockdown we went for walks but he is no longer keen. We have a large garden though and he uses the trampoline and swing all the time. I get out for exercise daily with the baby.

That’s brilliant news! I’m really glad you have been able to get through to him. I hope it all goes ok. We are still here if you need to talk some more about how you are feeling. Please get the external help you need too.

We have a large garden though and he uses the trampoline and swing all the time. I get out for exercise daily with the baby

Trampoline is a godsend. Mine won't go out much either, total anxiety.

Glad you've got it sorted OP. Good luck.

It can take years of producing and testing a vaccine to be up and running. I don't know why governments are promoting one as the solution this isn't helping some people at all. Would you really want to take one that's been rushed through... that's if it happens in the next couple of years. Even if one arrives, not all vaccines are 100% effective. I'm pro vaccination programmes but not those rushed through in a panic

I'm sorry you are in this situation op I hope some of the advice you've received helps .

Does your son teach SEN kids?

He teaches in mainstream school. Obviously there are students there who have SEN. They aren't teaching though. There aren't enough students to provide lessons for - all students ranging from yes 7 - 10 are together in one classroom with one teacher. How can they provide a "normal" school day with the usual routines? They can't.

The DfE think it will, otherwise they wouldn't grant SEN kids dispensation to attend school.

The DfE said that certain students could go into school. It didn't instruct schools to maintain business as usual. Maybe in schools that only teach students with SEN it's different but I've not heard of any mainstream school that is providing a "normal" school day. Where I live, there are so few pupils going in that they have formed a hub and pupils from multiple schools are amalgamating into this one school, so children will be mixing with unfamiliar children and staff. Would that set up help the ops son?

Lots of people have posted about routine of school- it’s really important to know that in a lot of schools, probably most, this is not the routine they are used to. Schools are currently childcare not teaching lessons...

Exactly. That is what I'm hearing from family and friends who work in schools.

@HearHoovesthinkzebras

I assume the OP knows her own child better than a random person on the internet who happens to have a son who is a teacher, not even a SEN teacher. I know she asked our opinions but she didn’t ask for people to make snap judgements on what’s best for her son’s wellbeing.

I spent my entire career in specialist schools. It's vital that people like the OP get some respite, and unlike mainstream schools, specialist schools will be making sure that the routines that keep children with severe ASD stable, are maintained. I'm still in touch with people at the school I retired from, and my daughter also teaches ASD pupils in a specialist school. Both are encouraging parents to send their children into school, and making sure that they have familiar staff who know their quirks, and that routines are re-established and continued.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras you are giving information which isn't accurate for the OP's situation. Please don't.

OP I'm relieved that your DH is agreeing to the trial. I hope your DS does well and that this leads to him going back full time.

Schuyler

Is the ops son in specialist provision then? I read it as he was in mainstream school.

My son teaches students with SEN - they make up a sizeable percentage of his classes. Some of those, with ehcp, are still going into school but they aren't having anything even approaching normal provision. If that's the situation for ops son then isn't it best that she's aware? If her son isn't in mainstream school then maybe it's not relevant

saraclara

Before getting on your high horse, has op said anywhere that her child isn't in mainstream school?